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Topic: Losing mom and worried for Dad

Forum: For Family & Caregivers of Loved Ones With a STAGE IV Diagnosis —

A place where family members, caregivers, and loved ones of people having a Stage IV (metastatic) diagnosis can share, discuss, and support one another through the tough times unique to this diagnosis.

Posted on: Nov 2, 2018 12:22AM

metoo2018 wrote:

i’m A little lost. My Mom is in hospice care now after battling stage IV BC for almost 4 years. The rapid decline is stunning. Hospice is great but they can only do so much. My siblings and I are struggling and not always on the same page. Mom is 81 and has some dementia too. Dad is 82 and terrified of being alone. I think it is time to start having someone stay with them each night. Selfishly, I am worried about balancing all of this with my job, husband and kids. Plus my own 6 month imaging is this week. Doubt the stress is doing me any good.

I know there are no easy answers but I came here since the boards helped me so much when I was diagnosed....thanks for listening

Dx 11/13/2017, IDC, Right, 1cm, Stage IA, Grade 3, ER+/PR+, HER2- (FISH) Surgery 2/7/2018 Lumpectomy: Right; Lymph node removal: Sentinel Hormonal Therapy 3/15/2018 Femara (letrozole) Radiation Therapy 3/26/2018
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Nov 2, 2018 05:02AM - edited Nov 2, 2018 05:03AM by dtad

Hi there. So sorry your family is going through this. As a retired home care nurse I would like to suggest calling your county to see what kind of programs they have for caregivers. Hospice should be able to help you with that. Many have respite care programs designed to relieve the 24 hour caregiver. Good luck and keeps posted.

Dx 3/20/2015, IDC, Left, 1cm, Stage IA, Grade 2, ER+/PR+, HER2- Dx 4/10/2015, ILC, 1cm, Stage IA, Grade 2, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 5/21/2015 Lymph node removal: Sentinel; Mastectomy: Left, Right; Reconstruction (left): Silicone implant; Reconstruction (right): Silicone implant
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Nov 2, 2018 07:57AM edwards750 wrote:

I’m so sorry about your Mom. I’m sure your dad is frightened and sad. I agree with dtad’s advice about getting some additional help. It’s beyond painful to watch our loved ones suffer and know the end is at hand. There are no words.

You have your own stress too so maybe your doctor can prescribe something for you to help with the stress and anxiety. I always contended I could handle the stress until I couldn’t and my doctor prescribed meds for me. She decided I needed them before I did. I didn’t realize how stressed and uptight I sounded.

Try and keep the faith. Praying for you and your family.


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Nov 2, 2018 02:48PM LoriCA wrote:

metoo I'm so sorry for everything that you and your family are facing. I want to tell you to please do not let yourself think you are being selfish in any way. As one who has been the patient who needed round the clock care for a while, I can tell you that we are concerned about the burden we place on our family and understand how important it is for our family members to take good care of themselves. My husband is my primary care giver and he almost gave himself a breakdown before we got another family member in to help when I had a rough patch. Quite honestly, the last thing I want or need is the additional stress of worrying about him too, and no matter how sick your mother is, your parents are still going to worry about you too. It's not selfish at all, and in fact you are helping your parents by making sure that you don't get stretched too thin, overly stressed and burn yourself out. I've always thought that we don't have enough support systems in place for the caregivers.

dtad made some good suggestions and I don't really have anything to add to that, other than that some places have support groups for caregivers and they might have some ideas if none of dtad's work out for you. I just don't want you to feel any guilt about feeling like you need more help.

IBC Stage IV de novo - mets throughout skeleton, liver, distant nodes, chest wall, skin, tumor in brachial nerves.Still trying to get it to slow down. Dx 9/8/2017, IBC, Right, Stage IV, metastasized to bone/liver/other, Grade 3, ER+/PR-, HER2+ (IHC) Chemotherapy 9/25/2017 Taxol (paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 2/5/2018 Perjeta (pertuzumab) Targeted Therapy 2/5/2018 Herceptin (trastuzumab) Chemotherapy 11/25/2018 Taxol (paclitaxel) Radiation Therapy 1/30/2019 Whole-breast: Breast, Lymph nodes, Chest wall
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Nov 2, 2018 03:11PM mike3121 wrote:

If he's a veteran maybe some veterans group. Also, I've seen a group of men, "Old guys having breakfast" or some such name.

Dx 11/12/2012, IDC, Right, 4cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 1, 9/19 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Dx 11/9/2014, Right, Stage IV, Grade 1, ER-/PR-, HER2- Dx 11/15/2016, IDC, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 1, ER-/PR-, HER2- Surgery Lymph node removal: Sentinel, Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy: Right Radiation Therapy Whole-breast: Breast, Lymph nodes, Chest wall Targeted Therapy Chemotherapy Other Hormonal Therapy Aromasin (exemestane), Tamoxifen pills (Nolvadex, Apo-Tamox, Tamofen, Tamone)
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Nov 5, 2018 02:02AM metoo2018 wrote:

Thank you all for your kind words and advice. Until you go through something like this you have no idea how hard it is - these boards are a god send. My mom was taken into a hospice unit tonight - her body is shutting down but her mind is fighting it. We could not get her comfortable and she was really agitated. I hope they will get her comfortable and send her home. Our hope was to keep her at home surrounded by family until the end.

I had two really good long days with her - just rubbing her back and reminiscing about all the wonderful things we've done together. I felt like I was being a good daughter and that time meant a lot to me. I hope I get a few more chances to do that but if her mid accepts what is happening then I expect we don't have too much time left.

Appreciate all the support here and will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers as well.

Dx 11/13/2017, IDC, Right, 1cm, Stage IA, Grade 3, ER+/PR+, HER2- (FISH) Surgery 2/7/2018 Lumpectomy: Right; Lymph node removal: Sentinel Hormonal Therapy 3/15/2018 Femara (letrozole) Radiation Therapy 3/26/2018
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Nov 7, 2018 07:03AM edwards750 wrote:

metoo - Bless your heart I’m sure you are beyond heartbroken for your Mom. There are no words. Yesterday was 14 years since I lost my mother. I always take flowers to the cemetery for her, my dad who died in 1999 and 2 brothers who passed away. My son asked me if I was okay yesterday and I told him I have my memories. You will too. Not much solace because you will miss her terribly but in time it will keep you going.

Sending prayers for you and your family.


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