Jan 8, 2018 02:05AM runor wrote:
I hate how cancer has turned me into a spastic fruitcake. Every stomach pain, every lump on my shin, every head ache, you know where your mind goes. It's back! It's in my (fill in the blank). I HATE that! So I think, no, no, I am going to ignore you, you stupid lump, I am going to just carry on like you're not there because I will NOT run to the doctor for every little thing. But wait. What if it IS something bad? And I don't respond and get it treated quickly. What if I ignore it and let it grow and then I'll be one of those stupid people who didn't get help when she needed it. So cancer makes you a) a hypochondriac b) neglectful of your own health so you don't look like a hypochondriac. There is no winning. No good option.
I used to look at my husband and think, oh dear god, throw out that ratty t-shirt. Now I look at him and wonder if his next wife will tolerate his ratty t-shirts. And I am SHOCKED by this thought. It is about as pleasant as being hit in the head with a dead fish.
I think, okay, if these are potentially the last 'good' years of my life, I better do something with my time that really matters. Really matters. Hmmm. What really matters? ( silence as crickets chirp in the background). You would think that some Big Life Truth would have made itself apparent through all this, but no! I do what I always did: the shopping, the cooking, the dishes, the floor dirt removal, picking sticky things out of the dog, toilet scrubbing, snow shovelling, lawn mowing, wood chopping, chicken hatching, feeding, egg gathering and butchering. Gardening. Quilting. It's that same damn thing day in and day out but I try to be all Zen about it, all 'the magic of life is in the mundane acts of caring for hearth and home and loved ones' and OH MY GOD HOUSEWORK IS SO BORING! No. You must LOVE housework. Must embrace it. Every day of your life is precious and you should savour each second. True. But not true. Precious, but boring. Is this what I'm meant to do with my time? And if not, then what? I don't know! I just don't know.
If I could travel the world, would I? Nah. I'm kind of a homebody and I do, at times, find the peace and stillness here restoring and soulful. Other times it's unbelievably lonely. See? I even sound crazy to myself! Like make up your mind! But my mind, slightly dulled by tamoxifen, can't remember anything for more that 18 seconds so any decision I come to I immediately forget!
So I want to live my best life, but my best life seems kind of dull. I want to embrace that dullness and make it holy and special only that's not really working for me. I want to feel well, but then I have an ache, but damnit I am NOT going to the doctor! Like I said, spastic fruitcake.