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Topic: my closet friend never checked in on me

Forum: Stage II Breast Cancer — Meet, share and support others with Stage II Breast Cancer

Posted on: Jan 5, 2020 03:16PM

Toyamjj wrote:

My best friend who knew I was getting my one year mammo, never checked in on me. I was expecting to get a message from her at some point during the day but it never came, I'm now going on 3 days later. I know she's rooting for me but still thought id hear from hear. Makes me feel sad, because if roles were reversed, I would've blown up her phone to make sure she was ok had she gone through what I did. Do I even bother saying anything to her?!

DX at age 44 Oncotype 22 Dx 1/4/2019, Right, 2cm, Stage IIA, Grade 2, 0/2 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 1/30/2019 Lumpectomy: Right; Lymph node removal: Sentinel Hormonal Therapy 2/28/2019 Radiation Therapy 3/13/2019 Hormonal Therapy 4/30/2019 Arimidex (anastrozole)
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Jan 5, 2020 03:21PM MountainMia wrote:

Yes, say something!! First, since you haven't heard from her, you don't know what's going on in her life. She could be having a crisis, too. OR she could have merely forgotten. That does not mean she doesn't cherish you!! It means she is human. Sometimes humans fail us. But if we love them, we give them a chance to do better.

Give her a call or a text. Tell her you're sure she would want to know how it went, and you hope the two of you can talk or get together soon.


The rain comes and the rain goes, but the mountain remains. I am the mountain.
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Jan 5, 2020 04:28PM voraciousreader wrote:

i agree with what Mountain said....100%....BUT....I also disagree. What I have learned through this bumpy journey through this destination of life is that you are going to be faced with many crossroads. There is no map that will lead to the right destination. So...what you need to decide when you come to a crossroad is decide how much effort it will take for you to make sure you are following the destination that will lead to fulfilling your heart. What am I saying? Only you know how much your heart wants to invest in continuing a friendship. I have to admit in the last few years, I have left behind on the road some, what had once been, good friends. The wonderful news is I have been developing great new friendships! I am not the same person as I was 10 years ago, nor are some of those former friends. These new friends rock. I feel so alive and blessed. Soooo....look inside yourself for the answer....you might be pleasantly surprised where it might lead you!


good luck and keep us posted. And congrats on getting thru your one year mammo! A milestone for sure

Doctor told me regarding my prognosis that I WASN'T on the Titanic! Hmmm...Really?....Okay! 02/2010 Pure Mucinous Breast Cancer, Oncotype DX 15, Stage 1, Grade 1, 1.8 cm, 0/2 nodes, ER+ 90% /PR+ 70% HER2- (+1)
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Jan 5, 2020 04:49PM Marchz wrote:

good advice from voracious reader! I was so surprised and kind of disappointed and continue to be from some old friends. Although I look at them a tad differently, I think It comes down to an old saying “you don’t know until you know” I have a best friend that I notice avoids “checking in” on the health scares that we all deal with. Idk what to think❤️But whatever

Dx 3/2017, IDC, Right, 1cm, Stage IB, Grade 1, ER+/PR+, HER2- (IHC) Radiation Therapy Whole-breast: Breast, Lymph nodes
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Jan 5, 2020 04:50PM TB90 wrote:

I also agree. Six years ago I was devastated by my sister’s apparent disinterest. After told about my dx, she never called me for five months until I called her. I was gentle at first, but when she had absolutely no explanation I challenged the huge discrepancy between her behaviour and stated affections. She became so frustrated that she finally fought back with the statement that she obviously isn’t good enough for me so she was going to stop trying. I still didn’t let her off the hook. She then called and said she could not bear to lose me and had no idea why she wasn’t more supportive. I gained incredible insight into her social/emotional limitations and realized she simply could not do better. HOWEVER, has she ever changed since. I adore my sister now and am so glad I held her accountable for her behaviour. If I hadn’t, I could still be so full of resentment and not understanding our dynamics and losing out on time with my sister. So check in, assume nothing, but also hold her accountable. You both deserve it.

Dx 11/28/2013, DCIS, Grade 2 Surgery 12/17/2013 Mastectomy: Left Radiation Therapy 2/19/2014 Breast
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Jan 5, 2020 04:54PM MountainMia wrote:

voraciousreader, indeed! I am going on the assumption this is an unusual lapse, based on the OP statement that she knows the friend is rooting for her. But if it is not unusual, if it's a rocky or difficult relationship anyway, then it's for sure a good time to consider whether grace should be extended, or whether to let the "friend" slip quietly out of her life.

The rain comes and the rain goes, but the mountain remains. I am the mountain.
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Jan 5, 2020 05:02PM MinusTwo wrote:

Right on VR. I've had a number of 'old' friends who have quietly slipped away that I chose not to challenge. And I've made some great new friends.

TB90 - I can see since it was your sister the response to challenge might be more important. We never seem to be able to get away from family - good, bad or indifferent.

2/15/11 BMX-DCIS 2SNB clear-TEs; 9/15/11-410gummies; 3/20/13 recurrance-5.5cm,mets to lymphs, Stage IIIB IDC ER/PRneg,HER2+; TCH/Perjeta/Neulasta x6; ALND 9/24/13 1/18 nodes 4.5cm; AC chemo 10/30/13 x3; herceptin again; Rads Feb2014
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Jan 5, 2020 05:04PM Toyamjj wrote:

Thank you all for your feedback! Im going to think about it before I say anything, calmer heads prevail right?! and right now I'm so upset about it I know I need to take a step back before I say or do something I may regret.

DX at age 44 Oncotype 22 Dx 1/4/2019, Right, 2cm, Stage IIA, Grade 2, 0/2 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 1/30/2019 Lumpectomy: Right; Lymph node removal: Sentinel Hormonal Therapy 2/28/2019 Radiation Therapy 3/13/2019 Hormonal Therapy 4/30/2019 Arimidex (anastrozole)
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Jan 5, 2020 05:43PM AliceBastable wrote:

My only sister managed to forget what day I was having a total nephrectomy, and Hubby had to give her a reminder call while I was in surgery. I'd never expect anyone except maybe my spouse to remember something like a mammogram. But I don't generally tell friends things like that anyway.

Endometrial cancer 2010, basal cell multiples, breast cancer 2018, kidney cancer 2018. Cancer's a bitch, but I'm a bigger one with more practice. Dx 5/2018, ILC/IDC, Left, 2cm, Stage IA, Grade 2, 1/1 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 7/11/2018 Lumpectomy: Left; Lymph node removal: Sentinel Surgery 8/8/2018 Radiation Therapy 10/29/2018 Whole-breast: Breast, Lymph nodes
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Jan 5, 2020 05:45PM TB90 wrote:

Minus: Unfortunately many people are estranged from family, including my husband. Friends may be better at meeting our needs as at some point we picked them. But like a bad selection in a relationship, we do outgrow friendships too. Just saying, check out before discarding.

Dx 11/28/2013, DCIS, Grade 2 Surgery 12/17/2013 Mastectomy: Left Radiation Therapy 2/19/2014 Breast
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Jan 5, 2020 05:51PM Luckynumber47 wrote:

Sadly no one acknowledged my one year anniversary. It was a big deal to me but not so much for anyone else. I was pretty upset at the time but I got over it and still dearly love all the people who let me down

My avatar is a Blue Footed Boobie. Cracked me up. Dx 2/15/2016, IDC, Left, 1cm, Stage IA, Grade 2, 0/1 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Dx 3/16/2016, DCIS, Right, <1cm, Stage 0, Grade 3, 0/1 nodes, ER-/PR- Surgery 4/5/2016 Mastectomy: Left, Right Hormonal Therapy 5/16/2016 Femara (letrozole)
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Jan 5, 2020 06:52PM TB90 wrote:

Lucky: I do not know one person who would have remembered for me. Yet I have the most amazing family and friends. I didn’t expect it so wasn’t disappointed. But I announce it even to my wonderful team at work. At five years, my team surprised me with flowers. I know they care. So I include them in my celebration. Now that we know what we know, let’s remember anniversaries for our family, friends and co-workers who have to deal with cancer. In fact, I am going to phone my next door neighbor right now who starts radiation for lung cancer tomorrow. To ensure he has everything he needs.

Dx 11/28/2013, DCIS, Grade 2 Surgery 12/17/2013 Mastectomy: Left Radiation Therapy 2/19/2014 Breast
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Jan 6, 2020 12:04AM AliceBastable wrote:

Luckynumber7, I had to look on my calendar to remember my own one-year anniversary! I can't imagine expecting anyone else to remember it. Maybe lower expectations for things like this?

Endometrial cancer 2010, basal cell multiples, breast cancer 2018, kidney cancer 2018. Cancer's a bitch, but I'm a bigger one with more practice. Dx 5/2018, ILC/IDC, Left, 2cm, Stage IA, Grade 2, 1/1 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 7/11/2018 Lumpectomy: Left; Lymph node removal: Sentinel Surgery 8/8/2018 Radiation Therapy 10/29/2018 Whole-breast: Breast, Lymph nodes
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Jan 6, 2020 05:47PM ShetlandPony wrote:

I had a friend, not super close but we had talked a lot at kids’ activities andhad visited each others’ homes because our kids wanted play dates. Really nice lady. After not hearing from her for ages and being unable to arrange a visit, she outright told me that she has health anxiety and finds it too difficult. I think this is a bona fide mental health problem, so I told her I understood and we left off with no ill feelings between us. And the kids are now old enough to maintain their relationship if they wish.

2011 Stage I ILC 1.5cm grade1 ITCs sn Lumpectomy,radiation,tamoxifen. 2014 Stage IV ILC mets breast,liver. TaxolNEAD. Ibrance+letrozole 2yrs. Fas+afinitor nope. XelodaNEAD 2yrs. Eribulin,Doxil nope. SUMMIT FaslodexHerceptinNeratinib for Her2mut NEAD
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Jan 6, 2020 07:08PM TB90 wrote:

Shetland: I certainly hope your friend’s children never get sick. Is she going to avoid them too? Some disorders need to be addressed in the interest of others, especially children. You are so kind and forgiving.

Dx 11/28/2013, DCIS, Grade 2 Surgery 12/17/2013 Mastectomy: Left Radiation Therapy 2/19/2014 Breast
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Jan 7, 2020 06:58AM VL22 wrote:

My brother is estranged from my parents ( due to his wife being an absolute pain in the a$$). Maybe texts at holidays, but that’s it. We, however, would text more often and speak on the phone, but it could be awkward because I think his freezing out the folks is just nonsense.

When I was first diagnosed my mother called him to let him know. He called me and kind of was upset that I didn’t call him personally. Throughout treatment got texts from him and SIL. Not one in person visit - he lives 35 minutes away. Not once did he call our parents to see how they were doing.


Dx 5/5/2017, IDC, Right, <1cm, Stage IA, Grade 1, 0/2 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 6/14/2017 Lumpectomy: Right; Lymph node removal: Sentinel Dx 6/23/2017, IDC, Right, 1cm, Stage IB, Grade 3, 1/2 nodes, ER-/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 8/10/2017 AC + T (Taxol) Radiation Therapy 1/10/2018 Whole-breast: Breast Hormonal Therapy 3/11/2018 Tamoxifen pills (Nolvadex, Apo-Tamox, Tamofen, Tamone)
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Jan 7, 2020 06:00PM mitziandbubba wrote:

One of my close friends is an 11 year survivor - and she told me right after diagnosis that some people will abandon you. In her case it was her best friend who checked out during her treatment. And I am so glad she told me this because although my best friend is a pretty big badass and I NEVER expected it, she ghosted me completely. Her response to my news was "Aw babe that sucks". Then there was some mention of her friend who had fabulous looking breasts after her recon. Then virtually nothing.

Towards the end of my treatment I decided to say something - I very nicely said hey, I get that you can't deal with what is happening to me, it's ok. Turns out it was not about me at all. She had been going through her own awful health and emotional crisis and was not sharing it with anyone. She told me she had been hiding in her apartment not wanting to deal with anyone, and she's normally very social. I do think that she was absolutely freaked out by my cancer diagnosis, but I think her issues were more what was happening. A few weeks ago she started texting me all the time again and it feels way more normal between us.

There were however people who stepped up in ways I never imagined. One friend sent a beautiful hamsa bracelet for me to wear to my appointments. When it looked like I might need chemo another friend sent me endless gorgeous images of glamorous women in turbans and all kinds of scarves and turbans in animal prints and cool patterns.

And I tell this story to everyone and I feel so silly about it - but I have a friend who I had not been that close with for some time and the day after my treatment ended, this beautiful plant arrangement was delivered with the nicest note. I had mentioned to her that I wanted to get more houseplants and the plant was also in this blue and white bowl (I love blue and white). Literally every detail was thought of with this gift from the time it arrived to the note to the overall presentation. She told me that was even careful not to mention the word cancer as she didn't know if people in my town knew (they do, small town). Instead of a pink ribbon, there was a flamingo ornament in the plant, she said wanted something pink in there but something unique and fun. I can't begin to tell you how happy I am every time I look at my plants that she sent - they are being repotted tomorrow actually since they have outgrown the original vessel! I hope they flourish and last forever, I love her and them with all my heart.

Surgery 5/9/2019 Lumpectomy: Left Surgery 5/28/2019 Lymph node removal: Sentinel Dx IDC, Left, 1cm, Stage IA, Grade 1, 0/4 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Radiation Therapy Whole-breast: Breast Hormonal Therapy Tamoxifen pills (Nolvadex, Apo-Tamox, Tamofen, Tamone)
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Jan 7, 2020 07:05PM TB90 wrote:

Love the good stories. I have moved right across Canada due to my husband’s work. I had a great friend and co-worker in Calgary that I lost touch with after moving to Winnipeg. At least 15 years later, she sent me a text at the exact moment I was receiving the news I had DCIS. She, of all people, said all the right things and treated me like I was still the same person. I needed her and there she was. Over the past six years we travel to see one another and have the closest friendship. Never saw that coming. And I never doubt that it was more than coincidence.

Dx 11/28/2013, DCIS, Grade 2 Surgery 12/17/2013 Mastectomy: Left Radiation Therapy 2/19/2014 Breast
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Jan 7, 2020 08:36PM hopedreams wrote:

HI TAM..SORRY THIS HAPPENED TO U..BUT I HAVE LOST SOOOO MANY PEOPLE.AFTER HEARING ABOUT MY MANY CANCERS.. 4 DIFFERENT ONES NOT RELATED TO EACH OTHER... THE ONE THAT HURTS THE MOST IS MY ONLY SON..I ASK NOTHING OF HIM..BUT HE CANT HANDLE MY SITUATION...SO I DO NOT HEAR FROM HIM..OR SEE HIM..NO CALLS NO TEXTS NOTHING.HE IS MARRIED WITH 2 TEENS .. I NO LONGER EVEN TELL HIM WHEN I AM HAVING A SURGERY.. INCLUDING ONE NEXT WEEK.. I HOPE YOUR FRIEND WILL REMEMBER TO CONTACT U.. BUT DONT BE SURPRISED IF SHE DOESNT..SOME PEOPLE ABANDON US DUE TO CANCER.. OCCASIONALLY HE WILL SURPRISE ME WITH TEXT PICS OF THEM..BUT NOT VERY OFTEN..ITS BEEN ON & OFF LIKE THIS FOR MANY YRS.. I ALWAYS SEND HIM APPRECIATIVE RESPONSES..BUT IT DOESNT MATTER.. PLEASE.. JUST WORRY ABOUT U.. AND SOME THINGS U HAVE TO JUST LET GO.. WAIT & SEE IF SHE REMEMBERS..IS MY THOUGHT..TAKE CARE..~HOPE BUT OF COURSE DO WHAT YOUR HEART TELLS U TO DO..THAT IS WHAT MATTERS .. HUGS..

hopedreams Dx 4/11/2011, DCIS, Stage 0, Grade 3, 0/0 nodes Surgery 6/2/2011 Mastectomy: Left; Reconstruction (left): Tissue expander placement

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