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Topic: I WANT MY MOJO BACK!

Forum: Sex & Relationship Matters —

A safe place to talk candidly about how your romantic relationships and/or your sex life has changed following your diagnosis and treatment.

Posted on: Oct 17, 2004 09:45AM - edited Feb 9, 2016 09:04AM by Moderators

Mena wrote:

Hey girls,

You know, this loss of libido thing is just unnacceptable. I was in the chat room earlier today and mentioned it and man, you should've heard how many of us are experiencing this problem. I promised the ladies I'd post my rant, so here it comes (or....doesn't ).

If bc were a man's disease, not only would there be a cure for bc by now, but certainly there'd be a plethora of non-hormonal therapies available for whatever the female version is of "erectile dysfuntion". I don't think I'm exaggerating. I'll make the damn commercials myself (no pride here lol).

Prior to the news of my recurrence/mets (August) my husband and I had a phenomenal sex life. I absofreakinlutely loved making love to my husband. (Btw, I'm 43; and as part of tx for mets, I was chemically oopherized with Zoladex and take Femara daily).

I still enjoy loving my love. Emotionally, spiritually, mentally, I do. Even physically I still like it. It's just not rockin' my world, as they say, like it used to. I miss that. And I refuse to accept this as acceptable. It is not. If the genders were reversed, this would be the first &%$#* problem they'd address! Well, ok, the second.

I know the clinical reasons for the low libido, but there's got to be something out there for us that's not contraindicated with treatment. Here's what I've tried so far: a Zen approach; a "go w/the flow" attitude; a "get started and it'll all just kick in" mindset; a "try not to think about it at all" focus; et al.

I'm interested in hearing what the rest of you have to say about this matter, and I know it is an intimate one. But we're all sisters and I do hope some of you will share your experiences and whatever help you've found for missing mojo.

Thanks for letting me vent. God Bless.

Mena

****************************Addition from February 4, 2016***********************************

Hi All,

We've gone through a lot (not all) of the pages on this topic, and tried to compile your suggestions.

Do you feel that this is a complete list of what has been discussed here? Please help us make a comprehensive list of your ideas!


Member suggestions for helping the libido:

Watch romantic movie or soft-porn on Netflix

Romantic music

Watch porn or visit short videos on Tumblr, YouTube, or other internet site

A little wine, or other substance to help relax (e.g. medical marijuana)

Sexual photos

Massage and massage oils

Literotica: Erotic/sexual stories as an alternative to images

Super sexy lingerie or fun clothing

Have partner practice foreplay and/or oral sex

Practice masturbation on a regular basis

Mindfulness, i.e. focus on what your five senses are experiencing in the moment --To keep your thoughts from dwelling on cancer and scars


Member suggestions to improve vaginal moisture:

Coconut oil works best as a moisturizer (freeze small balls to make suppositories)

Vitamin E suppositories

Almond oil

Replens long-lasting moisturizer

Luvena vaginal moisturizer

Shea butter melted into olive oil at a 2:1 ratio

Cocoa butter

Olive oil

Gynatrof gel

DHEA vaginal suppositories

Tip to use an applicator to insert moisturizers and apply a few times a week.


Member suggestion for lubrication during sexual activity:

Astroglide Natural (free from glycerin, fragrance, flavorings, and hormones)

Slippery Stuff (free from glycerin and parabens)

K-Y warming Jelly

K-Y Sensual Silk Liquid (paraben-free)

K-Y Liquibeads

K-Y UltraGel (paraben-free)

Astroglide, X (silicone-based)

Platinum Wet (silicone-based)

Replens silky smooth lubricant (silicone-based)

Sliquid natural lubricants (free from DEA, gluten, glycerine, glycerol, parabens, PEG, propylene glycol, sorbitol & sulphates)


Additional member suggestion to reduce pain:

Topical Lidocaine solution for use at the entrance of the vagina


Member suggestion for sex toys:

Vibrators (e.g. Hitachi Magic Wand, Pink Dot Vibe, Pocket Rocket, the Rabbit)

Dildos for pleasure, to stretch the entrance, prevent vaginal atrophy and strengthen muscles


Member suggestion for estrogen or hormone-based treatments

(MUST discuss first with oncologists as not typically recommended for women who have had breast cancer)

Vagifem® (estradiol vaginal tablets) inserts

Testosterone patch or gel

ESTRING® (estradiol vaginal ring)

ESTRACE® CREAM (estradiol vaginal cream)

Scream Cream - contains a combination of prescription and non-prescription components described as blood flow enhancers and vasodiolators to apply to your clitoris (adding here, as it contains a bit of Testosterone- 0.25mg per dose)


Other member suggestions:

Kegel exercises to strengthen pelvic muscles

Pelvic physical therapy

Dilators to stretch the skin in your vaginal area and re-train the pelvic floor muscles to relax

Observe which antidepressant you take, and make necessary changes

MonaLisa Touch: A minimally invasive laser treatment for vaginal rejuvenation.

Easier if she "goes first".

Regular activity is important.

Read the book, COUPLES CONFRONTING CANCER: KEEPING YOUR RELATIONSHIP STRONG, by Fincammon & Bruss, published by the American Cancer Society.

Share this thread with your husband/lover to create a new bond of intimacy, normalize what others are going through and open communication.

Take a look at this resource: https://sexualityresources.com

Dx 8/8/2004, IDC, Stage IV, Grade 3, 1/20 nodes, mets, ER+/PR+, HER2+
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Page 10 of 144 (4,308 results)

Posts 271 - 300 (4,308 total)

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Mar 7, 2005 09:20AM girliiyes wrote:

It has been 13 years for me and I still have thoughts of recurrence. Mammogram time is always 'What if'? I don't think these thoughts can be eradicated because once you have been through this you are no longer nieve enough to think your body will not try it again. It's good in a way because it keeps you on your toes and you will never be eyes wide shut again.

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Mar 7, 2005 09:40AM Kathy_Verett wrote:

I think we have all been in more of an emotional shock than we realize. I think it takes more time for our emotions to heal from all this than we think. Our bodies seem to heal faster, but our thoughts and feelings are very complicated and we need to consider them, too. It is like we are in mourning for a life that we had once-upon-a-time. As we heal, our sex drive comes back. I can still get teary when I get really vulnerable with how I'm feeling.

God bless your day!
Kathy
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Mar 12, 2005 11:48PM slr38 wrote:

Enough of all this conflict on other threads, let's get back to some good stuff

Bringing this back to the top in hopes that someone will provide some good, juicy reading

I only wish I had something to share in this thread
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Mar 13, 2005 03:17PM Claiire wrote:

ok... adding some juice!

The guy I am dating/seeing/sleeping with/fallen deeply in love/lust with is being transfered back to Germany at the end of the month. So time with him is very valuable. I'll probably fall apart once he is gone, but for now, I'll enjoy every minute I have left with him! (this relationship probably has no life outside of Texas)

Last night we hung out at my house for a while, fooled around, went to a bar to listen to some live music and then on the way back to my house we talked about "titty bars". He had never been to one before. So, being in a wild and crazy mood, I turned the car around and said "lets fix that tonight".

We went past a couple of "high end" places and didn't want to pay $20 each for the cover charge. We went to a different area and found a place that is not "low end" but was not the best of the best. The cover was $10.00 each.

There were no good seats in the front of the place so we sat in the back and the waitress said she would get us when there was a good table available. 5 minutes after she brough us our drinks she came back and took us to a table in the front area, in front of the stage.

My guy then spent the next hour looking at these "beautiful" women critiquing them. He even at one point told me I had more sex appeal than any of them. What a good guy!

The people at the table next to us were an odd group. 2 women and one man. They kept buying lap dances for one of the women. Since they were so close, my guy was really enjoying it. It was pretty hot! I'm not into the girl/girl stuff, but it was really hot to watch.

We closed the place and went home. He spent about 15 minutes in the living room on the couch while I was getting ready for bed. I lit some candles, put a sensual cd in the player and put on a slinky nighty he had not seen before.

He came into my room about 10 minutes later to see why I dissapeared. That was it for him! It was a major seduction scene and I controlled every aspect. I think going to the bar with him just got me all worked up for him.

Needless to say, we didn't get to sleep until about 5am!

So, if you and your SO/DH/Whatever are having some trouble kick starting things, try going to a "titty bar" with them.

I love my Mojo!
Dx 10/3/2002, LCIS, 6cm+, Stage IIIB, 0/9 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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Mar 14, 2005 02:43AM jlazyk wrote:

I'll be honest, I really haven't had a reduction in libido. Horny as a mink. Maybe it is my current social status. I am currently single and "seeing" a younger man "whenever it is convenient". This was before the bc diagnosis. Now that is just a perfect arrangement. I don't have the baggage of a real relationship, but all the fun on a reduced schedule. Before the bc I felt quite guilty, because I'm usually a monogamous type, but now not one once of guilt.

Anyway here is the good story. On Valentine's day I drop my son off school, and he had to remind me that it was Valentine's day...because I had truly forgotten. By the time I got to work I had forgotten again. Okay maybe there was some subconscious thing going on who knows.

At work, I was feeling a bit randy and decided to be a trouble maker and email my friend with a sarcastic story that I had recently enrolled in a clinical study at Sloan Kettering looking at whether regular sex with younger men reduces the recurrence of breast cancer. And it had to be regular, otherwise I would be put into the randomized group. And you know I'd get some hairy backed gorilla who'd last 7 minutes. The best part is that initially he actually believed me.

To make a long story short, I convinced him to leave work, drive from Manhattan to Staten Island in the rain for a little afternoon delight. It was so spontaneous and goofy that I pretty much didn't care about my reconstruction. When I whipped off my camisol he said they looked great...although we later joked that they are wicked hard. I still have tussue expanders and am fully expanded and they literally hold his chest off mine.

A few people (mostly men) commented before and after my mastectomy that if a man really loves you your breasts won't matter. I always felt that was sanctimoneous horse!@#$. Of course it matters, and if not to them, then to me. On the flip side I've realized that it really doesn't matter.....but not for the reasons they say. Men are such horny dogs that anything short of an alien crawling out of your chest really doesn't put them off.

Obviously a person in a long term committed relationship has a host of other issues to deal with and for right now I damn glad I don't have to deal with those.

Actually an old boyfriend has resurfaced wanting to start something new. Based on past experience with him I think he wants to make himself feel better. Looking at someone elses life go down the crapper makes yours look a little better. And he constantly needs stroking. He wants to drive me to chemo and tells me I'm doing to much., etc etc. Much as I'd like to vomit in his brand new Navigator .....I really don't want the drama. Get your own diagnosis, buddy....mine's taken.

Anyway....musings from a single women just trying to get by.

J
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Mar 14, 2005 06:21AM Mena wrote:

WOW some serious mojo going on here...omigod....and to think I started it....holy crap, what if this IS my "legacy" hahahahhaha....

Claire, kudos on your candor. I'd love to hear what others are thinking about your night...it may not be for me...but, hey, neither is work hahahaha...

I'm experiencing some marital difficulties right now (and Claire's saying 'go to a go-go bar') BUT the Wand...that's the Hitachi Magic Wand....did not fail to deliver...several times...The really weird thing is that our struggles are making me really randy. What the hell is up with that?

Bring it on ladies...I need the distraction. Let's get the chatter going...

Oh, and I really should acknowledge here my bosom buddies that truly watch over me while I go through this madness. So many of you...get all teary just thinking about what your support in the last week has meant to me...The Wand doesn't even come close...
Dx 8/8/2004, IDC, Stage IV, Grade 3, 1/20 nodes, mets, ER+/PR+, HER2+
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Mar 15, 2005 11:18AM debsie wrote:

Thanksguys for all the great stuff. I'm 52 postmenapausal bc. I'm on arimidex and effexor for the hot flashes and i've had no desire at all. Its so great to know i'm not alone and all the great things there are to try. You guys are great thanks a lot Debsie

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Mar 19, 2005 03:38AM richmondnan wrote:

Guys, I realized that I'd been giving you an incorrect name for the book which I found helpful. This book is written by two (married) doctors. They run weekends for couples looking to "boost" their love life; these weekends are well-regarded--I'd seen them highly rated somewhere in my internet wanderings.

The book is quite lovely, actually, not at all prurient, most of it is geared to a superior mind/emotional/spiritual connection w/ your mate. There are some explicit discussions of anatomy and technique which I think are helpful, but nothing "kinky".

The RIGHT name of the book is
"Your Long Erotic Weekend" by Lana Holstein and David Taylor.

I recommend it. We used it on our Miami weekend w/ very fun results!
Nan
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Mar 21, 2005 09:33AM jlazyk wrote:

I just noticed the little smiley girl under your name on the discussion board. Are her arms swinging? or are those tassels on her nipples?...either way it is very cute, but more impressive if they're tassels.

j
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Mar 21, 2005 03:24PM SillyMama wrote:

Those are definitely Claire's tassels! Our Texas friend Hilde gave us a link to erotic icons, and Claire beat me to the tassels and I had to put up a picture of my dogs!
donna
:-D My human kid is cute, too! Dx 6/2004, IDC, 0/7 nodes, ER+
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Mar 22, 2005 01:30AM jlazyk wrote:

Your dogs are very cute too. I have to figure out how to get a picture of my son and Boston together.

Erotic icon.....thats what I want to be when I grow up.

j
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Apr 21, 2005 02:58AM Pauline3837 wrote:

I came across this site and can relate soooooooo much! I'm 53 and 2 years out and the Arimidex has left me feeling sexless. I'm checking out some of the "suggestion" because at this point in time, I'll try anything to get my MoJo back. Thanks Mena for starting this.

Pauline3837 Dx 2/23/2003, IDC, 2cm, Stage IIIA, Grade 2, 5/10 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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Apr 25, 2005 02:41AM Claiire wrote:

Just "bumping" this thread up
Dx 10/3/2002, LCIS, 6cm+, Stage IIIB, 0/9 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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Apr 26, 2005 03:47AM Biscotti wrote:

Confession time... My husband lost his mojo on our honeymoon 32 years ago....lol....he did manage enough mojo to create one lovely daughter . I've stood by all these years wishing an hoping but no luck...so thanks to the internet, and chatting...I happened to find a "sweetie" and he lives only 7 miles from me! He has the same problems at home..no sex...so for the past 4 years, we have enjoyed eachother and our relationship remains extremely passionate, he's stood by me all through the BC, he's the one who encouraged me to seek treatment for the lump he felt (and I was ignoring) on our first intimate encounter.
We are playful and passionate and share everything...and we have recently introduced toys into our lovemaking. I love some of the sites you girls have posted..especially www.mypleasure.com . Another good one is www.xandria.com .... ...oh, as an aside..( I'm 54 and he's 70) so it's NEVER too late...

I love this site and want to thank all you lovely ladies for many smiles.
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Apr 26, 2005 05:20AM JillG wrote:

Well, the sad news is that I can't even get there any more with this technique - even the pocket rocket let me down last night. This has just happened the last 2 months, with hot flashes, drying up like a prune, and forget the big 'O'. Is it going to settle down when my body gets used to it? I was married just 4 months before BC, and my new husband's been great but it's starting to be a strain with this new development . . .

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Apr 26, 2005 04:44PM SpanArtist wrote:

Jill, read this thread from the beginning (if you have the time!)...and try the Hitachi Magic Wand, a much more powerful vibrator than a pocket rocket (the wand is electric, not battery-driven). You can order one from the web, and if there's a vibrator that will work, this is it!

Good luck and hugs,
Liza
Dx 10/28/2004, IDC, <1cm, Stage I, Grade 3, 0/4 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2+
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Apr 29, 2005 02:22AM Biscotti wrote:

bumping up the Mojo...can't let it get lost....
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May 2, 2005 04:37AM Pauline3837 wrote:

Just bumping this important subject to the top again.

Pauline3837 Dx 2/23/2003, IDC, 2cm, Stage IIIA, Grade 2, 5/10 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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May 10, 2005 10:16AM Claiire wrote:

I'm just bumping the MoJo thread up!

How about the new holiday in Brazil!

Brazilian town declares official Orgasm Day
By The Associated Press
(5/09/05 - RIO DE JANEIRO, Brazil) � Sex rarely makes the news in Brazil's conservative Northeast -- until a small town declared an official Orgasm Day on Monday.

Espertantina Mayor Felipe Santolia endorsed the May 9 holiday, which he said was intended to improve relationships between married couples.

"We're celebrating orgasm in all its senses. There's even a panel discussion on premature ejaculation. But from what I've seen, women have more trouble achieving orgasm than men, especially in marriage," Santolia said by telephone from Esperantina, 1,300 miles north of Rio de Janeiro.
Santolia said the remote town of 38,000 people has been unofficially celebrating orgasm day for years, but that the town's former mayor had vetoed a bill making it an official municipal holiday.

The city council passed a law Saturday creating the holiday. Santolia, who took office earlier this year, said he would sign the bill later Monday.

"I'm 32, single and I have an open mind. Beside the theme is very much of the moment," he said.

Orgasm Day celebrations include a series of panel discussions by sexologists from across Brazil and a presentation of Eve Ensler's play "The Vagina Monologues."
Santolia said the idea of celebrating Orgasm Day at first created a scandal in this poor region, known for its religious fervor. But he said residents gradually residents warmed to the idea.

"I've seen scientific studies that show when a woman is unloved, when her husband can bring her to orgasm, it affects all aspects of her life, her relationships with her children, at home, with the city and at work," Santolia said.
Dx 10/3/2002, LCIS, 6cm+, Stage IIIB, 0/9 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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May 13, 2005 02:15AM Bianca wrote:

I too am searching for my long, lost mojo...

I will try that gel, and definitely talk to my doc. For those ladies taking it, does the Cymbalta help with hot flashes? I was taking Zoloft, but it didn't help too much and I think it affected my libido. Even off of it though, my mojo has deserted me. While normally I can get wetter than a slip-n-slide, I am now dry, dry, dry. Last time we did it... yowch! I've noticed too that the sensation "down under" is practically zilch. He could've been patting me on the head for all the good it did!

Anyhooo, I've had a blast reading all the posts, and thought I'd add more:

If you want to shop privately, but with help, look for a Passions consultant. About a year ago, I went to a Passions home party and it was hilarious! They start out with just massage oils and very tame items, but if you're group asks, they'll show you more dildos and vibes than you can shake a stick at! ha!
She had us all try a flavored gel for the nips, and a gel for you-know-what. Lots of the gals felt a tingling and loved it, but I just felt a burning sensation and had to wash it off.
And here's a review of the Silver Bullets. I ordered the single, but she accidentally sent the double. First off, I'm new to vibes, but the levels on these left much to be desired (pun intended). They were always either too strong or too weak, and geeez, it sounded like I had a chainsaw going in there! Okay, a slight exaggeration. But really, the whirrring sound distracted me from the task at hand (love those puns).

As for lubes, do you all notice that once they dry, there's kind of a gritty feel to them? Maybe not gritty, but something weird. I felt that with KY, the Passions brand that is their best-seller, and some other I can't recall. Is it just me?

I've been checking out the links ya'll have put on here and wooooooooh, some of them are crazy! Can you believe:

A BLUSH BRUSH vibrator! You can really use it for blush, but you might get powder where you don't need it!

I also grinned at the LIPSTICK VIBE, and the LICKETY SPLIT that looks like a tongue!

And OMG there's a voice-activated vibe too! It's called the AUDI-OH. Apparently you can convert any sound to work. Hmmm... makes me think of those "Clap-On, Clap-Off" commercials!

And drumroll please.....
MAKE YOUR OWN DILDO KIT!! Now you can take your hubby (or part of him at least) with you wherever you go!

Now I'm off to find the best price on one of those Pocket Rockets.
Bianca Dx 5/2002, IDC, 3cm, Stage IV, Grade 3, mets, ER+/PR+, HER2+
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May 13, 2005 02:19AM Bianca wrote:

Oh, also wanted to share a word of warning:

Don't use real whipped cream in bed. I turned my hubby into a "banana" split with the spray can... bad idea. Body heat& dairy products don't mix. One word: CURDLED. In a matter of minutes, that's how it smelled. Ewwwwwwww
Bianca Dx 5/2002, IDC, 3cm, Stage IV, Grade 3, mets, ER+/PR+, HER2+
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May 24, 2005 04:10PM Claiire wrote:

That was funny! Next time use something like Cool Whip, it isn't real...

Or use the "sex" whipped cream they sell in stores or online.

Just think... you must have been generating a *lot* of heat for it to curdle so fast!

Go Girl!!
Dx 10/3/2002, LCIS, 6cm+, Stage IIIB, 0/9 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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May 25, 2005 06:41AM jlazyk wrote:

The Clap on/Clap off dildo idea reminds me of my first serious boyfriend. His wacky mother was so proud of the new clap on/clap off lamp she had bought for the living room. We were going at it so fast and furious on the couch (as 20 year olds do), that we kept turning it on and off. I guess thats a hump on/hump off.

Anyway, I'm at the end of my Taxol (I had 4). For the last two weeks I've been getting hot flashes on occasion. And during sex I had them wicked. I had sweat dripping off my chin....It was embarrassing. My pillow was soaked through. Reminded me of that superbowl commercial were that guy runs upstairs to his waiting woman and slides of the satin sheets through the window. He could have flown off me. Also it took forever to accomplish the big O.

Bianca, I noticed that you mentioned "that gel", but I couldn't find that post you were referring to. Which gel is that? Is it just a lubricant or does it help with achieving orgasm?
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Jun 2, 2005 12:59AM 3strikes wrote:

Ok, ok... I'm sitting here in the dark, no one to see that I'm posting in the MO-JO forum.

I've got a big problem on the horizon THIS WEEKEND!

HELP!!!

I've read all the posts here, and I have found useful info. I do have most of the recommended "supplies" and I can achieve the Big -O, with my handy dandy electric vibrater. I can use lubes, I can even think about being in the mood, I can actually want to have sex [make love].

My DH tends to be alittle dysfuntional most of the time.

Now the problem... we are going away this weekend and HE brought up the subject of having sex! He intends to go blind... using the little blue pill, this weekend.
To me, that means he is hopeful of obtaining a non-bent erection... which is ALWAYS HELPFUL for penetration.
Now, there's the word that is going to kill me!

My little Ms.V is the giver of PAIN.
So, even thou I may feel aroused, lube up, tingle, actually desire and let it flow... Ms. V says NO.
Even in foreplay, not even a lubercated finger may enter without wrenching pain.
I've tried myself to do this exercise [in the past and even today] to stretch this sorry site. Yes, the tools do their prodding and protruding, the wanting and the artificial lubing... but OH THE PAIN!
I cringe to think about DH's sorry Mr.P trying to enter Ms.V!

So, the question is... What can I do [besides shoot myself] for the "up and coming" assault, that awaits me this weekend?

DH has been very patient, and part of his problem can be related to not wanting to hurt me either. God, we are a sorry sight.
Wish I could rub something on to numb the w..hole area.

Going to have intercourse this weekend even if it kills me, so any suggestions would be GREATLY APPRECIATED.... ASAP!!!

can you feel me blushing???? you know my tag name, so might as well just sign my name.
[diane]
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Jun 2, 2005 02:50AM profm2_hotmail_com wrote:

Diane, I think many of us can relate to what you are saying. With the tamoxifen, my estrogen and "arousal" got up and went pretty quickly. I have a feeling I am quite a bit older than you are, but there is still great love and desire for the physical joy of "making whoopee" in the brain, even if the body is "over the hill." That said, here is what I think.

The pain may be both physical (dryness, lack of the quality of natural lubrication, which is estrogen driven, and just changes in the "chemistry" of our bodies since the onslaught of cancer and the crap to fight it), it can be emotional (my body looks crappy -- who would want to love this?, is he doing this because he feels sorry for me and it's his duty, what if I cannot "perform" like I used to -- a host of thinking demons that haunt all of us, and it can be the power the pain memory. Whenever there is pain, the memory of it is very powerful. We can remember every excruciating detail. When this happens, our bodies constrict, preparing for the same pain, even though it may not "really" be there, but we think it is. Therefore, it sort of becomes a vicious circle. An example of this happened to me several years ago. While opening a can, I cut my finger -- not really bad, but it bled and was at a bad place. To this day, whenever I have to open a can, I cringe, think about it, take a deep breath, relax, and open the can. That memory is VERY powerful.Everytime I open a can, I think of the pain of getting cut. I even screw up my face thinking about it.

All this being said, here is what might be helpful to you. I would try to speak with a counselor who specializes in treating cancer patients. This might be a big help in identifying the problem and ways to relax (such as imaging, chemically balance creams -- remember, these lubrications are made for women who have the right chemical balances of lubrication and have never had chemo -- we don't have the same vaginal chemistry anymore), and how you might be able to enjoy your sweetie in "re-establishing" intimacy with both trust and gentle progression.

Anyway, Diane -- that's my 2 cents worth. Our bodies, emotions, and our very souls have taken a beating. Even though we look and "feel well," there are parts of us that are still not quite understood, even by the medical profession, and this is one of these areas. I have yet to read any research about the chemistry changes in the vaginal fluids after cancer and chemo, not to mention the various hormone therapies that continuously change our body chemistry. It certainly needs attention from those who engage in cancer research.

Always remember that the power of negative memory is far greater than the power of positive memory. I believe the right counselor can help you ramp up the power of the positive to overcome your acute memories of pain, and help you to find the right lubrications as well. I know that this may not help you this weekend, but for the future, it might be something you would want to consider. If you live near a big city, please check with professional associations for counselors to find one who has knowledge about the needs of cancer patients.

XOXO M2
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Jun 2, 2005 03:11AM Member_of_the_Club wrote:

Oral sex? Could take the pressure off and be just as fun.

Dx 9/30/2004, IDC, 3cm, Stage IIB, Grade 2, 1/17 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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Jun 2, 2005 03:36AM roseg wrote:

DH needs for 'forget' his Viagra. I mean, how long can you do oral sex on a guy who'se taken Viagra?

You might, in time, be able to get Ms. V. ready for penetration, but not by this weekend. So maybe this should be the impetus to work on your pain problem, and you'll have to wiggle your way out of this weekend.
Rose
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Jun 2, 2005 11:33AM Roxwooood wrote:

Diane, just wanted to say that sex with Viagra is to achieve and maintain an erection to enable him to penetrate, but shouldn't affect the length of time it takes to acheive the orgasm that much. Especially if your DH has not been able to perform as well as he would have liked lately, just the ability to achieve a nice "stiffy" may be so exciting to him that he won't take nearly as long as you think! I actually had sex with someone who used Viagra and this was my experience too. It doesn't cause the erection, his natural desire causes that, the Viagra just opens up those vessels and allow engorgement so that when he gets aroused (mentally) his penis will co-operate with him. Anyways thats my 2 cents, and my limited experience with it.

I think M2 is right. Most of this is mental. I have resumed some of my normal desire for sex, the last couple months. Not too long ago, my DH and I were having sex, and for just a second I felt a twinge of pain, kinda like he was at the wrong angle for a split second. After that, it was fine and dandy again. Later, I went to the bathroom, and when I wiped I saw a little streak of blood. Now, believe me, I may be one who likes it "rougher" than some, but I am NOT into pain. My thoughts are that because I was enjoying the act, and not expecting pain, I didn't experience the amount of discomfort one would expect, if later there was blood on the tissue. It never happened again, and I know our vaginal wall is thin, and will tear more easily, that would contribute to some of what happened. At 44, I had never had lubrication problems til bc treatment. Some of the lubrication problem is getting better, which I notice mostly when I am (mentally) all fired up about having sex. Our brains can really mess with our sex life more than our bodies I think. Unfortunately, this experience really does a whammy on our brains as far as desire and self esteem. I hope you can enjoy your weekend Diane. Do you have any mild anti-anxiety meds? I'd take them if I were you, just take one about every 6 or 8 hours, to keept the edge off. Or if you don't take those, maybe a few drinks will help you relax and take the edge off. I will be honest with you, I've prayed about my sex life too, is everyone totally freaked out over that one??? ROFL The Song of Solomon is wonderful, it helps us understand that our sexual life with our spouse is a gift, our sexual desire is a blessing, not anything to be ashamed of. So, guess I'm saying pray for a good romp too! On a side note, my DH just came thru, asked what I was doing, I told him what I was typing...I had never mentioned the blood thing to him. I hope that wasn't a mistake. I frequently refer to his "nice fat Puerto Rican penis", so hopefully he realizes this isn't a complaint of any sort.

So, now that I've spilled my guts, can someone explain to me how Tamoxifen works? how does it affect our sexuality? I was thinking it kept our bc cells from using the estrogen to enhance cancer growth, kind of like a lock and key thing. Is it really decreasing the amount of estrogen we produce? or how our whole body utilizes estrogen? etc. I know, you'd think I would have done more research by now, been on it for a month! Maybe I'm hoping that ignorance is bliss, hoping denial will work in my favor...sorta serious there.
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Jun 2, 2005 12:21PM Roxwooood wrote:

Look what I found....



Testosterone Patch May Help Surgically Menopausal Women With Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder
In a randomized trial published in the May issue of Obstetrics & Gynecology, a patch providing 300 micrograms per day significantly increased satisfying sexual activity...
Medscape Medical News 2005
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Jun 2, 2005 12:56PM conniec wrote:

PLEASE BE AWARE -- BLUNT AND OPEN LANGUAGE USED IN THIS MESSAGE. PLEASE DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE UNEASY WITH SEXUAL TOPICS. Thank you.


Hello 3Strikes,

Oh, I, too, feel your pain, in SO many ways .... I truly do! My hubby and I have had "intercourse" maybe 6 times in two years -- NOT GOOD! I use other means to make HIM happy and to try to keep a feeling of sexually intimacy in our lives -- but, I, too, have ZERO tolerance for intercourse.

And, no, I don't know why, either -- which drives me crazy! Have asked Onc -- she just puts me on a different anti-depressant (didn't work, of course); ask my Surgeon -- no help there. Even asked my Shrink -- no help there, either.

If you have sensative skin on your vulva and clitoral area -- the exterior areas -- I am RETRACTING my advice to use "FINALLY" -- it burned me so much, we had to stop to wash it off me.

NOTE: The line of products called "Kama Sutra," DOES have a 'mint" de-sensitizer, but, when used, it also "desensitizes" the male, as well, and makes it that much more difficult for him to achieve orgasm.

One of the problems I'm finding,is that DH is SO anxious to pleasure me with his fingers (he's got GREAT fingers, which I would be happy to lend out!!! ), that he tries too HARD on the poor clit, which wants to be "teased' insted of bullied.

But, even when I say this to him, in no uncertain terms, but lovingly, he is not getting it. I even demonstrate on HIM how it needs to be done. He USED to know how to do this -- now, I think he's just so THRILLED I want to have intercourse (which, to be truthful with you all, I DON'T, but I don't tell him that, of course), that he just is too rough.

To put that into perspective, in the past, when I was "normal," I LOVED it on the rough side -- and I hope this doesn't offend anyone -- and discovered that pinching my clitoris brought a hightened pleasure; biting of nipples= hightened arousel; a bit rough on penetration and actual "ramming" during intercourse was THE BEST!

Now? I can't even GET aroused, so ANY touching is painful. I went to have a Pap Smear done, and cried throughout the entire time -- and was told later that the "student" who did it, didn't get the cervical cells, so I have to go back to go through that torture AGAIN!.

So, THREE-STRIKES -- my advice? If you have some LIDOCAINE SUSPENSION (such as if you had wicked sore mouth/throat during chemo = THRUSH), maybe try that to deaden exterior and interior. Sounds ludicrous, but I'm thinking I might give it a shot, myself.

Use TONS of lubrication, grin and bare it, and fake it -- as I've done for the last two years. It bites to have to "pretend" when we used to yearn for sex, and I hope that someday you -- and the rest of us -- will be able to have pain-free intercourse. And the DESIRE to have it, as well.

GOOD LUCK!!!!! And, also, I hope DH does NOT go blind! -- after this weekend, throw those darn pills out!!!!)

With warmest wishes for as pleasant a weekend as possible,

ConnieRC -- your "sister-in-kind"

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