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Forum: Sex & Relationship Matters —

A safe place to talk candidly about how your romantic relationships and/or your sex life has changed following your diagnosis and treatment.

Posted on: Oct 17, 2004 12:45PM - edited Feb 9, 2016 12:04PM by Moderators

Mena wrote:

Hey girls,

You know, this loss of libido thing is just unnacceptable. I was in the chat room earlier today and mentioned it and man, you should've heard how many of us are experiencing this problem. I promised the ladies I'd post my rant, so here it comes (or....doesn't ).

If bc were a man's disease, not only would there be a cure for bc by now, but certainly there'd be a plethora of non-hormonal therapies available for whatever the female version is of "erectile dysfuntion". I don't think I'm exaggerating. I'll make the damn commercials myself (no pride here lol).

Prior to the news of my recurrence/mets (August) my husband and I had a phenomenal sex life. I absofreakinlutely loved making love to my husband. (Btw, I'm 43; and as part of tx for mets, I was chemically oopherized with Zoladex and take Femara daily).

I still enjoy loving my love. Emotionally, spiritually, mentally, I do. Even physically I still like it. It's just not rockin' my world, as they say, like it used to. I miss that. And I refuse to accept this as acceptable. It is not. If the genders were reversed, this would be the first &%$#* problem they'd address! Well, ok, the second.

I know the clinical reasons for the low libido, but there's got to be something out there for us that's not contraindicated with treatment. Here's what I've tried so far: a Zen approach; a "go w/the flow" attitude; a "get started and it'll all just kick in" mindset; a "try not to think about it at all" focus; et al.

I'm interested in hearing what the rest of you have to say about this matter, and I know it is an intimate one. But we're all sisters and I do hope some of you will share your experiences and whatever help you've found for missing mojo.

Thanks for letting me vent. God Bless.


****************************Addition from February 4, 2016***********************************

Hi All,

We've gone through a lot (not all) of the pages on this topic, and tried to compile your suggestions.

Do you feel that this is a complete list of what has been discussed here? Please help us make a comprehensive list of your ideas!

Member suggestions for helping the libido:

Watch romantic movie or soft-porn on Netflix

Romantic music

Watch porn or visit short videos on Tumblr, YouTube, or other internet site

A little wine, or other substance to help relax (e.g. medical marijuana)

Sexual photos

Massage and massage oils

Literotica: Erotic/sexual stories as an alternative to images

Super sexy lingerie or fun clothing

Have partner practice foreplay and/or oral sex

Practice masturbation on a regular basis

Mindfulness, i.e. focus on what your five senses are experiencing in the moment --To keep your thoughts from dwelling on cancer and scars

Member suggestions to improve vaginal moisture:

Coconut oil works best as a moisturizer (freeze small balls to make suppositories)

Vitamin E suppositories

Almond oil

Replens long-lasting moisturizer

Luvena vaginal moisturizer

Shea butter melted into olive oil at a 2:1 ratio

Cocoa butter

Olive oil

Gynatrof gel

DHEA vaginal suppositories

Tip to use an applicator to insert moisturizers and apply a few times a week.

Member suggestion for lubrication during sexual activity:

Astroglide Natural (free from glycerin, fragrance, flavorings, and hormones)

Slippery Stuff (free from glycerin and parabens)

K-Y warming Jelly

K-Y Sensual Silk Liquid (paraben-free)

K-Y Liquibeads

K-Y UltraGel (paraben-free)

Astroglide, X (silicone-based)

Platinum Wet (silicone-based)

Replens silky smooth lubricant (silicone-based)

Sliquid natural lubricants (free from DEA, gluten, glycerine, glycerol, parabens, PEG, propylene glycol, sorbitol & sulphates)

Additional member suggestion to reduce pain:

Topical Lidocaine solution for use at the entrance of the vagina

Member suggestion for sex toys:

Vibrators (e.g. Hitachi Magic Wand, Pink Dot Vibe, Pocket Rocket, the Rabbit)

Dildos for pleasure, to stretch the entrance, prevent vaginal atrophy and strengthen muscles

Member suggestion for estrogen or hormone-based treatments

(MUST discuss first with oncologists as not typically recommended for women who have had breast cancer)

Vagifem® (estradiol vaginal tablets) inserts

Testosterone patch or gel

ESTRING® (estradiol vaginal ring)

ESTRACE® CREAM (estradiol vaginal cream)

Scream Cream - contains a combination of prescription and non-prescription components described as blood flow enhancers and vasodiolators to apply to your clitoris (adding here, as it contains a bit of Testosterone- 0.25mg per dose)

Other member suggestions:

Kegel exercises to strengthen pelvic muscles

Pelvic physical therapy

Dilators to stretch the skin in your vaginal area and re-train the pelvic floor muscles to relax

Observe which antidepressant you take, and make necessary changes

MonaLisa Touch: A minimally invasive laser treatment for vaginal rejuvenation.

Easier if she "goes first".

Regular activity is important.

Read the book, COUPLES CONFRONTING CANCER: KEEPING YOUR RELATIONSHIP STRONG, by Fincammon & Bruss, published by the American Cancer Society.

Share this thread with your husband/lover to create a new bond of intimacy, normalize what others are going through and open communication.

Take a look at this resource:

Dx 8/8/2004, IDC, Stage IV, Grade 3, 1/20 nodes, mets, ER+/PR+, HER2+
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Nov 18, 2004 04:01PM Sphynx wrote:

Ok - I love this thread. I'm not out of the closet enough to contribute but I do look for the suggestions offered!

Dx 2/28/2003, Stage II, Grade 3, 1/3 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2-
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Nov 19, 2004 07:37AM hooptiedoo wrote:

HooptieDoo's update: Well, ladies, I did it. As of this moment, the Pink Dot Vibe is hurtling towards my mailbox! I actually paid a dollar extra so it would come Priority Mail. I just looked in a mirror and my face is bright red, so I'm trying to hide from my co-workers until my blood pressure returns to normal. I should have this wonder product in 3 to 5 days, so it could come while we're out of town for Tgiving. My husband is going to wonder why I'm in such a hurry to get home. Boy howdy, is he going to be surprised!!! I'm taking off work from Tgiving Day to the following Wednesday, and hopefully will be having a LOT of fun. I'm DESPERATE for some relief! And as for vibrators causing bomb scares, have you seen all the news stories about vibrators going off in airports and the people who own them getting searched? Now wouldn't THAT be a passion killer.

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Nov 19, 2004 08:32AM NPat wrote:


Yeah for Hooptie!! Just think... Mena started it all!!!

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Nov 19, 2004 09:04AM connierc wrote:

It's OK, Sphynx, you can gather all the info you want -- and when you feel ready, peek out of the closet and join on in! THIS discussion board seems to be, well, rather popular, for some strange reason! Can't imagine why.....

I'm, also, going to do some looking at the "discount" sites mentioned here, as the one I posted has a MUCH more expensive "pocket rocket." I have two, but one seems to broken -- that's my spare! Can't be without a spare -- driving your car with a flat spar tire!

Enjoy the posts, and we look forward to you creeping your way out the door

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Nov 19, 2004 09:07AM connierc wrote:

OMG, can you imagine going through airports security!? What a HOOT that would be! I have some friends who enjoy, well, rather unusual activities, and THEIR bag sent all the alarms off with all the metal in their "play bag." I could just SEE the face of the poor security person pulling wrist cuffs, restraints, tons of various vibrators, lubricants, harnesses, whips, etc., out of THAT bag! OMG!!!!


Take care,
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Nov 19, 2004 10:06AM Mena wrote:

Hey ladies -- First, Pat, I was laughing out loud when I read your post about the SWAT team and all......

Hooptie, Congratulations on your purchase! Let us know how it goes. Vroom Vroom.......

Connie, OMG, wrist cuffs, restraints and metal? What kind of friends to you have???? I'm frightened for you.

As for moi, my husband and I went this morning to the site that Pat posted and ordered the Hitachi Magic Wand (that Liza recommended) and the Pocket Rocket (that seems to be real popular) for much lower prices than are offered on other sites.

Once again, I must reiterate that this is my first time EVER using any type of gadget. So this should be quite interesting to say the least.

In my Catholic-washed brain, I feel like I'm committing a mortal sin and will go to Hell. But I will overcome. Emphasis on overcome lollol.

Sphynx, come on, girl. When I started this, all I wanted was an ear and some advice. Now I'm ordering battery-operated devices and buying gels and lubes and talking about it all. And I keep doing it in the hopes of helping all us bc sisters everywhere get back some of what's been taken from us by this disease and its treatments.

We're here for you Sphynx, whenever you're

Let's not any of us forget intimacy and communication. All of this is fun, but unless you have a best buddy as a lover to share it all with, I don't imagine it adds up to much. I wish this for all of you!

God Bless.
Dx 8/8/2004, IDC, Stage IV, Grade 3, 1/20 nodes, mets, ER+/PR+, HER2+
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Nov 19, 2004 02:05PM Glad wrote:

PAT!!!!!!!!!!!! hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha LMFAO!!!!


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Nov 19, 2004 03:30PM blueiris wrote:

Since we are doing product reviews here let me warn you away from something. I bought some strawberry flavored whipped cream from Fredrick's of Hollywood and it was some of the nastiest stuff I have every tasted. Dumb me didn't taste it before spraying it all over. Plus it left a lovely pink stain on the white nighty I bought at the same time. The store had tester bottles of the different flavors, but there was no way that I was going to eat some flavored whipped cream in the store at the mall! Eew! Oh yeah my hubby thought the whole thing was stupid, so I didn't even get any points for creativity! Oh well. Live and learn.

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Nov 20, 2004 06:05AM AnneW wrote:

A friend recommends the chocolate sauce that hardens on ice cream. She's never lead me astray, so I bought some.

My libido's been in the tank, so the sauce sits in the cupboard. Maybe I'll try it today. The sheets need washing anyway!

2002 IDC stage 1, grade 1, rads & AI Dx 9/18/2007, ILC, <1cm, Stage I, Grade 1, 0/1 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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Nov 20, 2004 07:36AM Mena wrote:

Hi Anne -- chocolate on the sheets???????

I'm just too OCD for that. I'd just be worrying about how to remove the stains the whole time to enjoy anything lol.

But by all means please let us know how it goes. If the chocolate comes out of the sheets, I'm off to the store!

Absolutely. Sounds like fun. And I get my Vitamin CH fix at the same time.

Now, does it harden (yes, pun is intended) on flesh?
Dx 8/8/2004, IDC, Stage IV, Grade 3, 1/20 nodes, mets, ER+/PR+, HER2+
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Nov 20, 2004 07:41AM richmondnan wrote:

You guys are one of my favorites to visit!
Fyi, I got the pocket rocket b/c it was so discreet looking. It did not get the first raised eyebrow when it got scanned in airport security, fwiw.

The whole weekend thing seems to have a persistent benefit around here, it has definitely helped me in the libido dept. Someone posted a while ago that we needed to get more frequent use to stay "tuned up"...I guess this is right? Anyway, its fun trying
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Nov 20, 2004 09:07AM NPat wrote:

Oh, my!!!

This thread needs to be saved!!! I have never laughed so hard!!!...

Wow, I had a powerful thought! We need to synchronize our watches and energize the Pocket Rockets at a specified time!!!

No, darn, that wouldn't work... There would be NO ONE on the boards!!! (That is assuming that when we are here, there is nothing else going on!)

Another thought... I wonder what the "personal pleasure" establishments think about this surge in orders? Nah, they're not giving it a second thought... they're just raking in the dough!!!

Until next time...

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Nov 21, 2004 04:54PM Mena wrote:

Ok, forgive my naivete here, but just where is everyone flying off to for soooooo long that you need to pack your vibrators??????? (not to mention what Connie's friends pack)

I'm still waiting for my goodies to arrive, and I don't travel by air that much, so maybe this will all make sense to me some day. But right now I, uh, just don't get this need to pack a vibrator.

Usually, if I'm going somewhere that far from home my husband is with me. He doesn't need batteries, and can get through airport security without raising eyebrows.

Am I missing something? Help me out here.
Dx 8/8/2004, IDC, Stage IV, Grade 3, 1/20 nodes, mets, ER+/PR+, HER2+
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Nov 22, 2004 03:46PM connierc wrote:

ah, mena, mena, mena....

'toys" aren't meant JUST for ones' self -- they can be used in CONJUNCTION with your partner. HE can use the toy on you, to get that juices flowing, or use whatever flavored, heated, etc., lotions/ lubes you have brought along, and that, too, can help getting the action started. Same as with a video/ cd WOMEN DIRECTED "video."

If you think a man doesn't want to see you using your toy, you have another think coming! He will ENJOY that quite a bit, believe me! and, hey, he'll soon be joining in, I assure you!

So, the "vibes" aren't just for yourself, while alone at home....they can be shared toys for you BOTH to enjoy!

Happy sharing!


ps -- stop picking on my friends, meanie! To each his / her own .... don't knock it until you've tried it! But please, it you want to use a four-poster bed and tie someone up, DO NOT use pantyhose -- they will chalf and burn you / him. Use something soft and silky, like a long scarf or a long piece of fur arouind he wrists and ankles -- must more pleasurable! (Connie can't WAIT to hear what sweet Mena has to say about THIS! LOL ) OH, and blind folds can be lots of fun, too -- this you can use just about anythingm, but again, make sure it's soft and pleaseing to the skin, not too tight around the head -- these you could order from the

some have rabbit lined blind folds, so no peaking hee hee

ENJOY! EXPLORE BE ADVENTURSOME! TRY SOMETHING NEW AND DIFFERENT -- you might find it's what you've been missing for years!

oh, and to REALLY shock you, here is another site to look at -- a girlfriend of mine buys ALL her goodies from here, and they also send all SORTS of freebies along, as well .... and what freebies they are!

This one MIGHT make you blush....beware!

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Nov 24, 2004 03:46PM Mena wrote:

Oh Connie, Connie, Connie. Thanks for sharing, but no thanks. We're very adventuresome in our own natural, sweaty, lights-on, goofy, lots of positions, fun-loving way. However, we're just not ones for blindfolds and tying one another up and all that (I'd probably have a panic attack lol).

But I'm happy to report that something must be working. We had an incredibly passionate night earlier this week. I can't pinpoint what made everything work so well. I just wanted so badly to show this wonderful man how very much I love him and I prayed that God would give my body the ability to do this. My body cooperated and cooperated well! I was really surprised and so happy I cried.

So now my husband is very confused lol. A couple weeks ago I cried because my body wouldn't work. This time I cried because it did. Oy!

And, THE MAIL MAN COMETH. My daughter came running in with a box that she begged me to open lol. I told her it was a Christmas present (uh huh, for moi) and to put it on my bed. I haven't even opened it yet, let alone experimented.

This is a HUGE step for me ladies, so be patient; I'm not sure I even know what do to with these things lol.

I know, I know, you're all out there thinking what a loser prude I am. Well, let me tell you something, I bet I could teach y'all a thing or two -- no props necessary .
Dx 8/8/2004, IDC, Stage IV, Grade 3, 1/20 nodes, mets, ER+/PR+, HER2+
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Nov 24, 2004 04:50PM Carol2156 wrote:

Oh my! How did I miss this thread for so long!???!! (Mena - be good to yourself, when you are ready - try it!) Sometimes even with our significant others - all we have are ourselves! It can be a great release and tension easer...

I have yet to do the mail order thing but have managed to wear dark sunglasses and go shopping. I think maybe for Christmas I will treat myself though!

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Nov 24, 2004 05:22PM richmondnan wrote:

Mena, That is such great news you almost made me cry reading it! I totally understand, as I'm not shy, really, but adventurous only in specific ways....(if that makes sense).
Prayer is an amazing thing!
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Nov 24, 2004 07:42PM scorpiox55 wrote:

Well, tonite, we are trying the Vigel. (Thanks Mena)...This has been really tough not being like I used to be! I don't think I am quite ready for handcuffs and butt items though! Thanks anyway! My hubby would probably die from a heart attack if I pulled out some of that stuff! It looks painful! Well, if this stuff doesn't work, I'll cross that bridge when I get to it............Jo
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Nov 26, 2004 11:42AM scorpiox55 wrote:

Ok, here it is..I have been smiling ALL DAY. We used the Vigel and it seemed to have helped. I won't go into any details but I seemed to even notice a little 'flicker' of mojo present. The end result was impressive. ok, happy? LOL!! Love to everyone! Jo

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Nov 26, 2004 12:05PM Mena wrote:

What??? No details??? OMG. Shall we translate that word "impressive" to mean the big "O". OMG.

So, this could be a new movie. Forget "James and the Giant Peach". Now we have "Jo and the Giant O" hahahahaha.
Dx 8/8/2004, IDC, Stage IV, Grade 3, 1/20 nodes, mets, ER+/PR+, HER2+
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Nov 26, 2004 12:09PM scorpiox55 wrote:

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Would anyone actually pay to see that one? lol might be interesting to say the least! I am a little "shy" about details but I am going to try again just to make sure this wasn't a "fluke"! Jo
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Nov 28, 2004 06:54AM Glad wrote:

OK, Ms. Mena darling... how come we have not heard how your "package" worked for YOU??? No secrets here, babe, remember? Last we heard, the package had arrived, you told your daughter to go put it on your bed, you had not even opened it, and AND AND???????

Glad (See? I am so excited to hear, I am blushing for you!!)
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Nov 28, 2004 08:27AM Mena wrote:

Preliminary results in:

Ok, so I've had a rough week and I have been remiss in my duties to my pubic/public lol. I apologize. Here's the scoop.

I actually forgot about the box. So when I got your pm, Glad, and then saw your post, I immediately opened the box. My husband was right there, too, all hyper like a 7-year-old on Christmas morning.

We were greeted by these words:


That's what's quoted on the box for the Hitachi Magic Wand (Liza's recommendation). This thing looks mighty powerful. I didn't even open the attachments because we don't have time to play right now. But I did plug it in and massage the back of my neck with the massager and the speed set on "High". Man, what a rush! Like a martini AND a percocet. And that was just my head!

Sitting quite timidly among the sizeable Wand and its attachments in the box, was the pink Pocket Rocket. It looks so innocent and harmless. And it is when you have no batteries....duh. That's remedied easily enough.

My husband is just thrilled with all of this. He's more determined than me right now to get this hands-on investigation under way lol.

I just wanna take a nap.....

I will be reporting back in. I have no choice now. My husband's acting like he does when he gets a new power tool....gotta use it every which way, every day, oy!
Dx 8/8/2004, IDC, Stage IV, Grade 3, 1/20 nodes, mets, ER+/PR+, HER2+
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Nov 28, 2004 08:32AM Mena wrote:


My husband just walked in with batteries!

No sh*t. I couldn't make this up. Talk about blatant hints.
Dx 8/8/2004, IDC, Stage IV, Grade 3, 1/20 nodes, mets, ER+/PR+, HER2+
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Nov 28, 2004 10:49AM CasinoGirl wrote:

I just had to respond to this. Miss Mena...does this mean your "down, down, down" last couple of weeks are now reverting to "up, up, up'?

After having recently left a basically sexless marriage, I made my sister go with me to a local "adult" store Mon evening. I purchased the "Gem Jewerly Box Collection". My sister said, OMG - are you really going to buy that? She suggested my "eyes were bigger than my stomach". Turns out she was right. I'm not woman enough to handle it - YET. But I figure it's been so long... hell, I was afraid the damn thing had grown shut by now. I guess I'll just have to "work up to it" but figured I deserved a little pleasure in my life as all us gals here do.

It doesn't help that my surgeon looks like a cross between Tom Cruise and George Clooney. Each time he's given a breast exam I have to remind myself "do NOT make eye contact with this man". Sadly, it's the most action I've seen in a while.

Anyway this thread is cracking me up!

Everyone, please keep us posted on how your purchases are working out....sounds like Santa is coming early this year, along with some other folks, and dammit - we deserve it!

Take Care,
If you think you can or think you can't - you're right Dx 10/22/2004, IDC, 1cm, Stage I, Grade 2, 0/20 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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Nov 28, 2004 12:13PM richmondnan wrote:

Guys, we only needed a couple of "tryouts" w/ the pckt. rckt. and we have retired that for the old-fashioned approaches. I think I just needed a bit of a tune-up
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Nov 28, 2004 01:01PM Glad wrote:

YEAH HUBBY!! Go Mena, Go Hubby, Go Mena, Go Hubby!!!!!

The tension builds.... and releases.... and builds.... and RELEASES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEE HHHHHHAAAAAAAWWWWWW MENA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(she's gonna kill
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Nov 28, 2004 01:03PM Glad wrote:

There's a Beach Boys song running through my head... anyone want to guess????

"Good... good... GOOD... Good VIBRATIONS!!!"
Love you, Mena!!!

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Nov 29, 2004 08:44AM NPat wrote:


I wanted to post this a few days ago but we were in a rush to get OOT. There is such a double standard that women have to deal with regarding sexual dysfunction. For YEARS, I have attending seminars on male impotency and how to treat it with external pumps, implanted pumps, penile pellets, penile injections and oral mediation. These seminars were always packed! Until BC treatment kept me home, I wrote as many prescriptions for Viagra (or others) as I wrote for allergy/sinus medication!

I was looking at my Jan 2005 "Diabetes Forecast" during lunch and finally next to the "Impoaid" for men for $99.95 was the "Fem-Aid" for women at $99.95 also which is listed as a "female stimulation exercise device (clitoral". These two items are posted next to the diabetic socks and ID bracelets. Finally, female sexual dysfunction needs are getting equal billing! However, I have yet to attend an entire seminar on female sexual dysfunction (it has only been mentioned as a "by the way") and none of the programs I attended were geared to the individual who was experiencing treatment for cancer ... so we still have a way to go.

Many of us, as women, feel uncomfortable with the subject until it hits us that we fear we are turning into fem-eunuchs!!! I love my husband and I want to be as fully functional as I possibly can be. Hopefully, with what I have learned during my treatment, I can assist other women when they find they are in the same predicament. And I must admit, I need more information myself, and hopefully, will be able to attend a program devoted to female sexual dysfunction issues.

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Nov 29, 2004 09:14AM Kathy_Verett wrote:

Mena, You are a brave one for starting this thread! However, you hit a nerve if you haven't figured that out. Besides screwing up our hormones, our thoughts haven't been on sex like they were before, at least that is my situation. I think the hormones help us think about sex more often. I have consciously tried to think about erotic things more and it helps. Also, "practice makes perfect", and " if you don't use it you lose it" makes a lot of sense because frequency helps. I sometimes have to take more time than I used to, but it pays off and I have a great husband!

God bless your day!

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