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Forum: Sex & Relationship Matters —

A safe place to talk candidly about how your romantic relationships and/or your sex life has changed following your diagnosis and treatment.

Posted on: Oct 17, 2004 06:45PM - edited Feb 9, 2016 06:04PM by Moderators

Mena wrote:

Hey girls,

You know, this loss of libido thing is just unnacceptable. I was in the chat room earlier today and mentioned it and man, you should've heard how many of us are experiencing this problem. I promised the ladies I'd post my rant, so here it comes (or....doesn't ).

If bc were a man's disease, not only would there be a cure for bc by now, but certainly there'd be a plethora of non-hormonal therapies available for whatever the female version is of "erectile dysfuntion". I don't think I'm exaggerating. I'll make the damn commercials myself (no pride here lol).

Prior to the news of my recurrence/mets (August) my husband and I had a phenomenal sex life. I absofreakinlutely loved making love to my husband. (Btw, I'm 43; and as part of tx for mets, I was chemically oopherized with Zoladex and take Femara daily).

I still enjoy loving my love. Emotionally, spiritually, mentally, I do. Even physically I still like it. It's just not rockin' my world, as they say, like it used to. I miss that. And I refuse to accept this as acceptable. It is not. If the genders were reversed, this would be the first &%$#* problem they'd address! Well, ok, the second.

I know the clinical reasons for the low libido, but there's got to be something out there for us that's not contraindicated with treatment. Here's what I've tried so far: a Zen approach; a "go w/the flow" attitude; a "get started and it'll all just kick in" mindset; a "try not to think about it at all" focus; et al.

I'm interested in hearing what the rest of you have to say about this matter, and I know it is an intimate one. But we're all sisters and I do hope some of you will share your experiences and whatever help you've found for missing mojo.

Thanks for letting me vent. God Bless.


****************************Addition from February 4, 2016***********************************

Hi All,

We've gone through a lot (not all) of the pages on this topic, and tried to compile your suggestions.

Do you feel that this is a complete list of what has been discussed here? Please help us make a comprehensive list of your ideas!

Member suggestions for helping the libido:

Watch romantic movie or soft-porn on Netflix

Romantic music

Watch porn or visit short videos on Tumblr, YouTube, or other internet site

A little wine, or other substance to help relax (e.g. medical marijuana)

Sexual photos

Massage and massage oils

Literotica: Erotic/sexual stories as an alternative to images

Super sexy lingerie or fun clothing

Have partner practice foreplay and/or oral sex

Practice masturbation on a regular basis

Mindfulness, i.e. focus on what your five senses are experiencing in the moment --To keep your thoughts from dwelling on cancer and scars

Member suggestions to improve vaginal moisture:

Coconut oil works best as a moisturizer (freeze small balls to make suppositories)

Vitamin E suppositories

Almond oil

Replens long-lasting moisturizer

Luvena vaginal moisturizer

Shea butter melted into olive oil at a 2:1 ratio

Cocoa butter

Olive oil

Gynatrof gel

DHEA vaginal suppositories

Tip to use an applicator to insert moisturizers and apply a few times a week.

Member suggestion for lubrication during sexual activity:

Astroglide Natural (free from glycerin, fragrance, flavorings, and hormones)

Slippery Stuff (free from glycerin and parabens)

K-Y warming Jelly

K-Y Sensual Silk Liquid (paraben-free)

K-Y Liquibeads

K-Y UltraGel (paraben-free)

Astroglide, X (silicone-based)

Platinum Wet (silicone-based)

Replens silky smooth lubricant (silicone-based)

Sliquid natural lubricants (free from DEA, gluten, glycerine, glycerol, parabens, PEG, propylene glycol, sorbitol & sulphates)

Additional member suggestion to reduce pain:

Topical Lidocaine solution for use at the entrance of the vagina

Member suggestion for sex toys:

Vibrators (e.g. Hitachi Magic Wand, Pink Dot Vibe, Pocket Rocket, the Rabbit)

Dildos for pleasure, to stretch the entrance, prevent vaginal atrophy and strengthen muscles

Member suggestion for estrogen or hormone-based treatments

(MUST discuss first with oncologists as not typically recommended for women who have had breast cancer)

Vagifem® (estradiol vaginal tablets) inserts

Testosterone patch or gel

ESTRING® (estradiol vaginal ring)

ESTRACE® CREAM (estradiol vaginal cream)

Scream Cream - contains a combination of prescription and non-prescription components described as blood flow enhancers and vasodiolators to apply to your clitoris (adding here, as it contains a bit of Testosterone- 0.25mg per dose)

Other member suggestions:

Kegel exercises to strengthen pelvic muscles

Pelvic physical therapy

Dilators to stretch the skin in your vaginal area and re-train the pelvic floor muscles to relax

Observe which antidepressant you take, and make necessary changes

MonaLisa Touch: A minimally invasive laser treatment for vaginal rejuvenation.

Easier if she "goes first".

Regular activity is important.

Read the book, COUPLES CONFRONTING CANCER: KEEPING YOUR RELATIONSHIP STRONG, by Fincammon & Bruss, published by the American Cancer Society.

Share this thread with your husband/lover to create a new bond of intimacy, normalize what others are going through and open communication.

Take a look at this resource:

Dx 8/8/2004, IDC, Stage IV, Grade 3, 1/20 nodes, mets, ER+/PR+, HER2+
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Nov 29, 2004 10:43PM Mena wrote:

Brave? Surely you jest. Desperate is far more accurate.

I'll be back soon with full reports on my Pocket Rocket and Hitachi Magic Wand.

I did some preliminary experiments last night, but not nearly enough for full disclosure. Let's just say I giggled a lot.

Give me a little more time lmao........
Dx 8/8/2004, IDC, Stage IV, Grade 3, 1/20 nodes, mets, ER+/PR+, HER2+
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Nov 29, 2004 11:50PM CasinoGirl wrote:

Yes, I would imagine that compiling a full disclosure report from such an experiment could take QUITE a long time.
I mean you want to give an accurate account and all. So, in the name of science, carry on... or grab on, jump on, or whatever!

Take Care,
If you think you can or think you can't - you're right Dx 10/22/2004, IDC, 1cm, Stage I, Grade 2, 0/20 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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Dec 2, 2004 02:34AM connierc wrote:

Hi Sweetie!

Sorry I haven't been around -- blew up my computer and can't get into CHAT, though CAN get into the boards. Also, my COVE.COM email address is down -- the messages are there, I just cant' read them! aarrgghhh.

I'm SO HAPPY you have your new toys to experiment with. So, I will tell about the KY HEATHING GEL. First off, HE didn't even know I was using it -- that doesn't bode well. I could feel the warmth of it, as I was using my hands on him. Second, I'm still not able to have any type of touching on my yet, for whtever reason -- yeast infection or something. We tried with the KY HEATHING GEL.

oh well, another time, I guess.

But, I wanted to send along to links that might be of interest. The "catalog" is RATHER shocking, but the items are good buys. Here are two that I hae tried in the past, and would recommend.

and the one I like the best:

Hope someone will find some pleasure out of these -- and also through looking at the catalog, itself. There are a number of of wonderful items, and friends of mine SWEAR by this particular toy ...:

A NUMBER of my friednds (and my mother!) keep PLENTY of these in stock -- though the ones I've seen actually have a wire / cord attached, so they don't get ,um, lost .... LOL.

If you are the shy type, as I see many are wait until everyone is either away from home or asleep to look through this catalog. It's QUITE graphic, and be forwarned -- if you are easily offended, this will do it!

Happy hunting!

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Dec 2, 2004 02:51AM connierc wrote:

Hi Ladies,

OK, I found a few more "eggs" that DO have cords -- the cordless one sort of freaked me out. If any of you in the past had used THE SPONGE as a birth control device, you may recall how INCREDIBLY difficult it could be to remove. Well, I think the CORDLESS EGG might had the same problems.

SSSoooo...I investigated a little bit more from the "Adam & Eve" catalog online, and found these:

THIS looks to be EXTREMELY fun! Here are some more items...

This looks fun, as well. Sorry about the very crass descriptions -- guess that's just their style. Can be a bit of a turn off for folks who are shy about this, but with luck, I hope you can get past the tacky descriptions.

And lastly....

This looks like something the "guys" can have fun with, too ... hey, if it's a "car" they can "drive," we KNOW they will enjoy making you one happy woman!

Again, with love ang hugs and happy hunting,
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Dec 2, 2004 09:02AM Sierra wrote:

Goodness gracious.

I just posted re intimacy
yesterday popped in here
guess when I have some time
will check out the links

Not as brave as all of you
discussing this on line
but someone HAS TO DO IT..

P.S. You gals sound like you are younger
are you.. any people in here in their 50's

Ive been into some of the stores
and we have a few here.. but really
.. duh.. sometimes.. cant even figure
out how these things work..
How's that???

anyway must go
am coming back in here to read
later when time permits

Hormones gone.. changes a lot
off HRT.. and lubrication
shrinkage.. but
as someone said
if you dont use..
it gets worse..


Sierra )

Heck.. then they talk about
people in the nursing
homes carrying on
Do you believe this?

I am er-pr- My onc.. gave me
premarin creme to use.. SPARINGLY
Yesterday, my new GP says
no.. we dont do that..
so.. anyway.. not active
right now .. but just for info
He says they dont take any chances

I find it burned me once
when I used

anyway must be outta here
getting teeth done

Have a good day all
this topic is fun..
to be sure..


The Time is Now! Dx 1/2000, 3cm, Stage IIB, Grade 3, 1/14 nodes, ER-/PR-
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Dec 2, 2004 07:23PM Mena wrote:

Sierra, so glad to see you here. We are all ages (I'm 43 and will be 44 in February) and all stages from shy to outright brazen. All stages of bc, too, from O to mets. I'm fully menopausal due to tx, so I know all about that, too. That's why I started this thread!

For some real fun and valuable info, start from the beginning of the thread and read through.

I've still got some hands-on work to complete and reporting back here to get to, lest Glad comes in and yells at me again lol........

This thread just ain't the same without Connie. Welcome back, girl! You really spice things up. I've never seen some of this stuff! Perhaps I do need a blindfold lmao........

Someone in chat recommended it to me also. So, there's got to be something to it.(Funny, and I thought she was going to tell me to shut up lol. It wouldn't have been the first time.)

God Bless.
Dx 8/8/2004, IDC, Stage IV, Grade 3, 1/20 nodes, mets, ER+/PR+, HER2+
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Dec 2, 2004 11:24PM richmondnan wrote:

The weekend is coming--maybe some good free time for product demos?
We always find weekend time is better for mojo
HUGs! to all
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Dec 3, 2004 12:23AM Mena wrote:

Hi Nan -- Let's see -- Remember, I've got two kids. My husband works Friday night and doesn't come home until 11:45 pm Saturday night. Well, uh, AND DUH. Wait a minute! I don't even need him lol! I don't need him at all hahahahah. How freaking empowering is that thought. I have my new toys!

As for the kids, I'll just pump up the volume. That's not even strange around here.

Ok, so if you don't hear from me by Monday, don't come a knockin' lol.......

Glad will though; she'll come bustin' right in lol... Glad and Connie lmao. Connie will want to make sure I haven't handcuffed myself, while blindfolded, to the makeshift four-poster bed I'll have had to erect (yes I just had to say that) because I don't own a real one lol.

OK, Nan, now I'm starting to get psyched. All of you out there with new toys (or even toys you haven't used in a while); get them out and join me for a weekend of Mojo Get-Go.

We'll all talk next week to see how it went. If you are fortunate enough to have access to your partner you may want to include them. Then again, you may be sick of them right now and want to get away from them (speak for myself). Hey, that happens. Let's be real.

Even if you go it alone, you can get out the candles and the chocolate and even the wine, or whatever your particular poison is. (Cripes, I feel like I'm writing a bad Cosmo column lol.) I want to invite our single sisters, too! I'm going it alone this weekend. And I did so for many, many years. But I never had toys!

Ok, it's 11 pm Thursday night. The weekend officially begins in one hour for moi. I've got some prepping to do lmao...I've got to get started here. Shave the legs, paint the toenails, pluck the eyebrows...Yeah, I'm hard to impress lol...

Have fun.

God is Love and Love Never Fails.
Dx 8/8/2004, IDC, Stage IV, Grade 3, 1/20 nodes, mets, ER+/PR+, HER2+
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Dec 3, 2004 12:40AM scorpiox55 wrote:

AND, make sure the batteries are

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Dec 3, 2004 01:06AM Mena wrote:

Fresh? Why, I've had to wash their mouths out with soap several times already and it's just past midnight!

Dx 8/8/2004, IDC, Stage IV, Grade 3, 1/20 nodes, mets, ER+/PR+, HER2+
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Dec 3, 2004 10:00AM River wrote:

Greetings all,

I simply have to ask this one question ... what exactly is a "mojo"? Last time I checked, it was a type of candy that was known to stick to dental work. Hmmmm ... anyone know how the word evolved to what is being enthusiastically discussed here? I look forward to hearing a few astute and amusing responses.

TGIF and behave!
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Dec 3, 2004 10:55AM pitanga wrote:

Blues lyrics --I can think of songs by Lightnin'Hopkins and Robert Johnson-- often refer to getting the "mojo workin'", where it refers to a kind of magical or spiritual power, or life-force. I've also heard it used colloquially in the sense of sexual vitality.

Round 1-- 1999, age 39, Stage IIA. Round 2-- 2009, local recurrence and bone mets. Dx 2/5/2009, IDC, <1cm, Stage IV, Grade 2, mets, ER+/PR-, HER2-
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Dec 3, 2004 11:03AM pitanga wrote:

I did a search and it turned up an interesting page that talks about the African American uses of the term "mojo"
Round 1-- 1999, age 39, Stage IIA. Round 2-- 2009, local recurrence and bone mets. Dx 2/5/2009, IDC, <1cm, Stage IV, Grade 2, mets, ER+/PR-, HER2-
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Dec 3, 2004 12:58PM Sierra wrote:


dont you recall that song
"I've got my Mojo working"
was it James Brown who sang that
I recall dancing to it in San Fran a
great deal..

PS.. never knew that is what
MoJo meant..

The Time is Now! Dx 1/2000, 3cm, Stage IIB, Grade 3, 1/14 nodes, ER-/PR-
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Dec 3, 2004 01:38PM scorpiox55 wrote:

There is a new commercial on tv by Helzberg diamonds and they refer to the gift box as a "mojo box"!!!!! LOL!!!!! Hubby laughed and said "That's where your mojo is!" OMG!!

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Dec 3, 2004 01:40PM hooptiedoo wrote:


I am 52, so yes, there are other people here in their 50s. My libido was just fine until bc treatment, which is why I'm searching so desperately for satisfaction. I just went to the onc for my six-month checkup and then to my regular doctor. I finally worked up the courage to discuss this with him (with my husband sitting there, by the way) and he immediately consulted with the oncologist. As a result, I am now using one gram of Premarin intravaginally three days in a row, followed by a week off. My doctor said I had to make the final decision about this, as it is a quality of life issue, but added that if his wife were in the same boat and asked him for advice, he'd say "Go for it!" He said the amount of estrogen is very tiny, and I'm hoping that this jump-starts me back to my old self. I noticed amazing results after the first dose! Now I'm working up the courage to bring out the Pink Dot Vibe!!! I've had it for two weeks now and it's right on top of my dresser, but I haven't used it yet.

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Dec 3, 2004 04:18PM Mena wrote:

Hi Pitanga -- Thank you for posting that site on the origins of the word, "mojo". Very interesting!

Notice how many times sex is associated with the word...

As far as Jim Morrison, don't let anybody fool you. He knew exactly what he was singing about, anagram or not.

Actually, when I began the thread, I was not being erudite or evasive with the word. In fact, I was being rather infantile, referring to mojo as Austin Powers would lol......

Either way, it's clear what the meaning is here. And now I actually have an authentic mojo (bag o' goodies) for my hurtin' mojo lol. Although to carry this bag around with me could be embarassing (for my kids, of course lol).
Dx 8/8/2004, IDC, Stage IV, Grade 3, 1/20 nodes, mets, ER+/PR+, HER2+
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Dec 3, 2004 04:43PM richmondnan wrote:

Hey Mena,
Ok, we'll do a post-weekend poll!
Just to clarify I've got an 11 year old at home too--but he is, at least, right now pretty good about staying clueless. He's had the "talk" and we discuss this issue fairly openly w/ him (not mom and day having s*x, of course ,), but I don't think he really spends time connecting it w/ us. Of course, it does kind of restrict noise levels (and did I say that the pocket rocket is the quietest version...LOL!)

Also forgot to share that we had a very fun trip to Victoria's Secret when we were in Miami. My husband picked out some things for me. I think just the shopping itself was great for mojo; not to mention the items we purchased. One more suggestion....
Hoping for a mojo filled weekend for all
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Dec 3, 2004 04:44PM Sphynx wrote:

When something really good happens to me, I usually say "I have the mojo" and it gets a laugh. I don't think I can use that saying anymore without blushing. Hmmm, I wonder what exactly were people laughing about?

Dx 2/28/2003, Stage II, Grade 3, 1/3 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2-
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Dec 3, 2004 07:09PM Sierra wrote:

Hi Gals..
darn I lost a post again..
Hooptie ok.. so there are more fiftiers..

Here is the bookstore I want to go to
It is supposed to be lots of fun

take a peek.

they have special days for gay people
and .. oh .. different things you know

have no time now.
but good books too

Oh Goodness me.
Look at the one that
is called Come As You ARe
it says they even have washrooms
and sort of coaching available.

it is all too much!!


The Time is Now! Dx 1/2000, 3cm, Stage IIB, Grade 3, 1/14 nodes, ER-/PR-
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Dec 4, 2004 02:25AM connierc wrote:


Thank you! I have always thought of the term "mojo" as a magikal term, and usually associated with Louisana "voodoo/ hoodoo."

Course, I also knew what "mojo" meant on THIS thread, just because it made sense. As an herbalist, I have a gris-gris, which, indeed, no one touches, and I practice my 'mojo" using either hand-grown and picked herbs or spices, or purchased through speciality stores.

I also use my mojo through oils that I either make or buy, and them combine for certain purposes, such as annointing candles, cleansing rituals, house blessings, etc.

Same with incense, made with a combination of herbs and oils, which are also used for cleansing the house of bad vibrations (hee hee), blessing a new home / living space / car. I even keep a gris-gris bag under the seat of my car and under my bed.

Indeed, though, it HAS turned into a sexual conitation, 'mojo" meaning some form of sexual behaviour.

Your link was quite informative. Thank you.

Blessed be,
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Dec 4, 2004 02:28AM connierc wrote:


uuumm, another caution with the toys -- if you have cats, keep them OUT of the room! Mine have ALWAYS been attrated to either the sound of the toy, or the scents happening .. either way, having a cat jump on you while you are having a fun time can be QUITE the distraction

This, of course, is good advice for EVERYONE!

(you'd think they'd figure out how to make some of these that don't make so much NOISE! LOL)

have fun!
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Dec 4, 2004 02:38AM connierc wrote:


Having your teeth done is great! Can't wait until I can get mine worked on again! Onc. said NO until some time after rads, at least for me, so I still have to wait.

And, clean teeth are sexy teeth -- so, it IS romantic!

RE Ages: I'm almost 41. There are quite a few of us on the boards who range between 20 - 75! Many in their 50's, and have NOT explored these possibilities -- but, now you have a really GOOD excuse to try! lol

Good luck with all! And I DO hope the sites I send don't make you cringe! They are TRULY not meant for anyone under the age of 18 to be seeing -- REALLY -- so make sure no children can get into them! They'd think mom had flipped her lid -- or finally gotten really groovy!

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Dec 4, 2004 04:26AM Mena wrote:

Lol Connie:

(1) No cats, dogs, ferrets, or fish. Just a teddy bear hamster named Peanut. He can't jump, but he does a mean moonwalk.

(2) So, right in your possession you have this gris-gris that will cleanse houses of bad vibrations? And tell me why you don't bring this to Dragon's? It's a no-brainer lol.... Maybe you should slip her a Pocket Rocket lol.

Not a night for mojo. My husband got in after midnight, and we've got some talking to do first.
Dx 8/8/2004, IDC, Stage IV, Grade 3, 1/20 nodes, mets, ER+/PR+, HER2+
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Dec 4, 2004 08:26AM Glad wrote:

Dang, Mena girl, I have to tell you with all those toys and goodies you now have in your house, you are being remarkably PATIENT about using them...I think I would have jumped on them at least 20 times by now!! LOLOL

And girlfriend, I do not YELL at you, lol, I would prefer to say "lovingly encourage". tee hee hee hee

Soooooooooooo whennnnnnnnnnn areeeeeeeeee youuuuuuuuuuu goingggggggggggggg toooooooooooooo?????

I can't wait. The anticipation is killing me here.

BTW, I was telling my hubby about this thread, and he suggested all my toys could use a "tune up". He asked me to leave them out (we have no kids OR cats) and he replaced all the batteries and cleaned and polished everything. Wish I could have had a video camera set up while he was working. I have not had a chance to check his handiwork, (there Mena, now you can "yell" at me) and with friends coming to stay the weekend, looks like it will be a few days before that's going to happen. SO Mena, give me a little relief through verbiage, eh?

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Dec 4, 2004 09:08AM Sierra wrote:


Yes indeed.. I recall the onc and teeth
he was v. strict no floss no rubber tips
etc.. till finished.. and no work for sure
for a while..

so.. have to have mine cleaned johnny on spot
every 3 .. months.. hmm.. johnny on spot.
now theres an idea.. LOL..
oh.. but yes teeth are important.. and sometimes
the men.. they dont take care of them either..
most men I know of DO NOT.. so expensive..

and as for burning something in the new apt./residence
I believe that is sage.. and I always wanted to do that
but thought people might think a fire was going on here
it makes a lot of smoke.. but is supposed to be good

I go to anything leaning towards this fairs.. re
aromatherapy,, phsycics, what have you .. massage
love this type of thing.. scents are so vital
they wake us up.. but boy they are pricey.
love geranium..

how about satin sheets.. did any of you ever
have these..

Before I lived in San Fran.. I could not wait to See
Frederics of Hollywood.. finally got to see it
and ... oh.. the store then was not that great..
Any of you here.. who live in that area.. know the
North Beach has a lot of these type of stores etc.
or used to..

75 did you say?? wow.. well some ladies at that age
and older.. are very attractive... and they stay on their own too.. many widowed..

as for the toys.. well, I did take a peek


I heard on my radio some of these clubs
are now giving massages right on the beach
wow.. wouldnt that be nice.. in my dreams..

Mena.. are you okay??

The Time is Now! Dx 1/2000, 3cm, Stage IIB, Grade 3, 1/14 nodes, ER-/PR-
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Dec 4, 2004 01:32PM Mena wrote:

Glad DOES NOT yell at me.

Dx 8/8/2004, IDC, Stage IV, Grade 3, 1/20 nodes, mets, ER+/PR+, HER2+
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Dec 4, 2004 05:59PM Glad wrote:

My cute little hubby pointed out this article to me. He is of the opinion that there are other factors at work here besides the heart-health risk. He thinks there may be factions out there that think it partially "wrong" for women to have "increased desire", and it ticks him off. I just love this man!

Anyhow, for what it's worth, I do not need this patch yet, but would support the use of it for anyone who feels the need!!

Glad (Mena hon it was awesome to see you in Chat today! I can tell you I made my hubby even more giggly than he already was!!)
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Dec 5, 2004 12:54AM poonplk wrote:

Connie,Mena and Glad,

I can totally relate to the mojo thing. I have been in medical menopause for 3 years and hubby is great. He just wants me to experience pleasure. Sadly,I to fake it often just to make him happy.I can't stand the look of disappointment on his face when it doesn't happen for me.

Tried lots of toys and lubricants and even movies to see if they put me in the mood...Nada...It's so depressing..I am only 35..I am in my prime.....

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Dec 5, 2004 03:24AM Mena wrote:

Oh Poony Tune -- You made it here! Things will improve. You'll see. Go back to the very beginning and read. Try what you want. I'm doing things I've never done -- as long as it doesn't creep me out or gross me out.

There are so many replies in these pages that really help. Certainly Incognito has some unabashed sound advice. I really wish I could shake her hand. I'm joking, of course.

I just have to get into that habit regularly so I can access the mood. It's just not there. Believe me, I never, ever wanted to be one of those women who just "tolerated" sex. Until September, I had a (male) teenager's sexual appetite and a lifetime physical peak going on. I can't take this laying down lol.

Poon, can you really fake an orgasm? I can't. I can't really replicate it at all. He would know. Isn't it better to just let them wonder? Or must we stroke their egos, too?
Dx 8/8/2004, IDC, Stage IV, Grade 3, 1/20 nodes, mets, ER+/PR+, HER2+

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