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Forum: Sex & Relationship Matters —

A safe place to talk candidly about how your romantic relationships and/or your sex life has changed following your diagnosis and treatment.

Posted on: Oct 17, 2004 09:45AM - edited Feb 9, 2016 10:04AM by Moderators

Mena wrote:

Hey girls,

You know, this loss of libido thing is just unnacceptable. I was in the chat room earlier today and mentioned it and man, you should've heard how many of us are experiencing this problem. I promised the ladies I'd post my rant, so here it comes (or....doesn't ).

If bc were a man's disease, not only would there be a cure for bc by now, but certainly there'd be a plethora of non-hormonal therapies available for whatever the female version is of "erectile dysfuntion". I don't think I'm exaggerating. I'll make the damn commercials myself (no pride here lol).

Prior to the news of my recurrence/mets (August) my husband and I had a phenomenal sex life. I absofreakinlutely loved making love to my husband. (Btw, I'm 43; and as part of tx for mets, I was chemically oopherized with Zoladex and take Femara daily).

I still enjoy loving my love. Emotionally, spiritually, mentally, I do. Even physically I still like it. It's just not rockin' my world, as they say, like it used to. I miss that. And I refuse to accept this as acceptable. It is not. If the genders were reversed, this would be the first &%$#* problem they'd address! Well, ok, the second.

I know the clinical reasons for the low libido, but there's got to be something out there for us that's not contraindicated with treatment. Here's what I've tried so far: a Zen approach; a "go w/the flow" attitude; a "get started and it'll all just kick in" mindset; a "try not to think about it at all" focus; et al.

I'm interested in hearing what the rest of you have to say about this matter, and I know it is an intimate one. But we're all sisters and I do hope some of you will share your experiences and whatever help you've found for missing mojo.

Thanks for letting me vent. God Bless.


****************************Addition from February 4, 2016***********************************

Hi All,

We've gone through a lot (not all) of the pages on this topic, and tried to compile your suggestions.

Do you feel that this is a complete list of what has been discussed here? Please help us make a comprehensive list of your ideas!

Member suggestions for helping the libido:

Watch romantic movie or soft-porn on Netflix

Romantic music

Watch porn or visit short videos on Tumblr, YouTube, or other internet site

A little wine, or other substance to help relax (e.g. medical marijuana)

Sexual photos

Massage and massage oils

Literotica: Erotic/sexual stories as an alternative to images

Super sexy lingerie or fun clothing

Have partner practice foreplay and/or oral sex

Practice masturbation on a regular basis

Mindfulness, i.e. focus on what your five senses are experiencing in the moment --To keep your thoughts from dwelling on cancer and scars

Member suggestions to improve vaginal moisture:

Coconut oil works best as a moisturizer (freeze small balls to make suppositories)

Vitamin E suppositories

Almond oil

Replens long-lasting moisturizer

Luvena vaginal moisturizer

Shea butter melted into olive oil at a 2:1 ratio

Cocoa butter

Olive oil

Gynatrof gel

DHEA vaginal suppositories

Tip to use an applicator to insert moisturizers and apply a few times a week.

Member suggestion for lubrication during sexual activity:

Astroglide Natural (free from glycerin, fragrance, flavorings, and hormones)

Slippery Stuff (free from glycerin and parabens)

K-Y warming Jelly

K-Y Sensual Silk Liquid (paraben-free)

K-Y Liquibeads

K-Y UltraGel (paraben-free)

Astroglide, X (silicone-based)

Platinum Wet (silicone-based)

Replens silky smooth lubricant (silicone-based)

Sliquid natural lubricants (free from DEA, gluten, glycerine, glycerol, parabens, PEG, propylene glycol, sorbitol & sulphates)

Additional member suggestion to reduce pain:

Topical Lidocaine solution for use at the entrance of the vagina

Member suggestion for sex toys:

Vibrators (e.g. Hitachi Magic Wand, Pink Dot Vibe, Pocket Rocket, the Rabbit)

Dildos for pleasure, to stretch the entrance, prevent vaginal atrophy and strengthen muscles

Member suggestion for estrogen or hormone-based treatments

(MUST discuss first with oncologists as not typically recommended for women who have had breast cancer)

Vagifem® (estradiol vaginal tablets) inserts

Testosterone patch or gel

ESTRING® (estradiol vaginal ring)

ESTRACE® CREAM (estradiol vaginal cream)

Scream Cream - contains a combination of prescription and non-prescription components described as blood flow enhancers and vasodiolators to apply to your clitoris (adding here, as it contains a bit of Testosterone- 0.25mg per dose)

Other member suggestions:

Kegel exercises to strengthen pelvic muscles

Pelvic physical therapy

Dilators to stretch the skin in your vaginal area and re-train the pelvic floor muscles to relax

Observe which antidepressant you take, and make necessary changes

MonaLisa Touch: A minimally invasive laser treatment for vaginal rejuvenation.

Easier if she "goes first".

Regular activity is important.

Read the book, COUPLES CONFRONTING CANCER: KEEPING YOUR RELATIONSHIP STRONG, by Fincammon & Bruss, published by the American Cancer Society.

Share this thread with your husband/lover to create a new bond of intimacy, normalize what others are going through and open communication.

Take a look at this resource:

Dx 8/8/2004, IDC, Stage IV, Grade 3, 1/20 nodes, mets, ER+/PR+, HER2+
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Page 7 of 144 (4,308 results)

Posts 181 - 210 (4,308 total)

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Dec 18, 2004 04:10AM NPat wrote:


I don't visit this thread for a while and miss all the fun!!! I thought the site was very funny and SO right on the money... spot... uh, whatever!!!

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Dec 18, 2004 08:09AM Glad wrote:

bbbbbbbbzzzzzzzzzzzzz Mena Go Go Mena Go!!!!!!!

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Dec 18, 2004 08:18AM Glad wrote:

Thanks for the compliments, Mena and Liz, and I know you are TOO KIND! LOL!

Liz, I could not get your link to work,so I looked up the Magic Wand on my favorite discreet site, and OMG!!! Mena, you have one of THOSE??? Yee HAW, girlfriend, even I would be a little nervous to try that amazing tool... but I admit I got a little excited reading about it, so I am guessing when my hubby asks me what I want for my birthday, I have a ready answer! And the old 50th is just a few weeks away so YEE HAW!!

Mena when are we getting a "consumer report" from you on the Wand? Is it Magic like they say? Take some Advil and go give it a try!!

OMG, I just found a great site called "A Woman's Touch" created by two women, a doc and a social worker. CHeck it, and apologies to anyone who has already posted this and I spaced it...

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Dec 18, 2004 10:15AM Mena wrote:


Ok I don't know exactly what cosmic wonders have befallen me, but IT'S BAAAACK! MY MISSING MOJO!!! Maybe not permanently, but at least enough today for twice before noon. We're both still basking. And I just woke up from a nap lol.

Liza, that Hitachi is some magic wand, allright! To the moon and back, baby! My husband joined me for this initial experience, but I can totally see how his presence is not necessary in the future hahahahaha. No Advil required, Glad. Just be there lol.

So, are far as consumer reports, FIVE STARS (outta five) for the Hitachi Magic Wand! It puts the O in OMG lol.

Glad: here's where you go: Do it again, do it again, we liked it, we liked it! lol.....Yeah, I was a cheerleader. Very overrated.
Dx 8/8/2004, IDC, Stage IV, Grade 3, 1/20 nodes, mets, ER+/PR+, HER2+
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Dec 18, 2004 10:32AM richmondnan wrote:

Woohoo Mena, you go girl!!!
I told you that the magic would come back!!!
We spent the day here decorating for Christmas, me trying not to lean over b/c my ps gave me strict instructions LOL not to do so (had my nipple/aureola surgery on Thursday).
Well...I kind of followed the advice. Not much room for mojo for me w/ the very cute bandages I've got on!!!!!!!
So I'm going to live vicariously w/ you guys! Way to go!!!!!!!
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Dec 18, 2004 11:05AM SpanArtist wrote:

YAY, Mena!!! Trip the light FANTASTIC, girl!!! I'm SO HAPPY for you that the "BIG GUN" worked!!! GOOD FOR YOU! GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(And from my experience, it's NOT a one-time fluke! It's VERY dependable!!! In fact, that's the next report we want from it reliable??? We'll be waiting for installment #2...)
Dx 10/28/2004, IDC, <1cm, Stage I, Grade 3, 0/4 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2+
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Dec 19, 2004 01:59AM Glad wrote:

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!!!! (my palms are sweaty LOL)

I just casually strolled into my hubbie's office and said "Hey I think I found us a new toy" and his little head whips around, his eyes light up, and he jumps up, grabs his wallett and says, "Here, take my credit card!!" all excited... THEN he remembers to ask me how much it is, LOL. Priorities, you know!!

I commented on how excited he was about it, and he just laughed. I told him I got the idea from Liza and Mena and the Mojo Board, and I am guessing eventually he will come take a look at my inspiration here, lol.

This is the CUTEST little gift set, and the price with shipping was just over $60 for all 3 pieces.

You can still get it on time for Christmas if you order today or tomorrow!

See what consumer reports can do for sales? I am guessing there is going to be a veritable jump in sales for this product just at year end. Won't they be happy? Mena, they should make you the head of their marketing division!

Glad (checking the mail every day now. Gives new meaning to "Santa Claus is coming to town") LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
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Dec 19, 2004 07:37AM Kathy_Verett wrote:

OK I've got to plug the mattress we have. A friend of a friend had bc and recon. about 8 years ago. She couldn't get comfortable to sleep, so her doc recommended a Tempurpedic mattress. She got one and my friend got one, too. My husband was having hip pain that kept him from sleeping about 2 years ago, so we got one. It is great! You need a really comfortable place for the "come stupor". Ha!

God bless your day!
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Dec 19, 2004 08:50AM Glad wrote:

LOL, Kathy, I like that, and with me, it is completely a "stupor", lolol. My husband has recently been talking about the Temperpedic, so I am happy to read your recommendation.
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Dec 19, 2004 12:21PM Mena wrote:

OK ladies -- Now I'm trying to talk my husband into this Tempurpedic mattress.

HOWEVER, Kathy, he's says the "stupor" and I quote, "would be fantabulous on jagged rocks....". So girls, he (me too) wants details on this mattress! Is this the one that folds up like an accordion or what?

Does it vibrate and come with attachments lololololo?

Hey Glad, great link you posted. I hope you (and many others who visit here) ordered the "wand" . Tell hubby this IS a priority.

Nan, congrats on the new nips! BEHAVE (for just a lil longer)...

Liza, how do we repay you for bringing this literal "magic" into our lives?
Dx 8/8/2004, IDC, Stage IV, Grade 3, 1/20 nodes, mets, ER+/PR+, HER2+
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Dec 19, 2004 03:16PM SillyMama wrote:

Loved that description -- The "Mojo" board!

made me laugh!
:-D My human kid is cute, too! Dx 6/2004, IDC, 0/7 nodes, ER+
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Dec 19, 2004 03:57PM Kathy_Verett wrote:

I ordered it online and it was delivered to our house. They will deliver to your door, literally, or come in your house and set up the bed for you. We got the door delivery and put the mattress on our current box spring. You don't have to have a special box spring, just a good sturdy one. The Tempurpedic mattress is a foam and it is heavy. I have flannel sheets on ours now and it is heaven!

God bless your day!
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Dec 20, 2004 05:41AM incognito wrote:

Gee, looking back and comparing what I posted, it seems pretty tame. Thanks for all the 'equipment' suggestions, ladies. Fantastic! Mojo in overdrive!

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Dec 20, 2004 04:44PM iodine wrote:

That looks like the one I've been using for years! Hey, glad you found it and I wish you all well with it! Not sure I'd have the guts for the attachments, tho! LOL

Dotti---BE NOT AFRAID, Pope John Paul
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Dec 21, 2004 07:59PM connierc wrote:

OMG -- THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That was WONDERFUL, and HARDLY offensive! MUST show my husband this one! ROFLMAO with tears streaming down my face....

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Dec 21, 2004 08:30PM connierc wrote:


Yup, you sure did fall asleep on me! Well, not ON me, as we're a bit too far apart, but here I was, baring my soul to you ... and for a while you were saying, "yup,' "uh, huh,'and then I kept talking and asked you a question....

Dead silence.

"Mena?" "Helllllooooo?" "you there???' 'I don't believe this, she fell asleep with the phone in her hand....."


It's OK, I still love you! I'm just trying to think of some way to get you back! hee hee (kiss/hug!)

AM sorry I messed up your "date" though -- didn't mean to do THAT at all! YOu REALLY should have told me,"Hey, get off the phone, I"m in a Mojo Kind of Mood..." hee hee

BTW -- am NOT ignoring you, if you've been trying to email me ... have no officially FRIED this computer, no hotmail, no MSN IM, but, oddly, CAN get into CHAT and the BOARDS.

Go figure.

Will be setting up new puter VERY SOON, so I can get back onto MSN IM ...

love you,

PS -- oh, and I REALLY hope your arm didn't hurt TOO badly when you woke up! hee hee
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Dec 23, 2004 09:08PM Glad wrote:

OK, got my "package" yesterday, and opened it, looked at it, plugged it in, and then put it back in the box for tryout later today. LOL. Suffering "rads fatigue", and just could not get into Mojo mood. I think my hubby was a little dissapointed, poor guy, after all, it was his investment. I did press it against his back and he loved the feeling. I am thinking it will be a multi-use tool. I was a little concerned about all the cautions in the instruction book saying not to use it on "wet surfaces" or in bed... ????? Oh well, we are ALL rule breakers here, aren't we?

OK, so even though I was awake at 3am, I am still determined to do a consumer report later, so I will let you know how Magic this Wand is. I trust Mena implicitely, so am certain I will also have a favorable report.

bbbbbbbzzzzzzzzzzzz INTENSELY.......
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Dec 24, 2004 03:09AM Mena wrote:


There were instructions???

It all looked pretty self explanatory to me lmao........

Hey Glad: You Can Do It If You Try!!!
V - I - C - T - O - R - Y

PS: Put the KY or other lube on the attachments if you use them... .
Dx 8/8/2004, IDC, Stage IV, Grade 3, 1/20 nodes, mets, ER+/PR+, HER2+
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Dec 26, 2004 12:10PM Glad wrote:

CONSUMER REPORT- Hitachi Magic Wand

WOW... powerful piece of equipment, YIKES... a bit more vibe than I am comfortable with, but definitely a "multi-use tool". It really works great for ALL tight muscles, not just the ones we chat about here, LOL. Mena, great advice about lubing up the attachments. They are a bit tacky, touch-wise, and need lubing for real.

I did enjoy my first run, and so did my hubby. However, my favorite handheld is still my Carribean baby...check it out if you wish. My pretty purple guy does the trick for me, and is less than half the price of the Wand.

I think I am a little too sensitive for the Wand's powerful vibes, even on low. But I do recommend it for anyone who can take the power!! Also, it is very soothing, like I said before. My hubby wanted me to use it on his back today. It is definitely worth the investment! Enjoy!

Mena, are you still using the power of Magic?

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Jan 5, 2005 08:07AM Kathy_Verett wrote:

I'm just posting to get this back on top of the heap! It is too good to get lost.

God bless your day!
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Jan 5, 2005 08:08AM WendiLou wrote:

Just bringing this back up for Matt's Mom
Hope it works
Dx'd 3/03 age 34, IDC stage IIb/IIIa. 7 areas cancer L breast. 3 found by tests(MRI) before mast rest at path. 5/14 + nodes, ER/PR+ Her2- grade 3
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Jan 6, 2005 12:23AM Sphynx wrote:

Here's a mojo joke for you...

Subject: The Chicken or the Egg

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!
Dx 2/28/2003, Stage II, Grade 3, 1/3 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2-
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Jan 6, 2005 05:41AM Mena wrote:

Hahahaha, cute Sphynx. Next time someone brings up that philosophical debate, I'll have something uniquely mojo to add hahahahah.

OMG you guys won't believe this. I just hung up the phone; was talking to a friend from town -- well melting down over my constant and recently more furious battle with the school district that continues to fail to educate my learning disabled daughter.

Anyway, Donna says to me, "You need a good vibrator" hahahahahaha OMG, you can imagine my reply!!! Needless to say she was online while still on the phone searching for the Hitachi Magic Wand hahahahaha.

The first site at which she found OF STOCK hahahahahaha. I told her that's because we've all been buying it! Yes, I told her about the thread; she can't wait to read it hahahahaha.

So, she sees the picture of the Wand and says, "Holy Sh*&!" I told her not to get intimidated as Liza said from day one, because " control it...." She's all excited. She's bringing her daughter over tomorrow for a playdate with my Dawn and can't wait to take a look at my "Magic".

No, Donna doesn't have bc, but she's got all other kinds of stress and is a good friend, and gee, I feel the universe just puts us in the right place and the right time. I mean, who better to recommend vibrators hahahahaha....

Just wanted to share this much needed little joy with you, my buddies.

Dx 8/8/2004, IDC, Stage IV, Grade 3, 1/20 nodes, mets, ER+/PR+, HER2+
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Jan 6, 2005 05:46AM hooptiedoo wrote:

It's been a while since I've posted in this thread, but I did promise to report back, so here I am. Like Mena, I, too, have found my missing mojo!!! Once over the past weekend with my husband and by myself (blush, blush) a few nights later with the Pink Dot Vibe. These were the first orgasms I have had in 1 1/2 YEARS and they were just as wonderful as those I've experienced in the past. It's amazing how much better I feel. I'm no longer so fatigued, my spirits have lifted dramatically and my joints don't hurt nearly as much. I honestly believe a lot of my complaints were the result of sexual frustration! Best of all, my desire is back. For more than a year, I not only had no desire, I had no feeling down there. NOTHING felt good. Please note, it took some planning and work to get to this point. It did NOT happen overnight. My doctors collaborated to get my juices flowing again <g>, my husband helped out in ways I won't mention <g>, and I practiced a LOT with the Pink Dot Vibe <g> (I'm grinning a LOT this week) before anything happened. I am a true believer in the use-it-or-lose-it school of thought. Practice makes perfect, so those of you who are still searching for your mojo, take heart -- it can happen!

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Jan 6, 2005 02:40PM richmondnan wrote:

What a wonderful post. I really do believe you are right. We are all born with a need for loving touch. Even my pets need this!
I have a theory that those of us that go thru this freakin' disease (or any cancer or continuing disease) get so much poking and prodding and what I call "negative" touch--that we need to compensate all the more with something positive. I think it is part of the healing process. (Plus, it is fun! )

If you want a "mental" boost, I encourage you to check out the book, "Your Long Romantic Weekend". I mentioned this a while ago on this thread; it is a truly wonderful book for folks that want to revive, reignite, take to another level their sexual relationship with their spouse. It is not prurient, but it is blunt, and, I think, really quite lovely. My husband and I read it and did most of the exercises (these are fun, y'all! ) when we had our long weekend in Miami. We've been married quite a while, and have always been mojo-compatible, but this has taken us to a different (good) place.

Happy Mojo, y'all rev those motors the weekend is comin'
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Jan 8, 2005 01:22AM Mena wrote:

Hey Hooptie -- I told you a long time ago that with a name like "Hooptie," you seemed a natural for "wooptie".....wooo hoooo for you!

What? No details? Sure, make me look like the thread slut hahahahahaha.

Seriously, I'm just curious as to what the docs had to offer...

I'm so happy for you! Keep smiling, Hooptie.
Dx 8/8/2004, IDC, Stage IV, Grade 3, 1/20 nodes, mets, ER+/PR+, HER2+
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Jan 9, 2005 07:36AM Claiire wrote:

Here! I'll help out with being the tread slut!

I still have my port in place. It has in some strange ways become a security blanket thing for me. Most of the time I really don't pay much attention to it being there. UNTIL last night. My SO sat on it... just use your imaginations there...

Also, we went to a toy store. That was fun! I looked and I giggled a lot. We got a raspberry flavored lube and a mint flavored lube. Neither of us liked the mint one. We also got the Kama Sutra Mini massage kit. The vanilla creme and the raspberry creme were great! We bought a bath sponge that vibrates! Haven't tried it yet, but for mojo or not mojo, it has to be great in the tub...

We did learn one thing... a lot of the toy stores have mark down bins just like regular stores.

For those of you in the Houston area. The store we went to was very non-threatning. It is a new place on Westheimer and Dairy Ashford. You can't miss it. It has lingerie in the window and pink neon lights.

I just love Saturday nights!
Dx 10/3/2002, LCIS, 6cm+, Stage IIIB, 0/9 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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Jan 9, 2005 10:47AM Glad wrote:

Good for you, Claire!! Shop till you drop, dear!! Wait, don't drop, save some energy for later!!

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Jan 10, 2005 09:45AM hooptiedoo wrote:

It wasn't just the poking and prodding that had me down, it was also my own self image. I had never given much attention to my appearance and was by no means vain, but when I lost a breast, my hair, my eyebrows, my eyelashes and gained about 20 pounds, I felt really ugly. No one acted like I was, it was my own perception. Also, I just think the body needs time to fight back against the treatment (and the disease itself) without any distractions, and that includes sex. Once the need to fight so hard diminishes, the perks come back!

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Jan 10, 2005 10:59AM Anonymous wrote:

Is testosterone in any form an option for women with er and pr + bc? Just curious. Thanks for the help

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