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Forum: Sex & Relationship Matters —

A safe place to talk candidly about how your romantic relationships and/or your sex life has changed following your diagnosis and treatment.

Posted on: Oct 17, 2004 06:45PM - edited Feb 9, 2016 06:04PM by Moderators

Mena wrote:

Hey girls,

You know, this loss of libido thing is just unnacceptable. I was in the chat room earlier today and mentioned it and man, you should've heard how many of us are experiencing this problem. I promised the ladies I'd post my rant, so here it comes (or....doesn't ).

If bc were a man's disease, not only would there be a cure for bc by now, but certainly there'd be a plethora of non-hormonal therapies available for whatever the female version is of "erectile dysfuntion". I don't think I'm exaggerating. I'll make the damn commercials myself (no pride here lol).

Prior to the news of my recurrence/mets (August) my husband and I had a phenomenal sex life. I absofreakinlutely loved making love to my husband. (Btw, I'm 43; and as part of tx for mets, I was chemically oopherized with Zoladex and take Femara daily).

I still enjoy loving my love. Emotionally, spiritually, mentally, I do. Even physically I still like it. It's just not rockin' my world, as they say, like it used to. I miss that. And I refuse to accept this as acceptable. It is not. If the genders were reversed, this would be the first &%$#* problem they'd address! Well, ok, the second.

I know the clinical reasons for the low libido, but there's got to be something out there for us that's not contraindicated with treatment. Here's what I've tried so far: a Zen approach; a "go w/the flow" attitude; a "get started and it'll all just kick in" mindset; a "try not to think about it at all" focus; et al.

I'm interested in hearing what the rest of you have to say about this matter, and I know it is an intimate one. But we're all sisters and I do hope some of you will share your experiences and whatever help you've found for missing mojo.

Thanks for letting me vent. God Bless.


****************************Addition from February 4, 2016***********************************

Hi All,

We've gone through a lot (not all) of the pages on this topic, and tried to compile your suggestions.

Do you feel that this is a complete list of what has been discussed here? Please help us make a comprehensive list of your ideas!

Member suggestions for helping the libido:

Watch romantic movie or soft-porn on Netflix

Romantic music

Watch porn or visit short videos on Tumblr, YouTube, or other internet site

A little wine, or other substance to help relax (e.g. medical marijuana)

Sexual photos

Massage and massage oils

Literotica: Erotic/sexual stories as an alternative to images

Super sexy lingerie or fun clothing

Have partner practice foreplay and/or oral sex

Practice masturbation on a regular basis

Mindfulness, i.e. focus on what your five senses are experiencing in the moment --To keep your thoughts from dwelling on cancer and scars

Member suggestions to improve vaginal moisture:

Coconut oil works best as a moisturizer (freeze small balls to make suppositories)

Vitamin E suppositories

Almond oil

Replens long-lasting moisturizer

Luvena vaginal moisturizer

Shea butter melted into olive oil at a 2:1 ratio

Cocoa butter

Olive oil

Gynatrof gel

DHEA vaginal suppositories

Tip to use an applicator to insert moisturizers and apply a few times a week.

Member suggestion for lubrication during sexual activity:

Astroglide Natural (free from glycerin, fragrance, flavorings, and hormones)

Slippery Stuff (free from glycerin and parabens)

K-Y warming Jelly

K-Y Sensual Silk Liquid (paraben-free)

K-Y Liquibeads

K-Y UltraGel (paraben-free)

Astroglide, X (silicone-based)

Platinum Wet (silicone-based)

Replens silky smooth lubricant (silicone-based)

Sliquid natural lubricants (free from DEA, gluten, glycerine, glycerol, parabens, PEG, propylene glycol, sorbitol & sulphates)

Additional member suggestion to reduce pain:

Topical Lidocaine solution for use at the entrance of the vagina

Member suggestion for sex toys:

Vibrators (e.g. Hitachi Magic Wand, Pink Dot Vibe, Pocket Rocket, the Rabbit)

Dildos for pleasure, to stretch the entrance, prevent vaginal atrophy and strengthen muscles

Member suggestion for estrogen or hormone-based treatments

(MUST discuss first with oncologists as not typically recommended for women who have had breast cancer)

Vagifem® (estradiol vaginal tablets) inserts

Testosterone patch or gel

ESTRING® (estradiol vaginal ring)

ESTRACE® CREAM (estradiol vaginal cream)

Scream Cream - contains a combination of prescription and non-prescription components described as blood flow enhancers and vasodiolators to apply to your clitoris (adding here, as it contains a bit of Testosterone- 0.25mg per dose)

Other member suggestions:

Kegel exercises to strengthen pelvic muscles

Pelvic physical therapy

Dilators to stretch the skin in your vaginal area and re-train the pelvic floor muscles to relax

Observe which antidepressant you take, and make necessary changes

MonaLisa Touch: A minimally invasive laser treatment for vaginal rejuvenation.

Easier if she "goes first".

Regular activity is important.

Read the book, COUPLES CONFRONTING CANCER: KEEPING YOUR RELATIONSHIP STRONG, by Fincammon & Bruss, published by the American Cancer Society.

Share this thread with your husband/lover to create a new bond of intimacy, normalize what others are going through and open communication.

Take a look at this resource:

Dx 8/8/2004, IDC, Stage IV, Grade 3, 1/20 nodes, mets, ER+/PR+, HER2+
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Jan 26, 2005 01:09AM Claiire wrote:

What do you do when you start thinking like a man... sex sex sex sex...

The poor guy I am seeing is complaining he isn't getting much sleep when we are together.

He is very understanding about lube etc... I don't even think he knows that sometimes I need it... we just use it because it is fun to play with too!

I think my mojo is out of control! He wanted to go bowling last Thursday night. I had a meeting. The meeting was going to be over very late so bowling wasn't an option. I ran the meeting, got it over by 8:00 and called and asked if he wanted to do anything... He said by the time I got to his place it would be to late for bowling... I said "ok, I can just go home then" that it was up to him... he said "why is it up to me?" then I said "ok, I'm on my way over..." Ladies... it was a pure and simple booty call!

Friday night he came over to play cards with some friends... we didn't sleep at all..

Saturday he had to go to the airport to pick up his roomate... I skipped out on a movie night with the girls to go play monopoly for 4 hours to keep him awake. (his roomate was coming in from Newark, plane delayed for 9 hours) I wanted sex... he said "No sex... He was worn out..." He's also 11 years younger than I am!

I think I am out of control. I don't think I was like this before BC! I know I wasn't like this before BC!
Dx 10/3/2002, LCIS, 6cm+, Stage IIIB, 0/9 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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Jan 26, 2005 05:45PM Ltb3105 wrote:

Holy shit, Claiire, whatever it is you've got, rub some off on ME!!!! I need a good kick in the ass...I am NOT in the mood EVER.

Laura Dx 7/1/2002, IDC, 1cm, Stage I, 0/0 nodes, HER2-
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Feb 1, 2005 01:34PM Claiire wrote:

Ladies... never brag about how great your mojo life is... the minute you do... he is tired, doesn't feel well, just wants to watch tv and go to sleep...
Dx 10/3/2002, LCIS, 6cm+, Stage IIIB, 0/9 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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Feb 3, 2005 04:12PM scorpiox55 wrote:

Well, for me mojo is on the back burner...(big surprise) lol I would just like some sleep! My hubby snores like a drives me nutz! JoAnne

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Feb 10, 2005 09:21PM kaymix wrote:

Could someone tell me if the use of this gel is considered safe by oncologists for someone who has had ER+ IDC (ER+ with no positive lymph nodes, radiation, no chemo)? I would like to try it. I am taking Arimidex and after 4 months have recently noticed a very alarming drop in my ability to have orgasms! I am 64 and have had a wonderful relationship with my partner of the last six years; I am not willing to give this up! Thanks so much. Kay
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Feb 11, 2005 12:51PM Claiire wrote:

Ok Ladies it is Valentine's Weekend... That artificial holiday for love and lust... lets hear some reports!!!

Dx 10/3/2002, LCIS, 6cm+, Stage IIIB, 0/9 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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Feb 11, 2005 02:32PM hooptiedoo wrote:

Kay, as far as I know Vigel has no hormones in it, but you can ask your oncologist to make sure. I too had ER+ IDC with no positive lymph nodes, and was having problems with severe vaginal dryness which ended my sex life. I was miserable. My gynecologist and oncologist did a conference call and decided to put me on a very low dose of estrogen cream, taken intravaginally. I don't take the usual dose and use it for three days, then one week off, so I am getting only a very tiny amount of estrogen. But it has helped immensely! My doctor said it was a quality of life issue and I had to make the final decision, but if his wife was in the same position as me and came to him with this problem, he would not hesitate to prescribe the treatment for her.

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Feb 11, 2005 03:18PM Mena wrote:

Hi Kay...Vigel is for everyone, there are no hormonal contraindications...It's a non-prescription gel (not lubricant, remember) that you apply directly to your clitoral area. It contains L-Arginine, an amino acid, which increases feminine arousal by promoting clitoral enhances libido and stimulates orgasmic pleasure....The L-Arginine causes the production of Nitric Oxide, which in turn improves sensitivity as well as frequency of orgasm.

Vigel is for all women....those with loss of desire or who want to be multi-orgasmic (someday)...You can go to for more info.

It doesn't work for everyone, but I like it...I start using it about 10 minutes before "the big show"...

For lubrication, I use KY Warming Liquid and Replens...

For fun, I have the Hitachi Magic Wand, which NEVER disappoints...

OK buddies, my birthday is actually on Valentine's Day and my husband has some secret plans...taking me somewhere (?) Sunday - Monday; has plans for the kids and all.....hmmmmmm. This should be interesting to say the least. We've never gone anywhere alone! I hope to have something really cool to post after the weekend hahahaha.

Allright, I still have this extra, never-opened Vigel if anyone wants to try it...just pm me...(I keep it in stock for those of you who want it but can't find it or are too embarassed to ask...obviously I have no pride hahahaha).

Happy Valentine's Day....Let your Love Shine!
Dx 8/8/2004, IDC, Stage IV, Grade 3, 1/20 nodes, mets, ER+/PR+, HER2+
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Feb 12, 2005 03:22AM richmondnan wrote:

so glad your husband thought of the trip away. I highly recommend the getaway as a mojo enhancer!
Hoping you have a very loving, fun, and mojo-filled Valentine's Day & Birthday!
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Feb 12, 2005 08:17AM Carol2156 wrote:

OK - I have my MOJO but wish my husband did. I think my he has come near me only 3 times since diagnosis last July. Twice before treatment (after surgery) and once about a month ago. (not that I'm keeping track!) He claims "things" for him don't work the same anymore - before dx our sex life was not very active either but it's hard not to feel that if I didn't have scars on my breast, lost weight, had some more hair on my head etc. that things might be different. Anyway when I hint to him there other activities we can do it doesn't seem to sink in. He is otherwise a caring, hard working man who came with me to every chemo, cleaned, cooked, and shopped for us during this whole ordeal. He is 53. I realize I can't have everything but once a month would even be nice!!

Sorry to whine...Guess its time for me to shop for some of those magic wands!

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Feb 12, 2005 06:39PM richmondnan wrote:

I'm wondering if maybe your husband might need to consult w/ his dr? Sometimes at this age there are hormonal shifts for men too, that can affect libido.
I'm a big proponent of "sexy lingerie" to jumpstart things..guys are so visual.
Hoping you can get both of your clicking along!
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Feb 13, 2005 08:21PM Carol2156 wrote:

He is under a doctor's care. He gave him a testosterone wipe to use everyday to help his libido. Also those little blue pills! They are checking everything out! I am working on convincing him there are lots of other ways to be intimate than that! He was never an overly sexual person but I find it ironic that everyone here complains how much their husbands want it and here its just the opposite!!

He has a stressful job that he is retiring from in May so that may help too! There are still more things to try and we will!

Thanks for the suggestions!
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Feb 13, 2005 08:39PM richmondnan wrote:

Hoping things work themselves out for you both might find in a few months that your can't keep up when it all kicks in! A nice "problem" to anticipate!
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Feb 14, 2005 11:02PM Mena wrote:

Bumping us up for a friend on Valentine's Day.....

Dx 8/8/2004, IDC, Stage IV, Grade 3, 1/20 nodes, mets, ER+/PR+, HER2+
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Feb 15, 2005 01:59AM SpanArtist wrote:

Hi Laura,
Forgive me if I've already told you about this (can't remember if I did or not...chemo brain!), but I'm on a fairly new anti-depressant with no sexual side efects and it helps me. Here's the web has a section for health care professionals too, in case you want to show it to your doc:

Hope the info's helpful.
Hugs, Liza
Dx 10/28/2004, IDC, <1cm, Stage I, Grade 3, 0/4 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2+
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Feb 16, 2005 01:53AM Suka wrote:

Wow.............this is the first time I have read all about this MOJO guys are a hoot....I just ordered the catalog! I have a question that I did not see brought up here unless I missed it. My main avenue to orgasm was through my nipples and now I have none......has anyone else decided this is a problem? My hubby and I were both big into the breast part of sex and now we are kinda lost and in mourning. He is cool with it but I am not......sure miss those damn nipples! I loved reading this thread...made me realize how wonderful it can be when people really share the real stuff. Thanks ladies!

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Feb 16, 2005 11:13AM Claiire wrote:

What about neck and earlobes? I can have as much of an O from those as I can my nipples.
Dx 10/3/2002, LCIS, 6cm+, Stage IIIB, 0/9 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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Feb 17, 2005 01:04AM bethd wrote:

Hey gals. Lots of great tips here! I should have been here months ago. Thank goodness hubby is patient. I wondered about using estring. I am ER+ but had a kinda later stage diagnosis (but not met). I'm on Arimidex and Zoladex so wondered if those would interfere with estring. Any estring experts out there?

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Feb 17, 2005 01:37AM Mena wrote:

Hi Beth....thanks for dropping in....I've got mets, am ER+, on Femara (menopausal via Zoladex, not nature) and cannot have any hormone in any form right now. Both my onc and ob/gyn gave me resounding NO WAYS when I asked about the estring. A lot of women who are ER+ can use testosterone cream to jumpstart their libidos, but my docs ruled against this also.

Before you do anything, call your oncologist...seriously, you don't want to mess with an estrogen receptor positive cancer without talking to the experts first.

I hope the mojo crowd gets back to you with their experiences. Personally, I'd have a long talk with my onc and ob/gyn...

Good luck....xo
Dx 8/8/2004, IDC, Stage IV, Grade 3, 1/20 nodes, mets, ER+/PR+, HER2+
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Feb 17, 2005 01:42AM richmondnan wrote:

Hey Mena,
How was the Valentine's getaway?
And, Happy Birthday!!!
Don't hold out on us...reports please!!!!!!
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Feb 22, 2005 11:59AM Mena wrote:

Hi girls...just bumping us up for a friend...will report on my weekend in a bit...

Dx 8/8/2004, IDC, Stage IV, Grade 3, 1/20 nodes, mets, ER+/PR+, HER2+
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Feb 22, 2005 05:25PM Kathy_Verett wrote:

Carol, I am glad your husband is under a doctor's care. My DH has had a fair amount of prostate probs. that hinder us sometimes. It seems to help us to talk about it well in advance and plan ahead of time. That is part of the excitement, too, just thinking about it. If the doctor doesn't connect with your issues, don't hesitate to get another doctor. My poor husband went several years with a wrong diagnosis; we changed doctors and things are better. I think as we heal emotionally, we will be more responsive and "normal" whatever that is anymore.

God bless your day!
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Feb 25, 2005 03:22AM seatreez wrote:

Mena, ladies, this thread is pure genius! I posted a question on post-mastectomy sex the other day, not having reading this whole thread. I just sat and read through all nine pages and I am laughing and have a whole page of notes and websites and toys! I'm in my 50's and am surely game to experiment. I'll let you know. Thanks everybody!!!!

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Feb 25, 2005 06:06PM Ltb3105 wrote:

Ahem, uh, um....coughs....smiles sheepishly....

Just wanted to let everyone know that hubby and I got it on in our jacuzzi bathtub this morning...totally spontaneous, he was sitting there nursing an aching back and told me to join in, as I was about to hop in the shower.

So much for relieving some aches!!!!!!!!!!

Laura Dx 7/1/2002, IDC, 1cm, Stage I, 0/0 nodes, HER2-
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Feb 25, 2005 11:35PM Claiire wrote:

oOoOooooOOOo Lucky Laura!!

That is one of my favorite places!!

Dx 10/3/2002, LCIS, 6cm+, Stage IIIB, 0/9 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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Feb 28, 2005 12:21PM Anonymous wrote:

i have not had much interest in sex since bc-and i didnt do chemo or lose my breast etc-has any one else had this happen? i cant blame my non existent sex drive on drugs or chemo and the tiny scar i had wasnt even noticed by any one who has seen me naked-maybe its psychological -i dont know.........

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Mar 3, 2005 11:18AM iamwoman wrote:

Just wanted to bump this up!! I haven't had a chance to participate in the conversations here..but have THOUROUGHLY enjoyed reading them!!
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Mar 6, 2005 07:42AM Sphynx wrote:

Here is a mojo joke to bump this back to the top...

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.

Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself." So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!"

He never heard the shot.
Funeral on Thursday.
Dx 2/28/2003, Stage II, Grade 3, 1/3 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2-
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Mar 7, 2005 06:05PM girliiyes wrote:

I this is my first post as a newbie to this board. I am a breast cancer survior of 13 years with nor recurrence. You are absloutely right, it does take time. It took me 5 years to overcome the horrid fear. I became more comforatble with my body at which time everything else fell into place.
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Mar 7, 2005 06:11PM girliiyes wrote:


Page 9 of 144 (4,308 results)