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Topic: Husband Cheated On Me While I was on Chemo

Forum: Sex & Relationship Matters —

A safe place to talk candidly about how your romantic relationships and/or your sex life has changed following your diagnosis and treatment.

Posted on: Jun 1, 2016 06:13PM

BeStrong777 wrote:

Just learned on Mother's Day that my husband had a one night stand while I was at my worst with my Chemotherapy over 1 and 1/2 ago. He also had solicited woman for Erotic Massages due to his apparent ED problem and reinitiated contact with one night stand for "sexting". Found out because I was Positive on my Pap Smear for HPPV and he at least told the truth but now the damage is done. I finally am finding my MOJO and enjoying sex too! Anyone have similar experiences -and how did you survive?

I tried to stay strong through my cancer diagnosis and treatments because husband was a mess. Wouldn't talk about feelings and avoided mine because he was scared. He was also hating his work situation and felt trapped since we had good medical coverage. He is latino so had the whole - I'm not a man because I cant get it up issue too. (I think that was tied to the profound guilt he had for his actions).

He now realizes what he almost gave up but not sure if I want to stick around for the long haul. I still have to undergo reconstruction surgery and to do that - want to loose another 40 pounds (35 already lost) but it is a timing issue.. Want to be smoking hot and dump his A## but he is also my best friend and we have been together for 30 years and married for 23.

My life sucks but I'm staying as strong as I can be. Just want to know if others have had a similar expierence and any suggestions for help. We are seeing a Marriage Therapist and we both are seeing psychologists individually.

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Jun 1, 2016 06:46PM Moderators wrote:

BeStrong777-

Ugh, what a horrible situation! We're so sorry you've had to go through that at a time when you should be focused on your treatment and getting healthy. It's such a difficult thing to go through at any time, but more so when you're in the vulnerable position of battling breast cancer. We hope therapy sheds some light and insight on everything for you, and helps you make the best decision possible going forward.

The Mods

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Jun 5, 2016 01:58PM Jennie93 wrote:

You are actually the fourth person I know of that this has happened to (know from this site) and it does seem like a surprisingly high percentage of men do dumb-a$$ things like this. It's heartbreaking for sure. I guess only you can know whether he is honestly sorry and whether you should give him another chance.



49 at dx. Found on routine mammogram. Complications: cording, truncal LE. Dx 8/2012, IDC, Left, 2cm, Stage IIB, Grade 2, 4/6 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 9/4/2012 Lymph node removal; Mastectomy: Left Chemotherapy 10/15/2012 Cytoxan (cyclophosphamide), Taxotere (docetaxel) Radiation Therapy 3/23/2013 Lymph nodes, Chest wall Hormonal Therapy 5/22/2013 Tamoxifen pills (Nolvadex, Apo-Tamox, Tamofen, Tamone) Hormonal Therapy 1/31/2015 Arimidex (anastrozole)
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Jan 8, 2017 06:35PM TessaW wrote:

I'm glad you're getting your mojo back !

You seem a lot stronger than I was. I've been cheated on and have never dealt with it well. Everyone always says that it's something wrong with them that they would choose to do what they do, not us. Somehow though I always internalize it into if I was only.....

For me, the loss of my breasts was huge. They were awesome. I miss them. Now I have these stupid hamburger buns with the grand Canyon spaced between them.

There are men out there who won't put emphasis so much on breasts etc.

Dx 9/2013, IDC, Grade 3, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 1/7/2014 Mastectomy: Left, Right Hormonal Therapy 1/17/2014 Femara (letrozole) Surgery 3/24/2014 Reconstruction (left); Reconstruction (right) Hormonal Therapy 4/10/2014 Arimidex (anastrozole) Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole), Femara (letrozole), Tamoxifen pills (Nolvadex, Apo-Tamox, Tamofen, Tamone), Zoladex (goserelin)
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Nov 13, 2017 05:25AM - edited Nov 14, 2017 06:06PM by Jenniferx

I found out my husband cheated on me 5 years ago and fought very hard to save my marriage through counselling, etc. Unfortunately, he never gave up his mistress even though he said he had. A couple of months before my diagnosis we saw a mediator to initiate a parenting plan/separation. Before we got it finalized, I was diagnosed and the s*%t hit the fan. I still wanted to separate but since I could not leave the home because of my treatments/surgeries, he would not either. He continued his affair (to this day), even though he still denies it and we remain under the same roof, despite his mistress's belief that he has moved out. (She lives in another city). He is pressuring me (saying I'm fine) to move out as well (nesting) taking turns while the kids remain in the home. I remain firm that I will not until I am completely finished all treatments/surgeries (finishing radiation this week and then will be scheduled for reconstruction likely in early 2018). It is sucking the life out of me having him in the house. Despite all of my personal and health challenges, I have handled the whole cancer thing pretty well. It's the relationship stuff that is creating the most stress right now and I'm afraid it's going to affect my ongoing health. I am thankful that there is a forum where we can share our stories. This is pretty embarrassing. You would really hope your partner of 30 years would not betray you like this.


Dx 1/5/2017, IDC, Right, 4cm, Stage IIIA, Grade 3, 4/13 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 2/3/2017 Lymph node removal: Right, Sentinel; Mastectomy: Right; Reconstruction (right): Tissue expander placement Radiation Therapy 10/10/2017 Whole-breast: Breast, Lymph nodes Surgery Reconstruction (right): Silicone implant
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Nov 13, 2017 05:41AM Bosombuddy101 wrote:

To all the women going through this sh*T, I really empathize! My husband is a real number as well. Sex life is a one sided deal--mainly for his own pleasure and gratification--and because he's getting older, he's had trouble getting it up. This has been going on for the last few years. I'm not too worried about him cheating, because he would be laughed right out of the park. ;0) Right now I'm focusing on my health and getting better. If he cheats---good riddance and adios amigo, but I'm keeping the house.

“Trouble that can’t be named, tigers waiting to be tamed” ----Coldplay Dx 7/4/2017, IDC: Mucinous, Right, 2cm, Stage IIA, Grade 2, 0/3 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 7/20/2017 Lumpectomy: Right; Lymph node removal: Sentinel Surgery 8/31/2017 Mastectomy: Right; Prophylactic mastectomy: Left
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Nov 14, 2017 08:21AM Castigame wrote:

I love my DH. But people change. I told him that if he changes his mind about me just tell me straight up. I promised the same. I survived the first 40 plus of my life w/o DH. I survived this nasty extended diarrhea so I don't ever doubt anything will be a problem for me.

I just would like to add what my sissies told me. "Your children is your flesh and blood but your hubby is not"

Mimi Dx 1/11/2017, IDC, Left, <1cm, Stage IA, 0/2 nodes Dx 1/11/2017, IDC: Papillary/IDC: Cribriform, Right, 3cm, Stage IIIA, Grade 2, 4/17 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- (IHC) Surgery 2/14/2017 Lymph node removal: Left, Sentinel, Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy: Left, Right; Prophylactic ovary removal Chemotherapy 3/20/2017 Radiation Therapy 7/30/2017 Whole-breast: Breast, Lymph nodes, Chest wall Surgery 10/29/2017
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Nov 14, 2017 09:14AM Micmel wrote:

Let's face it some people are selfish, some men just can't go without having sex. I personally think it's disgusting! Lots of questions come to mind. Do you love him? Is he worth any of this? How long have you been married ? Because honestly, I don't see any judge making you go anywhere. The problem then becomes finances. Get in touch with your social worker at your hospital. They help with finding ways to help pay things. Most likely the judge will tell him to go and keep paying the bills because you're disabled and cannot work because you have breast cancer and are In treatment! Really think if this person is worth it. You're in the fight of your life. Isn't that when families come together? I am stage four and I realize that you really only get one life. You should live it happily and with someone who really cares and is your champion. He could have very well sunk his own ship. Or he's in the worst possible denial I have ever seen. I am so sorry this has happened to you. Not just your selfish husband, but that you have to go through cancer. My x husband was such a child. So I left him. My husband that I have now. I would die for. He is my person. Maybe you just haven't found your person yet. Don't just accept his shitty behavior because you think I have cancer no one would want me. Because that isn't true. You deserve better! I get so upset when I hear of things like this because, fighting cancer is hard enough. I'll be sending good thoughts your way. ~M~

Dx 1/22/2016, IDC, Left, 4cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 2, 13/35 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 2/10/2016 AC Surgery 6/21/2016 Lymph node removal: Left, Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy: Left Chemotherapy 7/20/2016 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 11/7/2016 Ibrance (palbociclib) Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole) Surgery Chemotherapy Chemotherapy
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Nov 14, 2017 10:08AM Micmel wrote:

Let's face it some people are selfish, some men just can't go without having sex. I personally think it's disgusting! Lots of questions come to mind. Do you love him? Is he worth any of this? How long have you been married ? Because honestly, I don't see any judge making you go anywhere. The problem then becomes finances. Get in touch with you social worker at your hospital. They help with finding ways to help pay things. Most likely the judge will tell him to go and keep paying the bills because you're disabled and cannot work because you have breast cancer and are In treatment! Really think if this person is worth it. You're in the fight of your life. Isn't that when families come together? I am stage four and I realize that you really only get one life. You should live it happily and with someone who really cares and is your champion. He could have very well sunk his own ship. Or he's in the worst possible denial I have ever seen. I am so sorry this has happened to you. Not just your selfish husband, but that you have to go through cancer. My x husband was such a child. So I left him. My husband that I have now. I would die for. He is my person. Maybe you just haven't found your person yet. Don't just accept his shitty behavior because you think I have cancer no one would want me. Because that isn't true. You deserve better! I get so upset when I hear of things like this because, fighting cancer is hard enough. I'll be sending good thoughts your way. ~M~
Dx 1/22/2016, IDC, Left, 4cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 2, 13/35 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 2/10/2016 AC Surgery 6/21/2016 Lymph node removal: Left, Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy: Left Chemotherapy 7/20/2016 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 11/7/2016 Ibrance (palbociclib) Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole) Surgery Chemotherapy Chemotherapy
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Nov 15, 2017 06:14AM Jenniferx wrote:

@Micmel Not sure if your reply was directed at me but thank you. Your words ring true and I will continue to focus on my health. I do deserve better.

Dx 1/5/2017, IDC, Right, 4cm, Stage IIIA, Grade 3, 4/13 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 2/3/2017 Lymph node removal: Right, Sentinel; Mastectomy: Right; Reconstruction (right): Tissue expander placement Radiation Therapy 10/10/2017 Whole-breast: Breast, Lymph nodes Surgery Reconstruction (right): Silicone implant
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Nov 26, 2017 10:52AM Maria0107 wrote:

I was diagnosed with cancer 3 years ago and since then I have gone through radiation and chemotherapy treatments and also had a double mastectomy. About eight months ago I had found out through Facebook that my husband was speaking with other females all over Facebook and other various chat websites. How do I file when I confronted him he confessed and claims that he had done it because he was lonely and because I had moved out of our bedroom what he failed to realize is that when I needed him the most he was only focused on himself. What hurt the most was that he had been cheating for the past year since I had gotten my last breath surgery he did not consider it cheating because he was only chatting online with them but after 13 years of being with him I consider it cheating. He has tried to show me that he cares he doesn't talk to friends much and he has changed his ways however I am still leery at times regarding where this relationship will end because I feel that he may love me but he is not physically attracted to me since I had my double mastectomy. Currently we are still working on our relationship I am working on getting tattoos to cover my scars on my breast and I just focus on myself. I stopped paying attention to his needs and continue to focus on my own. It is sad to know if they are some uncaring men out there who are not there for their women while they are going through their cancer issues.

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Nov 26, 2017 11:16AM NotBrokenJustBent wrote:

Marie, it is so good that you are focusing on yourself but if you are ONLY focusing on yourself the relationship will never work. Definitely put yourself first but you must find some balance and make room for hubby too. I learned that lesson a while back and don't want you to make the same mistake.

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