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Topic: Living my Best Life

Forum: Sex & Relationship Matters —

A safe place to talk candidly about how your romantic relationships and/or your sex life has changed following your diagnosis and treatment.

Posted on: Oct 25, 2018 10:14PM

FightLikeAGirl72 wrote:

I have to get this off what is left of my chest. In 2014 I was diagnosed with Stage 2B breast cancer. My husband and I did not have the ideal marriage (it was his 3rd and my 2nd). We had issues with our children getting along and then they would constantly lie to us. As parents we sided with the children and not with each other. Adjusting to life with my husband was tough. I am more go with the flow whereas he was more stick in the mud. We had our good and bad times. The turning point in our relationship came when his daughter moved in with us (after her mother gave the family dog away). The tension in the household began and she would go behind my back and lie to my husband about things I didn't do. Knowing this was going on, I set her up to tattle on me with something to prove my point that she running back to him to cause a wedge in the relationship. Though I proved my point, he refused to acknowledge the problem but pointed out my setting his daughter up to tell on me. So as I said, we did not have the ideal relationship, I took second seat to his daughter. We fought, I threatened to kick him out, we put a band-aid on the problem and it would be good for a few months.

In September 2013, his attitude changed toward a lot of things. He became more secretive, more withdrawn. I would always ask him about money in an account I did not have access to, he would always blow me off. He would ask to see my paystubs and I told him to look in our bank account. Because he was being secretive with the one account, I opened my own account and would take part of my pay and put it into the new account. I never hoarded the money, I always spent it on family things. It was my way of saying okay, you have your secret stash, I have mine.

Obvious we had problems and the house was full of stress. I hated being age agenumber 2. My kids were miserable. In December 2013, my mom was diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer. She passed away three months later. What hurt me most is that when I needed him, my husband was not there. After my mom died, I confirmed my diagnosis and began treatment. My husband stood by my side. I suspected nothing.

During my chemotherapy treatments, my husband was chatting with his girlfriend. The two had been carrying on relationship since October 2013. He told her he loved her and would leave me to marry her. He bought a house behind my back and denied doing so. In 2014, when I found out about the house he bought, I kicked him out. My self esteem was so low. We went to counseling and I thought we were doing okay until I officially found out about the girlfriend and his match.com profile. Caught he assured me he would end all of this nonsense. I foolishly believed him. Things never got better. We remained living in two separate homes but sleeping in the same bed (at his new house) every night. The step daughter was still first in his life. My kids were miserable.

I finally got the courage a few months ago to decided to leave. That's when the new lump appeared in my left breast. We had an ultrasound and the oncologist said it only looked like a swelling. My husband asked if it could be scar tissue and the oncologist said maybe. He was acting odd again. I found out a week after that he had changed his password on his cell phone. When I asked him for the new password he told me hell no.

Now I am a woman who believes in signs and I ignored everyone of them. So here I am today, in a new place, trying to rebuild my life. Which until tonight included my lying cheating husband. I learned a friend called him out on Facebook about not taking care of me properly. He was furious and told me he was DONE. When I asked what DONE meant, he said DONE. I told him to do what he has to do.

I guess the reason I am writing the story is to let others know that sometimes doing the right thing, in my case it was honoring my marriage vows, trying to forgive his indiscretions and working on our relationship is not the best thing. I honestly believe it has taken a larger toll on me emotionally than my cancer. You need to take care of yourself on all levels. If your relationship is not working out, it may be best to leave or at least take a step back and work on what you need to do to get yourself healthy emotionally and physically.

So I sit here tonight with my son virtually penniless, we have no food in the house, probably losing our health insurance and ripped apart on the inside. I don't know if I love my husband but I know that I love myself. I want to be happy again and I want to live. If it means starting over, then it means starting over. If it means that lump that has not disappeared is a recurrence, then I will deal with that too.

We all deserve to be happy, even it means walking away from something once you realize it's no good for you.


Dx 7/22/2014, DCIS, 3cm, Grade 2, ER+/PR+ Dx 8/13/2014, IDC, 5cm, Stage IIB, Grade 3, 3/13 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 8/13/2014 Lymph node removal: Left, Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy: Left, Right Chemotherapy 9/27/2014 AC + T (Taxol)
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Oct 26, 2018 06:03AM edwards750 wrote:

Bless your heart your story is heartbreaking. What a tool your husband is. Shame on him. It’s sad that we find out who and what our significant other is or not when there is a crisis. So sorry about your mom.

Your children will be better off at least emotionally. Surely he will be paying child support. There is no legal reason or otherwise for you to be penniless. Do you have family members or friends who can help?

You don’t deserve this but you definitely deserve to be happy. So do your children. I firmly believe what goes around comes around so your husband will pay dearly for his despicable actions but for now focus on your health and happiness.

Keep the faith.

Diane


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Oct 31, 2018 12:55AM PebblesV wrote:

@FightLikeAGirl72 - your positive fighter attitude and outlook amidst all this is inspiring and what will keep you persevering and coming out on top. I truly believe there are good things around the corner and you just need to keep persevering each day and you will come upon that time when the storm clears.

Perhaps one day you will look back at this moment in time and think of it as the blessing in disguise that helped you walk away from your cheating husband, embrace healthy goals and live your best life!

If it helps to know, I was in a bad on/off relationship for 8 years that I kept giving another chance to even though I knew it wasn’t good for me. When I finally gathered up the strength to walk away, I accepted that I might end up alone, just me and the pups, but being on my own was better than being with someone who brought me down. I didn’t know at the time that around the corner was my wonderful and incredible husband! I had to walk away from the bad relationship and when I finally did, I was able to walk towards the good relationship. And into the arms of the love of my life, who has been wonderfully supportive as I go through this next bump in the road.

Keep strong and remember that walking away from a bad thing opens you up to good things to come.

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Nov 12, 2018 03:14PM trying2staypositive7 wrote:

Hi!

I know that I'm late to this topic but I just wanted to chime in....I am really proud of you for leaving! That was super hard to do!! I agree with the other two posts. You had to let go to open yourself up for what's in a store (a real man). I am sort of where you are now. I just ended a 10 year relationship (on and off). He always had a wandering eye, even during my cancer treatment. Something in me just snapped this year and I couldn't take being with him one more second. I just didn't want to waste another second of the time I have left with someone who didn't deserve me. And that's how I feel about your ex. You are too good for him! Good luck with everything. You, my friend, are a survivor.

Dx 11/21/2013, ILC, 4cm, Stage IIIC, Grade 2, 10/15 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 1/22/2014 Lymph node removal: Right; Mastectomy: Right; Reconstruction (right): Tissue expander placement Chemotherapy 2/25/2014 AC Hormonal Therapy 5/4/2014 Radiation Therapy 6/25/2014 Whole-breast: Breast Surgery 6/28/2015 Reconstruction (right): DIEP flap Surgery 12/20/2015 Prophylactic ovary removal Surgery Mastectomy: Right Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole)

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