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Topic: Feeling disconnected

Forum: Sex & Relationship Matters —

A safe place to talk candidly about how your romantic relationships and/or your sex life has changed following your diagnosis and treatment.

Posted on: Mar 6, 2019 11:42PM

bluepoet wrote:

Hello, I'm new here. I recently discovered my husband looking at other women online (through social media). I'm not sure if this began before my diagnosis in May 2018 or afterwards. Regardless, I feel hurt. Even more so now after everything that I have been through with my body. I have not confronted him yet. Part of me is understanding in thinking- he's a typical man and likes to look, but the other part of me is pissed off and hurt...thinking how dare he after everything I've been through. Our sex life is not the same as it was. And part of it is because I am insecure with my body or always in pain. I just feel lost and disconnected. Wondering if anyone is in the same boat and what you did to make things better. Any advice is appreciated. TIA.

Dx 5/2018, IDC, Left, 1cm, Stage IA, Grade 2, 0/1 nodes, ER+, HER2- Surgery 7/27/2018 Lymph node removal: Sentinel; Mastectomy: Left, Right; Reconstruction (left): DIEP flap; Reconstruction (right): DIEP flap Surgery 12/11/2018 Reconstruction (left): Fat grafting; Reconstruction (right): Fat grafting Hormonal Therapy 2/9/2019 Tamoxifen pills (Nolvadex, Apo-Tamox, Tamofen, Tamone)
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Mar 7, 2019 07:26AM blah333 wrote:

It sucks...... I am not married but I see male friends of mine on instagram who are married and have children liking raunchy pictures of women in sexy poses and it's really tacky.... this is sadly quite common. Sorry I don't have more input on the matter.

Age 35 at diagnosis Dx 9/2017, DCIS, Left, 6cm+, Stage 0, 0/2 nodes, ER+/PR+ Surgery 11/30/2017 Mastectomy: Left, Right
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Mar 7, 2019 06:03PM - edited Mar 7, 2019 06:04PM by edwards750

I am married and now have a lopsided breast from my lumpectomy but my husband is very supportive. Idk if he's gawking at women on the internet or not. I think I'd rather not know. Overall he's just as attentive as he was before my DX.

However, if he was leering at other women I would definitely ask him about it and let him know it hurt my feelings. Of course looking is one thing and acting on it is quite another. Atleast in part it could also be our feeling insecure about our bodies and all this does is reinforce those insecurities. We all need a double dose of affection and attention dealing with this insidious disease and the fallout that comes with it.

We have all gone through so much in this emotional and physical roller coaster sowe certainly don't need something else to make us feel less of the woman we used to be. Last time I checked we didn't ask for this.

Diane

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Mar 8, 2019 01:36AM bluepoet wrote:

Thank you blah333. It definitely does suck :(

Thank you edwards750 Diane. We had a long conversation about it last night. I'm not sure how I'm feeling about it today, but at least now he knows how hurt I feel.

Dx 5/2018, IDC, Left, 1cm, Stage IA, Grade 2, 0/1 nodes, ER+, HER2- Surgery 7/27/2018 Lymph node removal: Sentinel; Mastectomy: Left, Right; Reconstruction (left): DIEP flap; Reconstruction (right): DIEP flap Surgery 12/11/2018 Reconstruction (left): Fat grafting; Reconstruction (right): Fat grafting Hormonal Therapy 2/9/2019 Tamoxifen pills (Nolvadex, Apo-Tamox, Tamofen, Tamone)
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Mar 8, 2019 11:59PM edwards750 wrote:

blue poet - at least you told him.

Diane

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Mar 9, 2019 12:32AM - edited Mar 9, 2019 12:34AM by HopeBry

Communication is key, what he does with that information will give you more answers as to what hes willing to do to support you through this battle and cater to your feelings. If no change then thats an issue. I was diagnosed in Oct. Husband loves social media. He looks here and there at his followers when scrolling through his feed and Im not bothered by it. To me its human we all look. If a man is taking action and contacting them, saying inappropriate things to them and disrespecting me as his wife, then thats an issue. Or acting on something, then it will be a war in my house. My husband and I dont lock our phones, we want to be transparent and have trust. Our sex life isnt like it was because I dont have the desire plus these damn hot flashes are unbearable. My husband has been supportive and somewhat patient. He does complain he needs more affection. Its like a role reversal in my home. Im like its hot get away and he needs more love. I tell my hubby unfortunately its not about you right now, its about me. I just need your continued support and patience so I can beat this and in time we get back to some normalcy. Good luck with your husband.

Dx 10/25/2018, IDC, Left, 2cm, Stage IIA, Grade 3, ER-/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy AC + T (Taxol)

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