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Topic: I'm interested in a woman with a double mastectomy.

Forum: Sex & Relationship Matters —

A safe place to talk candidly about how your romantic relationships and/or your sex life has changed following your diagnosis and treatment.

Posted on: Nov 24, 2019 10:52PM

rmatonic1 wrote:

I have recently met a woman that I found out had a double mastectomy. We've talked a couple times prior to me knowing, and I became very interested. She carried herself with such grace and strength, and just had a wonderful energy about her. I since found out about her surgeries and her journey. I've been reading for the past couple days because tomorrow night is the night I'm going to ask her out. I'm not even sure if she will say yes. The countless stories I have read about dealing with the surgeries and dating after the surgeries, it brought me to tears. So, I don't want to screw things up. I hardly ever cry don't wait to think that I am a sap. But knowing what she's been through, and the way she carries herself, makes her even more beautiful to me. From what I hear, she may say yes tomorrow night. But I am scared. This is a new path for me and if anyone can offer me any advice, it would be greatly appreciated. Thank you. Rick

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Nov 25, 2019 08:32AM Yogatyme wrote:

Rick, let me begin by saying you are truly a remarkable man. For you to come to this forum to learn more about mastectomy and the effects of same says a lot about you and your response to learning about her journey is so empathic. It sounds like she is equally remarkable and has moved through this and come out the other side with a lot of grace. As a bilateral mastectomy patient, I can tell you that a dx of breast cancer and/or mastectomy is traumatic and takes a toll on us both physically and emotionally. You don’t say whether she had breast cancer or had prophylactic mastectomy b/c of genetic mutation, but since she has shared that she has had surgery it is pretty safe to assume you could ask her to tell you more about it. Listening and asking questions is where to start with this. As long as she’s in the drivers seat with the discussion you will be fine. Ultimately, trust yourself and her and ask her out. She will guide you with how to move forward with this. Good luck and remember, mastectomy is just one aspect of her life. There are many more things to learn about her! So, make that call.

Yogatyme Surgery 3/3/2019 Prophylactic ovary removal Dx 7/19/2019, IDC: Papillary, Right, <1cm, Stage IA, Grade 2, 0/5 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 8/13/2019 Mastectomy: Left, Right
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Nov 25, 2019 04:15PM WC3 wrote:

Rick:

I would just go about like with any woman you really fancy. Good luck to you! I hope she says yes!

Dx 2018, IDC, Left, 3cm, Grade 3, ER+/PR+, HER2+ (FISH) Chemotherapy 6/1/2018 Carboplatin (Paraplatin), Taxotere (docetaxel) Surgery 11/15/2018 Lymph node removal: Left, Sentinel; Mastectomy: Left, Right; Reconstruction (left): Tissue expander placement; Reconstruction (right): Tissue expander placement Hormonal Therapy Tamoxifen pills (Nolvadex, Apo-Tamox, Tamofen, Tamone) Surgery Reconstruction (left): Silicone implant; Reconstruction (right): Silicone implant Targeted Therapy Perjeta (pertuzumab) Targeted Therapy Herceptin (trastuzumab)
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Nov 26, 2019 01:50AM AliceBastable wrote:

Please be aware of the woman's reactions to anything you might say. Some women would be flattered if you mention that you think she's strong and handling everything with grace. Others might think you are being a condescending twit. Don't gush over her, she probably doesn't want to be The Cancer Patient/Survivor. As you get to know her better, SHE will open up to YOU when she feels comfortable. Let HER decide.

Endometrial cancer 2010, basal cell multiples, breast cancer 2018, kidney cancer 2018. Cancer's a bitch, but I'm a bigger one with more practice. Dx 5/2018, ILC/IDC, Left, 2cm, Stage IA, Grade 2, 1/1 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 7/11/2018 Lumpectomy: Left; Lymph node removal: Sentinel Surgery 8/8/2018 Radiation Therapy 10/29/2018 Whole-breast: Breast, Lymph nodes
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Nov 26, 2019 02:09AM wrenn wrote:

My gallbladder surgery was much harder than my mastectomies for recovery and I am not sure anyone would have considered me as having grace and strength for having gone through that.

I think being diagnosed with cancer is the main focus for most of us and not our surgeries so she may see your focus on her surgeries as puzzling or missing the point.

Or are you talking about your decision to date someone without breasts?

Metaplastic IDC Triple negative...Tumour is 1.5cm. BMX Aug. 16th. Chemo cancelled after one dose due to complications. Dx 7/25/2013, IDC, Left, 1cm, Stage IA, Grade 3, 0/6 nodes, ER-/PR-, HER2- Surgery 8/16/2013 Lymph node removal: Left, Sentinel, Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy: Left, Right
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Nov 26, 2019 04:01AM Anotherone wrote:

what they said above - ask questions then be led by her response; treat her like any other woman you fancy and you may want to examine what you see as a so big deal as to warrant praise to her strength and grace. It is bitter sweet when men I am interested in romantically compliment me on my strength - they are meant to see me as someone they want to look after , not someone who is stronger than themselves ; strength in a woman is not exactly aphrodisiac, let's be honest.

I would add - accept that no matter how careful you are going to try to be (by the way better not try too hard as it does not come across well and creates uneasy atmosphere) you are likely to hurt her feelings in some way because we feel vulnerable and tetchy , specially if operarions is a recent occurrence and she has not dated much since- just ask her to tell you if it happens.

You may not get on anyway - you would not have liked many of us with breasts; not having breasts does not change it.

Intimacy is usually an issue - you are bound to feel awkward and she is bound to feel conscious - you two either deal with these feelings successfully or not...

I remember being recently ( up to 3 years ) from operations - it was an issue to me. The fact that she mentioned operations before even meeting you makes me think it is an issue to her. It is going to get better as time goes by for her so if everything else is fine and it is just her feeling uneasy about her body - it is likely to get better so do not give up too soon.

Primary in 2006, metastasis 2019. Sorry can lot log in diagnosis and treatment info properly - it gets jumbled. Dx 10/10/2006, IDC, Left, Stage IIIC, metastasized to lungs, Grade 3, 4/9 nodes, ER-/PR-, HER2+ Dx 7/1/2019, IDC, Stage IV, metastasized to lungs Chemotherapy 9/17/2019 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy Herceptin (trastuzumab) Radiation Therapy External: Chest wall Surgery Lymph node removal: Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy: Left; Reconstruction (left): Tissue expander placement

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