Happy, healthy and active sex life before this nightmare began. All of the sudden, the rug was pulled out from underneath me. I just turned 50 and got the diagnosis. "Welcome to your 50s! These are the best years of your life. And, by the way, you have breast cancer."
I KNEW there would be bumps. I feared he would find the scars unattractive. He's been wonderful supporting me through all of this. He has taken such good care of me post surgery. Handled the disgusting drain. Attends all the appointments. I didn't want him to even see the scar, in fear it would freak him out. But he's been great.He assures me he's okay with it. However, scars, scars and more scars. Now I fear it has been too much.
I couldn't wait until we got the clear. Remember, I said we had an active sex life? I found myself nervous when we decided it was time. I expected some discomfort and awkwardness due to this missing part. I left a shirt on to hide the scar. We turned off all the lights because I was so self-conscious. It was awkward and clumsy but my body responded immediately. Things were fine and "upright" as long as we weren't facing each other. As soon as we tried our go-to position, instant deflation. We tried several more times in varying positions and the same result when returning to facing each other. Finally I just gave up. He finished and I wound up in tears.
I KNOW it's not his fault but it cut me to the core, I know he loves me, but his physical reaction is kind of hard to ignore. As much as I need sex, I can't handle this response knowing it's because of what I look like now.
Please tell me this gets better!
Age at dx: 50. Oncotype score 4. ICD (2 masses) and DCIS (1 mass); 1/3 nodes (microscopically positive)
12/11/2019, DCIS/IDC, Left, 3cm, Stage IIB, Grade 2, ER+/PR+, HER2- (FISH)
12/11/2019, DCIS, Left, <1cm, Stage 0, Grade 1
2/27/2020, IDC, Left, 1cm, Stage IIB, Grade 2, 1/3 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
2/27/2020 Mastectomy: Left; Reconstruction (left): Tissue expander placement
4/1/2020 Tamoxifen pills (Nolvadex, Apo-Tamox, Tamofen, Tamone)
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