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Topic: Intimacy Drought

Forum: Sex & Relationship Matters —

A safe place to talk candidly about how your romantic relationships and/or your sex life has changed following your diagnosis and treatment.

Posted on: Dec 29, 2020 07:15AM

Booker wrote:

I had my DMX in July and reconstruction in Nov. Now my husband has 0 interest in sex.

We tried once in September. All he did was complain that it was awkward.... yes ladies he complained during the act. I finally just said "stop stop stop. Clearly you aren't interested". Honestly the only awkward part was him. I was healed from the DMX at that point; no drains, no bandages, nothing.

I've tried talking to him. For a long while he told me his sex drive was down and he thought maybe he was a bit depressed. So I backed off. Now I've discovered he's been watching porn which I wouldn't mind if we were still being active together. When I mentioned to him that I knew he'd been watching porn and self pleasuring he just patted my shoulder and said "its been a rough year for you. You'll be ok".

I don't know what to do. Do I just except that I'm now in a sexless marriage? We don't have any sex therapist near us, the nearest is a 3 hour drive so that isn't an option.

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Dec 29, 2020 11:08AM Bailey5 wrote:

I cannot believe no one replied. It’s brave of your to talk here. Sexless marriage is ok if both of u are ok with it. I hope you find answers. I have none. Sorry. Maybe “virtual therapy” or books can offer insight in what to do

Bailey5 Dx 6/1/2010, ILC/IDC, Left, 1cm, Stage IA, Grade 1, 0/1 nodes, mets, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 8/5/2010 Lymph node removal: Left, Sentinel; Mastectomy: Left; Prophylactic mastectomy: Right; Reconstruction (left): Free TRAM flap, Nipple reconstruction; Reconstruction (right): Free TRAM flap, Nipple reconstruction
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Dec 29, 2020 04:01PM Astrid1986 wrote:

I am afraid. It must be difficult moments..

How much he is motivated to change this situation? I think if there is a mutual agreemnet to resolve this issue, then probably online video counceling also works. I recommend firstly a couple therapist. It is not merely about sex. It is a change in your both lives and probably everyone needs to speak about own feelings, vulnerabilities and thoughts.

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Dec 29, 2020 04:16PM Booker wrote:

I don't know why I hadn't thought of doing the therapy virtually. Most of my doctors appointments were virtual this year.

I'll check in with the therapist I had heard about to see if that's an option.

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Dec 29, 2020 04:18PM Booker wrote:

My sadness over it seems to bother him but I think that is where his concern ends. So I don't know that he is all that interested in fixing it.

I would hope he'd take a chance on correcting it if given the option.

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Dec 29, 2020 08:27PM Moderators wrote:

Welcome, Booker. We're so sorry for what you're going through, we know sex and intimacy can be a struggle for some following treatment. We agree with Astrid1986 about pursuing virtual therapy, and we sincerely hope your husband is open to working on this with you, with the help and support of a therapist. Please keep us posted.

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Dec 30, 2020 01:20AM abigailj wrote:

Hi Booker - I had a long recovery from my BMX with immediate DIEP recon in June - long healing process and husband was afraid to initiate anything for fear of hurting me. I showed him with actions when I was ready for more than gentle hugs and kisses, was playful with it, took things slow, it really was a process of reintroducing ourselves to each other sexually, of him learning and me showing him what pleased me now vs before my surgery and it took a while to get our groove back. Sincerely hoping your husband will make the effort to work this out both inside his head and physically too. You have gone through a lot mentally in addition to physically and youdeserve to have that closeness and sharing of pleasure with the person you love!

Dx 1/2020, ILC/IDC, Both breasts, 2cm, Stage IB, 0/4 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 6/22/2020 Mastectomy: Left, Right; Reconstruction (left): DIEP flap, SIEA flap; Reconstruction (right): DIEP flap, SIEA flap

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