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Topic: Wish I wasn't so depressed.

Forum: Share Your Experiences Of Life After A Breast Cancer Diagnosis —

Share your experiences of life after a breast cancer diagnosis and offer advice on how you cope with life's daily challenges, including how you develop a new daily/weekly routine while you deal with breast cancer.

Posted on: Dec 2, 2019 04:34PM

arizonaboundgal wrote:

Hey all. I was diagnosed with ILC/LCIS in July and had a BMX in August. I sailed through the surgery and was back at work in a month. Piece of cake I told everyone. And at the time, I really thought so, too. I felt sooooo happy/lucky that it was caught early. This feeling stuck around for a little while, but then I started sinking into a funk. I hate it. Why couldn't that feeling of gratitude stuck around for a little longer? Now, I'm feeling so many things. I'm angry, I'm afraid, I'm sad...so sad. I just HATE that instead of celebrating, I'm suffering. I'm not the person I was just a few short months ago and I HATE that this has changed me. I try to put a positive spin on all of it, but right now, my life is really hard. I do plan on going back to therapy and it probably wouldn't hurt to get started on a second antidepressant. I know that others have/are feeling the same way, but I'm wondering whether this sadness will fade in time. I join the many other women on here that want to scream "I want my old life back!" but I can't get it back. And I guess that I'll just have to learn to live with this, but for now, it sucks with a capital S.

Enjoy every sandwich--Warren Zevon
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Dec 2, 2019 04:52PM Lily55 wrote:

This is a very common phenomenon..... can you speak to a Counsellor perhaps? When in treatment we are in survival mode but afterwards we need to start processing what has happened.....it takes time. A cancer diagnosis is traumatic....be kind to yourself, you will start to find peace.....but it really does need time.....

Xx

Dx 4/2012, ILC, 5cm, Stage IIIA, Grade 2, 7/14 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 5/3/2012 Lymph node removal: Right, Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy: Right Radiation Therapy 8/15/2012 Breast, Lymph nodes Hormonal Therapy 7/19/2013 Aromasin (exemestane) Radiation Therapy 3/7/2019 External: Bone Chemotherapy Taxol (paclitaxel)
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Dec 2, 2019 05:34PM Euphoriaa wrote:

Are you taking any antihormonal? Tamoxifen depresses me a lot

Dx 9/24/2018, IDC, Left, 3cm, Stage IIA, Grade 1, 1/8 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- (IHC) Hormonal Therapy Tamoxifen pills (Nolvadex, Apo-Tamox, Tamofen, Tamone) Radiation Therapy Whole-breast: Breast, Lymph nodes, Chest wall Chemotherapy AC + T (Taxol)
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Dec 2, 2019 05:36PM arizonaboundgal wrote:

Thank you, Lily. It feels very isolating.I know it’s all part of the process, but knowing that doesn’t make it easier.

Enjoy every sandwich--Warren Zevon
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Dec 2, 2019 05:38PM arizonaboundgal wrote:

Hey Euph. No, not taking anything. Being in a funk is exhausting, isn’t it? Uggg.

Enjoy every sandwich--Warren Zevon
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Dec 2, 2019 05:45PM MinusTwo wrote:

arizona - did you not have chemo or radiation after your surgery? If you get a minute, do go to My Profile and post your diagnosis and treatment so we can better understand. If you already posted, you need to make it public.

2/15/11 BMX-DCIS 2SNB clear-TEs; 9/15/11-410gummies; 3/20/13 recurrance-5.5cm,mets to lymphs, Stage IIIB IDC ER/PRneg,HER2+; TCH/Perjeta/Neulasta x6; ALND 9/24/13 1/18 nodes 4.5cm; AC chemo 10/30/13 x3; herceptin again; Rads Feb2014
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Dec 2, 2019 06:22PM arizonaboundgal wrote:

I didn’t have chemo. Tumor was tiny. It couldn’t have gotten any better. I do feel wicked lucky, but it’s accompanied with sadness and a bunch of other feelings

Enjoy every sandwich--Warren Zevon
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Dec 2, 2019 06:42PM mistyeyes wrote:

I think you are normal.....or we're all crazy. I would sometimes feel depressed, and everyone is different, but I would go to bed and mope for a day. After that I felt a bit better and could face the world again. If your depression hangs on and you can't shake it, go for help, a lot of cancer doctors office know of cancer councilors that can help you.

IDC right- Stage IIA, Grade 3,ER-,PR+,HER2+ Dx 11/15/2016, Right, PR+, HER2+
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Dec 2, 2019 07:45PM PeppermintPatti wrote:

Hello Arizona and everyone,

I get it, Arizona, I really do. I've had DCIS 3X since 1998. Left, Right, then right again. I had a double mx in 2016 followed by 2 years of reconstruction. Overall feeling great. Walked a half marathon 6 months out and 5-5ks therafter.

Then, I recently hit a wall. I got fired after my last surgery upon my return from medical leave. I was out for 6 months looking for work. Lost insurance, my daily routine, and money, lots of it, however, I had more time to rest. I cranked up my hobbies of painting and piano playing.

Now, this month December, I'm up for check ups. Then EVERYTHING started to flood me. I will NEVER be the same person I was. Never. That's ok. I'm a new person inside and out. Breast cancer changes things. A lot of things. It's also made me appreciate many things!

Fear kicks in from time to time but to me after a diagnosis, that's just plain normal. I currently feel free. This time of year dredges it all up for me!

I haven't been to a support group meeting in ages as aside from getting a new job 1 month ago, I'm nearing completion in a course of study in a few weeks.

I'm tired. I feel a little overwhelmed and I wish I was back to my original factory setting but that can't be. I keep on keepin' on. I'm a bad ass in striped pajamas! (Hey, I just made that up! Lol...) It's good I reached out to those who get it. To carry this burden IS a burden but I also carry the light of love, laughter, and hope! Some days it all just gets to me and you know what? It's ok! You're not alone, Arizona!!

Some days I'm the dog and other days I'm the hydrant! Thanks for letting me share this! I was busting!!

Love and hugs..

PeppermintPatti






"No matter what's going on, I found, we all still need to buy toilet paper!" Dx 11/1998, DCIS, Left, <1cm, Stage 0, ER-/PR-, HER2- Dx 11/2006, DCIS, Right, <1cm, Stage 0, ER-/PR-, HER2- Dx 11/2016, DCIS, Right, <1cm, Stage 0, ER-/PR-, HER2- Radiation Therapy Whole-breast: Breast Radiation Therapy Whole-breast: Breast Radiation Therapy
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Dec 2, 2019 07:47PM PeppermintPatti wrote:

Meant to say I currently feel FEAR! The word FREE popped out! Look at that!

"No matter what's going on, I found, we all still need to buy toilet paper!" Dx 11/1998, DCIS, Left, <1cm, Stage 0, ER-/PR-, HER2- Dx 11/2006, DCIS, Right, <1cm, Stage 0, ER-/PR-, HER2- Dx 11/2016, DCIS, Right, <1cm, Stage 0, ER-/PR-, HER2- Radiation Therapy Whole-breast: Breast Radiation Therapy Whole-breast: Breast Radiation Therapy
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Dec 3, 2019 02:01PM arizonaboundgal wrote:

Thanks for your kind thoughts, Misty and Peppermint! PP...you badass in striped jams. That's great. Sometimes that's all we can do is keep on keeping on; there's a TON to be said for that. I guess I do the same. Thanks for the cyber love and hugs...I wish you the same, especially during this tough month. Hang tight!

Enjoy every sandwich--Warren Zevon
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Dec 3, 2019 02:15PM mitziandbubba wrote:

I feel you. Mine was caught early too. I look basically the same except a little less fit. I was laughing and smiling through treatment.

And today, 3 months later, I am sitting at my kitchen table at 3pm wearing my bathrobe and non matching socks b/c I could not be bothered to get dressed. I work from home often so that is no problem - except that I am a person who puts on full makeup and gets dressed in real clothes even when I work in the house. Half the time shaving my legs or walking my dog is too much for me - such an effort to do things that I did before without even thinking - even during treatment!

My house is a mess and doing any little chore is so hard. I watch episodes of Hoarders now and I think that I understand how someone can just toss garbage on the floor of their house and just stop thinking about it. Before cancer I could not even picture how someone could do that. My house is not at that state of course, but it is messier than normal. My husband keeps saying "well, you had cancer, give yourself a break". But it is only getting harder.

My depression and sadness are getting worse. I am seeing a therapist, I am in a support group (which is arguably not helping), I am exercising. The sadness is not from the Tamoxifen I don't think. The sadness is from the cancer diagnosis. It's sadness and shock. I know I have to accept that I had(have?) cancer but it seems like I can't.

Surgery 5/9/2019 Lumpectomy: Left Surgery 5/29/2019 Lymph node removal: Sentinel Dx IDC, Left, 1cm, Stage IA, Grade 1, 0/4 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Radiation Therapy Whole-breast: Breast
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Dec 3, 2019 02:52PM arizonaboundgal wrote:

Aw, Mitzi. I'm so sorry to read this. Depression just sucks. I'm also someone who never spends the day in jams, yet here I am. I actually spent part of the morning in bed, which I never, ever do. I'm glad that you're seeing a therapist and that you're working out. And even if the support group isn't helping, you're making an effort. Maybe you need something else? This morning, in my neverending attempt to help myself rise about all this, I rolled some ideas around in my head and thought that I might try a yoga/aromatherapy class, or try to find a healing drum circle. Or maybe a kickboxing class. Of course, when you're feeling like crap, just dragging the vacuum around the house takes everything you've got, right?! But I know that I have to at least try. Do you think you could ask your oncologist about switching to something besides tamoxifen? It may not be the sole reason for your depression/sadness, but it may be adding to it. And yes, I get the sadness. It's really heavy and I hate it. LOL...I've been grappling with the had/have question as well. (Although I am always sure to say that I HAD cancer!) I'm concerned that you feel like things are getting harder, though. Are you taking any antidepressants? They've helped me a lot in the past and I've just started back up on them and am awaiting a call back from my therapist. I'm throwing everything I can muster the energy to throw at this damn thing. Please feel free to reach out via this site or in a private message and we can talk about anything that feels right to you. You hang in there, my friend. This, too, shall pass. xx
Enjoy every sandwich--Warren Zevon
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Dec 3, 2019 03:48PM mitziandbubba wrote:

Thank you Arizonaboundgal. I did talk about going on antidepressants but the therapist doesn't want me to yet. With me, there's past trauma at play. I was sexually abused as a child and cancer really brought all of that up again. I did a lot of work on those feelings in past and I feel that cancer set me back 20 years. I think this is really my issue. It's a very hard one to confront.

I do want to sign up for a BollyX workout class I used to enjoy, but it starts next month. Maybe I should just sign up now so I know I have it to look forward to?

Surgery 5/9/2019 Lumpectomy: Left Surgery 5/29/2019 Lymph node removal: Sentinel Dx IDC, Left, 1cm, Stage IA, Grade 1, 0/4 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Radiation Therapy Whole-breast: Breast
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Dec 3, 2019 04:08PM arizonaboundgal wrote:

First you need this...(())

So, no meds as to not mask the feelings that come up? I'd probably be insistent; you don't want to get to a place where you can't function. It sounds like even a starter dose might help a bit.

Heck, sign up for BollX now!

Enjoy every sandwich--Warren Zevon
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Dec 3, 2019 06:38PM vmb wrote:

I feel the same way. I feel broken.

I am past a mastectomy and half-way through chemo, looking down the barrel of radiation and reconstruction, so I still have a ways to go. Oh. And 10 years of RX.

I have been crying everyday, usually multiple times a day -- a good cry in the shower, one or two before work and I round out the day with a cry at night. Things have gotten really bad. I can't see past my tears. I literally feel like I am on the verge of tears all day long.

I'm just so sad for myself. I'm mourning my old life. The one a normal 30-something year old is supposed to have with a new husband. I'm angry and confused and upset and ... just sad.

I hope it gets better, but I can't stop crying long enough to figure out when or how.

Dx 8/7/2019, DCIS/IDC, Left, 5cm, Stage IIIA, Grade 1, 4/4 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 9/18/2019 Mastectomy: Left; Reconstruction (right) Chemotherapy 10/24/2019 AC + T (Taxol) Radiation Therapy
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Dec 3, 2019 08:43PM mitziandbubba wrote:

Thank you Arizonaboundgal. Today was very hard. I'm very hesitant to take anything b/c I did before and I did not like it. I run two businesses and volunteer and that is all doing really well, so I'm not doing that bad. It's just that I am normally VERY high functioning and I don't sit around in my bathrobe - although I do have some cool bathrobes - I just got a new one that is pink crushed velvet. I'm hiring a cleaning person I decided since that is the aspect of life I am finding hardest to deal with. I think I just need a break from it. We were actually in the middle of renovating when I got the diagnosis and literally dropped everything and it has been hard to catch up.

vmb - big hugs. Are you talking to anyone? I have to tell you that although I am not 100% now, I cried every day for a long time. I don't do that now. I have days where I don't think about cancer at all - but there are hard days mixed in like today. I met a woman when I was finishing up radiation who is a 30 year survivor. She told me that it will take some time to get past things, but that once we do, our lives will be so much better than they were before. Of course I wanted to slap her when she said this - but I am already starting to see this in my own life.

I was always a mega perfectionist and I would spend ages fretting over one brow hair out of place, a throw pillow not fluffy enough, a misspelled word in an email my colleague sent on my behalf. That part of my life ended with BC and that is a great gift! Now I don't notice these things and if I do, I do not care! I may not be happy every day, but I am certainly more relaxed in many ways. Oh, and I get mega excited about really little things and everyone laughs at me. I was not like that before - I was very jaded. I notice a renewed energy in that sense.

We have all faced a BIG thing. If I am going to be upset about something or scared of something - at least let it be A BIG THING. I listen to friends sometimes and I have to laugh to myself when I think THAT is what bothers you? There are so many small things in life that people worry over. I know b/c I certainly did. But why? Waste of energy. I need my energy for my BollyX class!

The good days are coming. I know they are for us all. I just wish they'd hurry up!

Surgery 5/9/2019 Lumpectomy: Left Surgery 5/29/2019 Lymph node removal: Sentinel Dx IDC, Left, 1cm, Stage IA, Grade 1, 0/4 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Radiation Therapy Whole-breast: Breast
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Dec 4, 2019 01:18AM godisone wrote:

I dont feel that you are depressed. You signed up here and started a whole post that does mean that you wish to overcome this depression and now that you have decided on it, you can achieve it as well. Emotions and feelings can be channwelized into something productive easily.All you need to do is to be a good girl for sometime by helping others. Remember how good we used to be fo Christmas? It's the same. Do good have good and e positive.

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Dec 4, 2019 06:44AM arizonaboundgal wrote:

I'm also wondering whether you're seeing someone, vmb. We do have to mourn to heal...I do understand that. (Although it doesn't make it suck any less.) This is all so new for all of us.

Mitzi. It's good that you can see that some good has come out of this. That's the balance, I guess. It's when we lose something and don't gain something that makes it suck. Some days, I feel like I can't seem to find the positive. Other days, I can see more clearly. My sister also had breast cancer 10 years ago and she helped me a ton after diagnosis, surge, etc. We have managed to stay much more connected. So I guess that's one of my silver linings, among many. And you're right to say that we all faced a big thing. Sometimes I feel like my cancer doesn't really count because I didn't have to go through what many others have had to endure. I even felt guilt for a while. But I've spent my life feeling guilty about way too many things and I refuse to any more.

Enjoy every sandwich--Warren Zevon
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Dec 4, 2019 09:20AM ctmbsikia wrote:

I haven't found that getting a cancer diagnosis of any sort requires a different reaction and feelings according to which type and stage one is diagnosed with.

Seems to be a issue or misconception? I don't know. Of course stage IV is devastating. Having a better prognosis does not totally eliminate the recurrence fears and you may as well throw in some survivors guilt. To me, cancer is cancer. No matter what kind or type. So many members here have all the same emotions. I too, believe what you are feeling is normal and it's good that you recognize it! I wish you the best.

BC is like the weather. Sometimes it's a complete storm, sometimes it's like being in a fog, and sometimes things are sunny and nice. We all know we can't control the weather, so I choose to just take each day as it comes and do the best I can, even on the bad days.

Dx 12/14/2017, DCIS/IDC, Left, 4cm, Stage IIB, Grade 2, 1/2 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Dx 1/16/2018, LCIS, Right Surgery 1/31/2018 Lumpectomy: Left; Lymph node removal: Sentinel Radiation Therapy 4/11/2018 Whole-breast: Breast Hormonal Therapy 6/25/2018 Arimidex (anastrozole)
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Dec 4, 2019 09:58AM Betrayal wrote:

ctmbsikia: Thank you for the comparison of BC to weather. It is a great simile and describes actually what my life has been like since diagnosis. We all have days where the weather is not to our liking and taking one day at a time offers hope for a better day.

Dx 1/7/2016, DCIS/ILC/IDC, Left, 1cm, Stage IA, Grade 1, 0/1 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 1/31/2016 Lymph node removal: Sentinel Surgery 1/31/2016 Lumpectomy: Left Surgery 3/3/2016 Lumpectomy: Left Radiation Therapy 3/30/2016 Whole-breast: Breast Hormonal Therapy 6/24/2016 Arimidex (anastrozole) Hormonal Therapy 5/18/2017 Femara (letrozole)
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Dec 4, 2019 11:35AM edj3 wrote:

mitziandbubba know I shared before, same issues as you wrt childhood sexual abuse. I am back in counseling w/ a psychologist and dealing with that PTSD again. Frustrating beyond words and I'm angry that the two cancers stirred all this shit up.

She's using cognitive process therapy with me, which isn't what I did before. This is hard, very hard, and I do feel all the feelings, which sucks. But I think the only way out is through, even though I hate this with every non-cancerous cell in my body. HATE IT.

You're not alone.

Dx 4/9/2019, DCIS/IDC, Left, <1cm, Stage IA, Grade 2, 0/1 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- (IHC) Dx 5/6/2019, LCIS, Left, <1cm, 0/1 nodes Surgery 5/6/2019 Lumpectomy; Lymph node removal: Sentinel Radiation Therapy 6/3/2019 Whole-breast: Breast Hormonal Therapy 9/23/2019 Tamoxifen pills (Nolvadex, Apo-Tamox, Tamofen, Tamone)

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