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Topic: Do I tell 18yr old step-son we don't like his girlfriend?

Forum: Family and Family Planning Matters —

A comforting place to discuss planning a family, fertility concerns, parenting children, or relationship issues with partners, siblings, or parents following a diagnosis.

Posted on: Apr 20, 2010 10:17AM

cs34 wrote:

Help! I've never had any children of my own but I have my step son living with me for the past few months. He and I have a great relationship and talk about most things.

He has changed considerably since dating his girlfriend. She is the queen of manipulation and none of us like her.

I was wondering if you mothers out there, who may or may not have experienced something similar, can give me some advice as to how to handle this.

Do I talk to him about it and just say, "keep your eyes open," or out right (which is what he knows of me) tell him I don't like her nor do I like who HE is with her (nicely, of course)?

I tend to think it will send him closer to her.

I'm trying my best but I became a day-to-day step mother over night!! Help!

DMX-immediate latt flap, chemo, radiation, ooph Dx 1/2/2009, IDC, 5cm, Stage IIB, Grade 2, 3/8 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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Apr 20, 2010 10:28AM AmyIsStrong wrote:

I would NOT say that you do not like her. He most likely will tell her which will make things difficult AND it will quite likely push him closer to her.  What I might do - as the situations present themselves - is point out some behaviors of hers that are concerning. If you have a great relationship and can talk about most things, as you say in your post above, then I would WAIT and keep my eyes open for a 'teachable moment' - either when something comes up about someone else in a bad or manipulative relationship, and you can define the problem and say how destructive it is (in a general sense, not related to him directly) and then see if he gets the connection or maybe draw a parallel GENTLY - like "You know, when she threw that fit because she didn't like the birthday gift you got her, it sort of reminded me of what we are talking about."  And then leave it at that.  I WOULD NOT say anything general about her - I would limit it to SPECIFIC behaviors/examples that HE can draw conclusions from. That way if he does tell her, you won't have anything to be sorry for.  If you said she was manipulative, that could be difficult. But if you said that the time she stormed out on Christmas Eve was selfish and destructive, that sort of stands on its own. Does that make sense?

If he ASKS what you think of her, I might say that I love him so much that i want him to be with someone who loves him and treats him well, and sometimes I dont' see that and it worries me. But I wouldn't say too much more.

They'll probably break up and it will solve itself. Most 18 year olds do.

GOOD LUCK!

Lumpectomy 4/09, TCH 4/09-8/09, Rads 8/09-10/09 Herceptin 4/09-3/10,Tamoxifen 10/09 - 10/12. Cervical polyp from Tamox, had D&C - benign. Now on Arimidex 10/12. Total hysterectomy 4/13 Dx 3/2/2009, IDC, 2cm, Stage IIA, Grade 3, 0/2 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2+
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Apr 20, 2010 11:08AM - edited Apr 20, 2010 11:22AM by dlb823

c34 ~  Amy gave you some excellent advice!  Relationships at that age seldom last very long, and I wouldn't risk alienating him by saying anything negative about her or his choice.  And, at that age, what his friends think probably matters a lot more than what any parent or step parent thinks, so hopefully his friends will see her true colors and warn him if they feel it's necessary.  I would just be open, interested and available, but I would steer clear of any unsolicited advice or pointed observations.  Otherwise, I think you're right:  It might cause them to bond even more -- against you.  On the other hand, you mentioned that he's changed (although you didn't specify how), and I would not condone any manipulative, blatantly thoughtless or dangerous behavior from him either.  But I would probably want his Dad to deal with that, if necessary, just because you are the Step Mom.   

Another thing you might do if the relationship continues, is try get to know her a bit more.  She probably has family issues that have made her manipulative, and may really need and welcome an honest, straightforward, and caring motherly friend in her life.    

Good luck with your new role, and please keep us posted on what happens!     Deanna

Deanna "The soul would have no rainbow if the eyes had no tears" Native American proverb Dx 2/1/2008, 1cm, Stage IIA, Grade 3, 1/16 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Dx 1/3/2014, Stage IV

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