Topic: My husband cheated on me during my breast cancer treatment

Feb 17, 2014 11:54PM Moiralf wrote:

Yes, because even if he didn't cheat on you physically he cheating emotionally and mentally. That is still an affair.

I don't want to give him any outs here but men have great difficulty dealing with the ones they love getting sick.

They sometimes have few ways of dealing with their own pain and grief while feeling hopeless to relieve yours.

That's as much credit as I am prepared to give him. He failed to man up and be there for you when you needed him most. In no way is this your fault for being sick and going through the rigours of treatment. It wasn't up to you to be there for his needs. Sorry but for me right then it was all about you and he failed in his role. You were doing all you got to get better and that is enough, you actually needed him to be super on your side and not focus on his sorry feelings.

If he truly is a good man and you love him in spite of this major strumble he has taken, then I would suggest marriage counseling for both of you as a couple and individually. Also cancer/grief counselling for each of you. If he is truly struggling with coping with all this and watching you go through this without him "being able to fix it" as many men see their role, then he needs to find a way to deal with it in a health way. It isn't easy for our loved ones to walk alongside us but not be in a position to make it all better. For both of you to have somewhere to vent without the other having to witness it and take it on board as somehow their burden too is very freeing. Especially with someone trained in understanding cancer and it ongoing effects.

BUT, he has to truly buy into all this and commit to putting this behind you both and working damn hard at earning your trust again. To me it wouldn't be the lost of love but the loss of trust and loyalty. And he gets one chance, one poor lapse in judgement but it one strike and he's out. 

You need to be clear on what is important to you, what you want for the future and do you see him being in it and how do you see that working out. A number of women on these boards have found themselves in exactly the position you are. They have heaps of advice, but in the long run the choice is up to you. But one thing cancer has taught  me and many others too. I don't have time to waste on people who are not healthy to be in my life. I don't have time or energy to fix them either. Stand up and be with me or get out and let me find my own way.

In the Maori language of New Zealand they say: Kia Kaha-- Stay strong.

Moira

Feb 18, 2014 06:11AM Emma12 wrote:

dear Racy. Thank you for your reply. I believe in my heart that my marriage is worth saving. I have known my husband for nearly 20 years. I met him when I was 17 years old.  Dated for few and then married in 2003.  I still love him deeply and can't imagine my life without him. He tells me that's it's over and that the affair did not go that far, tells me that they held hands.  I questioned the sleeping with her part but got an abrupt NO. So I don't know if he has or not. I want to believe he has not.  I am still deeply hurt. 

Feb 18, 2014 10:19AM Hoolianama0508 wrote:

Emma, I am sorry this happened during such a difficult time. I wanted to share some thoughts with you that I hope will be supportive and encouraging.
Please don't put the blame on yourself. The responsibility lies with your husband and the other party. You faced all this treatment  surgery, and radiation, while raising 3 small children, and yet you didn't find someone else's "hand to hold." 

If you want to stay in the marriage and give your husband another chance, then I strongly suggest that you give him specific instructions that he should follow in order to gain your trust back. For example, no emails, no phone calls, no texting, no contact of any kind with this other person.  Your feelings should be his top priority. He should agree to couples counseling.

Feb 18, 2014 04:56PM Emma12 wrote:

a big HELLO. Thank you for your advice it means so much. I wish I had joined this forum a few weeks back, I wouldn't have felt so alone.  Your words of advice and encouragement is exactly what I need to hear. I draw strength and love from my 3 children and mostly from husband. When he was not there for me  while going thru the radiation mostly by myself and the kids, it killed me all over. My husband has apologized and said he is here for me know and forever. It's going to take a long time for me to trust him again. I lost trust in him and it's always on the back of my mind if his going to cheat on me or not.

Like you said my health and kids are my main priority.  Their love will get me thru this.  I am still so angry with my husband.  Finding the strength to move forward has been hard.

Feb 18, 2014 05:12PM Hoolianama0508 wrote:

Emma,

I would also like to add that a major part of the healing and forgiving process is to let go of any resentment you feel towards your husband and the other party involved. It may be difficult at first, but if you can get to a stage where you can honestly say, "I let go of any resentment I carry towards ___________ and ___________", I believe the trusting part can return to your relationship. This is extremely important for your health as well. Bottled up resentment is toxic, and you don't need that at all.

Another thought is to focus on what will always be true for you; you will always be a mother to your children, and you will also be a fighter and survivor of this diagnosis. 

Thinking back to my experience, I recall my husband being upset that some "friends" who were sympathetic to me when they saw me, would behind my back ask him if he needed "comfort".  Yes, there are individuals out there that just don't care. Their lives are messed up  and they want to mess up the lives of others.

Feb 19, 2014 01:21AM Moonflwr912 wrote:

Emma. Sometimes people want what we have for themselves..So they take the man away cause it gives them something to feel good about. What they don't realize is that they don't get what you had. Instead of a loving trustworthy man, they get a liar and a cheat. And unfortunately so do you. But because of the investment of time and effort you put into loving him you want to give him another chance. I don't blame you. But does he at least a knowledge that he hurt you and that he was wrong? That you needed him the most you ever did and he wasn't there for you? Whether Or not He had sex, It's the Emotional Lack that Hurt you. If you are satisfied that he a knowledge why you are so upset over his emotional affair then you have something to work with. 

I wish you the best of luck and pray you will be happy again. Much love. 

Feb 20, 2014 06:32AM april485 wrote:

(((Emma12))) So sorry sweetie. You deserved better than that. You have been given good advice above. The only thing I would add is to make sure you get some counseling specifically for you. The last thing you need is for this to eat at you when you need all of your strength to heal from your cancer. Take care of you first. Hugs.

Feb 25, 2014 01:00AM BanR wrote:

Good to hear from you Emma. As they say " All is well, that ends well" !!

Feb 26, 2014 02:51AM - edited Feb 26, 2014 03:17AM by BanR

emma: No, I am not a counsellor ... :) :)  Its just that in this short span of live, even I have dealt with all kinds of shocking people and situations. At the end, life is very very short and it is all about somehow keeping ourselves happy and moving on. And post this diagnosis of cancer, I realize this even more. 

Nov 26, 2019 11:59AM exbrnxgrl wrote:

cancer survivor,

This topic has been dormant for almost 5 years and the op hasn’t signed in for over 4 years. Excellent topic, perhaps start a new thread