Topic: My husband cheated on me during my breast cancer treatment

Forum: Family and Family Planning Matters — A comforting place to discuss planning a family, fertility concerns, parenting children, or relationship issues with partners, siblings, or parents following a diagnosis.

Posted on: Feb 17, 2014 10:53PM

Posted on: Feb 17, 2014 10:53PM

Emma12 wrote:

hi I am new to this forum. I need advice and someone to talk to. I am 36 yo with three children aged 9, 7 and 18 months old,was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer July  2013. I feel so alone. Had x2 operations, chemo, and recently finished all 25 radiations now taking  tamoxifen. My husband of ten year cheated on me  towards the end of my chemo treatment. The third party new I was sick.  She too is having martial problems and has two childrenonly found bc on my mother in law told me. When i confronted him he admitted to the affair but said it did not go that far, just holding hands, even said she makes him feel alive. I was gutted and my world can tumbling down. He threw ten yrs of marriage down the drain. He wants to make thing right by me and the kids. I am scared he will do it to me again. He is a good man and a good father to the kids. Could he have made this one mistake bc I was sick and not paying any attention to his feeling????? I don't. Know what to do for my sake and the kids. Is flirting and holding another woman's hands classed as having any affair??? 

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Feb 19, 2014 01:21AM moonflwr912 wrote:

Emma. Sometimes people want what we have for themselves..So they take the man away cause it gives them something to feel good about. What they don't realize is that they don't get what you had. Instead of a loving trustworthy man, they get a liar and a cheat. And unfortunately so do you. But because of the investment of time and effort you put into loving him you want to give him another chance. I don't blame you. But does he at least a knowledge that he hurt you and that he was wrong? That you needed him the most you ever did and he wasn't there for you? Whether Or not He had sex, It's the Emotional Lack that Hurt you. If you are satisfied that he a knowledge why you are so upset over his emotional affair then you have something to work with. 

I wish you the best of luck and pray you will be happy again. Much love. 

Sometimes life SUCKS! Sometimes it doesn't. I prefer when it doesn't! If you're ever bored, read my biography. Bring snacks..... LOL Monica Dx 11/11/2011, DCIS, Right, 1cm, Stage 0, Grade 3, 0/2 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 12/7/2011 Mastectomy; Mastectomy (Right); Prophylactic mastectomy; Prophylactic mastectomy (Left); Reconstruction (Left): Tissue Expander; Reconstruction (Right): Tissue Expander Dx 12/8/2011, IDC, 1cm, Stage IA, Grade 3, 0/2 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 1/16/2012 Reconstruction (Left) Targeted Therapy 2/15/2012 Herceptin (trastuzumab) Chemotherapy 2/15/2012 Carboplatin (Paraplatin), Taxotere (docetaxel) Surgery 8/12/2012 Reconstruction (Left): Tissue Expander Hormonal Therapy 8/19/2012 Arimidex (anastrozole) Surgery 9/9/2012 Reconstruction (Left) Surgery 8/13/2013 Reconstruction (Left): Tissue Expander Surgery 9/3/2013 Reconstruction (Left) Surgery 12/12/2013 Reconstruction (Left): Saline implant; Reconstruction (Right): Saline implant
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Feb 20, 2014 05:09AM Emma12 wrote:

hi all. Thanks for all the advice. You all make me realize that the emotional betrayal hurts way more then physical.  I will try not to think there was anything physical going on.  He  states that it's all over and that he realize that he was wrong and has chosen me and the kids over her.  I didn't think he had a choice I had always thought his mind and heart was with me and the kids.  At least his admitted and has come back to me I think that's counts for something?   Still reeling from the fact that he should have been my rock thru all this not out flirting with someone else.   You are truly right when I was going through all this treatments etcccccc... That what I need was his hand to hold. I did not once wanted to bail out of our marriage to go and hold another mans hand.

As for me forgiving him, I have told him I am willing to forgive but to forget I never will.   Yes I have given him specific instructions and hope he listens. It would not be reasonable for for me to ask for example not to call or  chat on face book etc... After all they work in the same shopping centre and her nail shop is only about 7 shops down from where he works.  I have asked him to walk a different route to get to his work place etc.. That is not too much to ask for I think in these circumstances.

The last few days I have seen him pay more attention to me which is a sign of change. For the better I hope. Fingers crossed

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Feb 20, 2014 06:32AM april485 wrote:

(((Emma12))) So sorry sweetie. You deserved better than that. You have been given good advice above. The only thing I would add is to make sure you get some counseling specifically for you. The last thing you need is for this to eat at you when you need all of your strength to heal from your cancer. Take care of you first. Hugs.

"Fear has been a huge dictator in my life - so I am trying to stage a coup!" ~ a friend Dx 1/30/2013, DCIS, <1cm, Stage 0, Grade 2, ER+/PR+ Surgery 2/21/2013 Lumpectomy: Left Surgery 3/11/2013 Lumpectomy: Left Radiation Therapy 4/22/2013 3DCRT: Breast Hormonal Therapy 6/20/2013 Aromasin (exemestane) Hormonal Therapy 1/2/2016 Femara (letrozole)
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Feb 24, 2014 10:52PM Emma12 wrote:

His everyone hope all is well.  Me and hubby have been doing okay. His been showing more affection towards me and now tells me he loves me every day.  I believe he wants to be with me and not just for the kids.   We celebrated our son's 9th birthday on the weekend and it went well.

I will still be keeping my eyes and ears open from now on.  I hope his changed for the better.  I believe I can move on now.....

Thanks for all your advice, it was good to hear from people you don't know! Then you get a good clear understanding of the situation from different point of views.  It has also helped my recover and heal.

Xoxoxoxox

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Feb 25, 2014 01:00AM banr wrote:

Good to hear from you Emma. As they say " All is well, that ends well" !!

Theory of randomness...so unfair! Dx 9/12/2013, IDC, 1cm, Stage I, Grade 3, 0/3 nodes, ER-/PR-, HER2- Surgery 9/30/2013 Lumpectomy; Lumpectomy (Right) Chemotherapy 11/6/2013 AC + T (Taxol) Radiation Therapy 3/11/2014
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Feb 26, 2014 01:38AM Emma12 wrote:

BanR. You give out such good advice. Are you a counseller by any chance hihihihihi?

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Feb 26, 2014 02:51AM - edited Feb 26, 2014 03:17AM by banr

emma: No, I am not a counsellor ... :) :)  Its just that in this short span of live, even I have dealt with all kinds of shocking people and situations. At the end, life is very very short and it is all about somehow keeping ourselves happy and moving on. And post this diagnosis of cancer, I realize this even more. 

Theory of randomness...so unfair! Dx 9/12/2013, IDC, 1cm, Stage I, Grade 3, 0/3 nodes, ER-/PR-, HER2- Surgery 9/30/2013 Lumpectomy; Lumpectomy (Right) Chemotherapy 11/6/2013 AC + T (Taxol) Radiation Therapy 3/11/2014
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Nov 26, 2019 10:33AM Cancersurvivor2017 wrote:

Just a little insight - there is a study out there that says the spouse of the patient takes twice as long to heal from the cancer than the patient themselves. The spouse goes through an incredible amount of stress

1. Dying wife of husband

2. keeping the house together

3. Keeping a job

4. medical benefits

I can tell you - your husband did think many times that he was not going to have a wife - as positive as he may have seemed inside he was dying - and most likely not thinking right - not himself - the one person in his life he loves the most was dying in his eyes and the PTSD that causes is immeasurable. He found comfort with another person unfortunately - at a time of death many people go though the biological need for that kind of contact - I am not excusing what he did, but was it really him or was it a facsimile of him. Counseling - find out what drove it before any decision are made. I realize it hurts but the man that did this may not be the man you married. stress changes brain chemistry, pain, anger - any escape from reality is considered to escape the pain he was feeling.


talk to him - counseling for both and him individually and you as well. You Can recover from this

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Nov 26, 2019 11:59AM exbrnxgrl wrote:

cancer survivor,

This topic has been dormant for almost 5 years and the op hasn’t signed in for over 4 years. Excellent topic, perhaps start a new thread

Dx IDC, Left, 4cm, Stage IV, Grade 1, ER+/PR+, HER2-

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