Topic: Having cancer and small children

Feb 17, 2016 11:33PM Tresjoli2 wrote:

so...I have a three year old. She was two when I was diagnosed. I also have a 9yo. First off, you can do this! Second, use your resources. If you call the American cancer society, they have great articles on how to share in an age appropriate way. The social worker at your hospital probably also has great books and resources for how to tell kids. Mine did. I waited until I knew my treatment plan before I said anything. I told my daughter I had a boo boo and the doctor had to give me medicine to make it better. I warned her the medicine would make my hair fall out, but I made a joke out of it. " can u believe that mommys medicine has to make her sick so she can get better? Crazy!" I made it silly, and that made her feel safe. I let her pick out my scarves each day for my head so she felt like she had an important job to do each day

There is also a practical side to this. I started teaching my daughter how to climb into the car seat all by herself. I taught her how to climb onto the change table, and put the change table next to her bed. I bought a large play fence so I could set her safely inside when I needed to rest. I put drinks in a low drawer in the fridge and taught her how to get a juice box on her own. You won't be able to lift after surgery. I trained her to rest her head on my "good side" not my " port side".

Just do the best you can. She ate too many chicken nuggets. She watched too much tv. We stayed in bed all day sometimes. I would drag toys into bed with us.

i won't lie. It was hard. It was actually harder for her than for my older child, because he could ask questions and understand the answers. She couldn't, but you will make it work mama! You will be amazed at how you rise to the occasion. Hugs. Pm me anytime!

Feb 18, 2016 10:23AM Zillsnot4me wrote:

it is doable and they will take their cue from you. Mine were one and four when I was dx. The one year old became independent fast. Stools everywhere so she could climb. My four year old loved to climb on the coffee table so he could help me get in my robe. We got "summer" haircuts before mine fell out.

Let people help. Don't worry about balanced meals. Eat whatever sounds good. It's only six months and won't hurt either one of you. I told my friends and family I needed help with cleaning house, cooking meals and bathing the kids. I wanted to save my energy to play.

I was folding clothes as physical therapy sooner than expected. My four year old was my coach and helped count with the exercises. I wiped down the coffee table every day and changed hand towels every day. Rule was everyone must wash hands as soon as they come inside. Period.

Fill a couple pencil/shoeboxes with special toys or snacks to pull out either in bed or on the couch for those really bad times. Goldfish, Cheerios, little cars, those markers that color onspecial paper, stickers, seek n find books. We watched a lot of tv too.

Our family pic from that year has me bald. The now four year old will ask about it. Mommy took some strong meds. She doesn't really remember.

I'm back at that same place again. I wear a mask to school. Gotten a summer haircut but seriously thinking about some wild color for however long it will last. My now seven year old still says mommys on strong meds. My four year old climbs in bed with me and brings her barbies or books. We listen to books on tape. Not so much tv as leap pads. I have freezer meals or microwave pancakes or cereal on bad nights.

It's doable. The first round is hard because you're scared and don't know what to expect. It gets easier. You will endure whatever you have to for your child. They don't know any different and will adjust just fine. You can still be affectionate. Put a pillow between you in the beginning. The baby and I played footsie because I didn't want germs in the beginning. We still play footsie. It's our thing:)

Keep in touch.

Feb 25, 2016 11:44PM heidi16 wrote:

Zillsnot4me: Thank you for terrific advice. Not fretting about perfectly balanced meals and saving energy for play is a very good idea indeed. I will start to practice footsie with my baby tomorrow :) I am so sorry that you had a recurrence...but you are lucky to have family/friends to help. Lots of hugs and healing vibes your way <3

Mods: Thank you! Great article

Jun 16, 2020 10:13AM - edited Jun 16, 2020 10:18AM by Each_day_2018

Mine weren't toddlers when I was diagnosed, but they were young... 4, 7, 8. Mom guilt is real and doesn't ever go away. I am not a 'kid' person either. While I fully believe that the interactions we have with our kids at any age can shape them as they grow, I will say, even my now 10 year old is completely un-phased by my illness. I think he took it the hardest when I was so sick from chemo that I couldn't even leave my bed; so the fact that he has nearly forgotten the days I couldn't be engaged with him brings me some relief from my guilt. My other two can't even remember. Now, after working from home through COVID, I have new guilt for just being away. Don't let that guilt consume you. Instead of play time, spend time watching a movie together and cuddling or reading a book or a walk around the block. Your daughter won't remember everything you did or what things you played; but she will remember you were there.

Jun 16, 2020 06:37PM - edited Jun 16, 2020 06:41PM by beeline

Seilien, I completely agree with what Each_day and Lexica said, but also want to add that you have done a good thing by giving your daughter a "village." That's the way I came to think of the friends who constantly watched my kids and brought meals, etc. I think there's a real upside to our children knowing there is a community around them who loves them and will look after them, not just their parents. That said, I also felt guilty through the whole thing and have also never been a pretend-player. I am better at projects and as they get older it's easier to do those kind of things with them. You have time to build that relationship and find things you like doing together. And my kids have all but forgotten that I was so sick, even though I only finished treatment a bit over a year ago.

Lexica - just have to say I love the daddy makeover with wigs idea! How funny!

Edited to add - parenting during a pandemic has been super hard for me and all the parents I know but especially for my friends with toddler aged kids. Not being able to go to the playground or blow off steam with friends is really tough, even more so when the kids are too young to understand why.

Sep 9, 2020 12:45PM - edited Sep 9, 2020 12:50PM by Seilien

I just wanted to update my situation. I have not been able to actively play with my 2 yr old but family really has come often and makes my daughter happy. Unfortunately it is a lot for my husband but maybe its just good bonding for my daughter and everyone else. She visits me in bed a lot and understands I'm sick. She has become very independent in terms of play and bathroom.

I usually feel guilty or too tired which is also guiltying. I'm trying to slowly increase my energy.