Topic: I feel guilty complaining

Forum: Family and Family Planning Matters — A comforting place to discuss planning a family, fertility concerns, parenting children, or relationship issues with partners, siblings, or parents following a diagnosis.

Posted on: Mar 20, 2019 08:04AM - edited Mar 20, 2019 08:09AM by Via

Posted on: Mar 20, 2019 08:04AM - edited Mar 20, 2019 08:09AM by Via

Via wrote:

Do to the fact that my cancer came back not aggressive and we found it so early. I don't need any chemo or radiation. I only need hormone therapy and I don't feel I can open up to anyone on what am going trough. Its hard to complain about the surgery and the recovery that has been so painful to other. It seems my journey is a walk in the park because I won’t be having chemo or radiation. But, personally it has not been easy. My husband wants me to go to a group to talk to people other with cancer because I've been crying and I have felt no one understands what I'm going through.

But, how can I go to a group and complain or open up when I'm sure some others have to go through horrible treatment and I have none and here I am complaining. It does not seem right. But, I feel that this journey is hard even if I don't need treatment and the reconstruction of the breast is so painful and a life changing experience. I do feel alone in this journey. Not sure if someone else is in this lonely boat with me. That feel guilty of getting such good news I don’t need treatment. Anyone?


Via


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Mar 21, 2019 04:21AM Via wrote:

thank you for the hug! Your message helped me

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Mar 21, 2019 07:15PM denise-g wrote:

You know, I think that is a great idea to start a FB group for women who did not need extensive treatment. Cancer is cancer and it hurts and is emotionally draining and scary. And recurrence fears are always real no matter what! I have heard from a lot of women through the years who have suffered with the guilt you all have talked about here. Some where to get even more support would be a great benefit to so many.



www.denise4health.wordpress.com my BC Blog with over 200 informative posts about all aspects of BC - stop by! Myself, my mom, and sister were all diagnosed with BC within 3 years. What a ride! Dx 10/10/2011, IDC, Left, 6cm+, Stage IIIA, Grade 2, 9/14 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 11/23/2011 Lymph node removal; Lymph node removal (Left): Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy; Mastectomy (Left) Chemotherapy 12/27/2011 AC + T (Taxol) Targeted Therapy 2/28/2012 Herceptin (trastuzumab) Hormonal Therapy 10/11/2012 Arimidex (anastrozole)
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Mar 21, 2019 08:32PM hapa wrote:

Join a group for survivors. I think the psychological SEs of cancer are way worse than any treatment related ones. I would not deny you my sympathy just because I went through more treatment than you, especially now since treatment is over. I sometimes think that I'd trade places with people with lower grade cancers who got to keep their boobs and lymph nodes, but I certainly don't think they don't deserve as much support as I do. It's not the treatment that I need support for, it's the risk of recurrence hanging over my head, and not being able to ignore my own mortality anymore that I need support for.

Dx 3/20/2018, IDC, Right, 3cm, Stage IIIA, 3/18 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Targeted Therapy 3/28/2018 Herceptin (trastuzumab) Targeted Therapy 3/28/2018 Perjeta (pertuzumab) Chemotherapy 3/28/2018 Carboplatin (Paraplatin), Taxotere (docetaxel) Surgery 8/22/2018 Lymph node removal; Lymph node removal (Right): Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy; Mastectomy (Right); Prophylactic mastectomy; Prophylactic mastectomy (Left); Reconstruction (Left): Silicone implant; Reconstruction (Right): Silicone implant Radiation Therapy 10/22/2018 Whole breast: Lymph nodes, Chest wall Hormonal Therapy 12/21/2018 Arimidex (anastrozole), Zoladex (goserelin) Targeted Therapy Nerlynx
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Mar 21, 2019 08:50PM rachelcarter35 wrote:

Cancer sucks no matter the stage or grade and deserves its due raging and frustration. I personally feel changed for life. Some of it is a new underlying fear that I don't think ever goes away. But also I never knew how much I want to be alive and that part is cool.

Dx 2/21/2018, DCIS/IDC, Both breasts, 2cm, Stage IIA, Grade 3, 0/5 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-, Surgery 4/24/2018 Mastectomy: Left, Right; Reconstruction (left): Nipple reconstruction, Nipple tattoo, Silicone implant, Tissue expander placement; Reconstruction (right): Nipple reconstruction, Nipple tattoo, Silicone implant, Tissue expander placement Chemotherapy 6/15/2018 Cytoxan (cyclophosphamide), Taxotere (docetaxel) Hormonal Therapy Tamoxifen pills (Nolvadex, Apo-Tamox, Tamofen, Tamone) Targeted Therapy Chemotherapy
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Mar 21, 2019 10:21PM alicebastable wrote:

I've never felt the need for a support group, just an occasional vent. Besides, I'd have to pick a cancer and I wouldn't know which one! I have looked for multiple primary cancer forums but they don't exist under that name or any name I can think of. I'd really like to connect with other medical weirdos.

Ignore treatment info (below) which is a BCO glitch. Do not enter personal information on this site since they grossly mishandled a data breach. Surgery 7/11/2018 Lumpectomy; Lumpectomy (Left); Lymph node removal Surgery 8/8/2018 Radiation Therapy 10/29/2018 Whole breast: Breast, Lymph nodes
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Mar 23, 2019 04:27AM Via wrote:

I started one on FB is call “Cancer but NOT so bad cancer if you are interested in looking for it ;)

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Apr 3, 2019 06:44AM - edited Apr 3, 2019 07:24AM by divinemrsm

Believe it or not, some people think I should go around feeling only gratitude because I've had a good response to treatment for metastatic breast cancer. You know, that kind of blind mentality “be glad you're alive!" Please. I feel a whole mixture of emotions. I’m sure you do, too, even tho our situatiins are different.

I read an article about a new book (written by a therapist) called “Maybe You Should Talk To Somebody". (I plan to read the book). — “With startling wisdom and humor, Gottlieb invites us into her world as both clinician and patient, examining the truths and fictions we tell ourselves and others as we teeter on the tightrope between love and desire, meaning and mortality, guilt and redemption, terror and courage, hope and change.

She discusses how people tend to minimize pain, and here is an except from her book:

“On her belief that there's no hierarchy of pain:

As a therapist in therapy, I feel like often we minimize our problems. You know, "It was a breakup, not a divorce." It's kind of like people who have a miscarriage but they didn't lose a child who was 8 years old. They're these silent losses. ... I don't think there's a hierarchy of pain. ... Pain is pain.

So even when I was seeing this woman who was dying of cancer, for example, and [she] was in her 30s and newly married and all of a sudden she was dealing with this horrible life situation, and then I'd have to go to a session where someone says, "My husband never initiates sex" or "The babysitter's stealing from me." I used to worry that I would not take their problems as seriously. But what I realized is that usually the thing that they're having a problem with is indicative of a deeper pain. What does it mean to be rejected or unloved by your partner? What does it mean when someone betrays your trust?

I think that often we minimize our problems. We think, "Well, yeah, I've been sad for two months, but it's not that big of a deal because I have all these other great things in my life. I have a roof over my head, and I have a family" and whatever you might have.

But pain is pain."


found lump 12-22-10—ilc—er+/pr+/her2—stage iv bone mets—chemo~lumpectomy~radiation~arimidex—March 2019-ibrance/aromasin* —Sept 2019-verzenio* —March 2020-xeloda*
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Apr 3, 2019 04:17PM alicebastable wrote:

DivineMrsM, that sounds like a great book. One thing that's been taken from all of us is normal perspective, and we'll never get that back.

Ignore treatment info (below) which is a BCO glitch. Do not enter personal information on this site since they grossly mishandled a data breach. Surgery 7/11/2018 Lumpectomy; Lumpectomy (Left); Lymph node removal Surgery 8/8/2018 Radiation Therapy 10/29/2018 Whole breast: Breast, Lymph nodes
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Apr 3, 2019 07:44PM - edited Apr 3, 2019 07:49PM by divinemrsm

Another aspect of this is that, as women, the issues we deal with in general are often minimized, sometimes trivialized and not given priority, We're often taught to say things like “It's okay." “I'm alright." and we’re often expected to take care of others and not so much ourselves. I can remember at a support group I went to briefly that the women there told me it was time to be selfish and take care of me. Gradually, I’ve gotten better at it, listening to my own intuition and feelings.

Via, a really good outlet is journaling. Every day, write three pages of whatever you're feeling. No one ever has to see what you write. It's a very therapeutic exercise, and especially when I go through really rough patches, writing helps. It helps us collect our thoughts, organize them and get in touch with all that we're feeling.


found lump 12-22-10—ilc—er+/pr+/her2—stage iv bone mets—chemo~lumpectomy~radiation~arimidex—March 2019-ibrance/aromasin* —Sept 2019-verzenio* —March 2020-xeloda*
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Apr 3, 2019 09:02PM divinemrsm wrote:

I guess I have a lot to say about this, (haha) But I feel like getting a cancer diagnosis, whatever the type or stage or method of treatment, but what it does is destroys our sense of well-being, Kind of like “we’re not in Kansas any more.” The landscape has changed, and we are changed by this occurance in our lives. We grow, change and adapt, but it takes time, understanding and patience.

found lump 12-22-10—ilc—er+/pr+/her2—stage iv bone mets—chemo~lumpectomy~radiation~arimidex—March 2019-ibrance/aromasin* —Sept 2019-verzenio* —March 2020-xeloda*

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