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Topic: Hurt feelings

Forum: Family and Family Planning Matters —

A comforting place to discuss planning a family, fertility concerns, parenting children, or relationship issues with partners, siblings, or parents following a diagnosis.

Posted on: Apr 20, 2019 07:38AM - edited Apr 20, 2019 07:40AM by Sattaylor

Sattaylor wrote:

My daughter and I have always been close, and I have always been supportive during any bad times she has went through. I was diagnosed a few weeks ago and will have surgery this coming week. After telling her the.news a few weeks ago she has not mentioned it one time since. We talk on the phone almost everyday. Yesterday I was having a rough day as I had to pay a large amount of medical and other bills plus I'm really scared about the surgery. She told me to stop the pity party. I was so upset I did not even know what to say. I'm so upset about her attitude towards me and told her so. She said if I did not like it that maybe I should not come over to her house for Easter. So I guess I'm not going.

My question is. Many people I tell about my diagnosis have some story about how they know someone who had breast cancer and they are just fine. They are very dismissive like it's nothing more than having a bad cold. I understand there are many things that are being done, and this is not necessarily a death sentence. Is there anything I can say to someone who gives me the response, “Oh, my friends sister had breast cancer, she is just fine"? I'm feeling like people just want to dismiss my devastation over this diagnosis and act like it's no big deal. Any suggestions?

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Apr 20, 2019 08:24AM Runrcrb wrote:

I am sorry you are not getting the support you want from your daughter and friends. I found that many people don’t know how to respond to another’s cancer diagnosis. Oddly more of my friends wanted to talk about it than I did. You can’t control others; I suggest trying to focus on what you need right now and let go of other’s reactions. This online community can provide some support. It won’t be the same as people you know but we get it like no one else does.

Dx 6/27/2016, IDC, Right, 1cm, Stage IIB, Grade 1, 4/10 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Dx 6/27/2016, ILC/IDC, Right, 2cm, Stage IIB, Grade 1, 4/10 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 9/21/2016 Lymph node removal: Right; Mastectomy: Right; Reconstruction (right): Tissue expander placement Chemotherapy 10/31/2016 Cytoxan (cyclophosphamide), Taxotere (docetaxel) Radiation Therapy 2/8/2017 Whole-breast: Breast, Lymph nodes, Chest wall Hormonal Therapy 4/22/2017 Aromasin (exemestane) Surgery 12/12/2017 Reconstruction (right): DIEP flap
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Apr 20, 2019 09:07AM BellasMomToo wrote:

So sorry about your daughter's attitude. I think she's trying to be in denial.

I know what you mean about people being dismissive. Some people don't want to say something pessimistic and others are being dismissive. So sometimes I ask questions, such as "what kind of BC did so-and-so have?" , "was it DCIS or IDC or something else"? , "was so-and-so hormone negative or hormone positive"?, "what treatment did so-and-so have"?

I'm always interested in knowing what type of BC someone had. Unfortunately, these people never know the details of so-and-so's BC. And for those who are intentionally dismissive, these questions often show them how little they know about BC (and they usually keep their mouths shut).

Dx'd at age 56. Tumor found by my annual mammogram -- cancer can grow fast! Dx 10/6/2016, IDC, Left, 2cm, Grade 2, 0/1 nodes, ER-/PR-, HER2+ (IHC) Dx 10/6/2016, DCIS, Left, Stage 0, ER+/PR- Targeted Therapy 11/2/2016 Herceptin (trastuzumab) Chemotherapy 11/2/2016 Carboplatin (Paraplatin), Taxotere (docetaxel) Targeted Therapy 11/2/2016 Perjeta (pertuzumab) Surgery 3/27/2017 Lymph node removal: Sentinel; Mastectomy: Left
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Apr 20, 2019 10:15AM Spookiesmom wrote:

Sounds like your DD is totally shaken with your dx. She’s suddenly aware her mom is human, this is serious and she doesn’t know how to deal with it. Mine kind of went off the deep end with my second dx. It’s getting better for both of us now. I tell her the latest developments and change the subject.

As for the nosey people, only tell them what you want to. Even if you are feeling horrible, try to smile and lie. Or give them the whole nitty gritty till their eyes glaze over. That should teach them😂. It’s up to you.

Reoccurrence 3-19. Dx IDC, Stage IIIA, Grade 3
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Apr 20, 2019 12:23PM - edited Apr 20, 2019 12:28PM by princessfluffybritches

sattaylor, denial brings on odd behaviors sometimes. You say you 2 are close, I think that makes it worse. Denial may cause her anger and thoughts about how "her" life will change. She may be used to her being the one as the receiver of support-not the other way around.

We all know how you feel and what you'll be going through. So don't go to easter and don't call her. Silence speaks much louder than negative words. Hopefully it will wake her up to your needs. If she questions your silence tell the truth, that you need to avoid negativity and thoughtless comments to focus on your surgery and disease and how you will get through with positive thoughts and support.

I have an extremely supportive sister , and parents who worry about who will take care of them and have tried manipulation and negativity and guilt to get me not to move away from them to live close to my daughter. Long story. But the support from my sister really exposes the behavior of those I should avoid.

Think about your well being and don't lower your voice! Those who truly love you will see the error of their ways


Surgery 7/13/2018 Targeted Therapy 7/14/2018 Ibrance (palbociclib) Hormonal Therapy 7/14/2018 Femara (letrozole) Dx 7/21/2018, ILC, Left, Stage IV, metastasized to bone/other, Grade 2, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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Apr 20, 2019 12:47PM princessfluffybritches wrote:

I just love those dismissive remarks about my cancer like it's no big deal and I will get over it. So I tell as few as possible because I don't want to hear thoughtless remarks. I don't know how to reply to that either, I tend to just stop talking with them and possibly remove myself from the conversation. I wish I had a snappy or snarky come back to dumb remarks.

Surgery 7/13/2018 Targeted Therapy 7/14/2018 Ibrance (palbociclib) Hormonal Therapy 7/14/2018 Femara (letrozole) Dx 7/21/2018, ILC, Left, Stage IV, metastasized to bone/other, Grade 2, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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Apr 20, 2019 11:37PM santabarbarian wrote:

I had the situation of feeling a *moderate* lack of support from my oldest, who is my step daughter whom I love very much, and whose mother passed away from BC about 5 years ago. She sort of withdrew. It was subtle. I really saw it was her mind seizing up with fear over another death (the only version of "I have cancer" she knows). Her mother was stage 4 de novo and had about seven years before she died. So the second assumption she probably made was, "this will be years before it gets serious; I better pace myself." I had a totally different cancer/stage than her bio mom but of course it is still natural that her mind would go to what it knew already. On top of all this, denial is part of her coping strategies.

I understood why she was a deer in headlights, and I did not take it personally. I had a very good response to treatment and things are back to normal for me. Very happy there is no issue between us because she is very dear to me!

SO... I would go the opposite direction.... attend Easter, be loving, bring a dish, happy attitude, and give her a huge hug.... and do not mention the cancer any more, unless she asks, or unless there is specific news (staging, treatment plan) to deliver. Keep it light and minimal. She will process things in her own time and ask questions.

You may have a great response and have decades more together, or you may not. I would play my cards as if this were a last easter to be remembered by and feel lucky if I get 15 more.

The only thing I can think of that would be worse than cancer is to be estranged from a child. If you two have been close in the past, and if she's basically a good egg in melt down, let it go.

pCR after neoadjuvant chemo w/ integrative practices; Proton rads. Dx 7/13/2018, IDC, Left, 3cm, Stage IIB, Grade 3, ER-/PR-, HER2- (FISH) Chemotherapy 8/12/2018 Carboplatin (Paraplatin), Taxotere (docetaxel) Surgery 12/27/2018 Lumpectomy: Left Radiation Therapy 2/10/2019 Whole-breast: Breast, Lymph nodes
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Apr 20, 2019 11:48PM - edited Apr 20, 2019 11:49PM by santabarbarian

And on dumb positive comments, I'd say, "How wonderful for your sister; I sure hope I get that outcome." They are not dismissing you, but rather (awkwardly) trying to encourage you (and end the discomfort of the conversation). You can reply however you want but I believe you can be real and cheerful and not shame the dumb comment, but read its subtitles and take the encouragement that underlies it.

When it is a closer friend, be more honest. "It's great for your Aunt and I hope I get the same, but I am terrified I might not, and I need to be able to talk about that too..."

pCR after neoadjuvant chemo w/ integrative practices; Proton rads. Dx 7/13/2018, IDC, Left, 3cm, Stage IIB, Grade 3, ER-/PR-, HER2- (FISH) Chemotherapy 8/12/2018 Carboplatin (Paraplatin), Taxotere (docetaxel) Surgery 12/27/2018 Lumpectomy: Left Radiation Therapy 2/10/2019 Whole-breast: Breast, Lymph nodes
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Apr 21, 2019 12:33AM sbelizabeth wrote:

Our input here is necessarily in the dark! We don't know what your daughter is generally like in response to life in general. Is she ordinarily compassionate and sympathetic when others are going through a rough patch? Is she narcissistic and self-centered, demanding more from others than she's willing to give herself?

You need supportive and caring people right now. It's your turn to receive. If you have the sense that you're going to need to soothe and pet and reassure your daughter through this, putting up with insensitive remarks and a dismissive attitude toward your needs, you might be better backing off from the relationship for a bit. On the other hand...and this is important...long, bitter, painful estrangements between family members can arise from a single incident that just escalates because of pride. No one wants to be the one to break the coldness and reach out.

It's your call. And don't hesitate to consult a counselor if things remain weird. There are a lot of free or insurance-covered services if you need them.

pinkribbonandwheels.wordpress.... Dx 10/20/2011, IDC/IBC, Left, 1cm, Stage IIIA, Grade 2, 6/28 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Chemotherapy 12/15/2011 Adriamycin (doxorubicin), Cytoxan (cyclophosphamide), Taxotere (docetaxel) Surgery 4/18/2012 Mastectomy: Left Radiation Therapy 5/21/2012 Breast, Lymph nodes Hormonal Therapy 7/19/2012 Femara (letrozole) Surgery 4/15/2013 Reconstruction (left): DIEP flap; Reconstruction (right): DIEP flap
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Apr 21, 2019 12:38AM sbelizabeth wrote:

With my wretched diagnosis of Stage III with many nodes I kinda appreciated it when people would relate success stories! Seems like more often it was oh, my aunt/sister/mom/secretary had breast cancer and she died. Ugh. I learned to walk away from those conversations.

Most often I just didn't want to talk about it. Sometimes people would want the grisly details that I didn't care to share. There's a big difference between empathy and nosiness.


pinkribbonandwheels.wordpress.... Dx 10/20/2011, IDC/IBC, Left, 1cm, Stage IIIA, Grade 2, 6/28 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Chemotherapy 12/15/2011 Adriamycin (doxorubicin), Cytoxan (cyclophosphamide), Taxotere (docetaxel) Surgery 4/18/2012 Mastectomy: Left Radiation Therapy 5/21/2012 Breast, Lymph nodes Hormonal Therapy 7/19/2012 Femara (letrozole) Surgery 4/15/2013 Reconstruction (left): DIEP flap; Reconstruction (right): DIEP flap
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Apr 21, 2019 02:29AM - edited Apr 21, 2019 02:39AM by Sattaylor

I guess my daughter is always use to me being the strong person and the person she runs to when she has problems. I'm always here for her and will sit and listen to her problems regardless of how serious or frivolous they are. I have noticed in the last couple of years she has become very self centered and has a tendency to just actlike she does not have time for others when they need her. Yet she expects others to pay attention when she has problems. I'm very disappointed in her behavior and this has sealed it for me. I think I just need to distance myself from her a little because this is very upsetting to me.

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Apr 21, 2019 03:26AM cassiecanada wrote:

Hi Sattaylor I know exactly how you feel. My diagnosis and my reaction to hearing the report is still so vivid.( jan-2019) Now it is April, and one of the things I have come to see is that people react differently to hearing the news. A few friends who shrugged it off as a common treatable thing- told me later they felt sick about it- people naturally want to make you feel its ok-by showing strength and giving what may seem like a cavalier response- your daughter may be fearful - maybe this toughness is her way to try and get you to also “ tough it up”-truly believing this will help return you to the mom she knows and wants back- which is easier said than done- and quite frankly, can seem hurtul- but i really doubt that your daughter is trying to be hurtful nor is she uncaring- but rather, finding her path to coping, too. I know my daughter had highs and lows as well. We are fine now- and you and your daughter will be as well I am sure


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Apr 21, 2019 03:28AM Mavericksmom wrote:

Time doesn't heal all wounds, but it sure can add perspective.  I understand where you are coming from, I have a daughter who tends to be like that sometimes. Sounds like distance may be exactly what you need now.  We are so used to putting everyone else first, it is really hard to put ourselves first, but when diagnosed with cancer, that is exactly what we need to do. 

You will find a lot of support here! I know I did and continue to.  I also found the most helpful information that took away a great deal of stress, all because someone here found an article and took the time to attach a link or post about it.  

My daughter is the same as yours at times.  I wanted to tell her things and finally gave up because every time I mentioned something she didn't like, she would say something hurtful. (she has a family of her own) I learned to ignore that behavior, realizing that the only actions I can control are mine. I don't think my daughter even realized that things she said were so hurtful.  I know she loves me, we have a very close bond, so I don't confide my feelings about cancer to her, I confide in my sisters instead. I only talk about cancer with my daughter when she brings it up and I only say enough to answer whatever question she has. 

Sending you wishes for a successful surgery experience this week!  Remember, the members here care and understand!

Dx 6/6/2003, IDC, Left, 1cm, Stage IA, Grade 1, 0/24 nodes, ER+/PR+ Dx 12/4/2018, ILC, Left, 1cm, Grade 2, ER+/PR+, HER2- (FISH)
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Apr 21, 2019 03:54AM wallan wrote:

Sattaylor:

Hugs to you and I am so sorry you have to go thru this whole ordeal. It definitely is devastating and frightening.

When I had my first bout of BC, my family who I thought I was close to, basically were not there for me at all. This in itself was devastating. I have heard the stories of, people can't handle it, they don't know what to say.... blah, blah, blah. But the truth at that time was it was hurtful to have people who I thought I could look to for support were not there. I did not care about their perspective, I must say. I always believed close family were there for you. I was shocked when that wasn't the case.

13 years later I had another bout of BC and again, my family were not there. I wasn't devastated this time about that though because I didn't expect them to be. They showed their true colors first time. But I did have support this time from a very dear friend and this made my ordeal much easier to bear. Plus, I had this site.

Its been 15 years now since I was dx with BC, and I am still dealing with the aftereffects. BC is not just a cold that you will get over. It definitely changes your life. You will reach a new normal. you will adapt because us humans do that. I think the relationship with your daughter will be changed forever now to, for better or worse. That is what BC does. It changes everything - your perspective, your anxiety, your body, your sleep, your joy, your meaning in what you do, and you find out who is really there for you.

God bless and I hope you keep coming back to these boards. You will find support here.

Hugs again. Let us know how your surgery goes.

wallan

Dx 3/29/2004, IDC, Right, 6cm+, Stage IIIA, Grade 3, 2/18 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 3/31/2004 Lymph node removal: Right, Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy: Right Chemotherapy 5/31/2004 AC + T (Taxol) Radiation Therapy 11/30/2004 Whole-breast: Breast, Lymph nodes, Chest wall Dx 1/25/2017, LCIS/DCIS/ILC/IDC/IDC: Mucinous/IDC: Cribriform, Left, <1cm, Stage IB, Grade 2, 0/4 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 3/7/2017 Lymph node removal: Sentinel; Mastectomy: Left; Reconstruction (left): Tissue expander placement; Reconstruction (right): Fat grafting Hormonal Therapy Aromasin (exemestane), Tamoxifen pills (Nolvadex, Apo-Tamox, Tamofen, Tamone)
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Apr 24, 2019 12:02AM claireinaz wrote:

I had two of my best friends who got mad at me because I asked them to call my husband or updates or visit my caringbridge.org journal site to find out how I was during tx instead. I explained that when they called and wanted an update sometimes I didn't want to review the storyline because I might not be thinking about the dx, and I needed those times when I wasn't thinking of it, for my overall mental health. Two years after tx ended one of them still told me how hurt she was that I "cut her off" during that time. She was a 55 year old woman! We are friends now, but I was pretty shocked by her reaction when I was fighting for my life.

I also had people tell me horror stories about their relative that died from BC, so after the first few weeks I stopped engaging people I didn't trust in my news. I also was very careful talking to patients in the "chemo room", since a few of them shared their own horror stories of Stage IV or recurrence and scared me.

This time in our lives is SURVIVAL. Do what you have to do to protect yourself, and relationships will sort themselves out in time. I always said if you scratch anger deeply enough you'll always find fear underneath. If someone acts angry about something, they are really covering up fear about something they are feeling and anger is the topmost reaction of that deep-seated fear. That doesn't justify your daughter's reaction, but she's sure afraid, from what I can see.

Hugs,

Claire in AZ

9/29/11 ILC, 2 c. stage II grade 1, ER/PR+ HER2-, 6/11 nodes, lumpectomy, DDAC x 4, Taxol x 12, 33 rads, Tamoxifen/arimidex/aromasin, BMX/immed recon 7/3/13 "In the midst of winter, I found in me an invincible summer.” Albert Camus
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Apr 24, 2019 01:48AM kber wrote:

I also had a few friends who wouldn't read my caringbridge stuff, thinking I owed them a personalized update or something.  I tried once or twice to explain that retelling my story was emotionally exhausting, that caringbridge would have the basics, and I'd be happy to talk through deeper details with them at some point when I had the strength.  Neither one took the hint so they have to get their information elsewhere.  I mean, I don't deliberately withhold info to be spiteful.  I just don't have the energy to take care of their emotional needs right now.  Hopefully when I'm out of active treatment I'll re-engage and be able to be the supportive friend they are used to.  I actually like being in a supporting role and I miss it.  But like the flight attendants say, you need to put on your own mask before helping others.  

Dx 11/2018, IDC, Left, 5cm, Stage IIB, ER-/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 12/6/2018 Adriamycin (doxorubicin), Carboplatin (Paraplatin), Cytoxan (cyclophosphamide), Taxol (paclitaxel) Surgery 5/27/2019 Mastectomy: Left; Prophylactic mastectomy: Right Radiation Therapy 7/16/2019 Whole-breast: Breast, Lymph nodes, Chest wall
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Apr 24, 2019 05:30PM WC3 wrote:

That was very insensitive of your daughter. I am wondering if she might be upset with you over something.

People generally seem to like to share that they know of someone who had cancer, and the outcome of that, when the subject is brought up.

Pathologic complete response (pCR) to chemotherapy. Dx 2018, IDC, Left, 3cm, Grade 3, ER+/PR+, HER2+ (FISH) Chemotherapy 6/1/2018 Carboplatin (Paraplatin), Taxotere (docetaxel) Surgery 11/15/2018 Lymph node removal: Left, Sentinel; Mastectomy: Left, Right; Reconstruction (left): Tissue expander placement; Reconstruction (right): Tissue expander placement Targeted Therapy Perjeta (pertuzumab) Targeted Therapy Herceptin (trastuzumab) Hormonal Therapy Tamoxifen pills (Nolvadex, Apo-Tamox, Tamofen, Tamone) Surgery Reconstruction (left): Silicone implant; Reconstruction (right): Silicone implant
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Apr 24, 2019 11:02PM claireinaz wrote:

kber, I felt similarly as you. I was the one in need of emotional support during tx, yet some of my friends believed I should be the one to reassure them I would be okay instead of the other way around.

I've grown away from one of them over the years, and am still friends with the other, having forgiven her for her selfishness, but a bit more wary now.

People are just plain confounding sometimes.

Claire in AZ

9/29/11 ILC, 2 c. stage II grade 1, ER/PR+ HER2-, 6/11 nodes, lumpectomy, DDAC x 4, Taxol x 12, 33 rads, Tamoxifen/arimidex/aromasin, BMX/immed recon 7/3/13 "In the midst of winter, I found in me an invincible summer.” Albert Camus
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May 9, 2019 08:25AM DawnS1962 wrote:

Test

Dx 1/25/2019, IDC, Right, 3cm, Stage IIB, Grade 2, ER+/PR+, HER2+ (IHC) Chemotherapy 2/28/2019 AC + T (Taxol) Chemotherapy 2/28/2019 AC Targeted Therapy 4/25/2019 Herceptin (trastuzumab) Surgery 8/8/2019 Lymph node removal: Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy: Right; Reconstruction (right): Tissue expander placement Dx 8/16/2019, DCIS, Right, <1cm, Stage 0, ER+/PR+, HER2+ Targeted Therapy Perjeta (pertuzumab)
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May 9, 2019 08:34AM Toyamjj wrote:

One of my besties who has been very supportive and loving made a comment to me after I completed treatment "You breezed through cancer" it kind of hurt my feelings and I know she didn't mean anything by it. Sorry your daughter said that, my guess is that it easier for her to think this is easy for you to beat as a way of her not being so scared and terrified?

DX at age 44 Oncotype 22 Dx 1/4/2019, Right, 2cm, Stage IIA, Grade 2, 0/2 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 1/30/2019 Lumpectomy: Right; Lymph node removal: Sentinel Hormonal Therapy 3/1/2019 Radiation Therapy 3/13/2019 Hormonal Therapy 5/1/2019 Arimidex (anastrozole)
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May 9, 2019 08:43AM ipenelope wrote:

I'm sorry your daughter reacted and made the comment she did. Everyone handles the information in their own way and she might sadly be in denial and not want to think of yippy having this awful disease because cancer is a very scary topic for many and many don't know how to be supportive through it.

Thoughts and prayers that your relationship will improve!! Thoughts and prayers during your journey!!

~Katie 💗

Katie💗 Diagnosed stage IIB at 42, diagnosed stage 4 mets to left lung age 44 Dx 9/12/2018, IDC, Left, 4cm, Stage IIB, Grade 3, 1/21 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- (IHC) Surgery 11/15/2018 Lymph node removal: Left, Sentinel, Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy: Left, Right; Reconstruction (left): Tissue expander placement; Reconstruction (right): Tissue expander placement Chemotherapy 12/20/2018 AC + T (Taxol) Surgery 6/13/2019 Reconstruction (left): Fat grafting, Silicone implant; Reconstruction (right): Fat grafting, Silicone implant Hormonal Therapy 6/22/2019 Tamoxifen pills (Nolvadex, Apo-Tamox, Tamofen, Tamone) Surgery 11/21/2019 Reconstruction (left): Fat grafting; Reconstruction (right): Fat grafting Dx 2/24/2020, IDC, Left, 1cm, Stage IV, metastasized to lungs, ER-/PR-, HER2- Surgery 3/18/2020 Chemotherapy 4/20/2020 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Chemotherapy 10/12/2020 Carboplatin (Paraplatin), Gemzar (gemcitabine)
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May 12, 2019 10:32PM Amyadipose wrote:

If I lose my hair and become visibly sick I'm going to have a tshirt made that says "drama queen". I (half) jokingly told my best friend that my body did this on purpose because it was the only way I was going to get anyone to clean up after themselves or put me first. I had to get cancer to get my family to notice me, lol. Have been dealing with my narcissist brother's drug/alcohol addiction for the past few years. Can't wait to tell him I win. 🤣 - On a serious note, I was actually hoping my 19 yr old would be MORE dismissive. I've tried to downplay diagnosis, as I do not want her to spend her most important years worrying about her mother. I need her to focus on school and career and dating and parties and normal stuff 19 year old girls do. But I know if I dwell on it too much she'll reach a point of "that's enough mother". As my own mother dwells on the negative about pretty much everything and it gets exhausting. -Also the trend these days is "manifesting reality by focusing on positives" which many wrongly interpret as "ignore and avoid any unpleasant conversations". Like my husband and brother do. Try to approach it with a sense of humor. Like if you ask her for help tell her you're pulling the cancer card. And it'll make her look bad if she doesn't help. I was speeding to get to work and told my daughter "if we get stopped, I'll just look at cop and say "cancer". Also she has my permission to use this as an excuse to avoid social events and get out of things. Lol we try to look at the perks.

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May 13, 2019 11:59AM AliceBastable wrote:

I decided to be chipper and upbeat last year when I announced my BC on FB the night before surgery in July, and also the next day when I was out of surgery. Same for re-excision in August. Same for nephrectomy in September. Same for end of radiation in December. I got initial responses of "Oh, how awful" and one bizarre reply hoping that Mutual Friend X didn't see my post because she's lost people to cancer. WTF, who hasn't? But other than those responses, only one or two people (NOT family) ever asked how I was. And when there was a family gathering with all my in-laws a few days after I finished radiation, one sister-in-law and one brother-in-law said something about "Wow, lousy year." Others acted like they hadn't heard, except for one other brother-in-law who told Hubby that I was "all over Facebook with that stuff." I did find out later that one of them had called Hubby and asked how I was after a surgery - but the big dummy never told me! And why couldn't they ask me directly? Oh, and my only sister, who's not on FB, would sometimes text to ask how I'm doing, then turn around and complain about how needy I was. Sheesh.

You know who's been there for me? A friend with Stage 4 ovarian cancer. We were cordial but not close co-workers years ago, and friended each other on FB (but mostly just hitting "like" occasionally). She's been texting me all through it, and still now with the follow up tests (which are more frequent and nasty for the kidney). We've become close friends through texting, even though we don't live in the same state. And I sometimes wonder if she also needed someone in her life who has at least some degree of understanding what she's gone through for several years. I don't know what I'd have done without her. And her example has made me more attentive to friends going through any health or other problems.

Endometrial cancer 2010, basal cell multiples, breast cancer 2018, kidney cancer 2018. Cancer's a bitch, but I'm a bigger one with more practice. Dx 5/2018, ILC/IDC, Left, 2cm, Stage IA, Grade 2, 1/1 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 7/10/2018 Lumpectomy: Left; Lymph node removal: Sentinel Surgery 8/7/2018 Radiation Therapy 10/29/2018 Whole-breast: Breast, Lymph nodes
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Jun 30, 2019 05:43AM Kkmay wrote:

Hi Sattaylor!

My mom and I are very close too. When she was first diagnosed with BC last January, I was so shocked, depressed and sad. I didn’t know how to handle the news properly. I was angry with my mom for not taking care of herself, angry with God for doing this to my mom. I spent the least amount of time with my mom then because I was a mess. I was overwhelmed with everything. The diagnosis, tests, hospital visits, Boy was I scared! What I’m trying to say people sometimes don’t know how to cope with such a major thing! They say or do the wrong things. I looked fine from the outside. No one could tell (even my mom) how messed up I was. I went out everyday with friends (who didn’t know about my mom’s diagnosis) because I wanted to escape reality. I didn’t want to talk about it. So maybe you’re daughter is going through the same thing. Maybe she so scared and doesn’t want to talk about it.

As for people, most likely they want to make you feel better and come to peace with your diagnosis. I liked hearing those stories because it gave me lots of hope.
Dx 1/22/2019, IDC, Left, 6cm+, Stage IIIB, Grade 2, ER-/PR-, HER2- (FISH) Chemotherapy 2/16/2019 AC + T (Taxol)
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Jun 30, 2019 09:30AM Meow13 wrote:

Your Mom didn't get breast cancer because of anything she did or didn't do. The most healthy amoung us get this.

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Jun 30, 2019 02:40PM Kkmay wrote:

I understand Meow13. I wan angry at the fact that she knew she had a tumor for months but didn’t do anything about it. The reason why her tumor was so large at diagnosis because she avoided going to the doctor for months. I still has NOT come to peace with that fact.

Dx 1/22/2019, IDC, Left, 6cm+, Stage IIIB, Grade 2, ER-/PR-, HER2- (FISH) Chemotherapy 2/16/2019 AC + T (Taxol)
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Jun 30, 2019 03:25PM - edited Jun 30, 2019 03:28PM by Meow13

A couple months may not have made much difference. No one could feel my 2 tumors mine were discovered at my regular mammogram, they could have been there years before being detected on the mammogram. If I were you I wouldn't focus on your mother's actions not being soon enough. I would stop blaming your mother.

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Jun 30, 2019 10:26PM Salamandra wrote:

Hey Kkmay,

I empathize very much. I lost my mother when I was 19 due to cancer that probably could have been treated much earlier. She felt the lump, but did not go to the doctor.

My mother was a very strong person, but no one is perfect. Her weaknesses and her strengths were part of the same package that I loved so much. You can't have one without the other. Being angry at her can be a way to feel a strong emotional connection (even if it's a negative one), that can seem perversely comforting. Who in the world can you be angry at the way you can be angry with your mother? But the truth is, I can't known that earlier treatment would have made any difference at all. My anger at her is a poor defense and replacement for my bottomless grief and anger at the world, God, cancer, much bigger and scarier things than my mother, and my fear of a lifetime without her.

Your mother is still living. Do your best to set aside your judgment and try to enjoy every minute you have with her. Therapy can be a great place to work out grief, fear, and anger.

I'm now closer to the age my mother was when she was diagnosed than my age when she was diagnosed. I have so much more compassion and understanding for her now. I look at her whole life and think, I will be proud if I can live up to her legacy, weaknesses and all.

Dx at 39. 1.8cm. Oncotype 9. Dx 9/19/2018, IDC, Right, 1cm, Stage IA, Grade 2, 0/3 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- (FISH) Surgery 10/17/2018 Lumpectomy; Lymph node removal: Sentinel Hormonal Therapy 11/1/2018 Tamoxifen pills (Nolvadex, Apo-Tamox, Tamofen, Tamone) Radiation Therapy 12/2/2018 Whole-breast: Breast Hormonal Therapy 12/18/2019 Fareston (toremifene)
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Jun 30, 2019 11:52PM edwards750 wrote:

I had a friend whose sister did the same thing only she waited 6 months to address the lumps and it was sadly too late. She had massive doses of chemo and a MX but the cancer had spread. My friend was upset of course and he was a bit angry at her for waiting so long. She lived just long enough to be at her daughter’s wedding shower but died before her wedding.

I understand those feelings but let them go and as others have said take advantage of the time you have with your mother. I wish I could. I lost my mother over 10 years ago. Still miss her every day.

Diane

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Jul 1, 2019 04:58PM AliceBastable wrote:

It seems to me that it's a terrible burden to put on the mother, when she's going through all the tests, appointments, scans, surgery, and aftercare, to make her have to deal with an adult child's negative emotions and guilt trips, too. It is literally adding insult to injury. The mother has enough on her plate.

Endometrial cancer 2010, basal cell multiples, breast cancer 2018, kidney cancer 2018. Cancer's a bitch, but I'm a bigger one with more practice. Dx 5/2018, ILC/IDC, Left, 2cm, Stage IA, Grade 2, 1/1 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 7/10/2018 Lumpectomy: Left; Lymph node removal: Sentinel Surgery 8/7/2018 Radiation Therapy 10/29/2018 Whole-breast: Breast, Lymph nodes
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Jul 2, 2019 12:42AM santabarbarian wrote:

Children have the right to their own emotions about their own mother, and whether or not she may have contributed to her illness or a bad outcome, and whether or not they are pissed.

Some people drive themselves into pain or illness and this kind of self destructiveness is very hard for a loved one to witness. It may provoke anger and it may also trigger other grief or pain, from other times that parent failed to man up and deal.

My mother has a mental illness. Though i rationally know it's not her fault, nor within her control, it frustrates and disappoints me on a frequent basis. She could not help it, but still I had the right to a functional mother and I did not get that, and it plays out in many ways.

Most kids of impaired mothers basically run on empathy fumes because empathy and selflessness have been tested so frequently.

pCR after neoadjuvant chemo w/ integrative practices; Proton rads. Dx 7/13/2018, IDC, Left, 3cm, Stage IIB, Grade 3, ER-/PR-, HER2- (FISH) Chemotherapy 8/12/2018 Carboplatin (Paraplatin), Taxotere (docetaxel) Surgery 12/27/2018 Lumpectomy: Left Radiation Therapy 2/10/2019 Whole-breast: Breast, Lymph nodes

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