Topic: Feeling unappreciated

Forum: Family and Family Planning Matters — A comforting place to discuss planning a family, fertility concerns, parenting children, or relationship issues with partners, siblings, or parents following a diagnosis.

Posted on: Jul 7, 2019 03:02PM

Posted on: Jul 7, 2019 03:02PM

Kkmay wrote:

Hi ladies

I hope you are all doing well.

I’m the main caregiver for my mom during her cancer journey since her diagnosis last January. I’m the only one taking her to all her appointments, hospital visits, chemo infusions..etc. I have moved in with her to take care of her during her journey. I have been cooking her meals, cleaning the house, and doing all the household chores. I also have made serious adjustments to my work schedule to fit my mom’s appointments. Thankfully my boss is very understanding. I also made serious changes to her diet to support her treatment plan. Sadly, all I hear from her lately is “no one asked to do all this” or “ I didn’t ask for your help”. Even if I go and buy groceries, she’ll tell me something like “you wasted your money I didn’t ask for that”. I have heard this so many times. This just hurts me on so many levels and I don’t know if I should do this anymore. I’m so tired mentally and feeling emotionally drained. Sometimes I feel that my mom doesn’t realize that she has a serious illness.

I want my mom to get better, but I cannot take the emotional abuse anymore. What should I do? If I take time for myself, I feel guilty for leaving her alone. If I stayed with her, I feel hurt and unappreciated. What can I do to handle the situation better? Why should I care if she doesn’t care

Dx 1/22/2019, IDC, Left, 6cm+, Stage IIIB, Grade 2, ER-/PR-, HER2-, Chemotherapy 2/16/2019 AC + T (Taxol)
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Jul 9, 2019 07:12AM edwards750 wrote:

Excellent response Bella. You nailed it.


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Jul 9, 2019 07:36AM - edited Jul 9, 2019 08:12AM by ShetlandPony

While diet and psychological issues such as stress likely have a role in cancer and in treatment response in at least some cases, factors out of our knowledge and control, such as genetics, play a much bigger role. Much much bigger. Focusing a lot on diet gives one a sense of control, which can make the onlooker feel safer: This won't happen to me because I eat correctly. My loved one will be ok if she eats correctly. But this focus can come pretty close to blaming the victim, from the patient's point of view. Not surprisingly, we resent this.

2011 Stage I ITCs sn, premenopausal, Oncotype 16. 2014 Stage IV mets breast,liver. TaxolNEAD. Ibrance+letrozole 2yrs. Fas+afinitor nope. XelodaNEAD 2yrs. Eribulin,Doxil nope. SUMMIT FaslodexHerceptinNeratinib for Her2mut NEAD 1 1/2yrs. GI/perit mets Dx 2011, ILC, 1cm, Stage IA, Grade 1, 0/1 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Dx 2014, ILC, 2cm, Stage IV, metastasized to liver/other, Grade 2, ER+/PR+, HER2- Hormonal Therapy Tamoxifen pills (Nolvadex, Apo-Tamox, Tamofen, Tamone) Radiation Therapy Whole breast: Breast Surgery Lumpectomy
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Jul 9, 2019 08:52AM santabarbarian wrote:

SP I think in my case diet WAS important... Eating a clean diet, I have lost about 20 lbs from my former weight and w supplements a bunch of my minor aches and pains (hip, knee) have disappeared. I was pretty healthy before for a 57 year old, but I feel much healthier now.

I have no known genetic defect, per Foundation One. I breastfed for a total of 6 years. I had a low BMI and good fitness.

I think of it as a freak occurrence that a tumor developed, but I was probably undernourished before and ate too much sugar/carbs/booze and that did not help me. I also had DES exposure as a baby in utero (endocrine disruptor) which is likely to be a factor in my case as it doubles post menopausal cancer rate in exposed women.

pCR after neoadjuvant chemo w/ integrative practices; Proton rads. Dx 7/13/2018, IDC, Left, 3cm, Stage IIB, Grade 3, ER-/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 8/12/2018 Carboplatin (Paraplatin), Taxotere (docetaxel) Surgery 12/27/2018 Lumpectomy; Lumpectomy (Left) Radiation Therapy 2/11/2019 Whole breast: Breast, Lymph nodes
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Jul 11, 2019 11:13AM wallycat wrote:

I have found that when people say "I didn't ask you to do it" what they are really saying is "thank you that I didn't have to ask you to do this and I feel guilty that I need you to do it."

Dx 4/07 1 month before turning 50; ILC 1.8cm, ER+/PR+, HER2 neg., Stage 1, Grade 2, 0/5 nodes. Onco score 20, Bilateral Mast., tamoxifen 3-1/2 years, arimidex-completed 4/20/2012

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