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Topic: Non supportive partner...arguing

Forum: Family and Family Planning Matters —

A comforting place to discuss planning a family, fertility concerns, parenting children, or relationship issues with partners, siblings, or parents following a diagnosis.

Posted on: Jul 31, 2019 02:44PM

breast2beast wrote:

so I'm in radiation aND on tamoxifen. nearly a year dealing with idc. Sept I had a lumpectomy with slight reduction. it was a seriously botched job. I can't get into details. I had 6 Mos of chemo. I have and had severe side effects from the chemo...again a botched job and can't write here.Bf was not supportive. from the start...save the boob no matter what...blablabla. we have 2 kids. at thanksgiving I had thrush, he invites his family to dinner. me shopping, paying for it all, baking it all and cleaning it up. not a real problem to do for my kids...but really? no one can help? he did watch the kids in the morning every 3 weeks and then every week...as they can't come in the chemo room. I took them to my appointments otherwise.


I really needed to call transportation anyhow, as my neuropathy is bad...the worst. it's in my bowels, bladder, face...legs, arms. I'm probably going to get a cane...which is embarassing. btw...I'm in my 40s and this is my 3rd cancer. (no drinking or smoking btw.)

IN april, I had a follow up mammogram (I seduced super early in am.) he didn't even remember...and I had begged him to go in case it was like my last one...

In June I needed a mastectomy. he refused to take me. I made other arrangements and he reluctantly drove me. I didn't know the car needed gas do I heard about it...and added some. I got sick from the anesthesia and managed to hold it until home and kids in house. puki g in front yard...he yells from door- look how pathetic you are couldn't even make it in the door.


Now I'm in radiation. yes everyday for awhile. he is going nuts and forgot my first app with the CT scan...I had to bring the kids. he us so mad about it he called the scheduler and said he was going to lose his job (he makes his own hours/self employed) to get me in 1st app every day. so I get up at 530a.m. to be thete. I come home and he doesn't leave for work for hours. then he wakes and on way out door says how I can thank him for doing that for me. blablabla.

I think he has been to 5 apppintments. trust me...I think I've had hundreds. yes, I understand he needs to work. yes, he has bathed the kids a handful of times this last year, and poked me a few baked potatoes. but if he mows the yard on the tractor...he comes and yells at me. I can thank him now. how I couldn't do the grass without him.

Says if I can't be appreciate I can't use his car. I called my insurance for transportation...so now I need to get up even earlier.

HE is a general contractor and so he makes big bucks. The majority of his money goes to his "toys." classic cars, etc. One of his cars is 1k a month payment. on the other hand, I struggle. I have my own business...obviously suffering . ..and every cent goes feeding us, clothing, medical, gas, phone, internet.

He makes fun of how I look...refuses to look. I wanted to get a prosthetic...and it took 2 weeks for him to agree to watch the kids. I finally just told him id walk around flat...that did it.

He refused to look at my Advanced Directive...which I turned in today. (he has no responsibilities . ..I wanted him to witness it and I thought I'd try to discuss it.)

We were to get married...ha...but he wanted a prenump...and he wanted it to state he wouldn't be responsible for any medical bills should I die. I pay the...but thanks. you can't write that in. no tears here.

He says I'm the *itch because I'm unappreciative. I'm just tired. I really am. after a year of this...I've had enough. I've kept all my "stuff up"... chores...bills...etc.


2 weeks ago, he sponsored a car show. was to have help and didn't so I ran registration, food, 50/50 etc. he raised 1k for the fire dept. I ended up leaving a bit early as my feet were on fire (heat/neuropathy ) and he was mad and yelled at me. ???? I registered 80 cars.

Anyhow, in the mornings... I told him I would just like for him to be up and ready for work if I'm getting up at 5 a.m. he says its his house he can do what he wants and doesn't even need to go into work some days...it's his choice. I told I'm he's n a $$and doesn't even now how much of an a $$. he will respond...it's your cancer you deal with it. I have my career, he says. (btw...it rains nearly every afternoon...and he cuts his day short. there isn't any talking with him.)

I'm on Tamoxifen...and it does stink...I'm sure I get grouchy. but really...am I being a problem/ungrateful?

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Jul 31, 2019 03:18PM Racy wrote:

Reading what you have written, your boyfriend's behaviour does not sound loving, which you would expect from your significant other.

Have you considered ending the relationship? It doesn't sound like he would agree to counselling.

Dx 2010, ILC, 2cm, Stage IIA, Grade 3, 0/22 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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Jul 31, 2019 03:28PM Scrafgal wrote:

Ditto..

Dx 12/2016, IDC, Right, 4cm, Stage IIA, Grade 3, 0/7 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 2/6/2017 Mastectomy: Right; Reconstruction (right): Silicone implant, Tissue expander placement Chemotherapy 3/22/2017 Taxol (paclitaxel) Chemotherapy 6/15/2017 FAC Hormonal Therapy 9/25/2017 Tamoxifen pills (Nolvadex, Apo-Tamox, Tamofen, Tamone) Surgery 10/13/2017 Reconstruction (right): Fat grafting, Silicone implant Surgery 5/9/2018 Reconstruction (left): Fat grafting, Silicone implant; Reconstruction (right): Fat grafting Surgery 10/16/2018 Reconstruction (right): Nipple tattoo Surgery 5/9/2019 Reconstruction (left): Fat grafting; Reconstruction (right): Fat grafting Hormonal Therapy 7/23/2019 Arimidex (anastrozole) Surgery 9/6/2019 Reconstruction (right): Nipple tattoo
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Jul 31, 2019 03:30PM AliceBastable wrote:

Does your cancer center have a social worker? I think you need help extricating yourself from this toxic situation, and assistance to be able to move and live on your own while you're in treatment.

Endometrial cancer 2010, basal cell multiples, breast cancer 2018, kidney cancer 2018. Cancer's a bitch, but I'm a bigger one with more practice. Dx 5/2018, ILC/IDC, Left, 2cm, Stage IA, Grade 2, 1/1 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 7/11/2018 Lumpectomy: Left; Lymph node removal: Sentinel Surgery 8/8/2018 Radiation Therapy 10/29/2018 Whole-breast: Breast, Lymph nodes
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Jul 31, 2019 04:02PM Micmel wrote:

I am honestly speechless, that really doesn't happen all that much either. I am sick to my stomach to think another human being would want to even treat someone like that, regardless of who they are. Then it kicks on to my mind that he’s your SO?????? (Significant other) and I really get disgusted. Wow. What an ass. Not setting a good example for the two children you share and seems like a very selfish man IMO. I’m sorry but that just is not acceptable at all. Like no dude. Get a clue and karma really exists. I saw you mentioned “his” house. Flag!!!! ⚠️ That takes a real professional asshole to say that to a woman who is dealing with real life things here pal. Are you staying with this person because you are worried about where you’ll live?” I don’t even know where to begin with how bad I feel reading this. I have been with my sweet DH for 16 years. Three children. I can promise you that is not normal treatment of someone you love. No one understands cancer unless you have cancer. But a mate has to be supportive or the stress can become a problem. I would really seek some family, or close friends and just give yourself some Space. This is hard enough without adding problems emotionally from a spouse or bf. I’m also wondering his age. Sounds very immature. You deserve better, you sweet woman...
Everyone has to dance, they just don’t know what song they will get. Dx 1/22/2016, IDC, Left, 4cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 2, 13/35 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 2/10/2016 AC Surgery 6/21/2016 Lymph node removal: Left, Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy: Left Chemotherapy 7/19/2016 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 11/6/2016 Ibrance (palbociclib) Surgery Chemotherapy Chemotherapy Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole)
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Jul 31, 2019 04:32PM breast2beast wrote:

thanks all. appreciate everyone.


I feel the same on everything mentioned.


Yes...spoke with the social worker and added my a.d. today. I'm a generally strong person...I just have zero support. but having someone like this...is going into the "negative" as far as support. I don't even need support. silence would be great...lol...and help with the kids.

HOPEFULLY cancer...and ithervthings...will be long gone soon. but I just can't tell u how hard financially (okay, emotionally) this has been. I know u all know.


TY all.

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Jul 31, 2019 06:20PM Micmel wrote:

Everyone has to dance, they just don’t know what song they will get. Dx 1/22/2016, IDC, Left, 4cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 2, 13/35 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 2/10/2016 AC Surgery 6/21/2016 Lymph node removal: Left, Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy: Left Chemotherapy 7/19/2016 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 11/6/2016 Ibrance (palbociclib) Surgery Chemotherapy Chemotherapy Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole)
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Jul 31, 2019 06:21PM ShetlandPony wrote:

B2B he is abusive and narcissistic. I mean that literally. Please get legal help to protect your children and your assetts, and get away from him. Continue getting help and advice from the social worker. Be strong and courageous in getting free, for your kids if not for yourself.

2011 Stage I ILC 1.5cm grade1 ITCs sn Lumpectomy,radiation,tamoxifen. 2014 Stage IV ILC mets breast,liver. TaxolNEAD. Ibrance+letrozole 2yrs. Fas+afinitor nope. XelodaNEAD 2yrs. Eribulin,Doxil nope. SUMMIT FaslodexHerceptinNeratinib for Her2mut NEAD
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Jul 31, 2019 06:45PM illimae wrote:

I’m on tamoxifen, so I understand being cranky but you don’t deserve what I read above. The bottom line is your bf is a prick.

Diagnosed at 41 Stage IV De Novo Dx 11/16/2016, IDC, Left, 5cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 3, 3/13 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2+ (IHC) Targeted Therapy 1/1/2017 Perjeta (pertuzumab) Chemotherapy 1/2/2017 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 1/2/2017 Herceptin (trastuzumab) Surgery 6/26/2017 Lumpectomy: Left; Lymph node removal: Underarm/Axillary Radiation Therapy 8/10/2017 Breast, Lymph nodes Dx 10/5/2017, IDC, Left, 5cm, Stage IV, metastasized to brain, Grade 3, 3/13 nodes, ER+, HER2+ (IHC) Radiation Therapy 10/19/2017 External: Brain Radiation Therapy 4/18/2018 External: Brain Radiation Therapy 5/23/2019 External: Brain Surgery 1/22/2020 Radiation Therapy 2/16/2020 External: Brain Radiation Therapy 7/20/2020 External: Bone Targeted Therapy Tukysa (tucatinib) Chemotherapy Xeloda (capecitabine) Hormonal Therapy Tamoxifen pills (Nolvadex, Apo-Tamox, Tamofen, Tamone)
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Jul 31, 2019 07:29PM blue22 wrote:

Has your bf always behaved like this or only since your diagnosis - I am assuming this behavior has been going on longer, which should tell you something about his accusations etc. His behavior is truly disgusting. You DO NOT deserve this type of treatment. Do you have friends or family who can help ease you out of your situation?


Dx 1/2019, IBC, Left, 6cm+, Stage IIIB, Grade 3, ER+/PR+, HER2- (FISH) Chemotherapy 2/14/2019 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel), Adriamycin (doxorubicin), Cytoxan (cyclophosphamide), Taxol (paclitaxel) Surgery 7/29/2019 Lumpectomy: Right; Lymph node removal: Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy: Left Dx 7/30/2019, IDC/IBC, Left, 6cm+, Stage IIIC, Grade 3, 4/14 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2+ (IHC) Dx 8/2019, DCIS, Right, <1cm, Stage 0, ER+/PR+ Radiation Therapy 10/8/2019 Targeted Therapy Perjeta (pertuzumab) Targeted Therapy Herceptin (trastuzumab) Chemotherapy Xeloda (capecitabine)
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Aug 6, 2019 12:43PM prehistoricmom wrote:

Agree with all others on this thread esp. that SO is narcissistic.

Similar situation w/husband, he will never respect me & I've stopped trying to earn it. We had just started divorce discussion when dx. Now on hold for treatment but I've promised myself I will leave even if I have to ♿

"You just have to take it one 'are you f*cking kidding me' at a time" amanda x. coleman Dx 7/23/2019, IDC, Left, 1cm, Stage IA, Grade 3, 0/1 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 8/16/2019 Lumpectomy: Left Radiation Therapy Breast

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