Topic: Is it me or everyone else

Forum: Family and Family Planning Matters — A comforting place to discuss planning a family, fertility concerns, parenting children, or relationship issues with partners, siblings, or parents following a diagnosis.

Posted on: Jun 6, 2020 02:31PM

Posted on: Jun 6, 2020 02:31PM

Seilien wrote:

I am pretty frustrated by family (distant and not). But now I wonder if it is just me. My relationship with family is difficult to explain. Generally, I would say it is mostly obligatory and I have neutral to negative feelings about most of the family members. Being diagnosed made me appreciate some but really dislike others. Maybe I am being unfair to the people i dont like? It doesnt make me feel good that relatives I rarely spoke to were visiting me now.

The thing that drives me up the wall is dealing with my inlaws. They are all very well intentioned but it is hard to relax around them so when they contact me or try to be around me, it is very very uncomfortable. Sometimes, inappropriate comments are made (my motherinlaw likes to comment on my hair a lot but I wish she would stop or repeatedly asking how I am).

Is it me? How should I handle family without completely hurting their feelings? What can I do when my inlaws mean well but I absolutely cannot stand anything from them. I complain to my husband when his mom checks up on me through text which seems crazy! Btw being open and honest does not work. I feel that I am being crushed by the pressure to keep the peace but also by their selfish need to feel better about MY situation. My husband's advice was to ignore his mom which I find impolite.

Dx 7/30/2018, Right, Stage IV, metastasized to brain, ER+/PR-, HER2+ Radiation Therapy 5/31/2019 Whole breast: Breast, Brain Surgery 11/21/2019 Reconstruction (right): Tissue expander placement Chemotherapy 7/27/2020 Xeloda (capecitabine) Surgery 8/27/2020 Reconstruction (left)
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Jun 17, 2020 03:29PM minustwo wrote:

KMom - RIGHT ON. Don't we all get tired of trying to make everything right for everyone else!!!! Tell her you DO NOT want to talk about it. If she keeps on, tell you you need to walk away and do so. Your option as you said is to avoid her, but that doesn't allow you take care of yourself & be right - and you are.

2/15/11 BMX-DCIS 2SNB clear-TEs; 9/15/11-410gummies; 3/20/13 recurrance-5.5cm,mets to lymphs, Stage IIIB IDC ER/PRneg,HER2+; TCH/Perjeta/Neulasta x6; ALND 9/24/13 1/18 nodes 4.5cm; AC chemo 10/30/13 x3; herceptin again; Rads Feb2014
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Jun 19, 2020 06:43PM Seilien wrote:

Update: I tried my best to ignore my mil. The problem is when everyone leaves the room and we are alone together. It would seem strange if I just left the room and I'm not going to make the effort to get up for no reason. As soon as we are alone together, my mil will ask me an uncomfortable question that she would not ask in front of others. For some reason, she asks if I'm mad at one of my brotherinlaws. I asked him what that was about and he had no clue. So now I'm under the impression that she is creating unnecessary drama. Her sons keep telling me to ignore her but how can I avoid these uncomfortable situations she forces me in!?

On side note, all family (his and mine) keep telling me to understand my husband's position and that I should try to be more accommodating to him and his feelings. I am trying to be patient with him but I really wish he would cook and clean more. Also handle his own mother!

Dx 7/30/2018, Right, Stage IV, metastasized to brain, ER+/PR-, HER2+ Radiation Therapy 5/31/2019 Whole breast: Breast, Brain Surgery 11/21/2019 Reconstruction (right): Tissue expander placement Chemotherapy 7/27/2020 Xeloda (capecitabine) Surgery 8/27/2020 Reconstruction (left)
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Jun 20, 2020 08:02AM - edited Jul 27, 2020 05:13AM by TectonicShift

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Jun 20, 2020 10:41AM sunshine99 wrote:

Seilien, I am imaging a situation where your MIL asks you one of those questions and you just say "Excuse me" and walk out of the room. I know, you shouldn't be the one to leave the room, but if you did that every time she asked an inappropriate question, maybe, just maybe she'd stop. Probably not, but we can dream, can't we?

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this person. Some people just thrive on strife and discontent.

Wishing you a peaceful day.

my-sunny-side-up.com Cancer has progressed to my bones. I pray that it never enters my soul. Dx 11/2/2007, IDC, 3cm, Stage IIA, 0/3 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Dx 3/26/2020, IDC, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, ER+/PR-, HER2- Hormonal Therapy 4/22/2020 Arimidex (anastrozole) Radiation Therapy 5/5/2020 External Local Metastases 5/5/2020 Radiation therapy: Bone Radiation Therapy 5/12/2020 External Local Metastases 5/12/2020 Radiation therapy: Bone Targeted Therapy 6/10/2020 Ibrance (palbociclib)
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Jun 20, 2020 11:46AM ninetwelve wrote:

Such a distressing situation. I'm so sorry you have to endure it. Rudeness is often a lack of appropriate boundaries. I found it helpful to read up on codependency, and the skill of "detachment". It just means removing your emotions from the person who is trying to manipulate them. Tell you MIL, "That's not something I want to talk about," and repeat it firmly, without anger whenever it comes up.

And if I were you, I would block your MIL's phone number. If she wants to reach you, she can leave a message with her son. Just say you need to conserve energy and are not taking phone calls or text messages right now.

12/15/20 - Progression to liver. Tx changed to Xeloda. Dx 9/12/2014, IDC, 4cm, Stage IV, Grade 2, mets, ER+/PR+, HER2- Hormonal Therapy 9/15/2014 Tamoxifen pills (Nolvadex, Apo-Tamox, Tamofen, Tamone), Zoladex (goserelin) Hormonal Therapy 9/30/2014 Dx 7/2016, IDC, Stage IV, metastasized to bone/lungs Hormonal Therapy 8/15/2016 Faslodex (fulvestrant), Zoladex (goserelin) Targeted Therapy 8/15/2016 Ibrance (palbociclib)
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Jun 20, 2020 12:10PM minustwo wrote:

Agree, agree, agree. 1) block your MIL's phone number' 2) If can't stop feeling "nice" (what wishy-washy bunk all we women were taught) say only one time "that is not something I want to talk about; 3) If that doesn't shut her up, say "excuse me" then do get up and leave the room. Plug your ears if she keeps talking as you're walking - and make it obvious like a little kid would do. As a final respite - lock yourself in the bedroom or bathroom until she goes away. Or until your DH comes looking for you. I bet you won't have to do it more than twice.

Please, please, please Seilien - you MUST start taking care of yourself. You can't have all this negative energy surrounding you. Stress is a negative for any kind of health - body or mind. Hope these posts might give you the strength to just walk away.

2/15/11 BMX-DCIS 2SNB clear-TEs; 9/15/11-410gummies; 3/20/13 recurrance-5.5cm,mets to lymphs, Stage IIIB IDC ER/PRneg,HER2+; TCH/Perjeta/Neulasta x6; ALND 9/24/13 1/18 nodes 4.5cm; AC chemo 10/30/13 x3; herceptin again; Rads Feb2014
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Jun 21, 2020 03:27PM Seilien wrote:

Thank you for all the advice.

It is really hard on how to handle the situation because it makes me cringe to make others uncomfortable so it's weird handling a person that makes me so uncomfortable. I think we are just opposite kinds of people and I deal with it because I love my dh and I want my child to have a good relationship with my inlaws.

I tried walking out of the room. It kind of worked. I felt bad for her because she noticed that I left on purpose but at least it didnt create a bigger problem! Small problems between us tend to build up because she tends to make microagressive comments to me (Shes caucasian, I'm asian). I think I will push my husband more to talk to his own mother and help around the house more. I may ask our mutual friend to talk to him cuz I swear he doesnt listen to me.

Dx 7/30/2018, Right, Stage IV, metastasized to brain, ER+/PR-, HER2+ Radiation Therapy 5/31/2019 Whole breast: Breast, Brain Surgery 11/21/2019 Reconstruction (right): Tissue expander placement Chemotherapy 7/27/2020 Xeloda (capecitabine) Surgery 8/27/2020 Reconstruction (left)

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