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Topic: Mom has breast cancer & refuses to let me come home. Why?

Forum: For Caregivers, Family, Friends and Supporters —

A place to share your struggles and concerns about supporting and caring for a person you love diagnosed with breast cancer with others who understand.

Posted on: Dec 30, 2017 03:51PM

confused17 wrote:

my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer in her left breast Last October. It spread into her lymph nodes but with removing the breast they removed all lymph nodes and had radiation which cleared it all. Or so we had thought until her recent petscan that showed a spot on her liver which was thankfully cyberknifed and taken care of. She then found out ahe has tumors in her abdomen and Recently this past week it has spread once again to her hip bone and caused her to be hospitalized for the fluid build up in her belly. Im currently living in another state and while she has just started chemo yet again and had another transfusion today, I've asked her if I could come home to support her and be with her while she fights again and keep being told no, that I would cause her stress if i came home, i do not understand why she is wanting to keep me away and allow other family's that live there to help her. I need help understanding bc I'm so emotional and heartbroken bc i all I want is to be home with my mom. Anyone's input would be greatly appreciated and God bless!

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Dec 30, 2017 04:07PM Georgia1 wrote:

Hi there, and good for you for caring so much about your mom. It is hard to tell what the issue is so I'm afraid I won't be much help. It is possible she is depressed. But it is also possible that she's using all of her strength to fight this, and while she loves you and would appreciate telephone calls and emotional support, she's just not up for a house guest right now. Is there a family member you could ask for an opinion?

Currently taking a break from Tamoxifen due to tinnitus. Dx 9/3/2017, ILC/IDC, Right, <1cm, Stage IA, Grade 2, 0/1 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Dx 10/10/2017, LCIS, Right, 0/1 nodes Surgery 10/10/2017 Lumpectomy; Lymph node removal: Right, Sentinel Radiation Therapy 11/27/2017 Whole-breast: Breast Hormonal Therapy 1/2/2018 Tamoxifen pills (Nolvadex, Apo-Tamox, Tamofen, Tamone)
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Dec 30, 2017 04:14PM Peregrinelady wrote:

How old are you and your mom? I know that when I was diagnosed, my first thoughts were how upset I was that I was putting my girls through this (18 and 19 at the time). It could be that she doesn’t want you to see her like this or she may not want you to interrupt your life. Have you talked to your other relatives, to see if they can help explain it?
Dx 4/24/2015, IDC, Left, 2cm, Stage IIB, Grade 2, 1/2 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Hormonal Therapy 6/1/2015 Liquid tamoxifen (Soltamox) Surgery 4/18/2016 Mastectomy: Left, Right; Prophylactic ovary removal; Reconstruction (left): DIEP flap; Reconstruction (right): DIEP flap Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole)
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Dec 30, 2017 04:21PM ElaineTherese wrote:

I agree with Georgia. My parents feel as though they ought to keep the house "just so" for visitors. They also focus a lot on meal preparation. Maybe, your Mom doesn't feel as though she can adequately serve as a hostess for you.

I, personally, did not want some support from some of my family members. I did not care for people who sobbed over my predicament. I thought, "Why should I have to comfort them? I'm the one with disease!"

I'm not saying that your Mom is like my parents or that you're a sobber. I'm just throwing out some ideas!

((Hugs)) You sound like a thoughtful daughter who truly loves her Mom.

DX IDC June 28, 2014, 5 cm., 1 node tested positive (fine needle biopsy); 0/20 after neoadjuvant chemo + ALND; Grade 3; ER+ PR+ HER2+ Neoadjuvant chemotherapy starting 7/23/14 ACX 4, Taxol X 12, Perjeta X 4; Herceptin: one year Chemotherapy 7/23/2014 AC Targeted Therapy 9/17/2014 Perjeta (pertuzumab) Targeted Therapy 9/17/2014 Herceptin (trastuzumab) Chemotherapy 9/17/2014 Taxol (paclitaxel) Surgery 1/12/2015 Lumpectomy: Right; Lymph node removal: Right, Underarm/Axillary Hormonal Therapy 2/25/2015 Aromasin (exemestane), Zoladex (goserelin) Radiation Therapy 3/9/2015 Breast, Lymph nodes
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Dec 30, 2017 04:30PM moth wrote:

I think you'll need to talk to your mom - or maybe email or letter might be better. Or with some of the other relatives there.

I too have people I want near me and others I don't. It's not their fault - they want to help, but they just are not the people I want around me.

I'd suggest you find a counsellor and start seeing one yourself. This stuff is hard and having what no doubt feels like a huge rejection piled on top makes it even harder. See someone you can talk to about this.

Dx at 50; Left, IDC/DCIS 1.7 cm, Stage I, Grade 3, 0/5 nodes, pathology ER+/PR-, HER2-; Oncotype says ER-/PR-, HER2- Surgery 12/12/2017 Lumpectomy: Left; Lymph node removal: Sentinel Chemotherapy 2/15/2018 AC + T (Taxol) Hormonal Therapy Radiation Therapy Whole-breast
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Dec 30, 2017 04:35PM confused17 wrote:

thank you all for your thoughts! Yes, I've been in contact with my sister and my grandmother and they all tell me not to return home. I feel as they want her all to their selves. Im probably wrong. Im 27 and left back to ohio after 11 months with my mom. She wants comes first bc shes dealing with the cancer I just wish there was some way to support her like I did before without making her upset.

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Dec 30, 2017 04:46PM Peregrinelady wrote:

Maybe you should keep in touch with sister and grandma and tell them that they need to let you know when it will be a good time to visit because you don’t want to miss out on valuable time with your mother. Also, I agree with Moth that you need to talk to your mother directly and let her know that you will make your visit as stress free as possible.
Dx 4/24/2015, IDC, Left, 2cm, Stage IIB, Grade 2, 1/2 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Hormonal Therapy 6/1/2015 Liquid tamoxifen (Soltamox) Surgery 4/18/2016 Mastectomy: Left, Right; Prophylactic ovary removal; Reconstruction (left): DIEP flap; Reconstruction (right): DIEP flap Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole)
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Dec 30, 2017 06:09PM NotBrokenJustBent wrote:

I too think that your mom is trying to protect you and having to hide her fear and discomfort and stay strong for you would drain the strength from her. I sheltered my kids and came to find out later that they felt I shut them out. That was never my intention.

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Dec 30, 2017 06:28PM Spookiesmom wrote:

Could you go anyway and stay with gma or sister

Dx IDC, Stage IIIA, Grade 3
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Dec 30, 2017 07:54PM mustlovepoodles wrote:

I'm sorry your mother is pushing you away. People do incomprehensible things when they are in the fight of their life. I'm sure that my adult kids felt pushed away, as well. My DH and my DD wanted to shave their heads when I found out I was going to lose my hair to chemo. Well, I just couldn't allow that to happen! My beautiful DD has gorgeous thick long hair--Greek hair, we call it. I would have upset me FAAAAAAR more to see her shaved bald.  I think they probably felt like I wasn't sharing everything with them, but I just didn't want them to worry. I didn't want their lives to change just because I had cancer. 

Oncotype 23. Positive for PALB2 & Chek2 gene mutations. My breasts are trying to kill me! Dx 7/20/2015, DCIS/IDC, Right, 1cm, Stage IA, Grade 3, 0/2 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Surgery 8/20/2015 Lumpectomy Surgery 9/3/2015 Lumpectomy: Right Chemotherapy 10/19/2015 Cytoxan (cyclophosphamide), Taxotere (docetaxel) Surgery 2/4/2016 Prophylactic mastectomy: Left, Right Surgery 10/19/2016 Hormonal Therapy Femara (letrozole) Surgery
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Dec 30, 2017 11:01PM DATNY wrote:

Not sure about your mom's reasons, but I pushed my daughter away in order to distance her from me and, hopefully, have her suffer less if anything happens. I also wanted her to continue living her life as normal as possible and become the accomplished young women she deserves to be. Should my diagnosis affect her to the extent that her life trajectory is disrupted, would seem to me that my cancer would have made two victims. I'd do anything in my power to prevent that.

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Dec 31, 2017 12:15AM houmom wrote:

I also wonder if it's that she doesn't want this to be an impact on your career and life away from her.

Dx 11/20/2017, IDC, Right, 1cm, Stage IA, Grade 1, 0/7 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- (IHC)
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Dec 31, 2017 12:22AM wrenn wrote:

I didn't want my daughter around because our history (as it is with many mom's and children) was that I took care of her and not the other way around. It is hard to switch that and I didn't have the emotional energy to take care of her emotions. She would be upset and I would have to focus on her being upset instead of focusing on my health. I also wanted to protect her from being upset. I totally understand why your mother is doing it but understand that it is hard for you. Try to concentrate on what it is like for her at this time instead of how hard it is on you.

Things will improve and her strength will get better but please do what she needs at this time and lean on friends and family for support for yourself.

Metaplastic IDC Triple negative...Tumour is 1.5cm. BMX Aug. 16th. Chemo cancelled after one dose due to complications. Dx 7/25/2013, IDC, Left, 1cm, Stage IA, Grade 3, 0/6 nodes, ER-/PR-, HER2- Surgery 8/16/2013 Lymph node removal: Left, Sentinel, Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy: Left, Right Chemotherapy 11/25/2013 Cytoxan (cyclophosphamide), Taxotere (docetaxel)

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