I don't really know if this is the right place for me. Or if I'm just supposed to have been able to get passed this feeling by now. I guess I'm hoping someone out there has some advice, I have a very limited of friends and they don't really understand the pain I am in.
I'm not the best with writing or talking about feelings or anything. All I really know is that I feel alone and emotionally drained and pained. Sorry if you are reading this and it doesn't make much sense. I have been mentally jumbled a lot lately.
Feb 3 2011, my mother passed away from complications associated with Triple Negative Breast Cancer. She was my best friend. She was the only person I felt 100% comfortable leaning on, even though there were times I would tell myself that I wasn't and was fine without her, I always knew that she would be there when I needed her. Until she wasn't.
It's 7 years later. But the events of that night and the weeks prior are still very much alive in my head. I can replay every moment in my head. From the day a week before, when I left her in her bedroom to head back to college, knowing while I was driving away that I would most likely never be able to have any more time with her.
To the day my father called me and told me I needed to come back home immediately. The three hour car trip was horrible. I made it just in time to say good bye, unfortunately I could not control my emotions and was forced to leave the room because it was too painful for my mom.
My mom and I had a very close bond, my brothers and dad were not as close unfortunately. Not that we ever experienced a seperation like so many other families have to endure. Just I was always able to sit and talk to my mom or just sit and feel at ease. My dad and I have gotten much closer, I'm thankful for that but I don't want him to worry about me. My brothers and I don't have much communication and don't seem to have an understanding of each other.
I usually lean on my best friend but she has found a new relationship and is unable to help me this year. I don't want to blame this being so bad on that, but I guess for sure not having her there as a distraction is not allowing my brain to get away from the pain.
I guess what I am wondering is, does it really ever get better? Does any one have some ideas of what I can do to get out of this funk.
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