Topic: College Student Trying to Cope With Mothers New Diagnosis

Oct 5, 2018 08:57AM - edited Oct 5, 2018 08:58AM by Runrcrb

mallory, as the mother in your situation please know that your mother is just as worried about you as you are about her. I highly recommend counseling to help you process this. Your mom's diagnosis is not necessarily a death sentence; if it's a recent diagnosis, the next few months will be full of doctors, tests, waiting and planning treatments. It will feel awful because every interaction drives more questions. Hopefully if your relationship with your mom is as you describe, you can ask her the scary questions. If you are worried about her, tell her. You don't have to fake it for her and honestly it'll harder for her if you do. When you go home to visit, lean in and help around the house-dishes, food,straightening up. I know my kids always reverted to teenage years when they came back from college but not so much now. Notice the little things that need to be done and do them.

Oct 5, 2018 09:24AM Leidy wrote:

Hi,

I'm a Mom with stage 3C breast cancer. I was diagnosed in Feb 2015 and I'm still here, doing just fine, and there are lots of others who are stage 3 and doing fine, too. There is no doubt that your Mom is in for a crappy year, but she'll do whatever she has to do. Here are some things my daughter did that helped me so much: She sent me silly slippers (that I wore every day that year). She sent me love notes. She made me laugh. (It's okay to cry, too. It's hard for you.)

I'm so sorry you and she find yourselves in this situation, but you can appreciate each other even more than you might have, and say your love out loud every day. Breast cancer sucks, but it has made me and my daughter even closer than we were.

Hugs to you and your Mom,

Tosca

Oct 5, 2018 10:55AM TarheelMichelle wrote:

Hi Mallory, I’m Stage IV with a college age son. He is my only, and he’s lived with me since I divorced his father. My son and I are close. One thing that my son told me was hard for him to understand at first was that I wasn’t going to die right away. He literally didn’t know how treatment worked, and worried that one day I would just die suddenly. We both learned as we went along.

Some kids your age take the role of caregiver. They learn everything they can about the disease, go with their mom to doctor visits, help communicate health status to family and friends. Other kids focus on enjoying time with their mom, setting aside extra time for outings such as manicures/shopping/movies — whatever mom needs to take her mind off treatment. Because you are close to your mom, I believe you can easily talk about how you can best show your love.

Don’t feel guilty about being away at school, or being upset right now. Totally understandable. Your mom no doubt wants you to complete your education. Facetime helps bridge the distance. :-)

Best wishes to you and your mom.

Oct 5, 2018 02:15PM Spookiesmom wrote:

My daughter is older than you and working. Lives about 20 min from me, but is a teacher with 2 young kids. So not a lot of free time.

The best thing she did, hands down, was a daily text. How ya doing? How ya feeling? Today I’m going to........

I miss the daily contact

Oct 6, 2018 01:33PM Peregrinelady wrote:

Oct 8, 2018 05:20AM lacrimosa wrote:

Mallory,

I understand you completely. When my mother diagnosed with breast cancer 3 months ago I was losing my mind. You can see my panic on the old posts I had in here. Believe it or not, you get used to everything. Looking back to those 3 months, I realize how much I changed my perspective on mum's diagnoses. It's not easy. It has ups and downs but it does get better. Everybody focus on patient's needs but as caregivers and families, we feel that burden as much as they do. In some cases even more because we feel like we need to keep them happy. My suggestion is very simple. Let the pain happen. Cry if you feel like it. Embrace the journey you guys gonna experience. Support your mother as much as you can. Share your fears with your friends or share with us. You don't have to be strong all the time. But I assure you, it will pass and soon you feel better about it. Love all the way from

Oct 25, 2018 11:21AM - edited Oct 25, 2018 11:25AM by santabarbarian

Mallory,

In a way it may be great for your Mom that you are in school, heading toward your dreams, and having fun... not steeped in "cancer!" but enjoying your life!! During treatment some of us really like to hunker down and sleep and it can feel relieving to be alone when sick... you can support her from afar, and it will feel very meaningful to her!

My kids live far from home and the youngest is in college. Here is what my young adult children have done that is very helpful and comforting. They have kept track of my chemo days and I get little texts of love emojis and words of encouragement on chemo days. Little letters in the mail. One of my son's ex girlfriends sent me an author signed book (which secondarily told me that my son had talked to her about my diagnosis and that made me feel loved). My youngest offered to shave his head w me. (I said hell no!) My 27 year old came out to help me for one chemo week, and stayed a second week just to hang out, and it was beautiful to see him in a paternal, nurturer role. They have sent me poems, books, and links to things I might want to watch or read. They have expressed how much they love me and admire my resilience. My daughter sent me scarf head wrap ideas. They (and their nonexistent unborn children) are my major reason for living -- and having a reason for living is a huge, huge boost. I love seeing their instagram fun, and knowing their lives are full! I love that they keep on living their lives but are paying attention to me and my situation too.

Speaking for myself, it has not bothered me at all when my kids have cried, been sad, or felt scared in my presence. I have had friends go through cancer-- and I was scared to lose them, sad for them, sad for me.... those are very normal feelings when anyone you love is ill or suffering. So you do not have to be a mask of iron strength to be a very firm and meaningful support. Your main support is "I love you Mom." Tears can be part of love, and hugely comforting. Show your Mom that the love and the connection between you is deep and strong. You sound like a very caring daughter and that is absolutely the best thing you can be for your mom.

Dec 16, 2018 09:43AM Janetanned wrote:

Hi Mallory and Steph,

I have experience from both sides of the mom/daughter cancer situation. As a young college student (1975), I watched my mom battle cancer. It was a different time then and the C word was never talked about. My mom thought she was sheltering me and my sister by never mentioning her disease. We watched her go through treatment, loose her hair, and care for her radiation wounds. We were terrified and never knew what to say. Nobody wanted to talk about it and we never knew how she was doing or what her prognoses was until we were told that she had months to live. I'll never forget that fear and sadness. Fast forward 30+ years and I found myself in the same situation. My children were in their 20's when I was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer. I decided to be very honest with them and promised them that I would keep them informed along the way with any new issues or concerns. If I said I was okay, then they should relax and believe me. It has been very helpful to keep the communication flowing. For my daughter especially I encouraged her to talk freely about my experience and her feelings. I know she has her own fears about her future health, so I was tested for all of the known mutations. None were found so she has less to fear.

I highly recommend frequent honest communication. Let your mom know how much you want to know about her condition and let her know that you are available to talk (if you are) when she needs an ear to bend. My daughter was attending a college in the same city I received treatment in so she would meet me for each chemo session. She would pick up coffee and a bagel and spend the morning in the chemo suite. She really helped me get through each session. And it wasn't all doom and gloom. She told how school was going and kept me updated on the antics of her ridiculous roommate. The time was spent well and I think she felt better seeing that chemo wasn't that bad. Maybe you could help your mom with some treatment issues like choosing a wig or buying scarves. My daughter and I made the wig buying an outing. We actually had fun. She has all the fashion sense, so she choose the perfect wig for day to day work and a sassy wig for weekends. While we didn't talk every day, we did exchange texts fairly regularly. It helped me to know that she thought about me. I would suggest keeping some regular communication going.

I think the most important thing for your mom is that you are doing okay. She wants you to be successful and to enjoy college life. Tell her about your life and about the fun things you are doing. Take care of yourself. If you need to talk to a professional, by all means do it! I'm a strong believer in seeking professional help when needed (I did at the end of active treatment).

I am 7 years out from my diagnoses and am doing fine. My daughter and I have a fairly good relationship (she just moved home from NYC after a job change) and life has gotten back to normal. Life does go on and it can be pretty close to normal, even after a stage 3 diagnoses. Keep positive and take care of yourself!

Dec 18, 2018 03:31PM Stephvirginia wrote:

Hi Mallory!

I’m so happy you replied! I’m seeing my therapist this week, I’m hoping she can give me some good coping methods/advice. I hope you and your mom are able to enjoy each others company during the holidays!

I have found myself really being mad at the world lately, things that have never made me mad thave been making me so angry. I don’t know if it’s just my emotions or just stress. Have you felt this way?

Breaking down crying out of no where has become a very common occurance. I feel like I’m being so weak but I can’t help of thinking of the months to come. 😭.

Feb 5, 2019 05:26PM longwinter wrote:

Hi Steph and Mallory, I was just wondering how you are both doing? My mother was just diagnosed last week. I'm 29 and her only daughter and only child living nearby. I feel really helpless right now on how exactly I can help her. 

Feb 5, 2019 07:23PM Mallory35201 wrote:

Hey Stephanie

Just checking to see how therapy and everything is going. hope everything is going well