Topic: Wife diagnosed and dealing with depression and anxiety

Jul 14, 2019 10:12AM - edited Jul 14, 2019 10:15AM by Fairydragonfly

Hi rpo81.

I'm hoping someone (a partner or caregiver) will respond soon, but wanted to reach out anyways. While I am going through my breast cancer journey right now, last year I was the primary caregiver for my father after unexpectedly losing my mother to cancer.

To help, I stayed with my father in another province. I put my entire life on hold and shifted my focus to him and his care. I have no regrets in doing that, but can appreciate the difficulties that caregivers and loved ones experience.

One thing that helped me significantly was going for counseling through my dad's regional cancer society. I have discovered that the same thing exists here for those helping me through my own cancer journey. The social worker I met with helped me deal with many of the emotions and practical stuff that comes from caring for a loved one. She was a lifesaver for me, as I have had depression and anxiety since my teens and coupled with trying to process my grief over my mom and care for my dad - I was scared I was going to go over the edge.

Another important lesson I learned was to ask and accept help OFTEN. Don't wait for the times when you're at the end of your rope or have no other alternatives. People genuinely want to help. So if someone asks how, tell them. My dad's neighbours took care of snow removal and cutting the grass. His friends came and helped sort through dad's tools and equipment in order to sell it. His neighbour recommended a reliable and affordable house cleaner, which was a godsend for me. If you need something, even trivial, just ask.

Know that your fears and emotions are a normal reaction to a horrible situation. Reaching out to this site is a huge first step. If your regional cancer society doesn't offer counseling, find out if your work has an employee assistance program. Find out what resources exist in your community to help you as a caregiver. If you live in Canada, I can send you a few links.

Keeping you and your wife in my thoughts. ❤️

Jul 15, 2019 09:43PM OnTarget wrote:

I am not a caregiver, but I can tell you that my husband has been reaching out to his friends and been getting support there. His colleagues at work are friends and people he knows with cancer are coming out of the woodwork. I don't consider him someone who talks about his feelings well, but I do think that talking in general about cancer has been helpful for him.

I wish I had more to offer! I'd ask my husband, but he would probably not be able to put it into words well.

Cancer is really scary and stressful. Definitely the hardest thing I've faced in my life.

I'll be thinking good thoughts for you and your wife.

Aug 1, 2019 12:10PM GiddyupGirl wrote:

Vidal - I am sorry you and your wife find yourselves in this situation. It definitely isn't easy. My gran had thyroid cancer many years ago and is in her 90's going strong. Talk to your wife's care manager (MO nurse navigator) they certainly can give her something for anxiety/depression. You need to look after you. Remember for safety in an airplane problem put the oxygen on yourself first or you can't help anyone else. If you have family and close friends that you can share this with have them help out. If you both have a plan in place it will make this easier. Wishing you all the best

Aug 2, 2019 09:41AM vidal1993 wrote:

Thanks GiddyupGirl and WC3 for your responses and good wishes.

We planned a brief vacation 2 weeks ago (10th anniversary), but had to cancel it because the team ordered tests on short notice (Mugga? scan). My parents took our kids.

I have been reducing my hours lately (I am a practicing lawyer), and thankfully my colleagues understand.

Regarding chemotherapy, what I understand is that you are extremely fatigued in the days immediately after, and your energy builds back up until you get another dose.

Is that accurate?

Anyone out there have young kids as they went through this?

Look forward to all replies.

Aug 2, 2019 12:13PM vidal1993 wrote:

Thank you ElaineTherese.

The "side-effects" of chemo, can you describe them? How tired is she likely to be? Would she be immobilized, ie lying-in bed all day?

Our children will be returning to school in September, and will need to be picked up and dropped off in the mornings.

Aug 2, 2019 02:03PM WC3 wrote:

I had taxotere and carboplatin for chemotherapy, every 3 to 4 weeks. I was bed bound between days 2 through 5 with 5 being the worst and while I did not have a ton of diarrhea, it snuck up on me when I did so I had to stay near a toilet much of the time. Not right next to, I had to keep myself to shops and so on that had customer restrooms.

About a month after my final infusion, my biggest issue was fatigue. I went on a trip maybe two months after it but I had surgery after chemotherapy so may have otherwise gone sooner.

Ironically on vacation I ran in to a lady who's middle part hair line looked like mine three weeks past my first infusion when I was doing cold capping and it didn't work well. I guess she was either feeling better than I was at that point or maybe she lived in the area and was on a mini vacation.

Aug 2, 2019 05:18PM - edited Aug 2, 2019 05:19PM by edj3

The lumpectomy is uncomfortable for sure. The sentinel lymph node incision was far more painful for me. She will have some restrictions in terms of what she can/can't lift so the kids will need to know about that.

Her immediate recovery post-op will also depend on how she tolerates general anesthesia. Some of us have no issues (I am not one of those people) and others take a bit longer to get past that.

Oh and edited to say that I walked the same week of my lumpectomy and ran the second week. So there's one data point.

Aug 2, 2019 05:25PM ElaineTherese wrote:

Again, recovery from a lumpectomy depends on the BC patient. I went back to work part-time the day after my lumpectomy. Of course, I don't have a strenuous job (I'm a college professor), so that was possible. It was difficult for me to raise my arms above my chest for a bit, so I wrote on the lower part of the blackboard/white board. I ended up with a drain (I had 20 lymph nodes removed), and I had it for awhile. In retrospect, I would have gotten the drain removed sooner if I had been less active.

If your wife is otherwise healthy, lacks other health conditions, and is high-energy, the surgery probably won't require extensive recovery. She probably needs to get some tight sports bras to prevent a seroma from forming and to take it easy. Have her visit the thread "Lumpectomy Lounge."

Sep 12, 2019 02:16PM vidal1993 wrote:

Pardon me, I should have said in the "first few days after surgery."

Sep 15, 2019 07:18PM Bakerstreet wrote:

Hi Vidal and the partners of BC patients,

I joined this boat in May when my partner was diagnosed in a routine checkup. The diagnosis changed after the surgery, I mean the staging. On top of it, I accepted a job 15000 miles away planning to move together but due to timing of the insurance she had to start treatment in our home country. I had to leave her at the end of her AC chemo period and she is going through another one Taxol (4x2) with other family members.

It is stressful, lonely and scary at times. They are giving a such a courageous fight and we can't do much to take their pains or complaints. Our love and support matters. I demand emotional support from my close circle of friends and go after it. You need a circle of friends who will be there for you so you can go back to her feeling emotionally better. We need to prioritize them and not show our sadness or frustration to them. During the treatment, she lashed out on me a few times and my therapist, I highly recommend having one, said it was very healthy because she trusted me being there and felt comfortable showing her anger. They want to be angry sometimes and it is their natural right, I just be there for her. Let her vent, shout or cry. On the other hand, I cry to other people.

We are not alone, they are not alone. This is a wonderful community here. Hope you get some peace time to time and manage to focus on the moment. It was the hardest for me in our early days.

much love,

BakerStreet

Sep 17, 2019 03:33PM Elephant wrote:

Hi Vidal: I had no functional limitations that affected the arm. For the first two weeks they told me to avoid lifting my arm above shoulder level. After the two weeks were up, I carefully started stretching as much as I could as my breast surgeon had encouraged me to do. That side felt tight,especially the area were the sentinel nodes were (they took out two nodes), but I was able to take a skiing vacation three weeks after the surgery with no particular issues. Sending hugs to your wife for her surgery tomorrow and hoping that she has a quick recovery.

Dec 10, 2019 10:21AM vidal1993 wrote:

A late Thank you to BakerStreet.

Your comments and encouragement are much appreciated.

My wife had her 2nd chemotherapy infusion last Friday after undergoing a lumpectomy and thyroidectomy on September 27th, and she is very tired and often angry.

I try to remember as a caregiver the fear and anxiety she is going through, stay positive and have a thick skin.

Sometimes though you feel helpless.

We have 2 young girls aged 7 and 5, and it is hard to hide your fear sometimes.

My wife's BC is considered Stage 2, and Grade 3. She had 2 lymph nodes removed, and more surgery is coming after chemo (full axillary dissection). She will also undergo treatment for her papillary thyroid cancer.