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Topic: Wife Left Me After Diagnosis of Stage 1 Breast Cancer

Forum: Caring for Someone with Breast cancer —

A place to share your struggles and concerns about supporting and caring for a person you love diagnosed with breast cancer with others who understand.

Posted on: Feb 28, 2020 03:16PM

Neanderthal wrote:

About 2 weeks after my wife communicated that she had Stage 1 BC, she told me that from now on the money she makes above and beyond half the household bills is hers and what she does with it is a secret and none of my business. I told her there's a name for this, Financial Infidelity and that I would not accept that situation. She then moved into an apartment which I agreed with and is now going through the treatment of BC without me to help her. I feel this is an extreme example of passive aggressiveness. That I won't be there to support her through this as her husband makes me feel terrible and she knows this. I communicated that we should table this money issue until after she was well again and she did not respond. Any thoughts?

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Feb 28, 2020 03:29PM bcincolorado wrote:

I am so sorry you are dealing with this right now. I can tell you must still love your wife and want to support her not only financially but also emotionally. I know at the beginning of things (sounds like just diagnosed) there are so many emotions going on and worries. It is possible she is worried and cannot express how she may feel less attractive after surgeries and not the same person you married. She also must feel financially insecure right now as well and maybe money is something she feels she can control. I do not know how long you have been married or if you have children at home or not but I know both of those can also make a difference in her feelings. A support group may be of help to both of you. The local cancer center maybe able to direct you to a free group. It sounds like you both need a place to vent your feelings in a space that feels "safe" to say how scared you both must be feeling right now. Best wishes to you both and may you find your way back together.

Dx 8/2009, IDC, Left, 5cm, Stage IIA, Grade 1, 0/2 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 1/6/2010 Lumpectomy: Left; Lymph node removal: Left Hormonal Therapy 1/14/2010 Tamoxifen pills (Nolvadex, Apo-Tamox, Tamofen, Tamone) Hormonal Therapy 1/29/2016 Femara (letrozole)
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Feb 28, 2020 03:36PM - edited Feb 28, 2020 03:55PM by Neanderthal

Thank you. That she won't talk is a road block. We are well off financially. She is a pharmacist and I am an electrical engineer. We've been married for 18 yrs. and have a 13 yr. old daughter. She also left our home not long ago because, according to her, she thought that I was criticizing her all the time. When she came back she admitted that was not true. This whole thing is so strange.

I should add that just before she left the first time, I had a diagnosis of atrial fibrillation but she left anyway. I am now healthy because my body responded to very small doses of the required medicine and I'm back to normal. Part of me says, "What goes around comes around." Now she's sick and maybe I should just not care and divorce her. I AM divorcing her but I do care.

Now that I'm writing this stuff down I realize how crazy the situation she created is.

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Feb 28, 2020 03:51PM bcincolorado wrote:

She is probably very emotional right now. Even though she is a pharmacist and has medical knowledge that way it is very different being a cancer patient.

We had been married maybe a little longer than you were when I was diagnosed. We had already been through health crisis with my husband (also an EE) who was ill for a few years and needed a transplant. When I was diagnosed we had already faced the reality of losing someone so we saw it a hurdle to get past at that point. I know most EE people are pretty introverted and I imagine pharmacists who have stressful jobs as well may be as well. Expressing emotions may not come easily to either of you.

The fact you have a teenage daughter makes it even harder at home for both of you deal with right now. Our kids were grown with one in college and one married when I was diagnosed and going through my first surgeries.

The hormonal aspect is tremendous. With most medical issues the doctors tell you do "take this" or "do that" and with cancer there are so many decisions and it is really your choice what to do. No matter what your body is never the same. Surgery scars. Weight changes because of medications. You do not see life the same way at all.

Since you have a child at home who needs you both try to focus on your daughter who is probably terrified right now and needs both parents. Hopefully your wife can do that as well.

Dx 8/2009, IDC, Left, 5cm, Stage IIA, Grade 1, 0/2 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 1/6/2010 Lumpectomy: Left; Lymph node removal: Left Hormonal Therapy 1/14/2010 Tamoxifen pills (Nolvadex, Apo-Tamox, Tamofen, Tamone) Hormonal Therapy 1/29/2016 Femara (letrozole)
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Feb 28, 2020 03:55PM Moderators wrote:

Dear Neanderthal,

We are sorry that you find yourself here but glad that you reached out to share your story. We hope you will find support here that will be helpful to you situation.

The Mods

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Feb 28, 2020 04:01PM Neanderthal wrote:

Good points and thanks for the support. I'm desperately in need of it. I have no family. Could it be that now her mortality has become a reality and she's going to do what she believes will make her happy, one of which is being away from me, spending her money as she wants which from what I can tell is day trading.(i.e. gambling)?

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Feb 28, 2020 04:48PM AliceBastable wrote:

When I had my first cancer diagnosis in 2008, the first and strongest thought in my mind was LEAVE TOWN. So I think some of us do have a flight reaction to things like this. I didn't leave because I didn't have the resources, but the urge was really strong. It sounds like flight is your wife's go-to response to medical issues. At Stage 1, her life certainly isn't in danger, but her mind not be seeing that. Of course, if she's left before, there may be other issues in your marriage and she uses medical stuff as an excuse to leave. I hope you can get joint therapy before anything irrevocable is done.

Endometrial cancer 2010, basal cell multiples, breast cancer 2018, kidney cancer 2018. Cancer's a bitch, but I'm a bigger one with more practice. Dx 5/2018, ILC/IDC, Left, 2cm, Stage IA, Grade 2, 1/1 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 7/11/2018 Lumpectomy: Left; Lymph node removal: Sentinel Surgery 8/8/2018 Radiation Therapy 10/29/2018 Whole-breast: Breast, Lymph nodes
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Feb 28, 2020 05:06PM Neanderthal wrote:

Thank you. That someone's response would be "run away" is fascinating. I have to wonder if that's inherited from our primal fight or flight response. Yeah, I think there's other stuff going on in our marriage too, namely her lack of respect for me.

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Feb 28, 2020 05:23PM Neanderthal wrote:

There's this strange idea of, "I'm going to hurt you by going off and dealing with this disease all by myself and not allow you to participate in helping me through it." It's strange and cruel too.

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Feb 28, 2020 06:17PM Salamandra wrote:

Sometimes stress makes us not ourselves, and sometimes stress reveals who we truly are. I would say you are learning about her through this process, though it sounds like you've had hints before.

Dx at 39. 1.8cm. Oncotype 9. Dx 9/19/2018, IDC, Right, 1cm, Stage IA, Grade 2, 0/3 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- (FISH) Surgery 10/17/2018 Lumpectomy; Lymph node removal: Sentinel Hormonal Therapy 11/1/2018 Tamoxifen pills (Nolvadex, Apo-Tamox, Tamofen, Tamone) Radiation Therapy 12/3/2018 Whole-breast: Breast Hormonal Therapy 12/18/2019 Fareston (toremifene)
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Feb 28, 2020 06:41PM Cowgirl13 wrote:

Neanderthal, it sounds like you two have been having big stuff going on way before the cancer diagnosis. I think the combination of the big stuff plus the cancer diagnosis has sent her seeking peace and quiet while she deals with the beginnings of this horrrific diagnosis. When I was first diagnosed I could not have dealt with any outside emotional stress. I understand you feeling blind-sided and perhaps your anger is what she is wanting a break from.

Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning the Devil says: 'Oh crap! She's up! Dx 5/28/2009, IDC, Left, 2cm, Stage IIA, Grade 3, 0/4 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2+ Surgery 6/17/2009 Chemotherapy 8/2/2009 Carboplatin (Paraplatin), Taxotere (docetaxel) Radiation Therapy 12/21/2009 Hormonal Therapy 2/22/2010 Arimidex (anastrozole)
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Feb 28, 2020 10:01PM Neanderthal wrote:

Cowgirl,

I believe you probably hit the nail on the head.


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Feb 28, 2020 11:53PM nonomimi5 wrote:

Neanderthal - I know this must be hard for you because you are worried for her and want to do something to help. But there’s nothing you’d can do if she’s not asking you for any emotional help. She needs her space right now and not worry about how you feel about her actions. I think the best thing you can do to help her is to take care of the household and your daughter so she can focus on herself. Good luck

DX at 53. Surgery at 54. Oncotype 17 Dx 3/23/2018, DCIS/IDC/IDC: Tubular, Right, 2cm, Stage IIA, Grade 2, 0/3 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- (IHC) Surgery 4/30/2018 Lumpectomy; Lymph node removal Radiation Therapy 5/29/2018 Breast Hormonal Therapy 7/1/2018 Tamoxifen pills (Nolvadex, Apo-Tamox, Tamofen, Tamone)
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Feb 29, 2020 01:33AM - edited Feb 29, 2020 01:34AM by voraciousreader

chiming in ...DH is also an EE. And engineers breed engineers.... one of our sons is an engineer and another son works in Tech...so I've spent a lot of time around engineers and tech folks. Not going to generalize about their personalities or foibles. Can only speak from my own experience.DH and sons are very organized in their thinking. Unfortunately, life isn't that organized. So, I can understand how painful this must be for you because she isn't following the imaginary life script. Sprinkle your lives together with some major illnesses and it can make your lives together stronger or, sadly,break. I have no idea how you should be approaching this matter. With that said, I hope you and your child will get counseling. Please contact your child's school if you haven't already. As much as it is a shock to you, I am sure it is an even greater shock to your child. And, with that said, most kids are stronger than you think. Considering all of the illnesses that I have been through and so has the DH, it always surprises me that our three kids turned out ok.


final point, dear friend of mine is now with a lovely man whose former wife survived a breast cancer diagnosis twenty years ago. She also walked out on him and used their two children as bargaining chips. One daughter doesn't speak to the father. Get this...claims he wasn't there for the mother. Second daughter tries to have a relationship with the dad and always feels like she is walking on egg shells with the mother. Dear friend is also divorced. Also had lots of heartache in her marriage and sadly lost one of her three children. When I see the couple together, it makes me feel so happy. They have carved out a happylife together and her sons and one of his daughters are thrilled for them.

Sooo...think of the possibilities...you may get back together and your relationship may grow stronger. Or, a new chapter with some other happy ending may be waiting for you...


I wish you, your child and your wife well...

Doctor told me regarding my prognosis that I WASN'T on the Titanic! Hmmm...Really?....Okay! 02/2010 Pure Mucinous Breast Cancer, Oncotype DX 15, Stage 1, Grade 1, 1.8 cm, 0/2 nodes, ER+ 90% /PR+ 70% HER2- (+1)
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Feb 29, 2020 11:37PM WC3 wrote:

Neanderthal:

I'm very sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds like there might have been some problems in your marriage or discontentment on the part of your wife and maybe breast cancer has caused her to reassess her priorities.

As difficult as it may be for you, if she needs space, then you are taking care of her by giving her that space. It's a natural response to want to try to pull people in closer when they pull away but often times this is counter productive amplifies instability within the relationship.

I think the best thing you can do is to not burden her with relationship issues at the moment. Let her have her time to herself and get through treatment in the manner she wishes. This might allow any negative oscillations in the relationship to dampen out and bring you both to a point where you can work things out.

Pathologic complete response (pCR) to chemotherapy. Dx 2018, IDC, Left, 3cm, Grade 3, ER+/PR+, HER2+ (FISH) Chemotherapy 6/1/2018 Carboplatin (Paraplatin), Taxotere (docetaxel) Surgery 11/15/2018 Lymph node removal: Left, Sentinel; Mastectomy: Left, Right; Reconstruction (left): Tissue expander placement; Reconstruction (right): Tissue expander placement Targeted Therapy Perjeta (pertuzumab) Targeted Therapy Herceptin (trastuzumab) Hormonal Therapy Tamoxifen pills (Nolvadex, Apo-Tamox, Tamofen, Tamone) Surgery Reconstruction (left): Silicone implant; Reconstruction (right): Silicone implant
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Mar 1, 2020 03:15AM JudiJo wrote:

Neanderthal....

I was that person....I was the one that left my partner of 25 years after my diagnosis.

So here goes....knowing nothing of you and your wife, I can only tell you what happened for me.

Our relationship wasn't great, but I fought for it and fought through it. He had been telling me for two years he wasn't happy. I bent over backwards try to find the elusive thing that would make him happy, less stressed. For about 6-12 months prior to my diagnosis, he had been looking for homes in the country so "we" could get away from traffic and city life. He never asked me my opinion about it, he just started looking.

About two weeks after my diagnosis, I told him I wanted to sell the house and separate. It wasn't that I didn't love him, but I knew I couldn't fight both fights at once. I am sure he really wanted to step up and be my protector or hero or whatever, but really...If he couldn't do it when life was easy, what would possibly make me think he could sustain that mode for the 9-12 months of treatment I was going to go through. In the 25 years we were together, he never had to the grocery store - he hadn't made a meal in 20 years - didn't do a whole lot of the child rearing. He cleaned and did his own laundry, but mostly because he didn't like the way I did it. He might have managed for a couple of months to put on a happy face and not be resentful, but after that....probably not. Not only that, who was I to keep him from his "dream home" while he waited for me. He tried to back pedal when I said I was done, but it just didn't feel very safe.

Looking back on some of the stuff that happened over what turned out to be 18 months of treatment....He would have failed miserably at being supportive the whole time. I would have been resentful. It would have been a disaster.

I didn't want to talk, because he wasn't listening.

I was lucky - I managed through my treatments(s) fairly well.

Do I miss our house? - Sure. Do I miss my old life? - Sure. Do I miss him? - sure. Do I still love him? - sure. Does he love me? - I think so, but I can't speak for him. Would I do it again?....yea - probably.

We see each other now and are working on our relationship. Some days I think it's a great idea, some days I remember why we aren't together anymore.

Show up for your wife if and when she asks you to. Be there for your daughter because she needs you,



Dx 8/4/2017, IDC, 2cm, Stage IIB, Grade 3, 0/1 nodes, ER-/PR-, HER2- Surgery 1/10/2018 Lumpectomy: Right Chemotherapy 6/2/2018 Xeloda (capecitabine) Chemotherapy Cytoxan (cyclophosphamide), Taxotere (docetaxel) Radiation Therapy Whole-breast: Breast
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Mar 1, 2020 10:38AM hapa wrote:

JudiJo - thank you for sharing something so personal. I wish you and your husband the best, regardless of how things turn out for your relationship. I can understand the feeling of not wanting to fight two battles at once.

Neanderthal - I've thought many times that I wish I were single so I could just focus on my cancer fight, but never took the step of leaving. My husband is a good person and he definitely cares, but he does not know how to be supportive. Good luck to you and your family.


Dx 3/20/2018, IDC, Right, 3cm, Stage IIIA, 3/18 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2+ (FISH) Targeted Therapy 3/28/2018 Herceptin (trastuzumab) Targeted Therapy 3/28/2018 Perjeta (pertuzumab) Chemotherapy 3/28/2018 Carboplatin (Paraplatin), Taxotere (docetaxel) Surgery 8/22/2018 Lymph node removal: Right, Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy: Right; Prophylactic mastectomy: Left; Reconstruction (left): Silicone implant; Reconstruction (right): Silicone implant Radiation Therapy 10/22/2018 Whole-breast: Lymph nodes, Chest wall Hormonal Therapy 12/21/2018 Arimidex (anastrozole), Zoladex (goserelin) Targeted Therapy Nerlynx
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Mar 1, 2020 11:45AM nonomimi5 wrote:

Judijo - your story is so real and summarizes how ultimately we all go through this fight alone because no one, bless their hearts, can really understand what we go through everyday. Only fellow sisters. Thank you for sharing

DX at 53. Surgery at 54. Oncotype 17 Dx 3/23/2018, DCIS/IDC/IDC: Tubular, Right, 2cm, Stage IIA, Grade 2, 0/3 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- (IHC) Surgery 4/30/2018 Lumpectomy; Lymph node removal Radiation Therapy 5/29/2018 Breast Hormonal Therapy 7/1/2018 Tamoxifen pills (Nolvadex, Apo-Tamox, Tamofen, Tamone)
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Mar 5, 2020 02:13PM - edited Mar 5, 2020 02:14PM by Neanderthal

Thank you for all of the input and it is very helpful to me. I'm currently going down the path of divorcing her. All of you with this disease should know that not letting the ones who love you help you through it (even if they really can't) is incredibly mean and cruel. It's saying, "You're a problem I just can't deal with right now." When you say that to someone be sure you mean it because if your spouse has any respect for himself/herself they will and should move on. Communicating this message to your spouse is unforgivable in my opinion. I suspect that most of you wouldn't dream of this and welcome help and support; to turn it away is a terrible thing to do to someone who loves you.

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Mar 5, 2020 02:23PM edj3 wrote:

Dude. I think you sort of missed the point everyone's been sharing.

Regardless, best of luck to you and to your wife as she goes through this treatment.

Tried the tamoxifen, no thanks. Dx 4/9/2019, IDC, Left, <1cm, Stage IA, Grade 2, 0/1 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- (IHC) Dx 5/6/2019, LCIS, Left, <1cm, 0/1 nodes Surgery 5/6/2019 Lumpectomy; Lymph node removal: Sentinel Radiation Therapy 6/3/2019 Whole-breast: Breast Hormonal Therapy 9/23/2019 Tamoxifen pills (Nolvadex, Apo-Tamox, Tamofen, Tamone)
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Mar 5, 2020 02:39PM Spookiesmom wrote:

Agree, you’re missing the wife’s point. You sound very controlling in all aspects of her life. I can’t say I blame her at all. You *think* you love her. You love controlling her. Sorry, not sorry.

Reoccurrence 3-19. Dx IDC, Stage IIIA, Grade 3
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Mar 5, 2020 02:59PM santabarbarian wrote:

I agree with edj3. Let's face it, your screen name is a clue of some possible obtuseness you are at least partly aware of.

Look, *she* has cancer. For the next 6-12 months she wants to hunker down to fight and heal, and not to tote you and your obtuseness around on top of the 1000 pound bag of cancer. You are DOING what you accuse her of in response to HER crisis. You who claim to be so great did not hesitate to DOUBLE her crisis and act vindictively. It is not about you, yet you made it that way. If she were a horribly selfish withdrawer, you'd have known that long before cancer, and been out of there long ago.

Sometimes the best help you can give a person is provide gentle space and sure belief, looking for cracks of light or ways to be of service.

In my experience, some perfectly decent and well meaning men despite trying to "help" are in fact *burdens,* especially in any crisis, because of their inability to intuit the needs of the other person/the situation (mild, not malignant, narcissism). Or they are too emotionally fragile inside themselves and get tense ... cannot even feign, let alone be the rock solid, back ground helper that a cancer patient needs. There is fundamental not-getting-it that is exhausting and very depressing.... to have to explain and re-explain one's needs to a person who lacks the neural pathways to hear you or even fathom it, and thus does not take in what is meant even if they are trying.

My sister was a DISASTER as a visitor.... I needed brow-cooling, food, and a lot of sleep; I needed someone to take charge in a quiet way and not be needy themselves and let me be the princess and the pea and not have to think. She wanted me to tell her everything and author everything (which was the obverse of my need). She was sooo not intuitive to my need.

My sister and I are very close and I know she loves me-- this is simply not her skill set. She has no kids. She does not know how to come and go from a sick room, softly leaving beverages and keeping track of pill times, or be in the next room reading a book. She wanted to be told so that she could do it and she did not understand how hard it was for me to think, plan the menu, etc.

That does not mean she does not love me, but it means I did better without her caring for me. Perhaps this is how your wife feels.


pCR after neoadjuvant chemo w/ integrative practices; Proton rads. Dx 7/13/2018, IDC, Left, 3cm, Stage IIB, Grade 3, ER-/PR-, HER2- (FISH) Chemotherapy 8/12/2018 Carboplatin (Paraplatin), Taxotere (docetaxel) Surgery 12/27/2018 Lumpectomy: Left Radiation Therapy 2/11/2019 Whole-breast: Breast, Lymph nodes
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Mar 5, 2020 08:49PM - edited Mar 6, 2020 03:38AM by ShetlandPony

Edited: ok This is a waste of time. Deleting my previous comments. The story changes, a different perspective is not actually wanted. I’m out of here. I hope it all works out for the best.

2011 Stage I ILC 1.5cm grade1 ITCs sn Lumpectomy,radiation,tamoxifen. 2014 Stage IV ILC mets breast,liver. TaxolNEAD. Ibrance+letrozole 2yrs. Fas+afinitor nope. XelodaNEAD 2yrs. Eribulin,Doxil nope. SUMMIT FaslodexHerceptinNeratinib for Her2mut NEAD
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Mar 5, 2020 10:27PM JudiJo wrote:

Neanderthal -

You missed the point of my story entirely - I suspect she isn't talking because your aren't listening. I suspect you haven't listened for a while.

From your responses, it sounds like she may be making a good choice. Maybe not forever, but at least for now.

Right now - your attitude seems to indicate that you wouldn't / couldn't be supportive. Indications from your posts are that you would fail miserably and she would have to deal with disappointment as well as the disease. There is a treatment plan for the disease, but there's nothing that's going to cure the disappointment.

Lest you think that once treatment is done things go back to the way they were before, it's not over when the treatment is over. The fear is there...The fear if will it come back and she will leave her child too early, before she is ready. Every mammogram or 6 month check up it's low grade anxiety for the week leading up to it. Every time you have a new ache or pain, it's wondering if this is a symptom of a reoccurance. Even when it's good news, it's doesn't feel that way for a long time. It lurks in the back of your mind.....like a phantom.

It's not her job to make sure you feel good about yourself and how you are handling this. it's not her job to massage your ego. If you want to handle it well - if you want to be supportive, then do so. The ladies have told you how. You just can't hear it....get it....DO YOU HEAR US NOW?

PS: you seemed awfully concerned with how she spends income over and above the household bills. What's that all about?

Dx 8/4/2017, IDC, 2cm, Stage IIB, Grade 3, 0/1 nodes, ER-/PR-, HER2- Surgery 1/10/2018 Lumpectomy: Right Chemotherapy 6/2/2018 Xeloda (capecitabine) Chemotherapy Cytoxan (cyclophosphamide), Taxotere (docetaxel) Radiation Therapy Whole-breast: Breast
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Mar 5, 2020 10:51PM MinusTwo wrote:

Wow - right on ladies. Sorry Neanderthal - your posts don't do you much credit. Wishing your wife well. Hope you'll still step up & pay for the medical bills or at least give her alimony through this troubling time.

I'm so grateful that my ex-DH and I ended up being friends after a few years of stress. We separated well before cancer. He re-married 25 years ago & I'm still single. My grown son came to town for the 3 cancer surgeries. But my ex-DH is the one I call for medical rides when they won't let me drive - like after cataract surgeries or my broken arm. We could NOT live together, but he tries to support me the best he can as a friend.

2/15/11 BMX-DCIS 2SNB clear-TEs; 9/15/11-410gummies; 3/20/13 recurrance-5.5cm,mets to lymphs, Stage IIIB IDC ER/PRneg,HER2+; TCH/Perjeta/Neulasta x6; ALND 9/24/13 1/18 nodes 4.5cm; AC chemo 10/30/13 x3; herceptin again; Rads Feb2014
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Mar 5, 2020 11:49PM Neanderthal wrote:

Thank you for all the responses. I hear you but completely disagree with your attacks, groundless assumptions and conjecture. It’s all too easy to attack someone from the safety of your living room and faceless keyboard. The facts are that she has a gambling problem in the form of day trading and is choosing that addiction over our family. I’m not going to be an enabler, cancer or not. I’m going to set a good example as a man, husband and father for our daughter. She wants to hide money which is known as “financial infidelity” but you all seem OK with that. Just don’tdivorce one of your sisters with the same disease as you. Anyone that knows us personally supports my decision to divorce her and in fact wonders why I’ve stuck it out as long as I have with her.

You folks exhibit gang mentality and group thought.

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Mar 6, 2020 12:04AM AliceBastable wrote:

Wow, you really want to look like a hero to yourself, but what you sound like is someone whose loyalty disappears as soon as life isn't perfect FOR YOU.

Endometrial cancer 2010, basal cell multiples, breast cancer 2018, kidney cancer 2018. Cancer's a bitch, but I'm a bigger one with more practice. Dx 5/2018, ILC/IDC, Left, 2cm, Stage IA, Grade 2, 1/1 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 7/11/2018 Lumpectomy: Left; Lymph node removal: Sentinel Surgery 8/8/2018 Radiation Therapy 10/29/2018 Whole-breast: Breast, Lymph nodes
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Mar 6, 2020 12:16AM SimoneRC wrote:

me thinks we’re being trolled....


ATM Gene Mutation, Deletion. IDC w/Lobular Features and Focal Mucinous Features. Pre Pectoral Reconstruction. Hysterectomy
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Mar 6, 2020 08:58AM NancyHB wrote:

Neanderthal - a diagnosis of cancer is a big, huge, life-changing event that creates physical, emotional, financial, and maybe even spiritual crises. Crisis itself tends to focus and magnify our lives, particularly our relationships (with our selves and our partners, children, friends, coworkers, even strangers). A relationship that was strong prior to our diagnosis often gets stronger; one that was fractured before may blow apart. If your wife wasn’t happy before, this may have become a turning point for her as she moves into crisis mode. Her gambling may now provide an escape from the reality of her situation - even if it’s an unhealthy coping mechanism. Sometimes we just don’t cope well, because cancer really sucks.

While I can’t speak for every man out there, I know men oftentimes are “fixers” - they want to take care of a situation and fix it and make it all better so that the ones they love aren’t suffering. My DH jumped into fix-it mode the minute I was first diagnosed and has stayed at that level for many years. It’s exhausting - for both of us - for him to be in that place. And frankly, I don’t want to be “fixed”. He can’t love the cancer out of me; sometimes his determination and empathy feel smothering. That’s my anger at my situation, and I have every right to be angry. However - I also understand he wants to fix this because he’s afraid of losing me and wants me around. He has stood by and watched me endure some pretty shitty treatment; he can’t do that for me, but he can do other things to make my life easier. So while we sometimes swing wide in our cancer crisis, ultimately we chose to come back around and do this together.

Just because you want to support and help her doesn’t mean she wants that - and just because she doesn’t want what you have to offer doesn’t make her the bad guy in all of this. You can walk away - at the end of the day she still has cancer.
"Be happy for this moment. This moment is your life." - Omar Khayyam Dx 11/22/2011, IDC, Left, 1cm, Grade 2, ER+/PR-, HER2- (FISH) Surgery 12/4/2011 Lumpectomy: Left; Lymph node removal: Sentinel Chemotherapy 1/18/2012 AC + T (Taxol) Radiation Therapy 6/11/2012 Whole-breast: Breast, Lymph nodes Dx 1/27/2016, IDC, Left, 1cm, Grade 3, 0/4 nodes, ER-/PR-, HER2- Surgery 2/14/2016 Lumpectomy; Lymph node removal: Left Chemotherapy 2/29/2016 Cytoxan (cyclophosphamide), Taxotere (docetaxel) Surgery 7/20/2016 Mastectomy: Left; Reconstruction (left): DIEP flap Dx 1/31/2017, IDC, Stage IV, metastasized to bone
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Mar 6, 2020 09:16AM edj3 wrote:

Yep trolled.

No one has attacked you. Not a single poster.

Again, best of luck to your wife should she ever stumble across this forum--I hope her treatment plan goes well and she has the best possible outcome.

Tried the tamoxifen, no thanks. Dx 4/9/2019, IDC, Left, <1cm, Stage IA, Grade 2, 0/1 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- (IHC) Dx 5/6/2019, LCIS, Left, <1cm, 0/1 nodes Surgery 5/6/2019 Lumpectomy; Lymph node removal: Sentinel Radiation Therapy 6/3/2019 Whole-breast: Breast Hormonal Therapy 9/23/2019 Tamoxifen pills (Nolvadex, Apo-Tamox, Tamofen, Tamone)
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Mar 6, 2020 11:35AM flashlight wrote:

Your wife is a pharmacist and you are an electrical engineer. Both very intelligent people with high math skills. My husband is also mostly analytical and methodical in his thinking. To this day every email/text sounds like a business letter. I'm a right-brained person and more creative/emotional in my thinking. This does not make you a controlling, insensitive person. Your wife has 2-illnesses. One is BC and the other is an addiction. Being the smart person she is she probably left because she feels that she has no control of either. In a short period of time the addiction is going to devastate her financially and maybe she is already over her head in debt. Your main concern has to be your daughter. Therapy has to start for all of you. Gambling addiction is often seen as a mental health disorder. As I have found with an alcoholic Uncle, even when he hit rock bottom, he was the one who decided he needed to change. No one can make them. Your wife is smart and somewhere deep down she knows she needs help. Maybe counseling can be part of the divorce to get her started in the right direction? A lot of us on this site complain about our husbands. As upset with him as I sometimes get I'm always glad to be folded up in his arms for a supportive, loving hug at the end of the day.


Dx 11/15/2018, IDC, Left, 1cm, Stage IA, Grade 2, 0/1 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Dx DCIS, Left, <1cm, Stage 0, Grade 1, 0/1 nodes Hormonal Therapy Tamoxifen pills (Nolvadex, Apo-Tamox, Tamofen, Tamone) Radiation Therapy Surgery Lumpectomy: Left

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