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Mar 1, 2020 12:15AM
I was that person....I was the one that left my partner of 25 years after my diagnosis.
So here goes....knowing nothing of you and your wife, I can only tell you what happened for me.
Our relationship wasn't great, but I fought for it and fought through it. He had been telling me for two years he wasn't happy. I bent over backwards try to find the elusive thing that would make him happy, less stressed. For about 6-12 months prior to my diagnosis, he had been looking for homes in the country so "we" could get away from traffic and city life. He never asked me my opinion about it, he just started looking.
About two weeks after my diagnosis, I told him I wanted to sell the house and separate. It wasn't that I didn't love him, but I knew I couldn't fight both fights at once. I am sure he really wanted to step up and be my protector or hero or whatever, but really...If he couldn't do it when life was easy, what would possibly make me think he could sustain that mode for the 9-12 months of treatment I was going to go through. In the 25 years we were together, he never had to the grocery store - he hadn't made a meal in 20 years - didn't do a whole lot of the child rearing. He cleaned and did his own laundry, but mostly because he didn't like the way I did it. He might have managed for a couple of months to put on a happy face and not be resentful, but after that....probably not. Not only that, who was I to keep him from his "dream home" while he waited for me. He tried to back pedal when I said I was done, but it just didn't feel very safe.
Looking back on some of the stuff that happened over what turned out to be 18 months of treatment....He would have failed miserably at being supportive the whole time. I would have been resentful. It would have been a disaster.
I didn't want to talk, because he wasn't listening.
I was lucky - I managed through my treatments(s) fairly well.
Do I miss our house? - Sure. Do I miss my old life? - Sure. Do I miss him? - sure. Do I still love him? - sure. Does he love me? - I think so, but I can't speak for him. Would I do it again?....yea - probably.
We see each other now and are working on our relationship. Some days I think it's a great idea, some days I remember why we aren't together anymore.
Show up for your wife if and when she asks you to. Be there for your daughter because she needs you,
8/4/2017, IDC, 2cm, Stage IIB, Grade 3, 0/1 nodes, ER-/PR-, HER2-
1/11/2018 Lumpectomy: Right
6/3/2018 Xeloda (capecitabine)
Cytoxan (cyclophosphamide), Taxotere (docetaxel)