Oct 4, 2021 03:51PM dadof3ohio wrote:

Hi Hopefuldad,

I've been there and continue to be there with my wife through her treatments that have spanned two years. I also lacked a strong social network to provide support and felt that a therapist was helpful. I saw someone for a few months before recently moving my whole family 1000 miles. We have not stopped living life to the fullest and have prioritized getting my wife the best care possible. My spouse is stage 3 and had a huge tumor along with lots of nodes positive. None of it has the greatest prognosis but there are many on these boards that show that the prognosis is very individual and nothing is in a straight line. I encourage you to take care of yourself kind of like the "put your mask on first" for an airplane ride and just keep pushing forward. I have a few health issues myself and worry god forbid something happens to both of us. My answer was to quickly buy up as much life insurance as I could afford since my health doesn't have any restrictions like my wife. If we had known what was coming perhaps we would have done that with her as well. Unfortunately, a cancer diagnosis takes away a lot of options in terms of financial safety nets.

Hope you're doing well and things are going well for your wife.

Oct 4, 2021 05:10PM Hopefulldad wrote:

Hi Dadof3Ohio -- I really appreciate your thoughts. It's been tough -- we had several pending tests that all worked out well but just like that there is a new blood test that has put us back on our heels. I've been going to a therapist and felt like I was making progress but had a major setback and let my own health anxiety get the best of me. I realized today -- after getting my own bloodwork -- that I really can't trust my judgements at all about my health, or probably the health of my loved ones. My thinking and perceptions are distorted on this topic, at least just enough to make them useless. I have to find a way to be an attentive and responsible father and partner but leave the medicine to the doctors. I feel so bad for putting my wife through my own imaginary health problems when she is the one who has a much more serious threat. Each moment of relief for me puts her situation back in her head. I don't think I'm nearly this selfish in other parts of our life -- but this anxiety freezes me in my tracks and makes me feel that there is no hope. I'm sure I just came into this with some heavy anxiety baggage and it will make my process a challenge. I've definitely got a better handle on some of it. Thanks again!

Oct 12, 2021 09:01PM vidal1993 wrote:

Hi HopefulDad:

I too would like to offer my support and encouragement and share my story.

In June 2019, my wife was diagnosed with Stage 2A breast cancer with lymph node involvement (Tumor Grade 3), and simultaneously diagnosed with thyroid cancer. She also has other medical problems, including Type II diabetes, high blood pressure, and anxiety.

Since her cancer diagnosis, she has undergone 2 surgeries, chemotherapy, and hormone therapy. We have 2 daughters aged 8 and 6.

You mention guilt about a breast cancer diagnosis. I share that. My wife and I started our family late, and she took progesterone to enhance her fertility. Apparently, that increases the risk of breast cancer.

I can honestly say the last 2 years or so have been the most difficult of my entire life. When she was diagnosed, I had to assume essentially 3 full time jobs: the role of full-time caregiver and dad while working full-time as a lawyer. We have some family support from my parents, but COVID complicated that. My wife's own mother died of the same cancer she has so you can imagine the anxiety that has caused her.

The one thing I regret was not realizing just how difficult this was going to be at the outset. There were times when I still worked a little too hard at work, thinking that I was helping by bringing in income. I pushed back at work, but not hard enough. There are times when your wife just wants you to be there for her.

When COVID-19 struck, my wife's 2nd surgery was delayed and the level of tension and anxiety in our house was off the chart.

Throughout, I have drawn on my strong Christian faith. But at times, I felt I was going to break down.

I echo the posts on this board that recognize the futility of worry.

We never know what tomorrow will bring. I live life with a little less fear and concern about all of the little things. I also recognize what a short time we are all here for--these may be some of the benefits of the diagnosis.

As I write this, we are waiting for test results as a nodule has been spotted in her left lung. I will be trying to live in the moment, but we know how hard that is.

Oct 18, 2021 07:25PM vidal1993 wrote:

Hi HopefulDad:

Great that you are able to acknowledge the need for help and get it. You are right--it is a significant moment when you decide to get the help after thinking about it for a period of time.

My wife's cancer has caused me a tremendous amount of anxiety, and I wear it on my sleeve. I've reached out to a few friends, but I am finding now 2 years in that people aren't as interested or sympathetic as they used to be. They just don't get it. Some of my extended family members have even wondered if my wife really is experiencing the pain she goes through.

I am sure that my girls can sense my concern sometimes. They don't say anything--we learned that children are very good at hiding their fear and "shielding" you from their emotions. But we found that that one of our kids confided to her friend about how frightened she was.

Still waiting until November 8 when my wife can have her CT scan on her lung. At least we will know if it is anything to worry about.

Nov 2, 2021 05:20PM vidal1993 wrote:

Edwards750:

Thanks for your reassuring message. I expect it will be nothing waiting is on fun. November 8 is the test.

Yes it is hard for caregivers. But if the experience has taught me anything it is how pointless worry is. So much is beyond our control in life. So I try to be a little happier and smile a little more.