Topic: My Husband, My Life, My Love, My Family, My Cancer

Forum: Stage IV/Metastatic Breast Cancer, Open to All To Contribute — Topics here are started by members with a Stage IV/Metastatic Breast Cancer diagnosis, but open to all members to contribute to discussions. Please note that there is a separate forum, Stage IV/Metastatic Breast Cancer ONLY, where topics are open only to those members.

Posted on: Jul 7, 2017 01:38AM - edited Oct 28, 2019 04:42PM by micmel

Posted on: Jul 7, 2017 01:38AM - edited Oct 28, 2019 04:42PM by micmel

micmel wrote:

As I go through this forced path I have been thrown down, I have come to realize the love I have always had for my husband was strong. He is amazing and I love him with my very soul and entire heart. Never would I ever imagine the thought of dying and him being alone. Then the worst part hit me!! I can't seem to shake the horrible sorrow of thinking of another woman taking my place in his life and his heart, and if I Am honest his bed. He is my best friend and the love of my life, I would never need another for any reason. He makes my life complete, and then this happens. How do I process that I most likely won't be the one growing old on the porch that we have talked about, how do I process, someone else sitting in that chair? I hate this trajectory path I've been spun onto, and everyday I feel grief and deep sorrow. How do I live everyday knowing in the back of my mind, I feel like a place holder, for another woman who will be stepping into my life when I die of this horrible disease, more sooner than later. Why would I even want to take any medicines or treatments, when the answer is pretty obviously in front of my face.? Why do we fight so hard for something we cannot control ? Why do we hurt so badly thinking about letting go, or giving up? It's a four letter word that holds so much power. That word is LOVE..... If you have ever felt this way. Share with me, because I understand, I feel this way everyday. I also don't know what to do with the sadness of loss or how to process the process of dying. However slow or fast it may be. Please share your love stories with me, how did you meet? How long together? I want to know your stories, everyone has their person. Everyone loves.....tell me about your family, your friends, your life too, as if this was your living room. ♥️

We are team FU cancer (Named by Parry, our sweet sister) and this is our Lol pub and living room. Welcome, put your feet up and just be you!

Everyone has to dance, they just don’t know what song they will get. Dx 1/22/2016, IDC, Left, 4cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 2, 13/35 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 2/10/2016 AC Surgery 6/21/2016 Lymph node removal; Lymph node removal (Left): Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy; Mastectomy (Left) Chemotherapy 7/20/2016 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 11/7/2016 Ibrance (palbociclib) Surgery Chemotherapy Chemotherapy Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole)
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Jul 7, 2017 02:30AM divinemrsm wrote:

Micmel, I am not sure how old you are. I was in my early 50s when diagnosed. It took me a long time to process my changed life. One way I dealt with the sadness was to keep a journal, writing three pages in the morning of any and everything on my mind. It helps get thoughts in order and I can't recommend it highly enough.

I think if I go before my husband, he is the type to find female company. I see it happen a lot in our small town. I have mixed feelings about it, but it is what it is. And I think dh is the type to have a woman take advantage of him, so he may not weather the new relationship thing so well.

But I most often do not even think about it.We have been married 25+ years and there is love and respect and a history we have together. As I continue living with this disease, I am more about me. Yep, I lovemy husband, son and all family and friends, but I am still allowed to have a life and live for me. I seek meaningful interactions with people I am close to and like trying new things, even simple new things (like going to the pool today by myself for the first time) and continuing to havenice times and memorable times with my loved ones. I simply cannot spend much time worrying about that which I cannot control.

found lump 12-22-10—ilc—er+/pr+/her2—stage iv bone mets—chemo~lumpectomy~radiation~arimidex—March 2019-ibrance/aromasin* —Sept 2019-verzenio* —March 2020-xeloda*
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Jul 7, 2017 04:10AM micmel wrote:

Divine~ Thank you, I am 47 and was diagnosed at 45. The bottom dropped out of my world and while it was spinning, the only one who held onto me, was him. He has been the only constant thing in my life, since I have been gifted and blessed enough to find him. Even though he drives me crazy sometimes. I adore him like no other. They say there is only one. I know for me it's him. Always has been right from the day I laid eyes on him. I may try a journal, sounds like a good idea. I have to find someplace to put all my sadness and emotion because the grief makes me feel like I am not able to really live any sort of life, because I am always so deeply broken and sad In the inside. And sex.....? Another thing I am just so broken. I can't seem to pick myself up. And live this life that I one day just woke up with. Thank you for sharing how you cope. It means a lot. Hugs ~M~
Everyone has to dance, they just don’t know what song they will get. Dx 1/22/2016, IDC, Left, 4cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 2, 13/35 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 2/10/2016 AC Surgery 6/21/2016 Lymph node removal; Lymph node removal (Left): Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy; Mastectomy (Left) Chemotherapy 7/20/2016 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 11/7/2016 Ibrance (palbociclib) Surgery Chemotherapy Chemotherapy Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole)
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Jul 7, 2017 04:11AM - edited Jul 7, 2017 04:26AM by micmel

This Post was deleted by micmel.
Everyone has to dance, they just don’t know what song they will get. Dx 1/22/2016, IDC, Left, 4cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 2, 13/35 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 2/10/2016 AC Surgery 6/21/2016 Lymph node removal; Lymph node removal (Left): Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy; Mastectomy (Left) Chemotherapy 7/20/2016 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 11/7/2016 Ibrance (palbociclib) Surgery Chemotherapy Chemotherapy Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole)
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Jul 7, 2017 04:38AM cure-ious wrote:

MicMel- do you have children? I have a different concern about DH, I love him dearly but he is definitely the type who would need to have a partner by his side in life, no matter how old he may be when I am gone. My concern is how to create an inheritance for my kids-in our system he will inherit the $$$ and the house, and can do with it as he wishes. Most likely, he will re-marry someone who already has kids, and my children would then only inherit a portion of the estate that I leave behind, and then only after his death and/or potentially the death of his second spouse ( if she even decides to leave anything to my kids). Legally I am surprised to find that there seems to be very little I can do about it, unless I want to get a divorce, it's crazy.

Dx 10/2003, IDC, Stage IIB, ER+/PR+, HER2- Dx 7/2015, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, ER+/PR-, HER2-
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Jul 7, 2017 04:44AM minustwo wrote:

I don't believe that is true If you are in a community property state. Your husband legally inherits half of your estate in that case. You can do what you wish with the other half. You can leave it in trust for your children and have a 3rd party as the trustee (like a sister). Please do see an attorney.

2/15/11 BMX-DCIS 2SNB clear-TEs; 9/15/11-410gummies; 3/20/13 recurrance-5.5cm,mets to lymphs, Stage IIIB IDC ER/PRneg,HER2+; TCH/Perjeta/Neulasta x6; ALND 9/24/13 1/18 nodes 4.5cm; AC chemo 10/30/13 x3; herceptin again; Rads Feb2014
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Jul 7, 2017 05:17AM Kandy wrote:

Micmel, this is one topic that not only breaks my, it drives me crazy. I met my husband when I was 14. We have been together every since. Obviously we have our disagreements but other than that I have had a fairy tale life. The thought of another lady moving into my space haunts me. We have discussed this multiple times. He says it will never happen, I think it will because he's a good catch. Plus he is still young to think he will not want a partner. He's 58. I can't say I don't think about it anymore, but like Ms Divine says, you can't control it. It might have became easier when I went on anti anxiety and antidepressants. If you are not taking something, I strongly recommend it. I also have mixed emotions about this. I want him to find happiness cause he deserves it. If that helps then maybe that eases the pain. I'm not sure there is a good answer to this. I can't wait to see what others say. Wishing you the best. Enjoy the moment.

Dx 1/20/2009, IDC, 1cm, Stage IIIA, Grade 3, 4/9 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 2/26/2009 Lumpectomy: Left; Lymph node removal: Left, Underarm/Axillary Chemotherapy 3/9/2009 Adriamycin (doxorubicin), Cytoxan (cyclophosphamide), Gemzar (gemcitabine), Navelbine (vinorelbine) Radiation Therapy 10/7/2009 Breast, Lymph nodes Hormonal Therapy 1/4/2010 Arimidex (anastrozole) Dx 10/31/2013, IDC, Stage IV, Grade 3, ER+/PR+, HER2- Radiation Therapy 11/18/2013 3DCRT: Bone Hormonal Therapy 12/3/2013 Faslodex (fulvestrant) Targeted Therapy 10/7/2016 Afinitor (everolimus) Hormonal Therapy 10/31/2016 Aromasin (exemestane) Chemotherapy 2/2/2017 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Chemotherapy 5/8/2017 Carboplatin (Paraplatin) Chemotherapy 8/15/2017 Halaven (eribulin) Targeted Therapy
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Jul 7, 2017 06:01AM - edited Jul 7, 2017 12:23PM by micmel

Kandy~Cureious~minus two~ Thank you for all of your responses. I wrestle with this every single waking moment. I had to make a thread about it, to see how others cope and maybe what the heck I am doing wrong. I do have children, one DD who is 21, one DSwho is 20, and a SS from my DHs prior marriage. who is 16. We have a beautifully blended family and with our kids blood means nothing. It's a sweet loving caring family that We have made. I don't come from a close family at all, so for me this was it in many ways. My little oasis. I try to talk myself out offthe ledge everyday and I can totally relate to the estate issues. I want to make sure my kids are well taken care of and I don't want some other woman reaping the joys of my family. I never even thought about that until you just brought it up. As you can see I am newly into this line of thinking. It sends me into a dark panic room and no one has the key. I don't want to be selfish and say I want him alone because that would be mean. But I also don't want to think of a time where he would just be ok without me by his side. Like I was never there. I am also afraid I would never Rest In Peace without loving him. Thank you for your thoughtful responses. I looked all around for a thread to express these emotions. Wether they are emotional or relationship anger, confusion, sexual frustrations or anxieties about trying again after treatments. I needed a place to talk about these things with people who understand. So thank you all. 💐💐gn ~M~

Everyone has to dance, they just don’t know what song they will get. Dx 1/22/2016, IDC, Left, 4cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 2, 13/35 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 2/10/2016 AC Surgery 6/21/2016 Lymph node removal; Lymph node removal (Left): Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy; Mastectomy (Left) Chemotherapy 7/20/2016 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 11/7/2016 Ibrance (palbociclib) Surgery Chemotherapy Chemotherapy Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole)
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Jul 7, 2017 11:13AM Freya wrote:

Micmel, I too struggle with the thought of my husband being alone and sad when I die. I love and adore him, he is my lover, my husband, my best friend. We are together 24/7, and never run out of things to talk or laugh about. We live in a remote area, we have no neighbours, his children (adults) live in a different state. It breaks my heart to think of him being so alone, no one to talk to, no one to hold him.

This is where our paths diverge. I want him to get married again or at least find a partner. He will probably live another 25 years or so, way too long to be alone. He says he doesn't want some one else, and will be fine by himself. I think humans are social creatures, we need companionship and physical contact. I want someone to love him and care for him.

This whole subject is the only thing that DH and I disagree on. I tell him, if you find someone new and she moves in, let her redecorate if she wants to, let her make it her home too, promise me you won't turn the place into some sort of shrine. If you meet someone a week after I die, go for it. All he says is that there will never be anyone else, that depresses me.

Anyhow, I hope you don't mind me joining your thread. It is something that is causing us both angst, even coming at it from opposing views.


Dx 2009, ILC/IDC, Right, 6cm+, Stage IV, metastasized to bone/liver, Grade 3, 14/22 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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Jul 7, 2017 12:21PM - edited Jul 7, 2017 12:46PM by micmel

Freya~ I need any view and every view for me to able to live through this awful sense of loss that I have already. He tells me the same things. That for him, I am it , and he doesn't even mind being alone. I guess either way I look at, it shatters me into splinters that cannot be put back together. I have always wanted nothing but happiness for him. I wanted nothing More that to Be that one forever, and My heart cannot be told another ending or it will just cease to exsist. You're a wonderfully uplifting and strong woman. I appreciate your feelings and thoughts and would want any opinion, any thought and shared suggestion. I just believed that this was one topic i noticed wasn't a part of the stage four forums, this topic scares me more than any procedure, and I have always known I could never be on this earth without him. With this happening, and changing what we thought was our future together sends me into a dark place alone. Because at the end of our lives, we all go alone,And all I have ever wanted was to be with him. Always. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me. They help tremendously. ~ M~

Everyone has to dance, they just don’t know what song they will get. Dx 1/22/2016, IDC, Left, 4cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 2, 13/35 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 2/10/2016 AC Surgery 6/21/2016 Lymph node removal; Lymph node removal (Left): Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy; Mastectomy (Left) Chemotherapy 7/20/2016 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 11/7/2016 Ibrance (palbociclib) Surgery Chemotherapy Chemotherapy Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole)
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Jul 7, 2017 02:00PM shutterbug73 wrote:

Micmel - your post could have been written by me when I was first diagnosed almost 3 years ago at 41. I've never been a jealous person, but I couldn't stop thinking about someone else taking my place and living my life. It made me more sad than having cancer! I even had a dream once about my husband bringing another woman to a party. I woke up so mad at him!

These feelings are natural. We have so much to digest, and leaving our loved ones prematurely is a difficult one. I can say that over time I started thinking about it less and less. I can't say I'm thrilled by the idea of him meeting someone else, but I wouldn't want him to be alone. Now I try to concentrate on enjoying today, making memories, and basking in his love for as long as possible. What happens after is up to him.

I still get jealous of old couples though. I want that so much.

“‎Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.” ― Voltaire Treatment summary: 9/15/14: Also began with Xgeva every 6 weeks. 12/29/14: Last Taxotere. 1/1/15 Changed Xgeva to every 3 months Dx 8/18/2014, IDC, Stage IV, Grade 3, mets, ER+/PR+, HER2- Radiation Therapy 8/28/2014 Local Metastases 8/28/2014 Radiation therapy: Bone Targeted Therapy 9/15/2014 Herceptin (trastuzumab) Targeted Therapy 9/15/2014 Perjeta (pertuzumab) Chemotherapy 9/15/2014 Taxotere (docetaxel) Hormonal Therapy 1/19/2015 Tamoxifen pills (Nolvadex, Apo-Tamox, Tamofen, Tamone) Radiation Therapy 3/30/2017 External Local Metastases 3/30/2017 Radiation therapy: Bone Radiation Therapy 4/15/2019 External Local Metastases 4/15/2019 Brain

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