Posted on: Jul 6, 2017 07:38PM - edited Oct 28, 2019 11:42AM by micmel
Posted on: Jul 6, 2017 07:38PM - edited Oct 28, 2019 11:42AM by micmel
As I go through this forced path I have been thrown down, I have come to realize the love I have always had for my husband was strong. He is amazing and I love him with my very soul and entire heart. Never would I ever imagine the thought of dying and him being alone. Then the worst part hit me!! I can't seem to shake the horrible sorrow of thinking of another woman taking my place in his life and his heart, and if I Am honest his bed. He is my best friend and the love of my life, I would never need another for any reason. He makes my life complete, and then this happens. How do I process that I most likely won't be the one growing old on the porch that we have talked about, how do I process, someone else sitting in that chair? I hate this trajectory path I've been spun onto, and everyday I feel grief and deep sorrow. How do I live everyday knowing in the back of my mind, I feel like a place holder, for another woman who will be stepping into my life when I die of this horrible disease, more sooner than later. Why would I even want to take any medicines or treatments, when the answer is pretty obviously in front of my face.? Why do we fight so hard for something we cannot control ? Why do we hurt so badly thinking about letting go, or giving up? It's a four letter word that holds so much power. That word is LOVE..... If you have ever felt this way. Share with me, because I understand, I feel this way everyday. I also don't know what to do with the sadness of loss or how to process the process of dying. However slow or fast it may be. Please share your love stories with me, how did you meet? How long together? I want to know your stories, everyone has their person. Everyone loves.....tell me about your family, your friends, your life too, as if this was your living room. ♥️
We are team FU cancer (Named by Parry, our sweet sister) and this is our Lol pub and living room. Welcome, put your feet up and just be you!
Jun 23, 2022 07:59PM mara51506 wrote:
Wow, impressed with myself and my budgeting powers. I bought a few things at the grocery store, more beefless ground, got pizza sauce, figure that could be used with a pasta dish, spinach and actual sloppy joe sauce in a can, different types of beans as well. Was just over 20.00. Went over to the dollar store and got some plastic containers with lids so they are air tight, 4 of them and some mini chocolate, spent 13.00 which was a steal. I still have tons of beans to make multiple meals, working on using up eggs I have before buying more, using more beefless ground and pasta in caesar type sauce, just lots of yummy and inexpensive items. Most healthy, got a couple mini chocolates at the dollar store too. It was nice to see my older DB and SIL.
My new wellness check person is a super friendly lady who deals with a brain injury. She has a case worker to help her with things but lives in an assisted living apartment of her own, she is active daily and is even doing a walk to raise money for a brain injury place. I have actually been trying to force myself to do more as she has more to work through just to get stuff done. I really enjoy our short little chats and she is really nice. Glad they added me to her list of wellness check calls. She inspires me to do more than I think I can and I definitely need the motivation sometimes and am glad that she is around. I may have cancer but no real impairments except balance.
Jun 23, 2022 08:24PM micmel wrote:
great news emac. Yay!! I have my met at s2. Quite annoying to say the least.
Moth~any improvement is to be celebrated! Hugs to you sister.
Jun 23, 2022 08:25PM micmel wrote:
Mara ~ my balance sucks also. I’m way sensitive to falling. Scares me sometimes when I’m alone Or in the shower.
Jun 23, 2022 10:51PM seeq wrote:
denny - yes, the elliptical is primarily legs and arms. I really need to build some leg strength and maybe help my balance, which I think is related. I hope they had great chocolate for you.
sadiesservant and emac- yay for stable!!
Thanks for the update on moth. I know she said she tires to easily to update everywhere.
Today, we picked up the corn hole sets we ordered from a guy a few towns over. He makes the boards with whatever decoration you want; his wife makes the bags. Then, dh bought a (used) waverunner for the (grown) kids to use when they're here.
Jun 24, 2022 01:09AM sondraf wrote:
Emac - I get spine MRIs as MO can see what is going on in there (cancer vs non cancer) much better than just the CT. Welcome to the stenosis at L5 club! :P Im being sarcastic, obviously, because whats a messy lower back on top of spine mets. Ugh. But at least now you know and stable is stable!
Jun 24, 2022 03:46PM 50sgirl wrote:
Sadie and emac. I am happy for your good news.
Mel, Your painting are beautiful. It sounds like your children have grown into caring responsible adults. Congratulations on a job well done. I know it’s not easy.
Mae, I love you beach-bar-in-progress. You and your dh are very ambitious. I am exhausted just hearing about all you are accomplishing. Your puppies are SO CUTE! My 61 pound golden retriever thinks she is a little pup, too, and makes herself into a lap dog.
Mara, I love reading about all your recipes and adventures in the world. Do not overdo it in the heat. It is easy to be overcome quickly.
Moth, I hope your liver continues to improve and you begin to feel better.
Candy, You do venture out more than I thought you did. I know it must be lonely to be away from your friends and the job you enjoyed. The side effects of your treatment can make it even more difficult to cope with situations. We are all here for you. Don’t ever feel that you have nothing to share here. If you talk about a book you are reading or a tv show you have seen or birds in the yard or your treatments, we will find it interesting. I don’t go out much either, btw.
My TMs had been going down since I started on Ixempra in January. This cycle they jumped 130 points BOO! All my other blood test results looked good, so I am hoping the TM jump is of no significance. I return for blood tests,MO visit, and chemo on July 5. On a good note, I had cataract surgery on one eye on Wednesday. I had post op visit on Thursday. My distance vision improved from 20/60 to 20/25, and there could still be improvement as healing continues. I know it’s not cancer-related, but WOOHOO! I can watch tv without having everything look blurry, and I can read the text displayed on the screen. Best of all, I can drive again. What a difference!
Enjoy the weekend.
Hugs and prayers from, Lynne
Jun 24, 2022 05:59PM dodgersgirl wrote:
my MO took me off Verzenio after some progression to liver and nodes. Bone mets stable.
Next week I will start Capecitabine (Xeloda). Fingers crossed this chemo kicks some cancer butt.
Jun 24, 2022 07:28PM sadiesservant wrote:
Lynne, always lovely to hear from you but I’m sorry your TMs are being difficult! Let’s just say it’s a blip. Okay? How is the garden doing? Mine continues to evolve. Now it’s peony season which I love. Our cool spring has continued until now which has given us a longer than normal bloom time. The heat is coming this weekend though so I imagine many will fade. On the upside, my egg chair will finally get some use! I have my book ready and a bit of R&R is in order!
Dodgersgirl, Xeloda has been great for my liver mets. Last year it wiped them out almost completely. This time has been a bit muted but it’s a bit early to know for sure. Unfortunately, it seems to be equally hard on my marrow. Three rounds under my belt and my RBC numbers continue to worsen. Darn… stupid woosey blood. It will be interesting to see what my MO wants to do after six cycles as I don’t know how many times we can stop and restart with a decent response. But we’ll cross that bridge… In the meantime I intend to relish my summer now that I have freedom from work. 😊
Sending positive thoughts to everyone. Moth, hope you will pop in when you are up to it. Oh, and Mel, you are far more patient than I am with paint by numbers. I dabbled with them years ago and wasn’t patient enough to wait for colours to dry in between. I had a lot of melding from colours mixing. LOL.
Jun 24, 2022 08:03PM dodgersgirl wrote:
sadiesservant— hope your blood numbers increase.
On Verzenio my hemoglobin got down to 7.9 so MO was watching it. Being off treatment for a month, most blood numbers have rebounded and are almost normal (almost