Topic: My Husband, My Life, My Love, My Family, My Cancer

Forum: Stage IV/Metastatic Breast Cancer, Open to All To Contribute — Topics here are started by members with a Stage IV/Metastatic Breast Cancer diagnosis, but open to all members to contribute to discussions. Please note that there is a separate forum, Stage IV/Metastatic Breast Cancer ONLY, where topics are open only to those members.

Posted on: Jul 6, 2017 05:38PM - edited Oct 28, 2019 09:42AM by micmel

Posted on: Jul 6, 2017 05:38PM - edited Oct 28, 2019 09:42AM by micmel

micmel wrote:

As I go through this forced path I have been thrown down, I have come to realize the love I have always had for my husband was strong. He is amazing and I love him with my very soul and entire heart. Never would I ever imagine the thought of dying and him being alone. Then the worst part hit me!! I can't seem to shake the horrible sorrow of thinking of another woman taking my place in his life and his heart, and if I Am honest his bed. He is my best friend and the love of my life, I would never need another for any reason. He makes my life complete, and then this happens. How do I process that I most likely won't be the one growing old on the porch that we have talked about, how do I process, someone else sitting in that chair? I hate this trajectory path I've been spun onto, and everyday I feel grief and deep sorrow. How do I live everyday knowing in the back of my mind, I feel like a place holder, for another woman who will be stepping into my life when I die of this horrible disease, more sooner than later. Why would I even want to take any medicines or treatments, when the answer is pretty obviously in front of my face.? Why do we fight so hard for something we cannot control ? Why do we hurt so badly thinking about letting go, or giving up? It's a four letter word that holds so much power. That word is LOVE..... If you have ever felt this way. Share with me, because I understand, I feel this way everyday. I also don't know what to do with the sadness of loss or how to process the process of dying. However slow or fast it may be. Please share your love stories with me, how did you meet? How long together? I want to know your stories, everyone has their person. Everyone loves.....tell me about your family, your friends, your life too, as if this was your living room. ♥️

We are team FU cancer (Named by Parry, our sweet sister) and this is our Lol pub and living room. Welcome, put your feet up and just be you!

Everyone has to dance, they just don’t know what song they will get. Dx 1/22/2016, IDC, Left, 4cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 2, 13/35 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 2/9/2016 AC Surgery 6/20/2016 Lymph node removal; Lymph node removal (Left): Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy; Mastectomy (Left) Chemotherapy 7/19/2016 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 11/6/2016 Ibrance (palbociclib) Surgery Chemotherapy Chemotherapy Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole)
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Jul 10, 2017 05:38AM micmel wrote:

I have been speaking to many people everywhere I go about this, and I guess like everything, it's a split down the middle , some break apart and lay on the ground at just the thought of leaving their loved one behind, along with the the reality of them eventually finding someone else. Some were ok with them finding someone else to love, and that the overall consensus was for the ones that were ok with their partners finding someone else, was they didn't want their spouse to be alone... I have been thinking about this set of circumstances and how for me this topic is in fact harder for me, than the actual having of cancer itself. Harder than loosing my hair, harder than not ever knowing what happened to My breast and why it had to be taken from me and in such a harsh way? Left with a scar, and an abdomen that looks like a road map. Removing the one isolated liver tumor because I am "sooo" young. It's all a big blur, the chemo that would stop a train, and did. My toe nails that probably will never be the same. Have no clue what eye brows are anymore. But through all the fog, through all that horrible disfigurement,(because that's what it is) there HE was. Still the same, still tripping me as I walked by him on the way to bathroom, because He knows it has always made me crack up. Or the big huge pot of homemade chicken soup he makes for me because it's my favorite. He was still my sweet man. Never faltering for one second NEVER. He has been my rock, my soul, my breath for going on 15 blessed years, I want 40 more. I am more in love with him today, than I have ever known in my locked protected heart. I haven't had good men as examples in my life to compare or see in action, ofwhat a man should be. Took many failed, bad endings to find the one good, beautiful love, that I simply cannot Be without. I cannot control the sorrow I feel, I cannot look at every woman that walks by, and not think to my broken heart "will she be the one , when I am gone?" Not only Is my body broken. My entire person Is broken, I feel as if I have already died, but Am forced to wake up in this pit of despair as my eyes open and it crashes right back, like an ocean with seaweed left covering me in it's wake, so strong as it leaves me behind in my own personal island hell. ~M ~

Everyone has to dance, they just don’t know what song they will get. Dx 1/22/2016, IDC, Left, 4cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 2, 13/35 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 2/9/2016 AC Surgery 6/20/2016 Lymph node removal; Lymph node removal (Left): Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy; Mastectomy (Left) Chemotherapy 7/19/2016 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 11/6/2016 Ibrance (palbociclib) Surgery Chemotherapy Chemotherapy Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole)
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Jul 10, 2017 06:19AM goodprognosis wrote:

What a heartfelt post Micmel

Your pain and feelings of isolation come right through your post here and your recent one on Steam Room for anger.

Strangely , I have always felt like that too, seeing the pain of the world very keenly, right across the natural realm (including the human one).

You can become almost too sensitive. We need to guard ourselves in order to get through life, (not preaching to you) just saying what has often been said to me.

Don't go to the dark places, don't think too much!!!

If you do, this world will surely disappoint you.

I pray you find your peace and can stay with your wonderful DH for many, many, many years to come.

Hugs,

goodprognosis-- "only another winding will this stream make, then shall I come to you, a boundless drop to a boundless ocean." K Gibran Dx 8/22/2012, IDC, Left, 1cm, Stage IA, Grade 2, 0/1 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 9/23/2012 Lumpectomy: Right Surgery 9/24/2012 Lumpectomy: Left; Lymph node removal: Left, Sentinel Surgery 10/10/2012 Lumpectomy: Left Radiation Therapy 12/18/2012 Breast, Lymph nodes Hormonal Therapy 12/31/2012
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Jul 10, 2017 10:15AM artistatheart wrote:

wow all of this is how my brain is working as well I have been married to the love of my life for 30 years. We have 3 wonderful kids in their 20,s. I always imagined I would at least make it to my 70's like the other women in my family, many in their 80's. I will likely be the youngest to die. I have so many mixed feelings about my husband. I get so sad and jealous about him moving on. I get worried like Divine that he is the type to get taken advantage of. I already see local divorcees sniffing the air so to speak. To imagine him kissing hugging and having fun with another has me twisting in the wind. Yet to imagine him alone, maybe drinking too much being sad is awful too. I worry that some woman will come with other grown kids who will rip off My too kind husband. Or alienating my kids. Taking what isn't theirs. Changing the will. I think of him married to another that pur shared friends just LOVE! I am afraid she will seem so fresh and lovely after all my illness. I am afraid I will slowly fade from memory i keep making photo albums for my family as well as individual journals And new art pieces but nothing right now eases my pain except to try and not dwell on i

Dx 7/22/2015, ILC, Left, 4cm, Stage IV, Grade 3, ER+/PR+, HER2- Hormonal Therapy 8/9/2015 Femara (letrozole) Targeted Therapy 8/24/2015 Ibrance (palbociclib) Hormonal Therapy Faslodex (fulvestrant)
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Jul 10, 2017 10:30AM micmel wrote:

Good~ you hit the nail on the head, I have absolutely become toosensitive to the entire subject. No matter what I say or think, nothing helps. That is why I started this thread because I want to hear of everyone's love stories and precious family. I decided this is my journal place and all of my heart wrenching days will be here for me. If anyone has some they need to let out or share. I am right here to understand and yell with or cry with. I believe that what I experience is PTSD. And some days I am just lost. I see familiar faces, but they all look at me the same. Blank and scared. Often even looking to me to reassure them in some way. I feel like everything has been taken from me. I don't know why. I feel like I have nothing left, and cannot imagine this type of mental suffering for however long I have left. It's a deep seeded Terror we all have. Just my problem is I am facing it decades sooner than I ever ever imagined possible. My worst nightmare has arrived a year and a half ago and I am helpless to stop it. Slowly it kills me. Not only physically, but mentally, and devastatingly emotionally. I am helplessly left with little hope for the future. Just simply exsisting day to day. ~M~

Everyone has to dance, they just don’t know what song they will get. Dx 1/22/2016, IDC, Left, 4cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 2, 13/35 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 2/9/2016 AC Surgery 6/20/2016 Lymph node removal; Lymph node removal (Left): Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy; Mastectomy (Left) Chemotherapy 7/19/2016 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 11/6/2016 Ibrance (palbociclib) Surgery Chemotherapy Chemotherapy Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole)
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Jul 10, 2017 02:50PM Kandy wrote:

I so agree with y'all. This subject is one of the hardest things to work through. I met my DH when I was 14. We have been together every since. We are fixing to celebrate our 37th wedding anniversary. Boy does time fly by. It hurts terribly to think about him loving on another woman. What's worse, is I wonder if that happens if he will love her more. And wish he had met her years ago. Such a sad thought. But then again, like others, I don't want him sad and alone for the rest of his life. So torn with emotions. But, I really try not to think about it. When that time comes, I won't be here, so I won't be a part in the decision of what he will do. I do worry about someone marrying him for money. Also, how would someone treat DD3. I have told him that if he decides to remarry, which he says will never happen, that he is to have papers drawn up by a lawyer, that she can not get anything before the marriage occurred. I be dang if she reaps the benefits that I also contributed to. He keeps saying I have nothing to worry about, but as we all know time changes everything. I sure wish it was me that was growing old with him. All those dreams were shattered

Dx 1/20/2009, IDC, 1cm, Stage IIIA, Grade 3, 4/9 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 2/25/2009 Lumpectomy: Left; Lymph node removal: Left, Underarm/Axillary Chemotherapy 3/8/2009 Adriamycin (doxorubicin), Cytoxan (cyclophosphamide), Gemzar (gemcitabine), Navelbine (vinorelbine) Radiation Therapy 10/6/2009 Breast, Lymph nodes Hormonal Therapy 1/3/2010 Arimidex (anastrozole) Dx 10/31/2013, IDC, Stage IV, Grade 3, ER+/PR+, HER2- Radiation Therapy 11/17/2013 3DCRT: Bone Hormonal Therapy 12/2/2013 Faslodex (fulvestrant) Targeted Therapy 10/7/2016 Afinitor (everolimus) Hormonal Therapy 10/31/2016 Aromasin (exemestane) Chemotherapy 2/1/2017 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Chemotherapy 5/8/2017 Carboplatin (Paraplatin) Chemotherapy 8/14/2017 Halaven (eribulin) Targeted Therapy
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Jul 10, 2017 03:22PM micmel wrote:

Kandy~ I agree with you completely. Sounds like a fairytale that you have with your DH. I feel the same way about mine I think about each and every Line of his face and smile, his crystal blue eyes looking at me. I also have my house that I have owned for 18 years that he became part owner of 12 years ago, I don't want someone else taking my equity earned. That is for my children and my DH only. I don't want someone near my bed. You brought up an excellent point that we'll be gone, and if that should happen. I really don't want to be of any conscious mindset, if I am. I know I will never Rest In Peace because I will always be searching for him...or a feeling of waiting. Never resting without him. I send you big hugs Kandy, thanks for sharing your love story, you've known him forever, been together what seems even longer! God bless you both ~M~

I also worry about my kids. Since they are step children I worry some woman would come in and push my Kids out, I know he says he wouldn't even want anyone ever again. Like you said time changes things.

Everyone has to dance, they just don’t know what song they will get. Dx 1/22/2016, IDC, Left, 4cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 2, 13/35 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 2/9/2016 AC Surgery 6/20/2016 Lymph node removal; Lymph node removal (Left): Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy; Mastectomy (Left) Chemotherapy 7/19/2016 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 11/6/2016 Ibrance (palbociclib) Surgery Chemotherapy Chemotherapy Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole)
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Jul 11, 2017 10:58AM - edited Jul 11, 2017 11:01AM by Nan812

oh ladies.....what a difficult topic...my husband and i have been married for 27 years this august.....from the day we met we have been able to finish each others sentences....since we met i have felt like i have always known him (never even thought of reincarnation before we met) and i cant imagine a world without him....i dont want my husband lonely when im gone and for some reason i feel that he would only be by choice (i can see them lining up already, getting his number(for updates,right), taking him to dinner to take his mind off things...we always allowed each other any friend who is a friend....the first time one of his friends saw me without hair , she turned away sobbing almost like she had wished this on me then felt terrible for it.....in an odd way i feel sorry for anyone my husband ends with....they will always be in my shadow , im in that place in his heart that nothing can touch..not time, or hardship, or lose..I know this because he holds a place like that within me...if I lost him tomorrow nothing or no one could ever touch or change that place within me that he will always have.....if I reverse rolls with him now , this is what i see...no matter what i have left to experience nothing can ever touch the love i feel for him and i know he feels the same....remember with this person who is loving you thru this life there is more to our love than just our physical bodies or someone whould have left a long time ago, dont you think....my husband says he would never remarry and after children I see no reason to get tangled up in more legal papers and just because you have those papers it wont keep that person by your side if you get sick and need them even more , only LOVE can do that.....LOVE truuuuuu LOVE (princess bride lol)....so yes the ones that come after us will always live in the shadow of that special place inside each of us where we keep that which is too dear to share.....keep shining brightly from your special place....LOVE .....

DX 03/13/15;stg4;TN;BRAC1; both breasts,lymph,lungs,bones,adrenal,spleen,brain; 2x8moths chemo,Abraxane /Cytoxan/Adriamycin 2015; gammaknife 5 brain tumors 2015; GK 1 brain 2016; Rad/adrenal 2016; craniotomy2017; GK2017,havalen & lymparza2017
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Jul 11, 2017 11:08AM - edited Jul 11, 2017 11:12AM by Nan812

This Post was deleted by Nan812.
DX 03/13/15;stg4;TN;BRAC1; both breasts,lymph,lungs,bones,adrenal,spleen,brain; 2x8moths chemo,Abraxane /Cytoxan/Adriamycin 2015; gammaknife 5 brain tumors 2015; GK 1 brain 2016; Rad/adrenal 2016; craniotomy2017; GK2017,havalen & lymparza2017
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Jul 11, 2017 11:31AM micmel wrote:

Nan~absolutely beautiful! I am sitting here in tears reading this, because that is how I feel also, you are a beautiful woman. What a striking photo, I can feel the love from your words. That is exactly why I started this thread, I wanted a place where all of us ladies can claim our DH and tell the beautiful story behind it, because we all have a lovely one to tell. Yes it is an difficult subject, and yes every time I hear of a love like this my heart breaks and shatters because love is so obvious. Sodeep with that one who is truly your person, and your true love. You are so correct in saying, that they are with us through being sick and that does speak volumes. I loved your post! But then again I always enjoy all your posts. Your picture is truly beautiful and so are you and your husbands love story. Thank you for sharing. This thread is for our loves. Our men, our families. And our lives ! God bless you and your DH Nan. ~M~

Everyone has to dance, they just don’t know what song they will get. Dx 1/22/2016, IDC, Left, 4cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 2, 13/35 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 2/9/2016 AC Surgery 6/20/2016 Lymph node removal; Lymph node removal (Left): Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy; Mastectomy (Left) Chemotherapy 7/19/2016 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 11/6/2016 Ibrance (palbociclib) Surgery Chemotherapy Chemotherapy Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole)
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Jul 11, 2017 12:09PM micmel wrote:

Artist~ I went back and read your post. The heart wrenching thought of all of what you had mentioned is something my heart twists and turns also about. Just looking at him, makes me cry. He's so wonderful. It sounds to me like you have also found your person, I hate the mere mention of divorcees sniffing around, I so much feel that way., it even happens when I wasn't sick, he works in a large school district and all the teachers are always flirting with him. He's never never even cared, we've always been so happy together. I have never for one second ever thought of anything except growing old together happily. I thought yeah. Here he is. The one I have searched for my whole life. Sounds like you have yours also. Thanks for sharing ~M~

Everyone has to dance, they just don’t know what song they will get. Dx 1/22/2016, IDC, Left, 4cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 2, 13/35 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 2/9/2016 AC Surgery 6/20/2016 Lymph node removal; Lymph node removal (Left): Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy; Mastectomy (Left) Chemotherapy 7/19/2016 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 11/6/2016 Ibrance (palbociclib) Surgery Chemotherapy Chemotherapy Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole)

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