Log in to post a reply
Sep 27, 2020 07:50PM
Micmel, I've been away for a bit and dropped by the living room to find you feeling blue and despondent. And feeling a little...stretched...by a 24 year old at home. Allow me to share my experience and please forgive if this is a repeat.
Daughter was still at home at 22 and was a horrid cow to live with. The clashes, the FIGHTS, the emotional and mental brutality was off the scale. I began to hate her. She hated me. I resented her. She wished me dead. I remember the day she said that if I got cancer it wouldn't be the worst thing to happen. (a few years later I DID get cancer!) Like, it was UGLY around here. I didn't want to kick her out either but it reached the point where I had to admit that nothing in her actions, nothing, said she wanted to stay. A person who values where they are, values what they have, values the gifts they are given would be acting much, much differently than daughter was. Her staying or going, her being kicked out or not had nothing to do with me and everything to do with her. I had my line that had been crossed and crossed and had she pulled her head out of her ass and become a grown up, I'd have been happy to have her here forever. But her head remained up her ass and it occurred to me that me not wanting to kick her out was crippling her. I was the equivalent of Chinese foot binding, being so kind, so caring, so giving and so responsible for her failure to grow up and become an adult. So I kicked her out.
It took months.
Every conversation, good, bad or ugly had the same ring to it. "Hey, Honey, I fed your horse and filled the water but you need to get another load of hay, it's pretty low. Get out." "Kid, here are your clean clothes, I'm putting together a load of whites if you have any. Get out." "Dinner is at 6. Get out." Honest to god. I was full on broken record. I quit worrying about the overpriced really gross places she looked at to rent. She had a nice place and great parental support here and chose to be an asshole. Her choice, her consequence, there you go, shut up, get out. I would lay awake at night and feel bad. Maybe she'd move out and feel scared, alone, unloved. TOO EFFING BAD! She had every opportunity, every warning, every clear expectation spelled out and she screwed every one up. Well then. Why am I laying in bed at night feeling shitty over her stupid choices? That was on her. It took me a long time to wrap my head around that. She wasn't 18. Neither is your son. He knows better. You know he knows. He is simply NOT valuing what he has. If he did, he'd step up his game. But he's not. You might not want to kick him out. But maybe n some level you know it's time you did. For him. For the man you hope him to become.
Even after Daughter moved out we had many years of brutal clashing and I finally realized my own fault and blame in that. I set myself up. I had to know who she was but I had to know who I was and I am someone who gives freely BUT..I also want to be appreciated. I will bring a gift to someone who values it. I do not want to throw my pearls before the swine. I would do something nice, extra, kind and loving for daughter and....it was like I did nothing at all. If I said something, she'd blast me for being a bitch trying to manipulate her into false gratitude. False gratitude? Well. There was a dose of the truth I needed to chew on. Yes I did want her to show me gratitude. I did want to know that I made a difference in her life. I wanted to know that what I did mattered. And she was absolutely NOT going to deliver on any of those things. Then we'd fight. And hate each other. Then one day I realized that I needed to STOP THE INSANITY. Next time she asked me to clean her house, I said no. Or look after three horses that she wanted to truck over, I said no (I took the fence down!). Or drive to her place and take her stupid dog for a walk. I said no. I felt mean. She felt I was mean. But I was no longer resentful. I did not deliver my help, I did not expect gratitude and there was no issue between us to fight over. If she accused me of being a bitch I'd just shrug and nod. Yup. A bitch mom who has helped you for many years, without thanks, and now, to keep the peace, will no longer help you. Because ingratitude is bullshit that I do not tolerate. And it's the bullshit she always dished up. Stopping that cycle was up to me. She was free to ask. And I am free to say no. And I do. And we get along so much better now! Now if she comes for dinner she jumps up and clears the table and puts food in fridge containers. WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY DAUGHTER!?!! I am always clear to say 'thank you, I appreciate your help, dishes go so much quicker with a little help.' Because all the years she lived here she wouldn't do an effing thing to help. I had to get out of her way and let her grow up. The fault was mine.
It's hard, Micmel. Empty nests are so very empty. I miss my daughter. But I also am proud of who she is proud of how she stepped up into looking after her own shit. I can die knowing that she's going to be okay. There is nothing more a parent can ask for. She's okay because I shoved her out of the nest and stepped out of the picture. It's about where I end and she begins. I hope this makes some sense. I am rambling. Hugging you hard in this sad, difficult time.
Hi to all!
3/23/2017, IDC, Left, 2cm, Stage IIB, Grade 2, 0/1 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
4/12/2017 Lumpectomy: Left; Lymph node removal: Sentinel
7/5/2017 Whole-breast: Breast
Tamoxifen pills (Nolvadex, Apo-Tamox, Tamofen, Tamone)