Jan 10, 2021 09:27PM MinusTwo wrote:
Oh Mel - the very deepest & strongest HUGS!!!
Topics here are started by members with a Stage IV/Metastatic Breast Cancer diagnosis, but open to all members to contribute to discussions. Please note that there is a separate forum, Stage IV/Metastatic Breast Cancer ONLY, where topics are open only to those members.
Posted on: Jul 6, 2017 08:38PM - edited Oct 28, 2019 12:42PM by Micmel
As I go through this forced path I have been thrown down, I have come to realize the love I have always had for my husband was strong. He is amazing and I love him with my very soul and entire heart. Never would I ever imagine the thought of dying and him being alone. Then the worst part hit me!! I can't seem to shake the horrible sorrow of thinking of another woman taking my place in his life and his heart, and if I Am honest his bed. He is my best friend and the love of my life, I would never need another for any reason. He makes my life complete, and then this happens. How do I process that I most likely won't be the one growing old on the porch that we have talked about, how do I process, someone else sitting in that chair? I hate this trajectory path I've been spun onto, and everyday I feel grief and deep sorrow. How do I live everyday knowing in the back of my mind, I feel like a place holder, for another woman who will be stepping into my life when I die of this horrible disease, more sooner than later. Why would I even want to take any medicines or treatments, when the answer is pretty obviously in front of my face.? Why do we fight so hard for something we cannot control ? Why do we hurt so badly thinking about letting go, or giving up? It's a four letter word that holds so much power. That word is LOVE..... If you have ever felt this way. Share with me, because I understand, I feel this way everyday. I also don't know what to do with the sadness of loss or how to process the process of dying. However slow or fast it may be. Please share your love stories with me, how did you meet? How long together? I want to know your stories, everyone has their person. Everyone loves.....tell me about your family, your friends, your life too, as if this was your living room. ♥️
We are team FU cancer (Named by Parry, our sweet sister) and this is our Lol pub and living room. Welcome, put your feet up and just be you!
Posts 19021 - 19050 (19,926 total)
Jan 10, 2021 09:27PM MinusTwo wrote:
Oh Mel - the very deepest & strongest HUGS!!!
Jan 10, 2021 10:20PM mara51506 wrote:
Mel, I am sorry you are having such a hard time. Don't have advice, just my empathy.
Jan 10, 2021 11:44PM Rosie24 wrote:
Mel, There is so much sadness in your posts. I wish I could do something for you, like everyone else here does. There has to be a way for you to have some happiness in your day. My view from outside is that some family therapy would benefit you a lot. Your DH, DS, and DD could benefit too, in learning what each can do to make a difference in how your household works. I haven’t been through family counseling but I think Booboo (?) mentioned it too and it made so much sense. It sounds like your cancer has been stable for a while now and it’s such a shame you aren’t able to enjoy it much. Love and hugs to you. 🌺
Jan 11, 2021 01:26AM SeeQ wrote:
Just dropping in with a hug for Mel. I hope you can find a way to have some peace.
Jan 11, 2021 03:28AM Micmel wrote:SeeQ ~ Rosie~Minus~ thank you all so much for leaving such nice thoughts for me. Don’t think that I’m being treated badly, I’m not. I just have this black cloud where sex is concerned and my lack of Desire or need. The other is the tight rope I walk with my son. No one ever knows what exactly to do when you’re stuck someplace dark. I want to please everyone. That’s part of the problem. I always was the doer. The pleaser. The affectionate one. Those things have lost there place in me. They are gone. I just have to find my happy medium. We all go through our spurts of down times. This is one of mine. Someone else said I’ve been stable for along. Time. That’s so true I wish I was able to. Enjoy it. I cannot. Not only because of the location of the met that I have but because for some reason I won’t allow myself. Part of it is , I don’t want to enjoy anything, because I know when I’m gone what I’ll be missing when that time comes. It holds me back. I have talked to someone. We all know how complicated having cancer is. If effects everything. Even things you’d never think of. Here it is 3:38 am and I’m wide awake again. Ugh! Off to try again.
Jan 11, 2021 09:10AM candy-678 wrote:
Morning all. 8am Monday here.
My notes say:
Booboo has MO appt this week. Mara has CT today. Karen (Liver Thread) has scan this week. May have missed some.
Today I am getting out to Walmart curb side pick up groceries. Not really excited about the "outing". So much Covid. Called a friend yesterday-- she has it now. Along with her brother (just had pacemaker inserted before Covid) and her sister (has active lung cancer and doing radiation). My friend has congestion, fever, cough. But ok for now. I am so afraid of it.
Take care everyone.
Jan 11, 2021 09:29AM illimae wrote:
Micmel, feel free to disregard my comment and know I mean well but when it comes to your comment below.
“I don't want to enjoy anything, because I know when I'm gone what I'll be missing when that time comes.“
You are missing joy now, not later. Please try not to let cancer take everything good from you, it has already taken enough. Flip this disease the bird by finding happiness despite the rotten bastard.
Jan 11, 2021 10:17AM Micmel wrote:
I cannot Disagree with that at all Mae. That is very valid. I needed to hear that. Thank you.
Jan 11, 2021 10:59AM BevJen wrote:
I agree with Mae. Sometimes I have to move away from these boards because we all have that underlying fear that at any moment, our situations could change for the worse. It's a horrible feeling, and so I get you. But, as the meditation teacher from my online class says, to focus us, "we are here, now."
Jan 11, 2021 11:02AM - edited Jan 11, 2021 11:04AM by mara51506
Waiting for my CT, really hungry too. Woke up too late to eat. Brought 3 peanut butter granola bars for after and a gigantic water. The walk to the hospital woke me up and was nice.
Mel, still thinking of you.
Jan 11, 2021 11:19AM moth wrote:
I have an MO appt today. Leaving in a couple hrs. I'm going to try to put some ingredients in the bread machine before I go so it's ready soon when I come back.
Jan 11, 2021 11:52AM candy-678 wrote:
moth- Sorry I missed ya. Pocket duty for you. Yum, homemade bread. With lots of butter.
Jan 11, 2021 12:30PM Micmel wrote:
slow on the pocket duty. But I’m available! Cake balls in hand. Yummy treats. Some Peanut butter bars for Mara
Jan 11, 2021 01:13PM mara51506 wrote:
Those peanut butter bars sound good Mel, funny you should mention those, the minute I was out of CT, I downed two peanut butter granola bars and half my water. Turns out that my CT person said that if I don't get oral contrast, they don't object to me having a small snack before, I don't have to go 4 hours without food. That advice is given for people who get the oral contrast.
Everything went fairly smooth, bit of a wait on both ends at the cancer clinic for the chest port access and the CT but not bad. May not get results officially until Feb 3rd which is my next doctor appointment unless something changes. It was a cold walk to and from the cancer clinic and a little drowsy since I took Zofran for the injected contrast. I don't get to worried about a long time for results because they would not wait 3 weeks to give bad news. Now I am ravenous so going to start eating some real food.
Thank you all for the pocket duty, returning the favour for whoever needs it, hugs for those struggling as well. I would love to be able to actually hug people who need it.
Probably will go out for another walk or too. Even though it is cold, it was refreshing. Much nicer than indoor walking. Nothing else on the agenda today, older brother took me out shopping yesterday for my groceries.
Jan 11, 2021 01:28PM Kittykat9876 wrote:
I went for a lovely walk along the foreshore yesterday afternoon, a peaceful Monday afternoon, and treated myself to a latte and a giant chocolate muffin while enjoying the view. Thinking of you Mel, my dear, you totally deserve to feel joy in the little things and make the very best of your time, hug your hubby and your kids, play games, kick the kids out and have a date night with dh, dance to your favorite music, let yourself feel. These things are what makes us live on no matter if we are well or not, that our families can look back and remember the happy times.
Jan 11, 2021 02:08PM - edited Jan 11, 2021 02:08PM by KBL
Pocket duty for anyone who needs it.
My brother had a left-side mastectomy today. Won't have the stage until pathology comes back in a few weeks. We know it's not Stage IV, thankfully. I talked to him Friday, and he was in good spirits. He said it's been a whirlwind. He was lucky because he found out in November and already had his surgery today. They had had a cancellation and got him in. He heard from my other brother with renal cell carcinoma that he's on oxygen 24/7. I've written him a few times letting him know I'm thinking of him.
Mel, gentle hugs from me today.
Mara, I love peanut butter. I'll be in your pocket for results.
Jan 11, 2021 03:25PM SondraF wrote:
I need to get off the news here - mentally I can usually keep it together pretty well by recognizing what I can and can't control, but now I feel like screaming loudly into a closet or something. Last night I was thinking again about when do we pull the trigger to move back to the US,what does that look like, and I truly truly hate being so constrained by so much crap out of my control. This stupid f***king tumor, this nonstop lockdown, the whole vaccine mess being so close but there being no communication about anything. I want to get on a plane and go on a real vacation somewhere after being more or less stuck at home since Halloween of 2019.
Ugh - sorry for the rant, I know things will get better in 4-8 weeks. I guess Ill get my ass off the computer, play with the cats with their new feather toy, and then go buy a cherry pie at the store to get out of the house.
Jan 11, 2021 05:59PM illimae wrote:
Reporting for pocket duty too.
Sondra, cherry pie sounds great, go for it!
So, I had my follow up echocardiogram today. It’s the first one since my EF dropped from 58% to 45% causing a treatment break and low dose heart meds. I thought it looked pretty good on the screen and I just got a call that it’s not only above 50%, which means I can continue treatment, it was 60%, which is normal range.
Heck yeah, can I get a whoop! whoop!
Jan 11, 2021 06:06PM moth wrote:
WTG illimae's heart!
Jan 11, 2021 06:10PM booboo1 wrote:
WHOOP, WHOOP!!!!! Go get yourself an ice cream sundae or whatever you crave! Such great news Mae!
Jan 11, 2021 06:40PM Karenfizedbo15 wrote:
Aww Mae fab news!
Mara glad the CT was OK. Kittykat, is that where you actually LIVE? If so very jealous, much though I love Scotland.
Sondra, feel your pain ...the place is a bloody mess right now. Mel hang in there. Candy, Moth & Bevjen thanks for your thoughts from other threads too.
I think I have some ascites in my abdomen. Breathlessness is scary and feel / look pretty bloated. Scan on Thurs. This MUST be putting pressure on my heart, so need to get it sorted. Thankfully can sleep and fine if not moving around....but I need to be moving around!
Big hugs to everyone!
Jan 11, 2021 07:04PM candy-678 wrote:
Woohoo Mae !!!!!!!! Celebrate !!!!!!!
Moth how did your appt go? And did the bread turn out good LOL
Jan 11, 2021 07:14PM KBL wrote:
Mae, that’s great news. That must be such a relief.
Karen, I’m sorry you’re not breathing very well. I hope your scan goes well and they can figure it out for you quickly.
Jan 11, 2021 07:24PM moth wrote:
Hi candy - my appt went well! MO is happy with how I'm doing. Only hiccup was that I was supposed to do labs on Wed but she decided she wanted them today. Normally I go fairly early to beat the crowds. This time of course, after the appt with her midmorning, the lab was full. So I drove to another facility just a bit away, thinking their lab would be emptier - nope. Not only that, they told me this was last day for walk ins; after this, appointments only. Ok, whatever, I take my number and sit to wait. Given how we're moving I figure on at least a 1hour wait. And then I had brilliant idea to look at the appointment app, just to check it out and see if it syncs with the other health portal. It was 1215 and it offered me an appointment for 1220! So I took it, and sailed to the front of the line. I felt like a total cheater but .... hey, I have cancer. I wasn't even wearing a cap today so I figure my bald head gives me VIP treatment too lol.
Aaaaaand, my labs are good. WBCs are lowish but they *always* are. I'm just a wbc wimp. And neutrophils are fine for chemo on Thurs. And this liver mets girl has perfect liver function tests! They're as good as they've ever been. Still waiting for CA15-3 results to post. Those sometimes take 24h & there was a time when I told myself I would not look at those (because, hello anxiety..) but who are we kidding.... I will look.
The bread is awesome. We've almost demolished the loaf. I go through these phases of just being in love with my bread machine. I actually want to get back to making bread by hand too. I want to get a sourdough starter going as well. Mmmmmmm, gluten......
Jan 11, 2021 07:37PM Kittykat9876 wrote:
Congrats Mae, doing a happy dance for you, yes Karen, that's about a 5 min walk from my house, I'm sorry you're having trouble breathing, I know how that feels. Moth , I love making bread from scratch, the smell and taste can't be beaten not to mention getting out all the frustration by kneading the bread.
Jan 11, 2021 08:14PM illimae wrote:
Moth, that dancing is hilarious and wild, lol. Big congrats to you too on a good appt.
Thanks for the whoot!, ladies :)
Jan 11, 2021 08:26PM moth wrote:
ok not to brag but even though that gif is not me, that's totally what I look like in Zumba. Ok, maybe I'm just imagining it
BUT, I literally have that dress - in black. I've had it for about 30 yrs. still wear it sometimes
Jan 11, 2021 08:42PM Tanya_Djamila wrote:
Mae you got a woot woot from Tampa.
Moth I love bread too. Your results are great too. Love your dancing lady.
Mara glad you got through your CAT scan and home safely.
Mel I'm here to listen and encourage you to find outside help, as suggested by Booboo, or anything else you want to do.
Karenfizedbo I hope things get sorted soon. If we don't focus on cancer; then it's Covid lockdown. Sleep well.
SondraF I want to go to a vacation or somewhere relaxing with some sense of normalcy.
KBL happy to hear your brother got his surgery scheduled sooner and that things are looking up. Great that you can send messages to your other brother, sometimes that's so comforting when you're ill.
Candy wow sorry to hear about your friends and the Covid.
Booboo hope things are getting sorted out.
Kittkat thanks for sharing the beautiful photo of your shore.
BevJen I know exactly what you mean. It's like the only thing that can logically happen; eventually bad news.
We did set the tent up in the living room as it were. It was easy but since DH isn't a camper we needed a trial run. I have pitched tents before with the kids but he wasn't there so... I guess I just wanted to get in that tent before I couldn't... It was fun and funny doing it. My cat hid all day lol.
Waving hello to everyone. Take care
Jan 11, 2021 09:15PM Micmel wrote:
that’s awesome news Mae!!! I’m so thrilled for. You ! Now you can relax a little without worrying about something else. Whoop whoop !
Jan 11, 2021 10:22PM SeeQ wrote:
Whoop, whoop for Mae! Great news!
Signing up for pocket duty, Booboo and Karen (anyone else). It's cold and rainy here, so I'll bring the hot chocolate.
Mara, glad you had an easy scan day. You amaze me with all your walking.
KBL, it's great your brother had his surgery sooner than expected. Hoping for good lab results.
Moth and Kittykat - I've been thinking about making bread again. I haven't done it since I was a kid when we made all our own. You're inspiring me to make it happen.
Candy, sorry about your friends' COVID.
Tanya, thanks for the visual of the tent in the living room (and the cats hiding!)
I've been self quarantined since our camping trip, we were all really careful, but of course someone that was there tested positive two days later. Negative tests for dh and I today! It's what we expected, but it's still a relief to be confirmed.