Topic: My Husband, My Life, My Love, My Family, My Cancer

Forum: Stage IV/Metastatic Breast Cancer, Open to All To Contribute — Topics here are started by members with a Stage IV/Metastatic Breast Cancer diagnosis, but open to all members to contribute to discussions. Please note that there is a separate forum, Stage IV/Metastatic Breast Cancer ONLY, where topics are open only to those members.

Posted on: Jul 6, 2017 05:38PM - edited Oct 28, 2019 09:42AM by micmel

Posted on: Jul 6, 2017 05:38PM - edited Oct 28, 2019 09:42AM by micmel

micmel wrote:

As I go through this forced path I have been thrown down, I have come to realize the love I have always had for my husband was strong. He is amazing and I love him with my very soul and entire heart. Never would I ever imagine the thought of dying and him being alone. Then the worst part hit me!! I can't seem to shake the horrible sorrow of thinking of another woman taking my place in his life and his heart, and if I Am honest his bed. He is my best friend and the love of my life, I would never need another for any reason. He makes my life complete, and then this happens. How do I process that I most likely won't be the one growing old on the porch that we have talked about, how do I process, someone else sitting in that chair? I hate this trajectory path I've been spun onto, and everyday I feel grief and deep sorrow. How do I live everyday knowing in the back of my mind, I feel like a place holder, for another woman who will be stepping into my life when I die of this horrible disease, more sooner than later. Why would I even want to take any medicines or treatments, when the answer is pretty obviously in front of my face.? Why do we fight so hard for something we cannot control ? Why do we hurt so badly thinking about letting go, or giving up? It's a four letter word that holds so much power. That word is LOVE..... If you have ever felt this way. Share with me, because I understand, I feel this way everyday. I also don't know what to do with the sadness of loss or how to process the process of dying. However slow or fast it may be. Please share your love stories with me, how did you meet? How long together? I want to know your stories, everyone has their person. Everyone loves.....tell me about your family, your friends, your life too, as if this was your living room. ♥️

We are team FU cancer (Named by Parry, our sweet sister) and this is our Lol pub and living room. Welcome, put your feet up and just be you!

Everyone has to dance, they just don’t know what song they will get. Dx 1/22/2016, IDC, Left, 4cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 2, 13/35 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 2/10/2016 AC Surgery 6/20/2016 Lymph node removal; Lymph node removal (Left): Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy; Mastectomy (Left) Chemotherapy 7/19/2016 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 11/6/2016 Ibrance (palbociclib) Surgery Chemotherapy Chemotherapy Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole)
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Jul 16, 2017 08:59AM micmel wrote:

I am sitting on the porch right now with my DH and my dogs and the breeze and sunshine. I may not be old and gray yet. But I am still sitting on the porch. I looked over at him and he smiles and says. I love you baby. My heart just oozes out the side of my chest and my smile turned right into happy tears. I said, We are sitting on our porch. That was one of my saddest moments. He said we will sit here every weekend morning together. From now on. I never knew that was one of the issues you were dealing with. Let's not wait to sit together. We will enjoy it more now anyway, because we can still get up to get our own drinks. We won't have to play Rock Paper Scissors to see who the sucker is to have to get up lol. We just sat and laughed. His laugh is like music to my ears, I don't know how I'll never be able tohear it again. My heart just can't take it. But over all this weekend has been lovely. He made smoked ribs and a roast for me because my mouth hurts from meds. So something soft it is!!! He says. I love him sooo very much. I hope everyone is loving on their DHs also!! Such precious creatures. Hugs!~M~

Everyone has to dance, they just don’t know what song they will get. Dx 1/22/2016, IDC, Left, 4cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 2, 13/35 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 2/10/2016 AC Surgery 6/20/2016 Lymph node removal; Lymph node removal (Left): Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy; Mastectomy (Left) Chemotherapy 7/19/2016 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 11/6/2016 Ibrance (palbociclib) Surgery Chemotherapy Chemotherapy Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole)
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Jul 16, 2017 09:55AM Nan812 wrote:

jfl....i'm so sorry that you even have to contemplate leaving your little one....the hardest goodbye of all is to the little ones....they just dont understand, and neither do i....i'm so sorry if my sense of humor struck you the wrong way....i would do absolutely anything to stay with my loved ones another day.....being dx at what should be the happiest time in your life must be pure hell, and my heart is breaking for you...i think my first priority would be to my child and wanting to make sure that they are loved and cared for...i think we feel that way about all our loves that we leave behind, i would want them to be loved as much as i love them(oh especially the little ones)...my father was not loved that way after my mom died(he didnt know it until he really needed her) and it left him a broken man....i pray that you have many more years with your two true loves (take lots of video) i know that even if you are to little to remember many details, you will always remember how much you are loved,(have you thought about writing out 20 birthday and christmas cards? my daughter is 25 so i have started a journal for her, my grandbaby is 4 so i think she will get hers when shes 13 when things will make more sense), thats the only way i can think of to be there even if its only on paper....i know that our loves will always hold us in a special place in their heart and i feel what you are saying that if we want them to be truly happy then we need to let them go and find something of what they lost when they lost us....thank you for showing me this.....but i will still come haunt you if you dont love them right lol....jfl, you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers....and i really wish we could all go to that pub with micmel and leave all our troubles outside.....STUPID CANCER!!.....big hugs to all my cyber sisters , i'm so thankful that you are here to listen and understand....no one else does

DX 03/13/15;stg4;TN;BRAC1; both breasts,lymph,lungs,bones,adrenal,spleen,brain; 2x8moths chemo,Abraxane /Cytoxan/Adriamycin 2015; gammaknife 5 brain tumors 2015; GK 1 brain 2016; Rad/adrenal 2016; craniotomy2017; GK2017,havalen & lymparza2017
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Jul 16, 2017 10:05AM Freya wrote:

JFL, my heart breaks for you. I lost a dear friend 6 years ago, all she wanted to do was to live long enough for her son to remember her. That was her one wish.

BC sucks, but it seems even more unfair when it's mothers with little ones or those with special needs children. I cannot imagine the fear and pain that must bring you.

((hugs))

Dx 2009, ILC/IDC, Right, 6cm+, Stage IV, metastasized to bone/liver, Grade 3, 14/22 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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Jul 16, 2017 03:07PM - edited Jul 16, 2017 03:30PM by micmel

JFL~ I am sitting here with yet another round of tears running down my face. Yes effing cancer once again, that back breaking heart crushing asshole that doesn't research the lives of those he destroys. I have nothing but sorrow thinking of your heart and how that must feel with such a young child. It makes me so damned mad. You fight, with everything you have, you just do it. That little precious baby WILL be the reason you are going to be one of the ten to twenty+ year survivors that we read about. Yes you are. Here come my prayers so get ready! Huge hugs to you sweet woman. Huge hugs ~M~

Everyone has to dance, they just don’t know what song they will get. Dx 1/22/2016, IDC, Left, 4cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 2, 13/35 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 2/10/2016 AC Surgery 6/20/2016 Lymph node removal; Lymph node removal (Left): Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy; Mastectomy (Left) Chemotherapy 7/19/2016 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 11/6/2016 Ibrance (palbociclib) Surgery Chemotherapy Chemotherapy Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole)
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Jul 17, 2017 09:46AM micmel wrote:

another week here we are. Since I read a lot of threads, I realize that finding your one love is exceptionally a beautiful thing. I know and am realizing more and more, that there are also A lot of jerks out there. I don't forget that. I had one for 11 years that I married as well. So I am sending some prayers to those who have had the challenge of this beast cancer, and dealing with someone close to you and your life,that hasn't been supportive or helpful with your cancer diagnosis, to those men. I say. Wake up please. You will regret your behavior and it just might be too late. Wake up people! Hugs everyone ~M~

Everyone has to dance, they just don’t know what song they will get. Dx 1/22/2016, IDC, Left, 4cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 2, 13/35 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 2/10/2016 AC Surgery 6/20/2016 Lymph node removal; Lymph node removal (Left): Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy; Mastectomy (Left) Chemotherapy 7/19/2016 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 11/6/2016 Ibrance (palbociclib) Surgery Chemotherapy Chemotherapy Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole)
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Jul 17, 2017 08:10PM - edited Jul 17, 2017 08:22PM by Nan812

~M~ .... i'm sorry to say that youre wasting your breath on these superficial people....for one thing they dont care enough to read any info on it so that for sure includes this site.....they are to self absorbed , fair weather friends , and only respond positively when someone mistakenly thinks that they are giving "all they have"into caring for their sick loved one....if they only knew how embarrrassed these people are to be seen with you in all your "just hatched bird(no fluffy down)" glory.....thats how i look right now,naked puffy eyes with some pin feathers lol....so anyway what i mean to say is we are not all lucky enough to marry our true great love or soul mate but that doesnt mean that they are not in our lives, they could be anyone from a aunt, uncle, sister , brother parent , or friend, or even a child or grandchild, they could be with us a day, a month , a year , or a life time(think about this)....the important thing is they touched our soul and connected in a way with us that we can only call true love because what ever happened has stayed with us and always makes us feel better when we think of it/them....it is so sad that the world is so full of this kind of selfish person (reality tv is creating a whole gen of them): i was unfortunate enough to learn this young (if you dont look good you wont make me look good) my husband was a breath of fresh air for me......keep shining that beautiful light from within my dear cyber friends

DX 03/13/15;stg4;TN;BRAC1; both breasts,lymph,lungs,bones,adrenal,spleen,brain; 2x8moths chemo,Abraxane /Cytoxan/Adriamycin 2015; gammaknife 5 brain tumors 2015; GK 1 brain 2016; Rad/adrenal 2016; craniotomy2017; GK2017,havalen & lymparza2017
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Jul 18, 2017 06:02PM - edited Jul 19, 2017 04:32AM by micmel

I have a doosey of a bug 🐜! Like knock me on my rear end sick. Stomach issues, headaches, chills, sweating worse than the normal crap sweats. Which already make me feel like I've showered again. My taste buds are shot. I mean the chemo has destroyed them, I don't like anything anymore. But taking a boat load of medicine on an empty stomach is awful. So here i sit in my hospital bed, because my mattress Is like sleeping on a slab of concrete for my lymphedema, and this gel mattress curves to it. It's the only thing I can sleep in. So much has changed since this cancer shit. My poor DH is a precious angel. I don't know what I would do without such love in my life.

Nan~ I always feel like some people are just out right mean. I made this thread to celebrate every happiness and every relationship that makes anyone happy. I am sick of negativity and anger all the time. When I need to rant I'll rant lol if you need to rant, please rant! Anyone let it out, but at the end of the day I hope it's love that keeps us fighting! I want this to be like us sitting together, talking about our families and our lives. No matter what form that love or life takes. I myself have a shitty family so that does nothing for me. I am envious of that kind of love and affection, I have never had that. But I would never be slighted from someone who had! They are lucky but in a different way! Hugs to you Nan. ~M~

Everyone has to dance, they just don’t know what song they will get. Dx 1/22/2016, IDC, Left, 4cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 2, 13/35 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 2/10/2016 AC Surgery 6/20/2016 Lymph node removal; Lymph node removal (Left): Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy; Mastectomy (Left) Chemotherapy 7/19/2016 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 11/6/2016 Ibrance (palbociclib) Surgery Chemotherapy Chemotherapy Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole)
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Jul 18, 2017 10:42PM JFL wrote:

Nan, Freya and Micmel, thanks for the kind words!!!

Micmel, I must say, I had to reach out and touch the screen when I saw that insect (ant?) in your post. It seemed 3-D ish and I needed to make sure it was not real! Maybe I am just tired and it is late, which is not helping.

I agree with some of the prior posts that it is incredible and humbling to hear the stories of such strong love, admiration and companionship with spouses in this thread. It is usually only the divorce and bad stuff that makes the headlines.

Chart your own course. Dx at 30. Dx with mets at 38 while pregnant - extensive liver & bone involvement. Currently on Enhertu & XGeva. ER+/PR+, HER2-low (IHC equivocal, +2/FISH negative). Y90 liver radioembolization in 2018. Dx 9/2006, IDC, Right, 1cm, Stage IIB, Grade 3, 1/16 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-, Surgery 9/22/2006 Mastectomy: Left, Right Chemotherapy 11/5/2006 Adriamycin (doxorubicin), Cytoxan (cyclophosphamide), Taxotere (docetaxel) Hormonal Therapy 3/15/2007 Tamoxifen pills (Nolvadex, Apo-Tamox, Tamofen, Tamone) Dx 12/2014, IDC, Stage IV, metastasized to bone/liver/other, Grade 3, ER+/PR-, HER2- Surgery 12/26/2014 Prophylactic ovary removal Hormonal Therapy 12/26/2014 Aromasin (exemestane), Faslodex (fulvestrant) Targeted Therapy 6/18/2015 Ibrance (palbociclib) Chemotherapy 3/10/2016 Xeloda (capecitabine) Hormonal Therapy 5/13/2017 Aromasin (exemestane) Targeted Therapy 5/13/2017 Afinitor (everolimus) Chemotherapy 8/17/2017 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Chemotherapy 3/22/2018 Doxil (liposomal doxorubicin) Chemotherapy 4/25/2019 Navelbine (vinorelbine) Hormonal Therapy 4/25/2019 Tamoxifen pills (Nolvadex, Apo-Tamox, Tamofen, Tamone) Chemotherapy 11/26/2019 Gemzar (gemcitabine) Hormonal Therapy 8/24/2020 Faslodex (fulvestrant) Targeted Therapy 8/24/2020 Piqray (alpelisib) Targeted Therapy 10/1/2020 Enhertu (fam-trastuzumab deruxtecan-nxki)
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Jul 19, 2017 05:32AM - edited Jul 19, 2017 05:32AM by micmel

ugh! Now I gave the bug 🐜 to DH and DD, all of us are down for the count. Yuck! I have changed clothing three times during the night. Awful!! My poor DH takes care of me and then gets it himself. Dizzy, headache, chills. Be warned peeps it's out there. I am certain that dogs know when people are ill. My one dog always wants to lay with me on the side that I have my bone mets in. He always is very aware of how I am feeling by the tone of my voice. They really are very smart creatures. My dogs areanother thing that brings me happiness. They don't care that the cancer medicines pack weight on you like a donkey carrying its load. They don't care that your fingernails are discolored, or you have no hair. Mine is growing back like wild fire. And I am pleased but....(there is always a but huh?). It used to be half way down my back. Now not so much. My beauty is lost. This cancer has aged me. Will I ever resemble who I once was. ? Then there is DH saying to me. "I honestly don't mind. I think you're beautiful no matter what, I just want you. That's all I want". Here come the tears again. Screw you cancer you're messing up lives and families here. So you bug 🐜 🐜 off!!!! Hugs for all ~M~

Everyone has to dance, they just don’t know what song they will get. Dx 1/22/2016, IDC, Left, 4cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 2, 13/35 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 2/10/2016 AC Surgery 6/20/2016 Lymph node removal; Lymph node removal (Left): Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy; Mastectomy (Left) Chemotherapy 7/19/2016 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 11/6/2016 Ibrance (palbociclib) Surgery Chemotherapy Chemotherapy Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole)
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Jul 19, 2017 09:00AM bigbhome wrote:

Oh M, I'm so sorry you and your family have this...I wish I could help somehow. Ok, throw phantom and pink Floyd out, maybe some nice soft jazz. Thinking of you and your family. Had the bug when we were in NC taking care of18mo gs. Thought I was going to end up in ER, but I made it through. The shaking was horrible and could not get warm, then break out in cold 😓. Imagine we are all sitting here with you and holding your ✋.

Hugs and prayers

Claudia

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