Posted on: Jul 6, 2017 05:38PM - edited Oct 28, 2019 09:42AM by micmel
Posted on: Jul 6, 2017 05:38PM - edited Oct 28, 2019 09:42AM by micmel
micmel wrote:
As I go through this forced path I have been thrown down, I have come to realize the love I have always had for my husband was strong. He is amazing and I love him with my very soul and entire heart. Never would I ever imagine the thought of dying and him being alone. Then the worst part hit me!! I can't seem to shake the horrible sorrow of thinking of another woman taking my place in his life and his heart, and if I Am honest his bed. He is my best friend and the love of my life, I would never need another for any reason. He makes my life complete, and then this happens. How do I process that I most likely won't be the one growing old on the porch that we have talked about, how do I process, someone else sitting in that chair? I hate this trajectory path I've been spun onto, and everyday I feel grief and deep sorrow. How do I live everyday knowing in the back of my mind, I feel like a place holder, for another woman who will be stepping into my life when I die of this horrible disease, more sooner than later. Why would I even want to take any medicines or treatments, when the answer is pretty obviously in front of my face.? Why do we fight so hard for something we cannot control ? Why do we hurt so badly thinking about letting go, or giving up? It's a four letter word that holds so much power. That word is LOVE..... If you have ever felt this way. Share with me, because I understand, I feel this way everyday. I also don't know what to do with the sadness of loss or how to process the process of dying. However slow or fast it may be. Please share your love stories with me, how did you meet? How long together? I want to know your stories, everyone has their person. Everyone loves.....tell me about your family, your friends, your life too, as if this was your living room. ♥️
We are team FU cancer (Named by Parry, our sweet sister) and this is our Lol pub and living room. Welcome, put your feet up and just be you!
Feb 3, 2019 02:59PM bigbhome wrote:
Oh, I forgot to tell you all that we are getting Skittles a little sister at the end of the week! She is coming from the same breeder in Texas! She is snow white and I can't wait to see her! I will send pictures when she gets here. Also, I get to meet my new MO tomorrow and I'm excited to hear new ideas!
Claudia
Feb 3, 2019 03:20PM Donnabelle wrote:
Micmel my heart hurts for you and what you are going through. Is there something that you can do for yourself to relieve stress. You need to take care of your own precious health and not sacrifice at this point when it is so important. Get some rest, get a massage, go out to lunch with supportive people, take a long bath, go on a date with dh, whatever works to take your mind off of the troubles. Or my go to....retail therapy! You have gone above and beyond to help and do not deserve bad treatment from anyone. I hope you can feel peace within yourself knowing that you have done so much for others. Now, please do something for yourself!
Donna
Feb 3, 2019 04:17PM 50sgirl wrote:
Mel, It is good that you moved your dad to a better facility. He will adjust to it with time. Now that he is being taken care of, you need to make sure that you are taking care of yourself so you don't become ill. It is not your responsibility to be all things to or be all things for your father. Do what you can do without a problem, and know that even the little things are a gift for him. You have received sage advice about what to do if your father says mean things. Remove yourself from the situation and don't take any of the toxic words to heart. I have found that people who are very ill and facing death sometimes say hurtful things. That doesn't mean that they truly feel nasty thoughts (although in some sort cases they do.) I think they are scared, tired, angry, sad, under the influence of medication, and feel helpless and/or hopeless at times. They lash out at people because they have no other outlet. Who are the people they lash out at? The people closest to them, the people who love them, the people they love most. Why? Who knows. Maybe it is because they feel that the people who love them will forgive them. The monster-in-law? Try to ignore her rants and shenanigans. She has a problem, and you owe her nothing. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
I will try to post more later, but for now, as a change of pace, here are a couple of pictures from Disneyworld. My DH and I had breakfast with Mickey and his friends the other day. As a side note, I have seen lots of Patriots shirts here this week.)
Hugs and prayers from, Lynne.
Feb 3, 2019 04:55PM runor wrote:
Micmel, I echo what everyone else here has said. You did right by your dad. You acted on your ethics. Action is love. Doing is love. You stood and were counted in both cases. No shame. None at all. Have absolute peace with what you did to get care for someone who needed it. And he clearly does.
His bad behaviour? It could be all sorts of causes, as everyone else has pointed out. When he quits being your dad and turns into Mr. Ugly Pants, you get to quit being daughter and turn into Mrs. Going Home To Eat Cupcakes, and leave. It is SO HARD not to take the words of loved ones to heart. But he is altered by age, health, stress and probably medication. If you can let it roll off, breathe a deep breath in and let it all blow away. Then eat a cupcake. Cause you deserve it, girlfriend!
Feb 3, 2019 04:57PM micmel wrote:
Bella~I totally agree and needed to see that in writing. I went back today with his clean pants and the sound machine l, when we got there he was asleep. We tried not to wake him up, but he woke up and smiled when he saw who it was. My DH made a point to come to announce there will be no whipping post occurrences. I truly think he was just freaked out after being shifted too three places in one week. He is back on his medication. I made sure of that today, discussed the alcohol issue. Which I have to purchase. But first I have to get the order from the doctor. Which I will do tomorrow. I have an appointment Tommorow myself with the wonderful people that got my dad in that place. So I am so thankful for them. I had him changed to the place 4 miles away from my house within 12 hours of my first call. I had a room number within 6. I am thankful. For knowing people. My step monster is claiming all the credit saying she demanded he be moved. She was told their was no beds. Started freaking out. But I am a behind the scenes worker. Just makes me sick ! thanks for the words of advice and kindness. Hugs my friend 🌹~M~
Feb 3, 2019 05:03PM micmel wrote:
Muddling~He truly is being taken care of. It's awonderf place. Their are some asses in this place that aren't too nice. But I'll just kill them with kindness. They will bend to me after a while. I have a way like that. Be around me long enough and you'll either love me or hate me. He was telling us about a blow out he had in his pants last night. It was everywhere he said. He said he felt bad for the person. I noticed his bed was clean, and he smelled fresh. They cleaned him well. Today he seems to like it there more today. like someone said. He will get used to it. Because if I'm honest , I don't think she has any plans to bring him home again. It's just-a feeling I have. The plan is she will bring him home when her arm heals. 6-8 weeks. I am not sure that Is going To be the case. Thank you as well for even caring. ~M ~
Feb 3, 2019 05:13PM micmel wrote:
Rosabella~ Hi there cutie!! The medicine I had him put back on is the Ativan. He needs it. It helps his anxiety. The nurse gave it to him when I was there. I know it helped him. What I don't understand is why the step monster didn't make sure he was getting it when she was there this morning. She sent a “group text" to my sister and I saying. “The other crappy place didn't return his charger and his phone Is going to die." So when we got there. He was so upset and worried about his phone dying. His only line to thee outside. His line to family. He was getting upset watching the charge slowly shrink. Again, she did nothing !!
My DH looked at the phone and walked out to his car and got his “box o shit" which has everything you could imagine in it. He's a computer engineer and has every chord known to man. Comes back in with the charger that my dad needed. My dad smiled so bright. He was relieved so much. He thanked him several times. Another problem solved. My sister texted my step monster to ask about his blanket.... and we were informed she was at Disney on ice! He's laying in a. New strange place... alone. And his wife. Is out spending money and not there with him solving his care issues and getting him settled. 😞like wow!
Feb 3, 2019 05:25PM micmel wrote:
Bigbhome~Hello sweet woman, how I miss your sweet smile here with us. I agree with you, it's really rough how this is all shaking down. He knows now, I am 4 miles away. He said put your number in my favorites please ? I was looking for your number and couldn't find it. Which means I'm going to call you constantly. But at least I know he's safe. Hes not alone, I am going to check on him everyday I am able. He's tucked in a lovely place with a pastor in the bed next to him. Who is never even in the room. So he has a quiet room. It is like something fell Into place strangely. My step monster was told there was a waiting list for a bed anywhere. No openings. I called my hospice group.. they did their magic and pulled strings and made sure he not only had the best facility nearest me, but the newly renovated part, And he came from an awful room with four people total in his room to now only one roommate. It's a huge difference. Huge. I hope he knows that although I am sick. I still have his back no matter how mean he was or how many times he left me. Love you friend. Thank you for the advice 💙
Feb 3, 2019 05:33PM micmel wrote:
Donna~Hello lovely lady! It sure has been a trying month. I'm trying each day to find some strength to solve one issue. If I can do that. I am making progress. I can't just leave him in a place that I wouldn't stay in myself. I just love unconditional to a fault sometimes. But today I saw he knew, who really is showing up and being there for him. He really is starting to get it. I am finding it interesting that whenever we are visiting and it's my sister that is with me, he always asks me to do this, cover me please , do me a favor, can you please help with this. I'm always the one running to ask the doctors and make shit happen. I am wondering why he isn't asking my sister to do things for him. Yesterday he asked my sister, “oh is she the boss now?" It's crazy. I need a course in understanding dying dialogue and thinking. Confusion becomes a big part. But I'm just wondering. You would think he would lean to her more considering she was never beenestranged from him. But I have been for 16 years. So why is he wanting me to do it all? You would think he wouldn't want me even there. If I was so disposable. Ugh mind f**k. Hugs new friend and welcome back 🥂🧁😃 ~M~
Feb 3, 2019 05:36PM micmel wrote:
Bigbhome ~Yay for skittles. Can’t wait for pics. I still remember the beautiful dog you had brought home last year. I forget the name you gave her. I think it began with an a. But you had to get rid of her. So I hope your choice this time is a better fit for what you want. I love doggies !! 😃💕
