Topic: My Husband, My Life, My Love, My Family, My Cancer

Forum: Stage IV/Metastatic Breast Cancer, Open to All To Contribute — Topics here are started by members with a Stage IV/Metastatic Breast Cancer diagnosis, but open to all members to contribute to discussions. Please note that there is a separate forum, Stage IV/Metastatic Breast Cancer ONLY, where topics are open only to those members.

Posted on: Jul 6, 2017 08:38PM - edited Oct 28, 2019 12:42PM by micmel

Posted on: Jul 6, 2017 08:38PM - edited Oct 28, 2019 12:42PM by micmel

micmel wrote:

As I go through this forced path I have been thrown down, I have come to realize the love I have always had for my husband was strong. He is amazing and I love him with my very soul and entire heart. Never would I ever imagine the thought of dying and him being alone. Then the worst part hit me!! I can't seem to shake the horrible sorrow of thinking of another woman taking my place in his life and his heart, and if I Am honest his bed. He is my best friend and the love of my life, I would never need another for any reason. He makes my life complete, and then this happens. How do I process that I most likely won't be the one growing old on the porch that we have talked about, how do I process, someone else sitting in that chair? I hate this trajectory path I've been spun onto, and everyday I feel grief and deep sorrow. How do I live everyday knowing in the back of my mind, I feel like a place holder, for another woman who will be stepping into my life when I die of this horrible disease, more sooner than later. Why would I even want to take any medicines or treatments, when the answer is pretty obviously in front of my face.? Why do we fight so hard for something we cannot control ? Why do we hurt so badly thinking about letting go, or giving up? It's a four letter word that holds so much power. That word is LOVE..... If you have ever felt this way. Share with me, because I understand, I feel this way everyday. I also don't know what to do with the sadness of loss or how to process the process of dying. However slow or fast it may be. Please share your love stories with me, how did you meet? How long together? I want to know your stories, everyone has their person. Everyone loves.....tell me about your family, your friends, your life too, as if this was your living room. ♥️

We are team FU cancer (Named by Parry, our sweet sister) and this is our Lol pub and living room. Welcome, put your feet up and just be you!

Everyone has to dance, they just don’t know what song they will get. Dx 1/22/2016, IDC, Left, 4cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 2, 13/35 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 2/10/2016 AC Surgery 6/21/2016 Lymph node removal; Lymph node removal (Left): Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy; Mastectomy (Left) Chemotherapy 7/20/2016 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 11/7/2016 Ibrance (palbociclib) Surgery Chemotherapy Chemotherapy Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole)
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Feb 7, 2019 01:25PM micmel wrote:

This is my beautiful friend DianaRose. Absolutely gorgeous inside and outside. She never complained. Always pleasant and someone I honestly spoke to daily. My heart is so hurt. It seems surreal. When she said goodbye to me. I felt my life would never be the same. She touched me, although we never met, we would write occasionally, send funny cards. And speak on the phone when she was up to it. She had a great sense of humor as well. What brought us together was the deep love we each have for our husbands. She saw my post and that was it. Instant friends. I am just numb. I hope you're looking down knowing how loved you truly were. 💔💜🌹💐 ~M~

Everyone has to dance, they just don’t know what song they will get. Dx 1/22/2016, IDC, Left, 4cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 2, 13/35 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 2/10/2016 AC Surgery 6/21/2016 Lymph node removal; Lymph node removal (Left): Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy; Mastectomy (Left) Chemotherapy 7/20/2016 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 11/7/2016 Ibrance (palbociclib) Surgery Chemotherapy Chemotherapy Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole)
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Feb 7, 2019 07:56PM runor wrote:

Micmel, take a day off from seeing your dad. This schedule is exhausting and you need some time at home, in your own space, to rest and mourn. You will not be labeled a Bad Daughter if you can't make it every day. Getting him better care wa your goal and you did that. Mission accomplished. But it is not reasonable to expect you can be there every single day. If you take some time off no one will think less of you and I sure hope you wouldn't think less of yourself!

All these fallen women. It scares me awake at night and fills me with sorrow thinking of all those they left behind, husbands and children and parents who have to go forward without them, much sooner than anyone planned. I don't have the right words to express the grief and powerless horror.

Dx 3/23/2017, IDC, Left, 2cm, Stage IIB, Grade 2, 0/1 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 4/12/2017 Lumpectomy; Lumpectomy (Left); Lymph node removal Radiation Therapy 7/5/2017 Whole breast: Breast Hormonal Therapy Tamoxifen pills (Nolvadex, Apo-Tamox, Tamofen, Tamone)
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Feb 7, 2019 10:06PM micmel wrote:

Runor~Hi there lovely. I am beat. Tired for sure. I just feel bad if he doesn’t see someone he recognizes everyday. Tomorrow I have to get a butterscotch krimpet and coffee cakes. So ill grab a few. I need a few things anyway. But yuck I have the grocery store. I came right home today at noon and slept until 5:00 ish. So I am taking ever chance I can go sleep. I can’t get sick. I have my bloodwork and XGeva shot one week today. Tumor markers drawn as well. I’ve been kicking ass so they should follow Suit. I hope. Thanks for letting me know I am not super woman. No I’m not. My spine feels like glass. Goodnight ladies
Everyone has to dance, they just don’t know what song they will get. Dx 1/22/2016, IDC, Left, 4cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 2, 13/35 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 2/10/2016 AC Surgery 6/21/2016 Lymph node removal; Lymph node removal (Left): Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy; Mastectomy (Left) Chemotherapy 7/20/2016 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 11/7/2016 Ibrance (palbociclib) Surgery Chemotherapy Chemotherapy Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole)
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Feb 7, 2019 11:10PM runor wrote:

Micmel, you misunderstand me. I think you ARE a Superwoman! Super-duper fantabulous awesome woman! But ...even Superwoman is entitled to a day off. I think it's written into the labour laws somewhere under sub-heading "when superheroes have to take a day off to launder cape and tights.." I think allowing yourself a day off is a constitutional right. Have no guilt!

Dx 3/23/2017, IDC, Left, 2cm, Stage IIB, Grade 2, 0/1 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 4/12/2017 Lumpectomy; Lumpectomy (Left); Lymph node removal Radiation Therapy 7/5/2017 Whole breast: Breast Hormonal Therapy Tamoxifen pills (Nolvadex, Apo-Tamox, Tamofen, Tamone)
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Feb 8, 2019 08:20AM micmel wrote:

Runor~I appreciate you so much. All of you are so important to me. My head is literally spinning. And I'm just this piece of drift wood..floating in the useless waves that don't move you anywhere they just tumble you ever so slightly that you are reminded you're still a float. Even though it's 4 miles away it gets to you. Serious. Like wow. I so enjoy seeing him to where I am not breaking my back anymore lifting him. Now to the laundry. I have new respect for all things hospice and palliative. Even more than I did before. These are seriously angels. So thank you if any of you are nurses. (Sweet lynnwood) the nurses with my father are amazing. I can see his liver is shutting down. He's becoming jaundice. I also know that is why I'm not saying oh I'll go tomorrow or the next day because when he passes. I need to be there. I need to witness something I have never witnessed before and I need this for my own sense of peace and comfort knowing my cancer can open up at any moment and let a can of whoop ass on me again. Watching the death up close this way is allowing me to see it first hand. It isn't pretty. Not in the least!

Love you guys ! ~M~

Everyone has to dance, they just don’t know what song they will get. Dx 1/22/2016, IDC, Left, 4cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 2, 13/35 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 2/10/2016 AC Surgery 6/21/2016 Lymph node removal; Lymph node removal (Left): Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy; Mastectomy (Left) Chemotherapy 7/20/2016 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 11/7/2016 Ibrance (palbociclib) Surgery Chemotherapy Chemotherapy Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole)
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Feb 8, 2019 12:17PM Grannax2 wrote:

Micmel. I'm taking two weeks off from thinking about my combative MO. I'm only thinking about first things first. Today my car needs to be inspected, I also need to talk to the jewelry lady about necklace and bracelet and earrings for NYC, I need to try on my black gown so I can alter it, I need to go see my granddaughter in her first Discovery I. Competition tomorrow, I need to be back in time for my fabricator to measure my bathroom for my new quartz countertop. And on and on. I am so blessed, yet you know all I went through with my Wicked Witch of the North who married my father and ruined my relationship with him. I had my own step monster. Good news is I got through it and she died. Things change. You will get to move forward someday.

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Feb 8, 2019 12:41PM micmel wrote:

well said Grannax well said. You’re on my mind. I know you have had a rough time of it all. Lately. Hugging you gently.

Everyone has to dance, they just don’t know what song they will get. Dx 1/22/2016, IDC, Left, 4cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 2, 13/35 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 2/10/2016 AC Surgery 6/21/2016 Lymph node removal; Lymph node removal (Left): Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy; Mastectomy (Left) Chemotherapy 7/20/2016 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 11/7/2016 Ibrance (palbociclib) Surgery Chemotherapy Chemotherapy Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole)
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Feb 8, 2019 01:33PM Lynnwood1960 wrote:

Micmel, as a nurse I have seen many people die. I tell you this in advance because I have seen it SO many times. The loved one sits at the bedside of the patient who is actively dying. They literally sit there for hours upon hours. They get up to go to the bathroom or get a cup of coffee, the patient dies in the 5 minutes that they are gone. If this happens to you, know this... I firmly believe that the patient is trying to spare their loved one the sight of their death. They love you so much that they do not want them to witness something painful. This may not happen to you but I have comforted many family members who say, “ but I only went to the bathroom, I was gone less then 5 minutes “. It is the final act of love from the patient. On the other end of the spectrum, one of my patients reached her hands in the air as she was dying and said “ Oh my God, it is so beautiful!” I always remembered that. Some patients need to know that it’s ok to go. Some had no family and we would gently tell them that their work on Earth was done, it was ok to go and that we would see them again at the pearly gates. It was honor for me to witness this sacred event as they transitioned from one world to the next.

Dx 4/6/2015, ILC, Right, 3cm, Stage IV, Grade 2, 0/12 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Targeted Therapy Ibrance (palbociclib)
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Feb 8, 2019 02:07PM Lynnwood1960 wrote:

Grannax, looking forward to seeing pictures of you in your beautiful dress! Have a blast!!! Hi to everyone!!!

Dx 4/6/2015, ILC, Right, 3cm, Stage IV, Grade 2, 0/12 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- Targeted Therapy Ibrance (palbociclib)
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Feb 8, 2019 03:58PM micmel wrote:

Lynnwood~ very well said and very touching. I don’t know which will happen. But I know it’s coming. I can see it before my eyes everyday. The decline. The struggle is real my friends as you all know.

Boo boo. ?? Florida. ? Yay or nay? Miss you!

Grannax. You’ll be beautiful no matter what. I wish these treatments weren’t so awful on us. Geeze. All of us are having such a hard time. Lynne man🥺. Diana dying... Parry struggling and trying treatments left and right. I mean. 🥴🤯🤬

Everyone has to dance, they just don’t know what song they will get. Dx 1/22/2016, IDC, Left, 4cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 2, 13/35 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 2/10/2016 AC Surgery 6/21/2016 Lymph node removal; Lymph node removal (Left): Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy; Mastectomy (Left) Chemotherapy 7/20/2016 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 11/7/2016 Ibrance (palbociclib) Surgery Chemotherapy Chemotherapy Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole)

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