Topic: My Husband, My Life, My Love, My Family, My Cancer

Forum: Stage IV/Metastatic Breast Cancer, Open to All To Contribute — Topics here are started by members with a Stage IV/Metastatic Breast Cancer diagnosis, but open to all members to contribute to discussions. Please note that there is a separate forum, Stage IV/Metastatic Breast Cancer ONLY, where topics are open only to those members.

Posted on: Jul 6, 2017 05:38PM - edited Oct 28, 2019 09:42AM by micmel

Posted on: Jul 6, 2017 05:38PM - edited Oct 28, 2019 09:42AM by micmel

micmel wrote:

As I go through this forced path I have been thrown down, I have come to realize the love I have always had for my husband was strong. He is amazing and I love him with my very soul and entire heart. Never would I ever imagine the thought of dying and him being alone. Then the worst part hit me!! I can't seem to shake the horrible sorrow of thinking of another woman taking my place in his life and his heart, and if I Am honest his bed. He is my best friend and the love of my life, I would never need another for any reason. He makes my life complete, and then this happens. How do I process that I most likely won't be the one growing old on the porch that we have talked about, how do I process, someone else sitting in that chair? I hate this trajectory path I've been spun onto, and everyday I feel grief and deep sorrow. How do I live everyday knowing in the back of my mind, I feel like a place holder, for another woman who will be stepping into my life when I die of this horrible disease, more sooner than later. Why would I even want to take any medicines or treatments, when the answer is pretty obviously in front of my face.? Why do we fight so hard for something we cannot control ? Why do we hurt so badly thinking about letting go, or giving up? It's a four letter word that holds so much power. That word is LOVE..... If you have ever felt this way. Share with me, because I understand, I feel this way everyday. I also don't know what to do with the sadness of loss or how to process the process of dying. However slow or fast it may be. Please share your love stories with me, how did you meet? How long together? I want to know your stories, everyone has their person. Everyone loves.....tell me about your family, your friends, your life too, as if this was your living room. ♥️

We are team FU cancer (Named by Parry, our sweet sister) and this is our Lol pub and living room. Welcome, put your feet up and just be you!

Everyone has to dance, they just don’t know what song they will get. Dx 1/22/2016, IDC, Left, 4cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 2, 13/35 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 2/9/2016 AC Surgery 6/20/2016 Lymph node removal; Lymph node removal (Left): Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy; Mastectomy (Left) Chemotherapy 7/19/2016 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 11/6/2016 Ibrance (palbociclib) Surgery Chemotherapy Chemotherapy Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole)
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Mar 7, 2019 06:17AM Gumdoctor wrote:

Oh Micmel...tears of joy for you and your daughter...thank you for sharing such a special, profound story.

Gumdoctor

Dx 7/9/2014, IDC, Both breasts, 5cm, Stage IIIA, Grade 3, 5/6 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-, Surgery 7/28/2014 Lymph node removal: Sentinel; Mastectomy: Left, Right Dx 12/20/2017, IDC, Both breasts, 5cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 3, 5/6 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-, Surgery Reconstruction (left): Nipple tattoo; Reconstruction (right): Nipple tattoo Surgery Reconstruction (left): Fat grafting; Reconstruction (right): Fat grafting Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole) Chemotherapy Cytoxan (cyclophosphamide), Ellence (epirubicin), Fluorouracil (5-fluorouracil, 5-FU, Adrucil), Taxotere (docetaxel) Surgery Reconstruction (left): DIEP flap Surgery Reconstruction (left): Fat grafting, Nipple reconstruction; Reconstruction (right): Fat grafting, Nipple reconstruction Surgery Reconstruction (left): DIEP flap; Reconstruction (right): DIEP flap Hormonal Therapy Faslodex (fulvestrant) Targeted Therapy Ibrance (palbociclib) Radiation Therapy Whole breast: Breast, Lymph nodes, Chest wall
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Mar 7, 2019 06:31AM Grannax2 wrote:

Micmel that story gave me goosebumps. Hopefully soon, I will share one like that about my DD.

PerryandI. I've been reading your story even though I haven't posted. You and your husband must have courage above and beyond admirable. Thank you for your words of encouragement, that is exactly my wish.

Daniel you are every woman's dream caregiver. Your loving, faithful care of your wife uplifting to her and to us.

Tanya love the hula skirt. I have pics like this of me when I went to Maui 10 years ago. One playing a ukulele, one with a fresh pineapple on my head, one in a canoe, one surfing. Ha. All fake. It was for a little book for my granddaughter.

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Mar 7, 2019 04:51PM micmel wrote:

Grannax~ I am hoping for you that you will! All that you have done and accomplished.... it just plain will happen.

I saw my father today. When. I arrived he wasn't in a good mood at all. I could tell he was fatigued and not comfortable. I had brought him warm pumpkin bread with butter and some coffee...at first he didn't seem interested but then slowly. Wanted to see what I had. I took his dirty laundry and put away his clean things. I said you're all set with your clothes dad. He replied “that is because you're the one doing all of it for me, and I appreciate it. Thank you..". I said back with a smile. “Dad, I don't mind. I want to make sure you have what you need, we are all a team right?" And he smiled. I sat with him for an hour and we talked about things that I never throught I would. Ever get the chance to hear. He said he knew I did the right thing for my life and that he knew I was happy and taken care of. He knew my DH is a good man. He knows I have a happy life that I am holding onto with all of my might and heart. Today was filled with exceptional moments. How odd... how it comes.

His back was itching him a lot. I covered his back with the itch cream that I had for my own skin issues with all my surgeries and it works! his shoulders and tried to coat it and make it thick to help. He seemed happy with that. And told me he was tired. I said I would be back tomorrow. He watched me walk away...sometimes I get scared with worry.... will this be the last time I look into his big blue eyes.? I don't want to see him suffer. But I've not lost someone of immediate family. And I don't know how one goes about loosing a parent or someone in your life that is not someone who comes and goes. Even though there was estrangement, the love as a child was there. I'm learning as I go that I miss being young when all you did was want summers off and all you did was worry who's pool we would swim in that day... I always felt like I'd always be so young. Then one day a wrinkle appeared. Then a lump. And now every single moment of my new normal is spent wondering if this moment I am experiencing with this person may be my last. Terribly frightening.... and surreal..... but I am also loving more and forgiving more. I kinda like those things. Sometimes change can be good.... ~M~

Everyone has to dance, they just don’t know what song they will get. Dx 1/22/2016, IDC, Left, 4cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 2, 13/35 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 2/9/2016 AC Surgery 6/20/2016 Lymph node removal; Lymph node removal (Left): Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy; Mastectomy (Left) Chemotherapy 7/19/2016 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 11/6/2016 Ibrance (palbociclib) Surgery Chemotherapy Chemotherapy Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole)
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Mar 7, 2019 05:23PM jkl2017 wrote:

Mel, you are such a wonderful daughter. It blows me away that you can put aside your own pain & fatigue to take such good care of your father. You are an amazing example to your own children (& to all of us!). No matter what the future holds for your dad, you have given him a gift that is truly enhancing whatever time he has left. I am so happy for you that he finally validated the decisions you made in the past; you surely deserve that. I hope your conversations with him bring you peace.


Dx 2/2/2017, ILC, Right, 2cm, Stage IIA, Grade 2, ER+/PR+, HER2- Surgery 3/7/2017 Lumpectomy; Lumpectomy (Right); Lymph node removal Radiation Therapy 3/19/2017 Internal catheter: Breast Hormonal Therapy 5/23/2017 Arimidex (anastrozole), Aromasin (exemestane)
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Mar 7, 2019 06:29PM micmel wrote:

I guess it all comes back to.... you gotta do what you gotta do... I could make excuses. But that helps no one at the end of a parents life. At least I’ll have these moments forever. The moments of him knowing that nothing kept me away. Every time he gets changed into a new sweatshirt or clothing. He smells the fresh smell of the fabric softener. The softness of love in the dryer. Every folding of every towel. Shows I loved him no matter what!

Everyone has to dance, they just don’t know what song they will get. Dx 1/22/2016, IDC, Left, 4cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 2, 13/35 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 2/9/2016 AC Surgery 6/20/2016 Lymph node removal; Lymph node removal (Left): Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy; Mastectomy (Left) Chemotherapy 7/19/2016 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 11/6/2016 Ibrance (palbociclib) Surgery Chemotherapy Chemotherapy Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole)
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Mar 7, 2019 07:23PM Parrynd1 wrote:

Micmel it’s sobtouching to hear how you are taking cre of your dad. I wish I could have taken care of my grandma more. Life is so fragile. It can be over in a moment by any number of causes. Having cancer has stripped away the illusion I didn’t know I had that it’s esdy to live to be 50 or older. I almost felt like it was a guarantee and bad things happened to others. Now I know nothing in life is guaranteed. It’s not that it changed, but I’m more sensitive to it staring this disease in its face. I also realized just because I have cancer doesn’t mean that’s what will do me in. You just never know so enjoy what’s in front of you and hope to have more. It’s easier said than done of course! Yay another day of feeling like bleh, but I am glad for the time. Hope you & dad have a good day tomorrow 😊
Dx 9/4/2016, IDC, Right, 4cm, Stage IIIA, Grade 3, ER-/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 11/29/2016 Other Chemotherapy 2/21/2017 AC Surgery 5/17/2017 Lumpectomy: Right; Lymph node removal: Right, Sentinel Chemotherapy 6/14/2017 Carboplatin (Paraplatin), Taxol (paclitaxel) Radiation Therapy 10/4/2017 Whole breast: Breast, Lymph nodes Dx 3/2018, IDC, Right, 5cm, Stage IV, metastasized to brain/bone/lungs/other, Grade 3, 1/1 nodes, ER-/PR-, HER2- Radiation Therapy 5/23/2018 External: Brain Chemotherapy 6/27/2018 Other Targeted Therapy 10/1/2018 Avastin (bevacizumab) Radiation Therapy 12/28/2018 Whole breast: Breast Chemotherapy 12/30/2018 Halaven (eribulin) Dx 1/29/2019, IDC, <1cm, Stage IV, metastasized to other, Grade 3, 1/1 nodes, ER-/PR-, HER2-, Dx 2/5/2019, 3cm, Stage IV, metastasized to brain, Grade 3, ER-/PR-, HER2-, Surgery Chemotherapy Other
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Mar 8, 2019 04:24AM micmel wrote:

Parry~ my beautiful friend. I’m exhausted. As I know we all are. I thought yesterday about my energy levels and how they suck. I forced myself to move yesterday. When I got home, I was so happy that I made myself do it. I guess for me, It’s going to come down to pushing myself beyond what I thought was possible, it is a real thing for us all. I literally just woke up and could go back to sleep already. Caffeine doesn’t do a damn thing. My ritilan lasts for a few hours. But feel fake on it. Like a running engine with only fumes coughing to the gas station. I have a lot to do today. Ugh! Abracadabra it’s done! NOT!!!! I wish I had a magic wand! For us all. I honestly do! Runor? You ok girl ? Nanette you’re on my Mind. As all you other ladies and Daniel are. 💙 to all my friends! ~M~
Everyone has to dance, they just don’t know what song they will get. Dx 1/22/2016, IDC, Left, 4cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 2, 13/35 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 2/9/2016 AC Surgery 6/20/2016 Lymph node removal; Lymph node removal (Left): Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy; Mastectomy (Left) Chemotherapy 7/19/2016 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 11/6/2016 Ibrance (palbociclib) Surgery Chemotherapy Chemotherapy Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole)
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Mar 8, 2019 10:30AM bigbhome wrote:

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood! 76 degrees, the sun is shining and the humidity is low! Its a great day to be alive!


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Mar 8, 2019 10:52AM Parrynd1 wrote:

Micmel you can do it! Just don’t over do it lol. I definitely know the running on fumes part and I don’t do half as much as you. Once the pain is under control I hope to be more active, but it seems like everything is just a wait and see how it goes and time is not a resource I want to use for wait and see! We could use a magic wand! Decorate it all pretty with our team name and everything. Anytime one of us gets bad news or needs some help. Poof! Magic and it’s all better 🧞‍♀️💖

Bighome I love that picture. I can’t totally see myself hanging out drinking some sweet tea watching the clouds drift by and the birds chirping...smell of the trees and dirt. Hope you have some extra time to just enjoy your beautiful day 😊
Dx 9/4/2016, IDC, Right, 4cm, Stage IIIA, Grade 3, ER-/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 11/29/2016 Other Chemotherapy 2/21/2017 AC Surgery 5/17/2017 Lumpectomy: Right; Lymph node removal: Right, Sentinel Chemotherapy 6/14/2017 Carboplatin (Paraplatin), Taxol (paclitaxel) Radiation Therapy 10/4/2017 Whole breast: Breast, Lymph nodes Dx 3/2018, IDC, Right, 5cm, Stage IV, metastasized to brain/bone/lungs/other, Grade 3, 1/1 nodes, ER-/PR-, HER2- Radiation Therapy 5/23/2018 External: Brain Chemotherapy 6/27/2018 Other Targeted Therapy 10/1/2018 Avastin (bevacizumab) Radiation Therapy 12/28/2018 Whole breast: Breast Chemotherapy 12/30/2018 Halaven (eribulin) Dx 1/29/2019, IDC, <1cm, Stage IV, metastasized to other, Grade 3, 1/1 nodes, ER-/PR-, HER2-, Dx 2/5/2019, 3cm, Stage IV, metastasized to brain, Grade 3, ER-/PR-, HER2-, Surgery Chemotherapy Other
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Mar 8, 2019 10:53AM micmel wrote:

thank you Bigbhome for pointing out something I need to be thankful for each day. What a beautiful sky and a beautiful pic. From a beautiful friend. Who Ive missed ! Hugs sweetness !

Everyone has to dance, they just don’t know what song they will get. Dx 1/22/2016, IDC, Left, 4cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 2, 13/35 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 2/9/2016 AC Surgery 6/20/2016 Lymph node removal; Lymph node removal (Left): Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy; Mastectomy (Left) Chemotherapy 7/19/2016 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 11/6/2016 Ibrance (palbociclib) Surgery Chemotherapy Chemotherapy Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole)

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