Topic: My Husband, My Life, My Love, My Family, My Cancer

Jan 14, 2022 12:09PM KBL wrote:

Chicagoan, thank you. I am so appreciative when someone can share real stories and let us know what happened. I know I can count on my sister to post when my time has come

Jan 14, 2022 01:12PM - edited Jan 14, 2022 01:15PM by moth

candy we have organizations here that find new pre-screened homes for pets after people die or enter hospice. Ours takes preregistration... they also help pets when women have to enter a domestic abuse shelter....usually pets aren't allowed so they're fostered with the organization until the woman is back in stable housing.

Maybe call around animal.rescues in your area and see if there's such a thing where you live?

Re cause of death, I was told it it would be written like "organ failure secondary to breast cancer" ... mechanistic explanation and then the underlying condition which caused it if known. Cancer on its own usually doesn't kill; it causes systems to fail..we die because of infection, lung failure, multi system organ failure, heart failure, aneurysms, hemorrhage, ischemic stroke etc etc but they're all secondary to the cancer because cancer causes the whole system to wobble and fall.

I don't know if I want quick or gradual. I don't want it at all

Jan 14, 2022 01:29PM illimae wrote:

my ability to live a pretty ordinary life is basically how I cope. When I get down, I make a day of it, order pizza, watch a sad movie, have wine or ice cream and get it all out, then move on. When I’m up, I rarely think about it. Ideally, my death will be far off in the future but I do want it quick, maybe I’ll get hit by that bus everyone talks about, lol.

Jan 14, 2022 01:57PM candy-678 wrote:

I too have things to "get away". A good book. Or a good movie. Or just being comfy in my home on a cold winter's day.

But then death sneaks in. Last night I came across a good movie "Fried Green Tomatoes". Have seen it a million times. Have some of the script memorized. But then, BAM, the scene of the character dying, of course, of cancer. Or watching the weather and a story comes on the news of a child dying in an accident. Or the commercials of children with cancer at St. Jude Hospital. Sadness all around us.

Jan 14, 2022 02:35PM moth wrote:

the difficulty for me is that I don't feel I live an ordinary life anymore. 21 months of taxane chemo has worn me down & I'm dragging myself around. Giving up on one thing after another means that I'm constantly reframing what the good things are. Right now I'm super anxious about getting this med approved and starting treatment...& whether it will work (it only works in ~30% of patients). I can't get comfortable sitting; can't tell if I have an anxiety stomach ache or my liver mets are bothering me.

& then I get into a spiral of "oh no, what if this is the good day, what if it goes downhill from here, then I have to make this count, & am I really? Is this enough? Should I push harder?" but I feel like crap so I don't...& then I just feel bad for not "living my life to the fullest!" like all the inspiring social media cancer posts which get tons of shares & likes tell me I'm supposed to be doing

anyway. I'm obviously in a funk

Jan 14, 2022 02:51PM mara51506 wrote:

Moth, you are most certainly in a funk. I also don't think you should worry about what the inspiring cancer poster is doing when you are feeling badly. Your energy is gone right now and it is hard to want to do anything in that situation. Only thing I can think of is don't bother with the inspiring cancer poster if they make you feel like you are not living your best. You decide what is best for you, leave the past self in the past as best as you can. That line of thinking and regret will just make you feel worse. Find something you enjoy, even if a good movie on streaming, a walk around the house or on the spot if no energy or outdoors if nice. The cross country skiing on the snowy street looked cool as well. Just do your best to remove the thoughts about how much more you could do before, be amazed at what you have done just being here and doing other things while on active treatment.

Jan 14, 2022 04:04PM MoCoGram wrote:

Mae, I really like your common sense and your outlook on life. I envy you enjoying a bowl of Raisin Bran. Like you, I'm on Xeloda and Tukysa, stated in early December, and I'm having a really tough time with diarrhea, loss of appetite, mouth sores, even some HFS. It's hard to find something to eat that I enjoy and that won't upset my stomach. Did you have any problems when you first began taking these drugs?

Jan 14, 2022 05:01PM Chicagoan wrote:

Mara-So glad those poles are working out!

I'm up for a pizza/ice cream party. I"ll take pepperoni and chocolate hip!

Jan 14, 2022 05:37PM Kikomoon wrote:

Illimae- I am on a Raisin Bran kick right now too! I really am enjoying it and when I told some friends yesterday they were like…oookk. Started because we are watching Seinfeld episodes in the background and he’s always eating cereal.

MoCoGram, I’m on that regimen and still have some appetite problems. I can always drink a Glucerna Hunger Smart shake though. My HFS didn’t show up until 3 months in and I constantly have to watch it, deal with it.

Today I took off work to sleep in, had my 3-month EKG and my heart looks amazing. Well at least I have that going for me. Picked up my last 2 CT and MRI scan discs and sent for Monday delivery to MDA to get a second opinion. We’re going out to dinner tonight because why the hell not, no time like right now.

Moth- I made a list of things I need to do, I’m a planner, it’s what I do, and it makes me feel better, if the end is years from now, great. If it’s sooner, well then at least I’ll have some stuff taken care of. But when I woke up this morning all I wanted to do was lay there and watch Seinfeld, not living my life to the fullest but the pressure is there to do just that.

Jan 14, 2022 05:56PM Micmel wrote:

Chiris~ good to see you back. Sorry about the clot problems. Sometimes I think I want it to be quick and then I look at my sons crystal blue eyes or my daughters beautiful smile and spirit. My dss' laughter and kindness. My DH and his special way of loving me. That makes me re think the speed thing. Hanging on to every minute then comes to mind.

Jan 14, 2022 06:27PM Kikomoon wrote:

Dutchiris, so sorry about your clotting issues. I am hopeful the blood thinners will keep it in check.

Jan 14, 2022 09:43PM booboo1 wrote:

I LOVE Cinnamon Life cereal. That gives me the jiggle giggle. I was thinking back to all of the truly awful cereals (loaded with sugar) we used to eat as kids: Frosted Flakes, Sugar Pops, Fruit Loops, Trix etc. But oh boy were they delicious as a kid. Never too much sugar. What kinds do you remember?

Update: I made it to PA…back visiting my sisters. My sister Rhonda (my person) has friends from her church who have a basement apartment, and she happened to ask them about renting it to me. We went over to see it yesterday, and I was shocked by how nice it is…doesn't feel like it's in a basement. Anyway, my sister's friend just finished chemo several months ago, so she is very sensitive to what I am going through. Get this: they only want $100 a month for rent. I argued, but they insist that's it…they honestly didn't want anything, but said $100 a month is all they will take.

So, I will be moving back to PA sometime the week of March 1st. My youngest sister from TX is going to fly to FL, and then the two of us will take a road trip to PA. She is going to handle where we stop along the way, and we are going to have some fun doing it. We call ourselves “Thelma & Louise" because we have been know to get into some trouble in our younger years. So should be an interesting trip.

My husband refuses to leave Florida, so we will live apart for some months (May thru October) and I'll return to FL in November (if I'm still here). I am SO happy that I will be with my family for the Spring and Summer. That's really what I want most. Hubby? He'll learn to live on his own and hopefully be able to ask questions and get answers to things I haven't thought of to write down. He is welcome to join me in PA if he wants, but all together, this arrangement is probably our best scenario for everyone.

Hey Mel, looks like we are going to get that F2F at some point. Hopefully sometime this Spring.

Jan 14, 2022 10:26PM Katyblu wrote:

Moth, I’m sorry you’re in funky town. But I look at you and see how much you’ve accomplished while going through all this and it inspires me. Screw those “well-meaning, live-your-best-life cancer people”. We ARE living our best lives because we are still kicking.

My mood fluctuates a lot and I’ve been down for a bit. And that’s okay to express here because you all understand. It’s like being in the military to me, all of the services can joke amongst themselves and make fun of each other or what not, but the moment an outsider says something about one of us we present a united front. I’m not sure this translates out of my head so sorry if that didn’t make sense….

Kikomoon - Glad you’re getting a second opinion and happy your heart is looking great! A good cereal kick is a joy.

I think right now being still relatively new to this I cope by pretending it doesn’t exist. I live a relatively normal life so I’m able to ignore it occasionally. But when the fear and sadness rear their ugly heads I’ve been partial to DQ Reese Cup blizzards with extra peanut butter.

Jan 14, 2022 11:48PM illimae wrote:

Booboo, that’s a great deal. While it’s kind of sad that your husband won’t be joining you anytime soon, the situation may end up being less stressful.

On occasion I crave captain crunch with crunch berries but I only buy the single issue bowl, so we don’t have too many sweets in the house.

Got a lot done this week but we’re taking tomorrow off to go have dinner with the friend who is now nearly completely recovered from the West Nile virus. Hopefully monkey cat will come out to play.

Jan 15, 2022 09:09AM candy-678 wrote:

Booboo- I am glad you will be with family in PA, and the rent can't be beat. If you are ok with your DH not going, then more power to ya.

Not much here. Snowing today.