Topic: My Husband, My Life, My Love, My Family, My Cancer

Forum: Stage IV/Metastatic Breast Cancer, Open to All To Contribute — Topics here are started by members with a Stage IV/Metastatic Breast Cancer diagnosis, but open to all members to contribute to discussions. Please note that there is a separate forum, Stage IV/Metastatic Breast Cancer ONLY, where topics are open only to those members.

Posted on: Jul 6, 2017 07:38PM - edited Oct 28, 2019 11:42AM by micmel

Posted on: Jul 6, 2017 07:38PM - edited Oct 28, 2019 11:42AM by micmel

micmel wrote:

As I go through this forced path I have been thrown down, I have come to realize the love I have always had for my husband was strong. He is amazing and I love him with my very soul and entire heart. Never would I ever imagine the thought of dying and him being alone. Then the worst part hit me!! I can't seem to shake the horrible sorrow of thinking of another woman taking my place in his life and his heart, and if I Am honest his bed. He is my best friend and the love of my life, I would never need another for any reason. He makes my life complete, and then this happens. How do I process that I most likely won't be the one growing old on the porch that we have talked about, how do I process, someone else sitting in that chair? I hate this trajectory path I've been spun onto, and everyday I feel grief and deep sorrow. How do I live everyday knowing in the back of my mind, I feel like a place holder, for another woman who will be stepping into my life when I die of this horrible disease, more sooner than later. Why would I even want to take any medicines or treatments, when the answer is pretty obviously in front of my face.? Why do we fight so hard for something we cannot control ? Why do we hurt so badly thinking about letting go, or giving up? It's a four letter word that holds so much power. That word is LOVE..... If you have ever felt this way. Share with me, because I understand, I feel this way everyday. I also don't know what to do with the sadness of loss or how to process the process of dying. However slow or fast it may be. Please share your love stories with me, how did you meet? How long together? I want to know your stories, everyone has their person. Everyone loves.....tell me about your family, your friends, your life too, as if this was your living room. ♥️

We are team FU cancer (Named by Parry, our sweet sister) and this is our Lol pub and living room. Welcome, put your feet up and just be you!

Everyone has to dance, they just don’t know what song they will get. Dx 1/22/2016, IDC, Left, 4cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 2, 13/35 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 2/10/2016 AC Surgery 6/21/2016 Lymph node removal; Lymph node removal (Left): Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy; Mastectomy (Left) Chemotherapy 7/20/2016 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 11/7/2016 Ibrance (palbociclib) Surgery Chemotherapy Chemotherapy Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole)
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Jul 22, 2017 05:38PM micmel wrote:

lol yeah I have tried them and they don't help with emotional turmoil and PTSD. Which is really what I have. I just like to let my emotions out in one place that anyone who reads them may understand. Or even one day may be feeling the way I do. And look here and say yeah she gets it. My clear mind comes and goes, and one thing I realize is that cancer has so many ins and outs that even if a therapist can give you tools to stack in your tool box. if that tool box has come apart the tools just lay all over the place in a mess. That mess has become me. This month has been hard, I was hit with a doosey of a flu bug in my stomach and two weeks before that it was an ugly horrible monster cold sore. Yuck! I have tried antidepressants before and I honestly didn't see any changes. I guess I could ask for another go round. I don't really need anymore pills to take. I take about 13 pills a day. Already. Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts with me. I appreciate the kind words. Hugs to you !~M~

Everyone has to dance, they just don’t know what song they will get. Dx 1/22/2016, IDC, Left, 4cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 2, 13/35 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 2/10/2016 AC Surgery 6/21/2016 Lymph node removal; Lymph node removal (Left): Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy; Mastectomy (Left) Chemotherapy 7/20/2016 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 11/7/2016 Ibrance (palbociclib) Surgery Chemotherapy Chemotherapy Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole)
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Jul 23, 2017 10:24AM Nan812 wrote:

dear micmel,....i tried anti depressants too and they made me so forgetful (forget why you're so sad?) ....worse than these brain tumors do...i felt like one of the walking dead....then once my doc thought i had adult ADD(i complained of being a scatter brain) and he gave me some kind of ritilin and i felt like i had been poisoned and passed out on the couch the rest of the day....i have decided to just feel whatever i am feeling and ride its wave, weather happy or sad or anywhere in between....to me thats better than not to feel anything at all....

claudia,....your jeep, the beach, friends who understand......sounds like paradise.....you are so lucky to live so close to the ocean....are you near the gulf or to the east? i miss having a pool but honestly i dont have it in me anymore to maintain it....you must have lots of help but if i had summers like you do and could use it more than 3 months a year, that may be a different story..i'm sure it makes you feel so good...

big hugs all around!!!

DX 03/13/15;stg4;TN;BRAC1; both breasts,lymph,lungs,bones,adrenal,spleen,brain; 2x8moths chemo,Abraxane /Cytoxan/Adriamycin 2015; gammaknife 5 brain tumors 2015; GK 1 brain 2016; Rad/adrenal 2016; craniotomy2017; GK2017,havalen & lymparza2017
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Jul 23, 2017 02:46PM - edited Jul 23, 2017 03:19PM by micmel

Nan~ I am already in a lot of fog. If it would help me I would try anything. A lot has to do with the heat, it makes me sluggish. I enjoy fall and the cool breeze and the trees. The leaves, The smells, and not sweating every fifteen minutes. I used to love the heat, the beach, the sun, now I can't handle ten minutes. I don't even know if I will ever see the beach again. I just want to go back. To a time to where I wasn't sick. How on earth do I ever process something like that? I try everyday to count my blessings. I honestly do, you guys help tremendously! Hugs to you my friend! ~M~

Claudia~I am in awe of your beach access. If I could walk outside of my house and have a pool it might be a lot easier to keep cool. I miss those days of being cancer care free . I always felt so physically strong always. No matter what I was strong. I want that strength back!! I would love to hop in your jeep and go 🚙 🚙! Hugs ladies

Everyone has to dance, they just don’t know what song they will get. Dx 1/22/2016, IDC, Left, 4cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 2, 13/35 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 2/10/2016 AC Surgery 6/21/2016 Lymph node removal; Lymph node removal (Left): Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy; Mastectomy (Left) Chemotherapy 7/20/2016 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 11/7/2016 Ibrance (palbociclib) Surgery Chemotherapy Chemotherapy Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole)
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Jul 23, 2017 03:51PM Freya wrote:

Hi Ladies, Micmel, glad to hear you are feeling somewhat better after the bug. I don't know what is going on with me, I was awake for all of 3-4 hours yesterday. I am so tired, just cannot stay awake. I hate it, it makes me feel like I am lazy, and that is something I have never been. So frustrating.

My hairdresser and friend called yesterday during one of my awake moments. She is getting divorced and moving into town from their rural property. She has 2 miniature horses, one is 63cm, the other 70cm. They are adorable and behave like the dogs, they come into the house and lay in front of the fire any chance they get.

She asked if I could take them as she needs to rehome them. My first thought was "Oh yes", then reality set in and I realised I would just be making more work for my husband. Still really want them, but I will let my head rule my heart on this one :(

Dx 2009, ILC/IDC, Right, 6cm+, Stage IV, metastasized to bone/liver, Grade 3, 14/22 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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Jul 23, 2017 05:46PM micmel wrote:

Freya~ I would want those little cuties also. Then reality would also kick in and I wouldn't be able to take care of them. I have trouble taking care of my two dogs. I grew up with horses, they can be very expensive to feed and the vet bills only get more expensive the bigger then animal. I hope your friend will find a nice home for the little cuties. I can relate to the fatigue issue. I know that doesn't help my mindset when all I want to do is feel normal again. I slept pretty much all weekend. I am just happy that I am able to just sleep whenever I need to. I can't imagine the weeping I would do if I had to work. I'd probably have a breakdown! Ugh! Hope you feel stronger !!! Hugs ~M~

Everyone has to dance, they just don’t know what song they will get. Dx 1/22/2016, IDC, Left, 4cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 2, 13/35 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 2/10/2016 AC Surgery 6/21/2016 Lymph node removal; Lymph node removal (Left): Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy; Mastectomy (Left) Chemotherapy 7/20/2016 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 11/7/2016 Ibrance (palbociclib) Surgery Chemotherapy Chemotherapy Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole)
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Jul 23, 2017 11:27PM Nan812 wrote:

micmel.....i was going t ask if you write in a journal to get all these thoughts out then i realized that is just what we are doing and this is so much better cuz our journals give us some great understanding feedback.....way better than plain old pen and paper....someone left a link on a study they are doing on why some women with MBC survive for so long (about time) and one woman said "well, i know i have today and most likely tomorrow, the rest i just dont think about" ....thats my motto with out a doubt....i learned very young that no one is promised tomorrow so if you get up and you can still pour and fix your coffee, everything else is just bonus really....dont get me wrong, a lot in this world really sucks but i feel so ashamed of myself when i feel that way and then i meet or speak with some one who's life sucks worse than mine(i just caught them on a good day).....and you know, i dont think it matters a bit if you are in physical or emotional pain...it all hurts just as bad to the person who is hurting.....oh i wish the hurt would stop just for a few days...months...years....decades...take your pick, i will take any or all of it and im pretty sure we could solve world peace...just us gals with mbc saving the world....come on and try bitching to us about those problems...we'll put that into perspective for you real fast lol....shine just a little bit more... big ((hug))

DX 03/13/15;stg4;TN;BRAC1; both breasts,lymph,lungs,bones,adrenal,spleen,brain; 2x8moths chemo,Abraxane /Cytoxan/Adriamycin 2015; gammaknife 5 brain tumors 2015; GK 1 brain 2016; Rad/adrenal 2016; craniotomy2017; GK2017,havalen & lymparza2017
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Jul 24, 2017 01:29PM micmel wrote:

Nan~ It's always so very nice to see your name here. I always enjoy reading your words. I am having a really hard month. I am just so tired and depressed. I have been dealing with this diagnosis for 18 months now and it seems like forever. I have no energy and I am useless for things. Every month I take these meds, I live more and more in a fog. I spend a ton of time crying and when I am done crying, I look over at a large bottle of pain pills that have at least 100 in them and actually ponder swallowing the entire bottle and Checking out of all this mental exhaustion and physical pain. The reality is I haven't even begun to feel the terrible pain and I'm already exhausted. One of my closest friends on this board is suffering. She has two blocked kidneys and she has been so sick for the last month. I am so upset with worry about her, but I am also seeing a mirror. I can't help her and I can't help myself, I realize That will Very well end up being me. I don't really want to suffer no I don't. I hate the word cancer, I hate pain, I hate chemo, I hate pink, the only place I get any relief is to sleep. I love my DH and kids. If it weren't for them. I'd be long gone. I know I can't be the only one who has ever felt that way before. Everyday has become a mental and physical challenge with fatigue being the main problem. Every pain I worry about ohh. Is that cancer ? I am just so sick of feeling badly. That I have forgotten what it's like to feel good anymore. It's a faded memory that I'll never get back. You ladies are fabulous and thank you for all the suggestions and words. You're all very important to me. In so many ways ~M~

Everyone has to dance, they just don’t know what song they will get. Dx 1/22/2016, IDC, Left, 4cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 2, 13/35 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 2/10/2016 AC Surgery 6/21/2016 Lymph node removal; Lymph node removal (Left): Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy; Mastectomy (Left) Chemotherapy 7/20/2016 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 11/7/2016 Ibrance (palbociclib) Surgery Chemotherapy Chemotherapy Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole)
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Jul 24, 2017 04:30PM bigbhome wrote:

Nan812 - I live close to the east coast. I love that I can go to the beach and drive on it. There is no schlepping stuff. That just exhausts me. I honestly don't think I could stand to live any father away than this. Every once in awhile we will take our rv over to a beach campground that has the Atlantic ocean on one side and they intracoastal waterway on the other side. It's great! It's only 45 minutes from our house, but makes a great little getaway. I so love camping with our horses also but not in summer...too hot for them and us!

Micmel - I try everyday to just focus on the good! I think a lot of people have had that thought at one time or another. However, having been raised strict Catholic, not an option. Also, what if I missed something really special like my second grandson , whowas not planned on. I would have never gotten to hold him and laugh with him or watch his face light up when he sees me. Nor would I have been a part of first grandsons life! The little guy who adores his grandfather the way his daddy adored his! We marvel at that all the time!

So many other special things I would have missed! Plus dh and ds would be devastated that I left them before I had to!

There are so many little moments that have brought so much joy I can't imagine having missed any of them!

Dh poured our pool deck today, while I had my scans. 🙌 you are welcome at my house to swim our go to the beach anytime! I will take a picture tomorrow after we get back from mo's office so you can picture being here. Just know it lo refreshing out there but its 95 degrees and 95% humidity. Also, don't pay attention to the ugly barn be hind the pool.

Hugs and prayers

Claudia


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Jul 24, 2017 04:46PM micmel wrote:

Claudia~ I agree and was smiling with every word you have said, I also was raised catholic,completely understand. My moments of weakness are plenty I won't lie. I loved the way you mentioned things I may miss along the way and agree. I don't know. I just don't. Thank you for taking your time to share those needed thoughts with me. I do love them with all that I am. (Family)I just hate seeing so much pain and suffering everywhere I look. I wanted to say that I will be praying and waiting to hear for good news on those scans. I will be praying for you as I do each night for all my sisters here. I am hoping you see nothing but blue skies ahead with those scans!! Please keep me posted! I can't wait to see the picture, I could use some good visuals. My DH keeps telling me I need a change of scenery, I am starting to agree with him. I may enjoy that more. Than I am aware. How I loved the beach.

Nan~ I do look at this as my journal. Like today I was in the pits. And Claudia and you came along here and helped me say, yeah shit yeah! She's right! We all have thoughts and feelings. And by my putting them here, if they can help someone ever at all or even one time, feel better like she and you do for me here, I couldn't ask for more. It helps me to talk to people that understand what something like this is like, I enjoy seeing you both because I feel like this is our little pub! When one is down the others say hey. .... look at it this way. To me that is way healthier than holding it in some books no one may ever read until I am gone. At least this way I can leave my password and log in for my family and they can read here how I felt and the wonderful friends I have made,while going through something so very awful. Hugs sweet ladies. ~M~

Everyone has to dance, they just don’t know what song they will get. Dx 1/22/2016, IDC, Left, 4cm, Stage IV, metastasized to bone, Grade 2, 13/35 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 2/10/2016 AC Surgery 6/21/2016 Lymph node removal; Lymph node removal (Left): Underarm/Axillary; Mastectomy; Mastectomy (Left) Chemotherapy 7/20/2016 Abraxane (albumin-bound or nab-paclitaxel) Targeted Therapy 11/7/2016 Ibrance (palbociclib) Surgery Chemotherapy Chemotherapy Hormonal Therapy Arimidex (anastrozole)
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Jul 25, 2017 02:10AM Nan812 wrote:

mic, i'm not sure if i will leave my info for this site with my family....some things are only for those who understand completely what this whole shit show is all about and i wouldnt want anything to get taken out of context....at times i even watch what i say around here and im sorry for that but its like my first night after getting my first dose of chemo(abraxane) i woke up shaking uncontrollably with the worst headache i have ever had (and i get 3 day migraines) i grabbed my husband, looked him straight in the eye and BEGGED him to shoot me...i never wanted anything more in my life(oh there was lots of sobbing and snot and "you would do this if you loved me") he threw the quilts in a hot dryer then wrapped and held me till i passed out....how can you chime in and say heres my first experience lol..not....it worked for a while (3 months) then they had to switch me....i know my odds right now, i'm triple negative and i feel like i cant even post on some threads because it even scares people here...i also take it hard when someone takes a bad turn but does that mean i should stop posting....i dont want YOU to, but if it will hurt you to much i can...thats the last thing in the world i would ever want to add to and its not like it hasnt happened before....i have a brain mri on friday then maybe its time to take a break from the boards.....love you all , my cyber sisters

DX 03/13/15;stg4;TN;BRAC1; both breasts,lymph,lungs,bones,adrenal,spleen,brain; 2x8moths chemo,Abraxane /Cytoxan/Adriamycin 2015; gammaknife 5 brain tumors 2015; GK 1 brain 2016; Rad/adrenal 2016; craniotomy2017; GK2017,havalen & lymparza2017

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