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Mar 10, 2019 07:02AM
The unfairness and awfulness of getting cancer is beyond dispute. Most women, especially women your age, will never experience any of this. Yet, at random and for NO reason, it happened to you, and to me, and to everyone on this site. A cell mutated and that's that. A freak event.
I think all of us recognize that young women with BC is the cruelest possible blow.
I promise that you are more resilient than you know. You have far more power than you know. You will discover all your hidden strengths... just because you HAVE to. No, this is not fair, but it can yield great wisdom, perspective, an intense ability to live in the moment with JOY, and a deep appreciation for things that most other people take for granted. A fully-aware person can have more joy every single day. That's a hidden gift... but it can take a while to get to it. Your life WILL become more beautiful, rich and vivid. You already have realized a piece of this, by realizing how perfect things were prior to your diagnosis... well, the minute you are through treatment, your life can return to that picture: you, your H and your baby, living well together, relishing those normal days.... and you will be FULLY aware of the beauty of this simple, normal life. Moreso than anyone else your age possibly could be. Your baby will get a mother who has great wisdom and perspective, and thankfulness and zest for life, which will benefit her hugely in the long run.... as hard as that may be to imagine right now.
Whenever I begin to feel extremely sorry for myself, the universe usually sends me a signal to knock that off. Like, I will pass someone in my car who is struggling to cross the street on crutches with lame legs. Or I'll see the woman who lives in my neighborhood with horrible burn scars on her face walking her sweet little dog. Literally every time I start to go south, I get a poke that says: other people have horrors happen to them, too. Nobody is immune to a cruel twist of fate. I am reminded that I am lucky in ways I cannot imagine, just to have a full circle of people that love me and have my back.
Can you bring your baby into your bed when you rest, to snuggle with her? Can you let someone else pick her up but then give her to YOU to feed or rock? Get a boppy to prop her up, if your body is sore? Wear her in a soft frontpack or sling when you take a walk? Put her crib or basinette where you can watch her sleep, play peekaboo, or sing to her when she wakes? I think the more you can cuddle, tickle, kiss, hold, and play with her, the better you will feel. You are RIGHT to be jealous of others getting the time with her that you WANT. So take back whatever you can. Soon, you will be able to reclaim more and more of it.
I can't imagine the particular pain of being young with this disease. But I can tell you how deeply healing it is to fill up your heart with love and connection and being the giver to your little girl. When you provide pleasure and love to your baby, this will help to heal the pain you are feeling.
pCR after neoadjuvant chemo w/ integrative practices; Proton rads.
7/13/2018, IDC, Left, 3cm, Stage IIB, Grade 3, ER-/PR-, HER2- (FISH)
8/12/2018 Carboplatin (Paraplatin), Taxotere (docetaxel)
12/27/2018 Lumpectomy: Left
2/11/2019 Whole-breast: Breast, Lymph nodes