Jan 13, 2020 05:57PM blah333 wrote:
Runor - thank you for your story...I appreciate adding these ideas into the conversation.
BUT - I was already strong before breast cancer. I really didn't need any more strength.. personally I think it is an overrated quality in American culture. I would much rather be weak with a good life than strong with a shitty one or to have extra adversity to become even stronger. Stronger for what? to endure even more bullshit? Wow, we are great at enduring physical strain, surgery, degradation... I don't feel stronger from this really, instead I know how powerless I am. Another round won't make me stronger, it might quite possibly wear me out. At some point, after enough years of struggle (I have made less than $13k for the past 10 years, even less in the past two years) you just can't take any more. I don't have any pride or self satisfaction in being strong or having "balls." To me your buddy's choice seems quite rational (vs. pussy). If I fell off a cliff I wouldn't go around hanging on the edge of cliffs. Just like having breast cancer, I'm not going to keep breast tissue in my body after that (of course some is left behind but you get the idea). Your buddy sold his sled, I cut off both my breasts. We do what we can to avoid repeat trauma...
However I agree, obviously we cannot bail out of it and it does yield a new POV or cast on life, unfortunately for me that is a darker one. I already leaned in that direction "dark" prior to this as well. I didn't really need any more... I used to think that we encounter problems that teach us various lessons, lessons we "need" but now I know that's not true. It's all random, things happen for "no reason" all the time. It annoys me - why couldn't this be more properly doled out to someone who does need more inner strength, and to face the facts of life?
Instead I realize my whole life could just be ripped apart into shreds or ended by some outside force that has nothing to do with my individual choices, and doesn't care if I've realized my potential or have done what I was put on this earth to do. Nature/cancer doesn't care how "special" I am. It could have chosen a more boring, shittier, uglier, stupider person instead, or a woman with much worse looking breasts than mine were, but it didn't. I did not grow up with a religion but I used to feel some abstract layer of protection or care or regard. Now I know it is not there... it really is like a loss of innocence of some kind. I am surprised that was still possible at 35+. Yet am I better off for it? Right now I don't think so. I wish I could go back to being oblivious about these things. I really cannot find anything fruitful in this except for philosophical questions or ponderings like these, or to try to extract whatever insight can be realized only through an experience like this. However I can't fathom anything that will have made it "worth it" worth going through. It's just a possible consolation prize crumb I'm trying to find on the floor.