Posted on: Jul 8, 2008 10:26AM - edited Jun 14, 2016 11:15AM by Moderators
Posts 1 - 30 (447 total)
Jul 11, 2008 05:20PM JerseyGal wrote:
The doctor replies, 'Ma'am, you had twins.... a boy and a girl. The babies are fine, however, they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately so your brother Paddy came in and named them.
The woman thinks to herself, ' Oh suffering Jesus, no, not me brother, he's a fecking clueless idiot...
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor,' Well, what's my daughter's name?'
' Denise' says the doctor. The new mother is somewhat relieved, 'Wow, that's a beautiful name, I guess I was wrong about my brother', she thought....'I really like Denise '
Then she asks, ' What's the boy's name?'
The doctor replies ' Denephew '
Jul 11, 2008 05:27PM JerseyGal wrote:I don't intend to offend anyone of Oriental ancestry. Hope you take this in the way is was intended: a friend sent it to me, and I laughed out loud. It could be any nationality, but somehow Italian pizza or Irish lager just doesn't seem to work. Plus, I am an imbecile in trying to recreate any accent. Sooo...I am just forwarding it as received and hope it will be looked at as an international laugh out loud! Enjoy!
The Chinese Wedding Night
A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that. On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. 'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis your firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. you juss ask... so... whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try someting I have heard about from other gurls... Numbaa 69.'
More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her...
'You want... Garlic Chicken with steam vegtable?'
Jul 11, 2008 10:20PM Jaybird627 wrote:
But, not to ruin a good joke, wouldn't they be speaking in their native language and not English???
Hey, I'm a dumb blonde and even I sometimes laugh at dumb blonde jokes!
Jul 17, 2008 03:59PM NaughtybyNature wrote:
To all you Sweet Taters
Click on the tater:
Jul 17, 2008 04:03PM lvtwoqlt wrote:
Bubba Had Shingles
Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate
this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their
practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Bubba:
Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him
what he had. Bubba said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name,
address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he
Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a
complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba
said, 'Shingles.' So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood
pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all
his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in
the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.' The
doctor asked, 'Where?'
Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload
Jul 21, 2008 03:20PM NaughtybyNature wrote:
I urgently needed a few days off work, But, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the name of God are you doing?'
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, 'You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'
I jumped down and walked out of the office...
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss called out, '..And where do you think you're going?!'
(You're gonna love this....)
She said, 'I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark.
Jul 21, 2008 07:12PM JerseyGal wrote:The Old Sailor
An old sailor in a brothel is trying to make love to one of the girls 'How am I doing' he asks. 'Three knots' replied the girl. 'What do you mean, three knots?' says the sailor. The girl responds 'You're not hard, you're not in and you're not getting your money back!'
Two doctors are having sex. He says to her 'You must be a surgeon, you washed your hands before and after.' She replies 'Well, you must be an anaesthetist, 'cause I didn't feel a thing!'
Jul 21, 2008 07:26PM sam408 wrote:
A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy called upon walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled the teacher asked him just what it was. "It's a period," said the little boy. "Well, I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period?" "Darned if I know," said the little boy, "But this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself.
Jul 22, 2008 09:03AM - edited Jul 22, 2008 09:04AM by sam408
This is a hoot, but I suspect the minister didn't appreciate it.
A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, 'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'
With even greater emphasis he said, 'And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, 'And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'
Sermon complete, he sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, 'For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River.'
Jul 24, 2008 02:10PM NaughtybyNature wrote:
Note found on the refrigerator one morning:
My Dear Honey, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset I shall be home before midnight.'
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
Jul 28, 2008 04:40PM JerseyGal wrote:
The following were asked of 16 year olds. It is probably a very good thing they are not able to vote in our next elections!!
Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists
Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed
Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs
Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death
Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow
Q. How are the main parts of the body categorised (eg the abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O and U
Q. What is the fibula
A. A small lie
Q. What does 'varicose' mean
Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium
Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome
Q. What is a seizure
A. A Roman Emperor
Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport
Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight
Q. What is a turbine
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head
Jul 28, 2008 04:49PM JerseyGal wrote:MEDICAL CONDITION
Jul 28, 2008 04:57PM JerseyGal wrote:Three Brazilian Soldiers
Secretary of Defense Robert Gates briefed the President this morning. He told Bush that 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq. To everyone's amazement, all of the color ran from Bush's face. Finally, he composed himself and asked Gates, "Just exactly how many is a brazillion?"
Jul 28, 2008 06:37PM snowyday wrote:
This really happened to me years ago; What a pick up line.
This guy comes up to me and says what screws like a tiger and WINKS!
I looked at him frowned and said I don't have a clue.
Then he WINKED!
It didn't work but the beer sure flew out of my nose laughing.
Jul 30, 2008 07:02PM Sassa wrote:POWER OUTAGE DURING A MAMMOGRAM
Jul 31, 2008 10:15AM NaughtybyNature wrote:George Carlin on aging!
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER :
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
And if you don't send this to at least 8 people - who cares?But do share this with someone. We all need to live life to its fullest each day!!
Jul 31, 2008 10:16AM NaughtybyNature wrote:
Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives.
When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day Barb said, "Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played in all through High School.
Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there."
Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed, "Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you."
Shortly after that, Rose passed on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, "Barb, Barb."
"Who is it?" asked Barb, sitting up suddenly.. "Who is it?"
"Barb -- it's me, Rose."
"You're not Rose. Rose just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Rose," insisted the voice.
"Rose! Where are you?"
"In Heaven," replied Rose. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," said Barb.
"The good news," Rose said, "is that there's Softball in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired."
"That's fantastic," said Barb.. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"
"You're pitching on Tuesday."
Aug 5, 2008 03:39PM lvtwoqlt wrote:
GOTTA LOVE OLD PEOPLE!
Four old mischievous Grandmas were sitting at a table in a nursing home.
About then an old Grandpa walked in.
One of the old Grandma's yelled out saying, "We bet we can tell exactly how old you are."
The old man said, "There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools."
One of the old Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants & undershorts & we can tell your exact age.'
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.
The Grandmas first asked him to first turn around a couple of times & to jump up & down several times. then they all piped up & said together 'You're 87 years old!'
Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, 'How in the world did you guess?'
Slapping their knees & grinning from ear to ear, all 4 old ladies happily yelled in unison -- 'We were at your birthday party yesterday!'
Aug 6, 2008 09:33AM NaughtybyNature wrote:
This morning on the Interstate,
I looked over to my left and there was a Woman
In a brand new Cadillac Doing 65 mphWith her
Face up next to herRear view mirror
Putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away
For a couple seconds !
And when I looked back she was
Halfway over in my lane,
Still working on that makeup.
As a man,
I don't scare easily.
But she scared me so much; I dropped
My electric shaver ,Which knocked
The donut Out of my other hand.
In all The confusion of trying
To straighten out the car
Using my knees against
The steering wheel,
My cell phone
Away from my ear
Into the coffee
Between my legs,
Big Jim and the Twins,
Ruined the darn phone,
Soaked my trousers,
And disconnected an
Stupid women drivers !!
Aug 12, 2008 07:15PM JerseyGal wrote:A Russian woman married an Australian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Sydney.
Aug 13, 2008 01:49PM NaughtybyNature wrote:We are going to need glasses after this.............
The Eye Test
Can you find the B
(there are 2 B's) DON'T skip or your wish won't come True....
Once you've found the B
Find the 1
Once you found the 1..............
Find the 6
Once you've found the 6...
Find the N (it's hard!!)
Once you've found the N...
Find the Q...
Aug 14, 2008 01:43PM NaughtybyNature wrote:
1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.
2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol
3. I live in my own little world but it's OK, everyone knows me here.
4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on
it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'
5. I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by
standing up really fast.
6. A sign In a Chinese Pet Store: 'Buy one dog, get one flea.'
7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a
8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?
9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get
10. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no
11. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you
tomatoes, make Bloody Mary's.
12. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
13. I am a nobody; nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.
14. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive
days I've stayed alive.
15. No one ever says, 'It's only a game!' when their team is winning.
16. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and
lottery tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not
17. How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door
18. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a
peeing section in a swimming pool?
19. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
20. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:
Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been.
Aug 15, 2008 09:34AM NaughtybyNature wrote:Attitude
A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there' and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man and then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read:
'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants'. After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.
'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen, Miami and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back.'
Aug 15, 2008 07:02PM elliem1207 wrote:
For several years, a married man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey,' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.' 'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain later,' he said. The wife watched as her husband read the card, turned white and fainted
On the card was written:
"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs , two without.
'SEND EXTRA SAUCE'
Aug 18, 2008 08:41AM lvtwoqlt wrote:
BEST DIVORCE LETTER YET!
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, hac cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes & went straight to sleep after watching your soaps. You don't tell me you love me any more; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife.
Either you'r cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone. Your EX-HUSBAND.
PS. don't try to find me your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great Life.
Nothing has made my day mre than receiving your letter. It't true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping. too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' and since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.
When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with my SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 yrs ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still attached & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this I sill loved you & felt we could work it out.
So when I hit the Lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job and bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica, but when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
Your EX-Wife, Rich and Free!
PS. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my SISTER Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem
Aug 19, 2008 09:48AM NaughtybyNature wrote:
Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Skeeter our new hunting dog at WAL-MART and was standing in line about to check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. First thing I thought was 'where is your idiot sign lady' but I decided to go with it...SO...on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Weight Loss Diet again.
I said I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works is, you load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, to say the least.
Totally horrified, the lady asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no; I had stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard!
WAL-MART asked me not to shop there anymore!!
Aug 21, 2008 04:41PM lvtwoqlt wrote:
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
'Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.'
Watson replied, 'I see millions and millions of stars.'
What does that tell you?' Holmes said. Watson pondered for a minute.
'Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that the Lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Merterologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?'
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. 'Watson, you idiot. Some a**hole has stolen our tent!'