Topic: Smiles, Chuckles, and Quick Laughs

Forum: Humor and Games — Breast cancer is no laughing matter, but sometimes a good joke or a game is the best medicine.

Posted on: Jul 8, 2008 07:26AM - edited Jun 14, 2016 08:15AM by moderators

Posted on: Jul 8, 2008 07:26AM - edited Jun 14, 2016 08:15AM by moderators

moderators wrote:

Hey All,

So you don't need to scroll through all the posts for a good, quick laugh, let's give this a try.

Enjoy!


To send a PM to the Mods: community.breastcancer.org/my/...
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Jul 21, 2008 04:26PM sam408 wrote:

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy called upon walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled the teacher asked him just what it was. "It's a period," said the little boy. "Well, I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period?" "Darned if I know," said the little boy, "But this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself.

Sheila . . .Never regret something that made you smile. Dx 2/16/2007, DCIS, <1cm, Stage 0, Grade 3, 0/4 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2+
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Jul 22, 2008 06:03AM - edited Jul 22, 2008 06:04AM by sam408

Hymn 365

This is a hoot, but I suspect the minister didn't appreciate it.

A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, 'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

With even greater emphasis he said, 'And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, 'And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'


Sermon complete, he sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, 'For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River.'

Sheila . . .Never regret something that made you smile. Dx 2/16/2007, DCIS, <1cm, Stage 0, Grade 3, 0/4 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2+
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Jul 24, 2008 11:10AM NaughtybyNature wrote:

Note found on the refrigerator one morning:

My Dear Honey, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset I shall be home before midnight.'

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

LILIAlicious - "Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning the Devil says: 'Oh crap! She's up!'" - Dx 9/5/2003, IDC, 2.9 cm, Stage II, Grade 2, 0/10 nodes, ER-/PR-, HER2- * Dx 7/10 w/ATDH w/B9 needle localization biopsy
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Jul 28, 2008 01:40PM JerseyGal wrote:

The following were asked of 16 year olds. It is probably a very good thing they are not able to vote in our next elections!!

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs

Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow

Q. How are the main parts of the body categorised (eg the abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O and U

Q. What is the fibula
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure
A. A Roman Emperor

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Q. What is a turbine
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head


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Jul 28, 2008 01:49PM JerseyGal wrote:

MEDICAL CONDITION

*A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class
section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently
wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading.*
*
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped
her nose, then shuddered violently*
*once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was
still curious about the shuddering. *
*A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As
before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even
more than before.*

*Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman, 'I
couldn't help but notice' he said, ' that you've sneezed three
times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?'** **
*
*'I am sorry if I disturbed you,' she replied. 'I have a very rare
medical condition; whenever I sneeze, I have*
*an orgasm.'** **
*
*The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. 'I have
never heard of that condition before' he said. 'Are you taking
anything for it?'*
*
The woman nodded, 'Black Pepper.'*
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Jul 28, 2008 01:57PM JerseyGal wrote:

Three Brazilian Soldiers

Secretary of Defense Robert Gates briefed the President this morning. He told Bush that 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq. To everyone's amazement, all of the color ran from Bush's face. Finally, he composed himself and asked Gates, "Just exactly how many is a brazillion?"

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Jul 28, 2008 03:37PM snowyday wrote:

This really happened to me years ago;  What a pick up line.

This guy comes up to me and says what screws like a tiger and WINKS!

I looked at him frowned and said I don't have a clue.

Then he WINKED!

It didn't work but the beer sure flew out of my nose laughing.

PN Dx 5/24/2007, ILC, 5cm, Stage IV, Grade 3, 0/2 nodes, ER-/PR-, HER2+
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Jul 30, 2008 04:02PM sassa wrote:

POWER OUTAGE DURING A MAMMOGRAM

I actually kept my mammogram appointment. I was met with, 'Hi! I'm Belinda!' This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, 'All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?'

I'm thinking, 'Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science.'

Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.

With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, 'Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?'

'Fine', I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off?

My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when we heard, then felt a zap! Complete darkness and the power went off!

'Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag.' Belinda headed for the door.

'Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?' I shouted.

Belinda kept going and said, 'Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back.'

Before I could shout 'NOOOO!' she disappeared.

And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me, half-naked and part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life, and the other part smashed between glass!

After exchanging polite 'Hi, how's it going' type greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.

Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible 'Uh, yes, yes I did thanks.'

'You bet, take care' Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, 'Oh I am sooo sorry!' The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?'

And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps....
Dx 11/6/2006, IDC, 1cm, Stage IA, Grade 3, 0/9 nodes, ER-/PR-, HER2+
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Jul 31, 2008 07:15AM NaughtybyNature wrote:

George Carlin on aging!
(Absolutely Brilliant)

George Carlin's Views on Aging

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

'How old are you?' 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

'How old are you?' 'I'm gonna be 16!' You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life
! You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony. YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.

But! wait!! !
You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30,  PUSH 40, REACH 50 and make it to 60 .

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into ! your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; 'I Was JUST 92.'

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. 'I'm 100 and a half!'
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

HOW TO STAY YOUNG

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay 'them.'

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3.Keep learning. ! Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever, even ham radio. Never let the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's family name is   Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7.
Surround yourself with what you love , whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.   Your home is your refuge.

8.
Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9.
Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10.
Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.   


AND ALWAYS REMEMBER :
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take,
but by the moments that take our breath away.  


And if you don't send this to at least 8 people - who cares?But do share this with someone. We all need to live life to its fullest each day!!  

LILIAlicious - "Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning the Devil says: 'Oh crap! She's up!'" - Dx 9/5/2003, IDC, 2.9 cm, Stage II, Grade 2, 0/10 nodes, ER-/PR-, HER2- * Dx 7/10 w/ATDH w/B9 needle localization biopsy
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Jul 31, 2008 07:16AM NaughtybyNature wrote:

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives.

When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day Barb said, "Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played in all through High School.

Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there."
Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed, "Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you."

Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, "Barb, Barb."

"Who is it?" asked Barb, sitting up suddenly.. "Who is it?"

"Barb -- it's me, Rose."

"You're not Rose. Rose just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Rose," insisted the voice.


"Rose! Where are you?"


"In Heaven," replied Rose. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," said Barb.

"The good news," Rose said, "is that there's Softball in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired."

"That's fantastic," said Barb.. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"


"You're pitching on Tuesday."
   

LILIAlicious - "Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning the Devil says: 'Oh crap! She's up!'" - Dx 9/5/2003, IDC, 2.9 cm, Stage II, Grade 2, 0/10 nodes, ER-/PR-, HER2- * Dx 7/10 w/ATDH w/B9 needle localization biopsy

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