Topic: Smiles, Chuckles, and Quick Laughs

Forum: Humor and Games — Breast cancer is no laughing matter, but sometimes a good joke or a game is the best medicine.

Posted on: Jul 8, 2008 10:26AM - edited Jun 14, 2016 11:15AM by moderators

Posted on: Jul 8, 2008 10:26AM - edited Jun 14, 2016 11:15AM by moderators

moderators wrote:

Hey All,

So you don't need to scroll through all the posts for a good, quick laugh, let's give this a try.

Enjoy!


To send a PM to the Mods: community.breastcancer.org/my/...
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Page 3 of 45 (450 results)

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Aug 5, 2008 03:39PM lvtwoqlt wrote:

GOTTA LOVE OLD PEOPLE!

Four old mischievous Grandmas were sitting at a table in a nursing home.

About then an old Grandpa walked in.

One of the old Grandma's yelled out saying, "We bet we can tell exactly how old you are."

The old man said, "There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools."

One of the old Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants & undershorts & we can tell your exact age.'

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.

The Grandmas first asked him to first turn around a couple of times & to jump up & down several times. then they all piped up & said together 'You're 87 years old!'

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, 'How in the world did you guess?'

Slapping their knees & grinning from ear to ear, all 4 old ladies happily yelled in unison -- 'We were at your birthday party yesterday!'

Women are like tea bags, we don't know how strong we are until we were thrown into hot water. Eleanore Roosevelt Diagnosed ADH Feb 2005, ADH Sept 2006 Surgery 2/12/2005 Lumpectomy: Left Surgery 9/10/2006 Lumpectomy: Right Hormonal Therapy 10/12/2006 Dx 4/27/2007, DCIS, Stage 0, Grade 1, 0/7 nodes Surgery 6/1/2007 Mastectomy: Left, Right
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Aug 6, 2008 09:33AM NaughtybyNature wrote:

This morning on the Interstate,
I looked over to my left and there was a Woman
In a brand new Cadillac  Doing 65 mphWith her
Face up next to herRear view mirror

Putting on her eyeliner.


I looked away
For a couple seconds !
And when I looked back she was

Halfway over in my lane,

Still working on that makeup.


As a man,

I don't scare easily.

But she scared me so much;
 I dropped
My electric shaver
,Which knocked
The donut Out of my other hand.

In all The confusion of trying

To straighten out the car
Using my knees against

The steering wheel,


It knocked

My cell
phone
Away from my ear

Which fell

Into the coffee

Between my legs,
Splashed,
And burned

Big Jim and the Twins,

Ruined the darn phone,

Soaked my trousers,

And disconnected an
Important call.


Stupid women drivers !!

LILIAlicious - "Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning the Devil says: 'Oh crap! She's up!'" - Dx 9/5/2003, IDC, 2.9 cm, Stage II, Grade 2, 0/10 nodes, ER-/PR-, HER2- * Dx 7/10 w/ATDH w/B9 needle localization biopsy
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Aug 12, 2008 07:15PM JerseyGal wrote:

A Russian woman married an Australian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Sydney.

However, the poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband.
The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts! The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...


(Please scroll down)
.


.

.

.

.

.

What were you thinking? Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!
I don't know about you sometimes!

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Aug 13, 2008 01:49PM NaughtybyNature wrote:

We are going to need glasses after this.............


 


-----
The Eye Test
Can you find
the B
(there are 2 B's) DON'T skip or your wish won't come True....


 





RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRBRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRBRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Once you've found the B

Find the 1

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII1III
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

Once you found the 1..............


Find the 6


9999999999999999999999999999999 999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999699999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999


Once you've found the 6...


Find the N (it's hard!!)

MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMNMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM

Once you've found the N...


Find the Q...

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOQOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

LILIAlicious - "Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning the Devil says: 'Oh crap! She's up!'" - Dx 9/5/2003, IDC, 2.9 cm, Stage II, Grade 2, 0/10 nodes, ER-/PR-, HER2- * Dx 7/10 w/ATDH w/B9 needle localization biopsy
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Aug 14, 2008 01:43PM NaughtybyNature wrote:

Life's Rules


 1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.


 2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol
content..


 3. I live in my own little world but it's OK, everyone knows me here.


 4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on
it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'


5. I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by
standing up really fast.


6. A sign In a Chinese Pet Store: 'Buy one dog, get one flea.'


7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a
moaner.


8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?


9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get
elected.

10. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no
trade-in value.


11. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you
tomatoes, make Bloody Mary's.


12. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.


13. I am a nobody; nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.


14. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive
days I've stayed alive.


15. No one ever says, 'It's only a game!' when their team is winning.


16. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and
lottery tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not
feeling well?


17. How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door
you're on.


18. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a
peeing section in a swimming pool?


19. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.


20. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:
Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been.

LILIAlicious - "Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning the Devil says: 'Oh crap! She's up!'" - Dx 9/5/2003, IDC, 2.9 cm, Stage II, Grade 2, 0/10 nodes, ER-/PR-, HER2- * Dx 7/10 w/ATDH w/B9 needle localization biopsy
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Aug 15, 2008 09:34AM NaughtybyNature wrote:

Attitude


A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there' and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man and then decided to send a reply to him by a note.  The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read:

'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants'.  After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return.  He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read:

'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen, Miami and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana.  There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio.  But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches.  Just send the bottle back.'

LILIAlicious - "Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning the Devil says: 'Oh crap! She's up!'" - Dx 9/5/2003, IDC, 2.9 cm, Stage II, Grade 2, 0/10 nodes, ER-/PR-, HER2- * Dx 7/10 w/ATDH w/B9 needle localization biopsy
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Aug 15, 2008 07:02PM elliem1207 wrote:

'Spaghetti'

For several years, a married man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would  go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey,' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.' 'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain later,' he said. The wife watched as her husband read the card, turned white and fainted

On the card was written:

"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs , two without.

'SEND EXTRA SAUCE'

~~ Always keep people in your life that charge your battery, not those who drain it. ~~ Dx 11/2007, Stage IV, ER+/PR-, HER2-
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Aug 18, 2008 08:41AM lvtwoqlt wrote:

BEST DIVORCE LETTER YET!

Dear Wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, hac cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes & went straight to sleep after watching your soaps. You don't tell me you love me any more; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife.

Either you'r cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone. Your EX-HUSBAND.

PS. don't try to find me your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great Life.

-----------------------------

Dear Ex-Husband;

Nothing has made my day mre than receiving your letter. It't true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping. too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' and since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.

When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with my SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 yrs ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still attached & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this I sill loved you & felt we could work it out.

So when I hit the Lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job and bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica, but when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Your EX-Wife, Rich and Free!

PS. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my SISTER Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem

Women are like tea bags, we don't know how strong we are until we were thrown into hot water. Eleanore Roosevelt Diagnosed ADH Feb 2005, ADH Sept 2006 Surgery 2/12/2005 Lumpectomy: Left Surgery 9/10/2006 Lumpectomy: Right Hormonal Therapy 10/12/2006 Dx 4/27/2007, DCIS, Stage 0, Grade 1, 0/7 nodes Surgery 6/1/2007 Mastectomy: Left, Right
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Aug 19, 2008 09:48AM NaughtybyNature wrote:

Dog Story
 
Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Skeeter our new hunting dog at WAL-MART and was standing in line about to check out.
 
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. First thing I thought was 'where is your idiot sign lady' but I decided to go with it...SO...on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Weight Loss Diet again.
 
I said I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
 
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works is, you load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, so I was going to try it again.
 
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, to say the least.
 
Totally horrified, the lady asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
 
I told her no; I had stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.
 
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard! 

WAL-MART asked me not to shop there anymore!!

LILIAlicious - "Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning the Devil says: 'Oh crap! She's up!'" - Dx 9/5/2003, IDC, 2.9 cm, Stage II, Grade 2, 0/10 nodes, ER-/PR-, HER2- * Dx 7/10 w/ATDH w/B9 needle localization biopsy
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Aug 21, 2008 04:41PM lvtwoqlt wrote:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

'Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.'

Watson replied, 'I see millions and millions of stars.'

What does that tell you?' Holmes said. Watson pondered for a minute.

'Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that the Lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Merterologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?'

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. 'Watson, you idiot. Some a**hole has stolen our tent!'

Women are like tea bags, we don't know how strong we are until we were thrown into hot water. Eleanore Roosevelt Diagnosed ADH Feb 2005, ADH Sept 2006 Surgery 2/12/2005 Lumpectomy: Left Surgery 9/10/2006 Lumpectomy: Right Hormonal Therapy 10/12/2006 Dx 4/27/2007, DCIS, Stage 0, Grade 1, 0/7 nodes Surgery 6/1/2007 Mastectomy: Left, Right

Page 3 of 45 (450 results)

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