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Topic: Spiritual dilemma; seeking advice

Forum: Prayers and Spiritual Support —

A safe place to find comfort in and share words of prayer, healing, and encouragement.

Posted on: Nov 5, 2010 04:24PM - edited Aug 20, 2013 06:06AM by eileen1955

eileen1955 wrote:

My husband and I are both Catholic and raised our two girls Roman CAtholic. Our older daughter married a Jewish guy and she officially converted to Judaism.  When they married they said their vows in Hebrew. I was comforted by the fact that they had a religious ceremony; even tho I felt "pushed out" by not understanding what they were saying.   

This year my delightful grandson was born; about 16 months after the wedding.   I was expecting the baby to be brissed and so were the other grandparents.           My daughter tells us that their current religion is Universal Unitarian.         I asked if it was Christian; and it's not.  Fine; baby won't be baptized but I'm blessed with a healthy,happy grandson.    

So now "the holiday season" approaches.  I am told that my grandson will be brought up with both Christmas and Chanukah.  Christmas will be in the secular sense; santa and elves etc.  Okay.    My daughter tells me that she believes (and will teach her son) that Jesus was a prophet and not divine. 

I mention this "prophet interpretation" to my priest cousin.  He became angry, saying "That would make Jesus a liar b/c He said He was the Son of God"       AS you might guess, I come from a very religious family.   

Many of my cousins were "upset" that my daughter rejected our religion but sent wedding and baby gifts.  There will be no "cut-offs".     BTW my daughter is 25.

Stay with me here, please.    Cousin priest always says Christmas Eve Mass for us.  It's an extended family gathering of lite dinner and Mass.     3 hrs tops.   In one cousin's home. It is a special nite that we all look forward too. We are blessed and our other daughter attends and usually does a reading.

My 25 yr old daughter wants to attend this event this year; "I want everyone to see the baby" since they live out of state.       Maybe I'm just grumpy b/c I am 3 wks post-op bilateral mastectomy (preventatve; cancer is in my past hopefully)       I don't want to say something I regret.     But I don't expect the hostess of the Christmas Eve supper/mass to incude my daughter in the invite.      Why sit  thru a Mass about the birth of Christ when you have made it clear that you don't believe in it.     I feel it trivializes the holiness of that one special nite.  My SIL is always welcome at his family's religious events but he was borne into being a Jew. It's a birthrite.            If my daughter and her son were any denomination of Christian, this would not be an issue.   And we have had many Jewish "dates" attend the Nativity Mass.  Sometimes they even read the Old Testament readings, if they wish. We are inclusive.           But this issue is really bothering me.   My husband feels it's b/c I feel lousey.   I feel my daughter wants to "have it both ways."  

      Maybe I should see it as an opportunity to "keep the door open".      As for my cousin the hostess, she has every right to make final decision.  But I hate to throw this at her.     I don't want my daughter calling her out of the blue.       My daughter makes herself out to be the vicitm in situations like this.         she has Borderline Personality disorder which explains much of her "chamelon" behavior re religion. Maybe I need to just accept that she is mentally ill. 

Any suggestions?  I know as Christians we forgive.     Maybe that's what I need to accept. Thanks so much for just reading this and maybe offering a prayer!         

Dx 10/28/2003, IDC, <1cm, Stage IA, Grade 3, 0/3 nodes, ER-/PR-, HER2-
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Nov 5, 2010 09:51PM lovemyfamilysomuch wrote:

Hi eileen!  Sounds like you have been through the wringer.  I say let her come and welcome her with open arms as our dear Lord would want us to do.  Don't mean to come off as pompus--just my opinion.  xo
Dx 10/14/2008, IDC, 1cm, Stage IIA, Grade 2, 2/7 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
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Nov 5, 2010 10:08PM mrsnjband wrote:

Hi Eileen, 

It sounds like you have been through a lot as a family & I  can see why you are having a hard time understanding this situation with your daughter. I just have a couple of suggestions.  Just remember Jesus was Jewish. (that can have different belief's today)  But do as Jesus would do & try to love and acept them as they are.  Pray for them and let God do the rest. So I hope & pray that you can enjoy your time with your family. NJ 

Norma June, Bi-lateral MX 2008, Bi-lateral DIEP 2011 Dx 1/10/2008, IBC, <1cm, Stage IIIB, ER-/PR-, HER2- Chemotherapy 1/24/2008 AC Chemotherapy 3/9/2008 Taxol (paclitaxel) Chemotherapy 5/28/2008 Taxotere (docetaxel) Surgery 7/9/2008 Lymph node removal: Right; Mastectomy: Right; Prophylactic mastectomy: Left Radiation Therapy 8/10/2008 Surgery 8/14/2011 Reconstruction (right): DIEP flap Surgery 8/14/2011 Reconstruction (left): DIEP flap Surgery 12/11/2011 Reconstruction (left)
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Nov 5, 2010 10:27PM Sherryc wrote:


I say let her come and love her as Jesus does.  You never know what seeds may be thrown her way.  It is tough with everything you have been through and I have a brother who is mentally ill and at times very difficult to deal with.  So I know how frustrating that can be.  I like what Norma June said.  Pray for them and let God do the rest.  I'll be praying for your situation.

Sherry--lump left breast 9/30/10. No chemo, Zometa-6tx over 3 years.Oncotype score 23 with 14% recurrence rate. 34 rads. No family history, BRCA neg. 48 years old @ diagn. BMX/TE 3/26/2012, Exchange surgery 8/21/12, Revision surgery 11/27/12 Surgery 5/11/1997 Lumpectomy: Left Dx 9/27/2010, IDC, Left, 1cm, Stage IB, Grade 1, 0/3 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2- (FISH) Surgery 9/29/2010 Lumpectomy: Left; Lymph node removal: Left, Sentinel Radiation Therapy 12/2/2010 Hormonal Therapy 2/6/2011 Surgery 11/2/2011 Lumpectomy: Right Surgery 3/25/2012 Mastectomy: Left, Right; Reconstruction (left): Tissue expander placement; Reconstruction (right): Tissue expander placement Surgery 8/20/2012 Reconstruction (left); Reconstruction (right) Surgery 11/26/2012 Reconstruction (left); Reconstruction (right)
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Nov 5, 2010 11:14PM - edited Aug 20, 2013 06:06AM by Claire_in_Seattle

I get the problem.  I think your daughter is seeing this as a social occasion to show off her offspring and you see this as the holiest of eveinings.  I would be uncomfortable too.

Having said this, I don't think this is worth making a fuss over.  You can say something like "of course, I am particularly looking forward to Cousin Priest saying mass" and stress the sanctity of the occasion.  If she and family aren't invited, then it's your cousin's choice anyway. 

I am assuming by saying this that someone is planning a dinner for Christmas Day too.

You don't need this high drama.  BTW - becoming Unitarians is a solution that mixed couples do quite frequently to keep peace in the house.  So they are making a statement of their own which does not involve taking sides in terms of choice.

But you focus on taking care of yourself.  Enjoy the holiday and all its blessings.  You will get a chance later to introduce your grandson to the magic Christmas brings to you as a Christian.  As for the victim stuff your daughter pulls, you can choose or not choose to play.

Merry Christmas in advance!!!  I am so thrilled that I can really enjoy the holidays this year.  I was thrilled to get an invite last year, and thrilled to be able to depart early.  I contributed puddings which was more than enough effort. - Claire

Completed all treatment (AC +T, lumpectomy, radiation and 5 years of AIs - anastrazole). Now celebrating every single day for the wonderful life I have been granted. Dx 8/2009, IDC, Left, 2cm, Stage IIB, Grade 3, 1/21 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2- (FISH)
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Nov 5, 2010 11:31PM Laurie08 wrote:

This is a lot to handle- my advice?  Smile and nod.  Don't speak your mind about religion, it's so personal and fueled for disagreement.  Just be glad she is with you and so is your grandchild.  Things may change in the future.  When I struggle through something I smile and nod, more often than not  I am grateful I did.

Bilateral Mastectomy on 6/30/10 Exchange surgery 1/10/11 Dx 4/22/2010, DCIS, 1cm, Stage 0, Grade 2, 0/3 nodes, ER+/PR+
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Nov 6, 2010 04:19PM karen4u wrote:


I agree with your husband.  You are probably not feeling well and since this is your daughter, you are very self concious of perhaps there being a problem at this family gathering due to her religous choice.  If Jewish dates were welcomed in the past then she should be also.  I understand that calling Jesus a prophet is in fact calling him a liar BUT aren't the Jewish doing the same in essence.....they do not believe he is the Messiah so that would in fact be calling him a liar also (unless these were Messianic Jews).  I don't mean to be splitting hairs, just giving you something to think about.  We, myself included, can all be self righteous at times but as others have said this is the perfect opportunity for you and your extended family to show Jesus' love toward her.  I will pray for you and pray that the Lord will give you peace in this matter.  What I would advise you....."The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much."  James 5:16   


For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. 2 Tim 1:7 12/2007 Stage IV: Mets to Liver Dx 6/2004, IDC, 5cm, Stage IIB, Grade 3, 1/9 nodes, mets, ER+/PR+, HER2+
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Nov 7, 2010 09:27PM eileen1955 wrote:

I cannot thank you all enough for taking the time to give me feedback on this issue.  I cannot tell you how much better I feel on this issue. Maybe it was a little too much to hand 3 wks post-mastectomy.       

I  will take you advice very seriously as I deal with this issue.   Hope I did not sound self-righteous b/c that's not me.  Just confused and hurt.   And I am very ecumenical tho it may not sound like that.  I just cannot believe that my daughter rejected our faith; but that is her illness.   I totally respect the Jewish faith. Jesus never renounced his Judaism.    

I will speak to my cousin, the hostess, this week and get back to you. You were so kind to read my post and respond when you have so much going on in your lives!!     Thank you all from the bottom of my heart. and for those who read and did not respond; thank you for your prayers. 

Dx 10/28/2003, IDC, <1cm, Stage IA, Grade 3, 0/3 nodes, ER-/PR-, HER2-
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Nov 7, 2010 09:37PM eileen1955 wrote:

BTW I am hosting Christmas dinner at my house the following day. There is no issue there; EVERYONE is welcome and I look forward to showing off my new grandson. But that is a different crowd from the Nativity Mass on Christmas eve.    Just a family tradition of who goes where for holidays; you all understand.                thanks again, ladies!

Dx 10/28/2003, IDC, <1cm, Stage IA, Grade 3, 0/3 nodes, ER-/PR-, HER2-
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Nov 9, 2010 02:41PM - edited Aug 20, 2013 06:08AM by eileen1955

update; I asked my cousin/hostess of the event about the situation.     "No problem, we can't sweat the small things" was her reply.          So I ought to have listneed to my husband- some times he is 100% correct in analyzing me.    I obsessed over this Christmas Eve invite for a month; probably b/c I was anxious about pain control with the 10-12-10 bilateral mastectomy.I was very impatient with not getting well sooner.    Pretty soon I'll be wishing for a day to focus on resting!  

My daughter has emotional problems; usually I handle them better.    I started to get furious yesterday b/c she is sending out "holiday wish lists" of essential items for herself and baby. Like disposable diapers.               But that is her issue; and not mine.  It is important (tho difficult during times of stress) to set boundaries with a person like my daughter.     If she and her husband are not ashamed to ask for diapers, then that is not my issue.    Once again, thank you all for nudging me to the solution. 

Dx 10/28/2003, IDC, <1cm, Stage IA, Grade 3, 0/3 nodes, ER-/PR-, HER2-
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Dec 3, 2010 04:25AM - edited Aug 20, 2013 06:19AM by sas-schatzi

If your daughter is asking for diapers that means money is really tight. The days of using regular diapers and their management have been forgotten. If they need diapers make it a priority, thay have. Think about how that must make them feel? I would suggest humbling. Have a bleesed holiday!

Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out shouting "holy crap....what a ride".

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