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Oct 10, 2011 08:41PM
Oct 10, 2011 08:43PM
Hello all. I figured I should make an appearance in this thread at some point. As much as I would've liked it not to be, the holidays were rather tough for me this year. Right before the yizkor service, the rabbi asked that everyone who had major health issues and was hospitalized this past year to stand and be honored with a special prayer for their healing. I'm still choking up with tears as I type this, it affected me so hard. I know the option to not stand and be publicly acknowledged was always there, so it wasn't just about being singled out so that people would know I had been ill. I think it was an acknowledgement to myself, finally admitting to myself that I had had the big C.
So I stood up, and participated in the prayer. My husband stood up next to me when it became obvious that I was sobbing and trying to hide under my hair. At that point, it didn't matter that there were some 800 other people in the extended sanctuary... and I had no clue as to who else might be standing as well, because this was just about me. I don't think there was a single day since my DX back in March, to my two surgeries in May and July, when it was really just about ME. Well, I certainly never let it be about me, because then it would be REAL...
Nonetheless, I cried, ruined my makeup, and had even more issues to deal with. But it wasn't over yet... the Yizkor service began, and as the rabbi has done is previous years, he read a list of all the synagogue members who had passed away during the course of the year. THEN he read a list of famous people, both Jewish and not, who had died this year as well. For some reason, hearing the names of these people, celebrities of all standings (media, arts, science, politics, you name it) always hits me stronger than hearing the names of members of the synagogue. Whatever, so the service commences and I read silently the prayer that commemorates my father who passed away 9 years ago... and all I can think about is how devastated I am that I'll never have a chance to tell him that I got BC. See, my mom had it when I was 14 (she was 36 at the time), and we weren't allowed to ever talk about it. She had a radical mastectomy as was the norm back then, no other treatment. Several years later, when the option for reconstruction became available, my father told her not to bother. "What do you need another surgery for? You're fine as you are now. Leave it alone."
This was my legacy. Writing this now, I wonder why I even miss him sometimes.... sorry, stream of conciousness here, moving on... so yes, I would've wanted him to see how I did have the reconstruction, and that he was wrong to restrict my mother, just because HE was afraid of things like surgery. Would he have approved? Not the point, because I know I don't need his approval (anymore). Still, it would've been nice to know what he would've thought and said. I'd bet he was proud of me, for being brave when he never was (and he's not even the one who ever had any cancer). Oh well.
So yeah, I cried AGAIN. Granted, I had on waterproof mascara, but after two crying jags like that, there was no hope of recovery.
My mom (who I've grown up calling "Eema") is still with us, thank goodness, after 3 bouts of cancer and radiation. My father's yahrzeit is in a couple weeks. I suppose I'll be crying again then too.
Thanks for listening. Maybe I should be blogging too. Shanah tovah to all.
Esther: UMX NSM 5/24/11, TE exch & recon 7/13/11, revision to switch for smaller implant 3/5/12; opting out of Tamoxifen
3/17/2011, DCIS, <1cm, Stage 0, Grade 1, 0/1 nodes, ER+/PR-, HER2-
5/24/2011 Lymph node removal: Right; Mastectomy: Right; Reconstruction (right): Tissue expander placement
7/13/2011 Reconstruction (right)
3/5/2012 Reconstruction (right)