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Oct 2, 2019 11:01AM
Thanks everyone for the responses! A little more background, I plan 100% to go ahead with the surgery. DH has said that he will support me in person and be with me every step, and that he wants me to have the surgery, he just thinks it's way too soon right now. Last night he admitted he's "just scared." My main issue is that for me, supportive can't be just taking care of me physically while emotionally disagreeing. It also turns out there's "a gene" in his family (they don't know what it is and won't ask). I talked to his parents about it and it turns out his entire family is extremely weird about the whole thing. No one wants to be tested. The only people who have been tested had cancer. No one else will even talk about the possibility. It's unclear if it made it to DH's side of the family, his grandmother's sister passed from BC last year after it came back a 3rd time and they decided not to treat aggressively given her age (almost 90). Her daughter got BC in her 40s. A cousin also got BC, fairly young. So I think that actually explains some of the weirdness, it must have rubbed off on him.
@edj3: We have looked at marriage counseling, he is EXTREMELY opposed to the idea. I've been trying for years! We have a pretty strong marriage otherwise, but communication can be a problem.
@lngerp I'm 30, we'd like children, otherwise I would have removed my tubes at least by now. As soon as we're done they're removing the tubes, with ovaries to follow closer to natural menopause.
@HopeWins I think he'd like to ignore it for sure. He said his only concern with my telling our friends (and I have told them) is that it will get back to his boss since some of our friends work at the same place he does. I know his employer and they are not spiteful, strict, or nasty in any way, his concerns are entirely theoretical. He's even said his boss is very flexible before. I can see his concern about MY employer getting upset (so I keep it secret from them until it's time for surgery) but not his!
@Yogatyme Thank you, I am currently in a screening program at a fantastic cancer center. I alternate MRIs and Mammograms every 6 months, transvaginal ultrasounds and CA-125 as well every 6 months, at least until my surgeries. I plan to go ahead with the mastectomy this year, tubes in 4-5 years when I'm around 35, ovaries closer to natural menopause. For what it's worth, he has stated he will support me in my decision whatever I do and will be there for me every step, it's just hard knowing in the back of my mind he disagrees and possibly even judges the choice. Luckily he doesn't offer this opinion unless I ask, but it's like a scab I guess I have to keep picking at it. He said he wants me to do it eventually, it's just too soon. I don't see the point in waiting and I won't.
@ctmbsikia Yes definitely, women can have the mutation and not get cancer. In some genes "only" 30% will get cancer and it's very dependent on which gene and family history. None of the models really work for my family history, but my specific variant of the BRCA1 gene has by far the highest breast cancer risk of any breast cancer gene (middle of the road for ovarian, around 35%). In my family my aunt is 71, has the gene, and has never had breast cancer. However she had her ovaries removed for other reasons at age 40, which dramatically reduces your BC risk. And yes, I suspect he would accept this easily if I had cancer. I think he struggles with the ambiguity of the whole situation.
@SuQu31 Thank you for the support! I live in a big city so I've been very lucky to find multiple in person support groups, some are pure support groups (like FORCE) and some have become my friends. It's been harder for me to discuss husband problems with friends because I've found complaining about my marriage to friends tends to just poison it from the outside, which I don't want to do. I think we have a good marriage otherwise! And that's cool having a coworker who just gets it! I actually have a suspicion my boss might have a gene, it sounds like she has a strong family history of young BC in her family.
@WC3 Thank you, yes I tried to explain to him why it's important to PREVENT cancer. No one he knows well has dealt with it, though his great aunt just recently died of it came back for a fourth time and they decided against aggressive treatment given her age (almost 90). I agree 100% I am not changing my plan, it's just hard when he's not fully on board.
@blue22 Yes it's a ridiculous attitude. I think since he's still young he hasn't seen how hard it can be. And yes I was tested by a genetic counselor to confirm! 23andMe was just the thing that prompted real testing. 23andMe can definitely have miscalls, I think the BRCA2 variant they test for in particular is often false.