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Jan 8, 2018 08:27AM
Micmel, forgive me if I put words in your mouth or assign to you something that is totally off base. But I got a sense when I read your post. You reminded me of my husband. He dedicated himself, heart and soul, to a job, for over 20 years. He was there early, put in overtime hours to make sure all systems were up and running, he was the last to leave every day for making sure that everyone had what they needed. He was mentally engaged with that place 24/7. And he believed that by doing the right thing, being the dedicated and devoted worker, that by putting his job first above family and all other life demands, he would be rewarded with a bettering financial situation and security. They fired him. I spent the next 3 years listening for the sound of the shotgun being taken from its place behind the freezer because he was suicidal. He lost his mind. He went off the deep end. It was years of hell because he could not reconcile his mind with a new truth: That you can do everything right, everything by the book, follow the rules, go above and beyond and bad shit can still happen to you.
I used to have a cookie cutter religious belief. Insert prayer, out comes answer. That bad things happened to other people because they weren't living right. My charmed life was due to god rewarding me for having the correct religion and other people, with worse lives, well they had the wrong religion, duh, obvious! My little happy house of cards fell apart for me in my early 20s and it was a devastating time. I thought I would eventually replace my lost certainties with other certainties. I waited for a new and better religion to rise up out of the ashes of my shaken and destroyed beliefs. It never happened. I never had that arrogant, smug and ignorant certainty again. Instead I was left humbled, vulnerable, betrayed and completely clueless. I remain so to this very day.
Micmel, I heard pain and anger of betrayal in your voice. It is hard to get this disease and not feel targeted. But I think that has to be the feeling of every person in a doctor's office who gets life changing bad news. A cosmic kick in the gut. My husband has never found his footing again.
I used to believe that god loved me and had singled me out for his special plan, blah, blah, blah. That was the party line of my religious start in life. I think the ONLY good thing to come out of that belief collapse is that I have NOT asked the question: why me? Instead I have been able to say, why not me? What's so special about me that cancer should happen to other people but not me? I was surprised, saddened and terrified. But I did not have that feeling of betrayal because a very long time ago I had battled with the universal truth that Bad Things Happen To Good People (a book by that name written by Rabbi Harold Kushner is a must read!)
No. I do NOT believe that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. What doesn't kill us simply doesn't kill us. Sometimes we are improved by adversity, sometimes we are confused and terrified and other times, well, it does kill us. Bad luck does not have to make a super hero out of us. It just makes us ...people. United by the fact that we are all subject to bad beliefs that set us up for failure and bad luck that sets us up for the same. Or good luck. We can have that too. I hope we all have more of it. I agree with you Micmel, shit stew.
3/23/2017, IDC, Left, 2cm, Stage IIB, Grade 2, 0/1 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-
4/12/2017 Lumpectomy: Left; Lymph node removal: Sentinel
7/4/2017 Whole-breast: Breast
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